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Boyfriend and admitting to past behaviors
My boyfriend and I have been on and off but lately things have been well for us and I couldn't be ever more thankful that we have stopped arguing and tried to get to some common ground. Although, deep down, I can feel another fight coming, though I definitely don't want it to happen. The last time we talked to each other about our feelings and confronted each other on our problems, he told me something that just resonated and wouldn't leave my mind. When we first started becoming serious, and even when I was for sure serious about him, I remember that there was time where on social media, he would try to follow almost every girl he knew and would constantly like their pictures. I knew through people telling me and things I saw for myself. All of that hurt deep down knowing he was telling me one thing but was trying to get attention from other girls. Today, he doesn't really do it but I remember from our night's discussion that he told me whenever he was with his ex, he would think about being with other girls physically. He told me this because he was trying to say that he never feels that way with me. Of course after he mentioned it, I remember those times we were talking when I saw that same behavior from him. Now, I guess we are more serious but my question is, why does it bother me so much? I do trust him now but I'm scared if things go bad, what if he turns back to this behavior. It would hurt so much.
It also bothers me that he's had about 5 girlfriends in the past and he told me about some of the hookups he had too. I know its not a competition but I've had only one boyfriend in the past so... I don't know, it makes me a little insecure. How do I get over this?
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You must just talk to him. Tell him your fears, concerns and insecurities. If you are really meant to be you both will listen to the worries of the other. It may get heated because he may think you don't trust him but remember to specify that this is a worry about future relationship. What I would do is tell him that if he does feel like he is starting to be interested in other girls its only fair to tell you. I am pretty sure by your question that you are monogamous and would not be willing to share but if he is vocal with you, you may be able to leave your relationship on a positive note. Make sure he knows now that you are monogamous so if he ever feels like he wants that that it may not work. But that doesn't mean the relationship now is hurt. Enjoy your relationship while it lasts because if your always worried about the future you aren't living in the present.
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The most important part of a relationship is communication. If you don't communicate, you have nothing. Maybe you have a difficult past, maybe you come from a broken home. Theres so many possibilities. Ive at moments felt that way for the reason you said, the amount of partners they have had. But for me, theres more to it. Ive never really seen a stable relationship in my family growing up and my first relationship was so rocky and unstable, its hard to accept the fact that something good can happen. I don't know what its like to have someone who tells me the truth, who actually cares about me sincerely. Maybe its the same with you. Let me know
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i have a few ideas for this. If you really want things to work things out with him and you want to try to train him a little to THINK before he speaks try some tactics here ok. (((i promote these ONLY for the best of use, NOT for evil)))
number one: WHATEVER HE SAYS TO YOU EVEN IF ITS FULL ON ANGRY AND HES SCREAMING AT YOU STAY CALM, stay totally poker faced and do NOT allow him to stir emotion in you that comes back at him in a mean way. just dont say ANYTHING back at all and just stare, this will allow him to think about the things he just said to you, and give him a chance to take back what he said a few minutes later.
(example here) say you had an argument while sitting in your living room, he lashes out at you and yells and screams and then walks off into a bedroom or even out of the house.
you:say nothing, keep calm, because youll do nothing here but feed the fire and he will only feed off your anger. you can shake your head silently infront of him in "disappointment" and if he says anything to you about that just say "nothing im just disappointed that all...."
allow him to digest this even if it means him leaving the room or the house for a while. do not call or follow him, LET him leave if he wants. when hes as angry as you say he gets then it sounds like he needs space to deal with his emotions. He sounds like he thinks with his emotions and not with his brain. People like this are erratic and can be irrational people, often times being hard to deal with because their ideals about the world or you as a partner are not based in reality and the only person that will suffer from this is you while in a relationship with someone like that.
when you can really sit with him and talk to him, it might be a good idea to talk to him about people who live their lives by their emotions and how its honestly not healthy for them or the people around them.
secondly, he does NOT need to be telling you all about his past "hookups", as a man this shows that he has low self esteem and needs to make himself appear as large as those beautiful peacocks at the zoo flaunting themselves to all the females that might be in the area. He might have the idea that (and again heres where emotional thinking instead of rational thinking comes into play here) that he needs to be admired and seen as an experienced male, when in fact all it does for most people is make him appear "dirty" sexually, and cannot commit or find a relationship that works (because how many females does a guy have to go through before he finds "the one"??) its not that hard to make yourself compatible with another person thats open and willing to love you back if they have it in their heart to do so.
theres a basic foundation for a long lasting GOOD relationship (at least in my eyes) and its love, respect, honesty, faithfulness, and communication.
