Open minded, empathetic, straight shooter. Let me know up front whether you are looking for real advice or comic relief so I can answer accordingly.
Gender: Female
Member Since: March 29, 2015
Answers: 14
Last Update: October 12, 2015
Visitors: 1516
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No one is giving me the support I want n it been so hard 2 me because I haven't tell anyone how I fell (link)
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It's hard to get the support you want. I know. But it also depends on if you talk to those you want support from. Not everyone will see things the way you see them or feel things the way you feel them. If you need support talk to those you want it from. If they don't understand, just explain what you want. They may not respond how you want them to, but you can't make someone do or feel things that they don't want to. It's tough. And sometimes it feels unfair. But you also learn who cares about you enough to make an effort to help you. Sometimes you get what you want and sometimes you don't. Sometimes they give you what you need instead of what you want. Ultimately, don't rely on others to support you in the ways that you want. I've learned that you can't really depend on anyone except yourself. You need to take responsibility for how you feel. Why you feel the way you feel. And what you can do to change or improve it.
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23/F
So basically I'll start off with I was with my boyfriend for 5 years and when we broke up in June I felt so sad i have always had depression and self harmed myself but no one knew Fourth of July weekend I felt the saddest I have ever felt and looked at my medicine cabinet and said what am I going to take to kill myself I thought about death every day and thought it was normal. I talked to my doctor and she put me on zoloft. I have never felt better until yesterday. I met this new guy and I finally moved on to my ex we had sex twice both with condoms. The only skin on skin action was us in the shower but we never physically did it until after with a condom. The next day I had an outrageous yeast infection and I found out yesterday I have Herpes. I have only been with 2 people and this is what happens...the guy I slept with is in denial and said he doesn't have anything but maybe he does now because I gave it to him! He was with his ex for 2 years and he said they are both fine. I just don't understand how this happened to me and now I am back in my hole where I don't want to live anymore. I feel broken and sad and nobody is going to want me. (link)
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I'll be honest. I had a difficult time reading this. I understand where you're coming from with the self harm. I use to do that with sharp objects. Rejection always makes you think that you weren't good enough for them. When in reality they weren't good enough for you. It's a hard concept to grasp, especially when depressed and thinking "it had to do with something I did or didn't do." You can beat yourself down with all those questions trying to figure out what went wrong.
Now from what I read, I am unsure who you slept with. Now if it was the guy of 5 years and you only had sex twice during the whole 5 years, and you caught it from him, logic stands that he probably cheated on you and contracted it.
If it was the new guy you slept with, he probably had it before you guys got together. Either way, most males are unaware that they have a contracted STD. They don't have the same symptoms that we do. And herpes is viral. Meaning that condoms won't protect you from getting it. Herpes is transmitted through direct skin-to-skin contact. This happens when a contagious area comes into contact with a tiny break in the skin or mucous membrane tissue, usually on the mouth or genitals. Most skin on the body is too thick for the virus to go through. Genital herpes can be transmitted sexually both when symptoms are present and sometimes when symptoms are not present. There are several days throughout the year (called asymptomatic reactivation, asymptomatic shedding, or subclinical shedding) when the virus may be on the surface of the skin, but there are no symptoms. Herpes can be passed through sexual contact during this time. Males with herpes tend to have breakouts down the shaft and around the testicular area. They might look like ingrown hairs or zits. So if your bodily fluids touched anywhere down there and was still on you that could be one way it was transmitted. If he had it on his hands and/or his mouth, it could have been transmitted through fingering or oral sex. And adding the shower water made it more fluid for transmission.
Genital herpes cannot be cured. There are medicines that can help control flare ups.
The reason he's probably in denial is because he wasn't showing any problematic symptoms.
It's is and is not your fault that you caught it. It's their fault for not informing you prior to sexual activities.(He should have at least gone to the doctors every three months to be personally safe) And from what I gathered, it sounds like you met guy #2 and got right under him rushing things before getting tested. It's a sucky situation because now you don't know the point of origin and you are stuck with an incurable viral disease.
This does not mean that no one will want you. But you will have to be Majorly Majorly selective when you pick your next partner. This way you save yourself heartache and rejection and also so you don't spread it or catch something else. And you have to be completely open and honest with this, because it would be wrong to not tell someone because you're insecure