Theres not much room for overly emotional, irrational thinkers and if your boyfriend is one of those and it sounds like by what your describing he is then he might need to get some counseling to work through whatever it is that leaves him so "touchy" and easily angered.
Try asking him when you feel like another fight is on the horizon what hes thinking about, if hes ok, or trying to ask him whats on his mind. These questions will allow you to gauge where he is emotionally and mentally so that you can go forward with him socially from that point on. youll know where hes feeling snappy and pissy, or calm and chill and youll have a better handle on how to deal with him.
also a "ok i just thought i would ask you seem a little stressed out so i was trying to just check on you and see if you wanted to take about it" is always a good angle because you come off as "concerned" and like your trying to put your best foot forward but HES the one that is giving you a hard time. see? its perfect.
; )
just remember no matter what he does staying calm, cool and collected will be your winning ticket when he gets angry, and the fewer words the better. If he is totally unapologetic then its time to move on when he says certain things you "dont appreciate hearing" <---another trick you can use to get him to think.
make him think YOU have the upper hand in the relationship and that your not afraid to leave if he keeps acting this way. calmly say "i dont appreciate you telling me about your past like that and im getting really sick and tired of it. it doesnt make you look cool, or sexy or more manly either so lets just stop all that talk now ok...."
the fact that youve had fewer boyfriends doesnt mean anything because if you are wiser then your years and mature for your age, and learn from other peoples mistakes because your aware of the world around you then none of that will apply here.
Not feeding into what he is trying to do will help you alot, and help HIM to learn that doing things like this isnt going to get him anywhere with you. All it does is lower your self esteem and if he loves you then he wont want to hurt you and i think you should tell him that next time he brings that up. Ask him why he wants to make you feel like your not good enough. if he says hes not then say yes you are because your telling me all about your sexual history and i really dont wanna hear it, it hurts, and its not turning me on at all. If anything its making me feel like i want to distance myself from you more not hang all up you like your the man or something.
If you say these things in a confedent "i know what im talking about and i know how i feel" sort of voice he may just stop and think about what he saying.
good luck and update us on how this goes if you need further help!
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You need a list of pros and cons girl. That should help make it more clear to you whether this guy is the right one for you or not...thats the real issue behind all the others you mention. We all like to find ourselves a life partner who truly loves and cherishes us. I highly doubt that you're into self abuse and punishment. If there any foods you're allergic to, you avoid them, music that jangles your nerves rather than putting you in a good mood, you avoid it, what ever isn't the best for you, you likely avoid. It shouldn't be any different with relationships.
So heres what I come up with on pros and cons.
Cons:
1. On and off again, when the going gets tough, he takes the easy way out, stop seeing you. But then, you probably do too.
2. He's fought in the past and you say you feel its coming again soon. Likely this con means he is argumentative, quick to anger, has no idea how to control his emotions and has a problem talking gently, instead of raising his voice to you.
3. He isn't giving you first priority, instead taking time that could be spent with you, going after other girls.
4. He doesnt REALLY do it? That says he does not promote convince in you. So he only pretends to follow other girls when he doesn't really want to? No such thing. This con...is either that he likes to provoke jealousy in you to feel more important himself because he has a low self image of himself as a male and the more females into him makes him feel a bigger man. Or...you or not his top priorit on the totem pole.
5. He knows how to talk up a storm to try to prove a point but where he fails is 'words are just words' or empty promises unless being backed up by action. So when he says he doesn't think about other girls and desiring them when with you, the only way he can prove it is by treating you like his queen on a pedestal and if you did feel that way, you wouldn't be writing us so hes failed there.
6. You state you guess you are more serious. Guessing is not being sure. So he must be doing something that contradicts the fact that he is serious about you, or he fails to do something to confirm it.
7. A good partner inspires their mate to good things, not fear, worry of their repeating past behavior.
8. He's had 5 girlfriends in the past. Its not too bad if each of the relationships lasted around 5 yrs or so and he's now in mid life or older. But a young guy with lots of past girlfriends in a shorter amount of time hint that there is something about him that doesn't make him relationship material at all.
And now the Pros:
1. He doesn't fight 24/7 for according to you,you have stopped arguing (for however long that lasts)
2. On one occasion at least that you mention, he was willing to have a conversation bringing up the problems between you. Thats only half of the conversation. The other part to dicussing problems is coming up with solutions. So I don't know if he's good at that part.
3. He's willing to talk to you about his past with other girls and admit he likes to do that. So at least he isn't into hiding everything. I can only say he is being open about that but that doesnt necessarily mean he isn't holding other things back. Selective confessions may be his thing.
4. We know he loves being a story teller...as he loves to go over all his past hookups and conquests in detail and retell the stories to who ever will listen.
I have now addressed everything I could find in your message to draw up a cons and pros list. At this point, the pros list is too questionable and looks more like a cons list. so theres nothing really in his favor of being a great boyfriend material. Its up to you dear if you want to stay with him for whatever reason and live with fears and hurts and disappoints. It just seems you could do way way better and that you're just settling for less with him.
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What you both should do is take an extended period of time apart from each other. On and off again "relationships" are one of the most unstable relationships to be in. They are usually a security relationship. Like having a consistent fall back when things don't work out with other prospects. Being each other's rebounds. And it has to deal with both of you. The reason you're bothered by what has gone on in yours and his past and things he's told you about his relationships and "hook-ups" is because you both have never stabilized. He relies on you being his fall back just as much as you rely on him being there when things cool off between you two, even if you have to wait for things to go sour between him and another person because you both are insecure.
The more you don't want to have an argument the more likely something will happen to cause one. And then it will be the same old song and dance. If he has issues keeping focus in the bedroom, and has let you know about it, he is trying to cover up that he has also fantasized about other women while he's been with you too. Even though he says he hasn't. He knows he will get into more hot water with you if he were to tell you that its the same with you, and he doesn't want to risk losing the fall back. He isn't afraid of losing you, he is afraid that you will move on and his security blanket will not be there. And that is exactly what you need to do: Move on from him. It may be hard at first but he can not offer you anything new or stable or completely committed. What they say about people who are meant to be in your life will some how find a way to be in it is true, in some cases. But in cases like these, you're not alone, it is toxic and will only harm your mental well being and quite possibly your physical well being if one of your fights gets out of control.
It is going to hurt, because aside from the one other boyfriend that you had, he is all you've ever known. His behavior and everything else is all you've ever known. And as difficult as it sounds, you're going to have to learn how to stand on your own two feet and say: I Do Not deserve to be treated like a fall back or rebound. I deserve to be happy, free from insecurity.
I honestly speak from experience. It isn't worth torturing yourself over, wondering whether or not things will work out this time or always being on edge praying that you don't have a fight. All that does is cause more stress for you and it will take its toll further on you if you don't get out now. This will only change when you are strong enough to walk away knowing that there are better and more pressing things to be concerned about rather than how some guy has controlled your life for so long and whether this will be the time that it all works out or falls apart again for the umpteenth dozen time.
Mantra for healing: I Deserve Better Than This.
And a few songs to help get you going:
Papa Roach-Scars
Pink- So What
Destiny's Child- Survivor
Gotye- Somebody That I Use To Know
Kelly Clarkson- Since You Been Gone
The All-American Rejects- Gives You Hell
I wish you the best of luck. I hope you find yourself and find a way to get yourself happy and secure on your own without the help of a significant other. You are awesome and You Deserve Much Better!
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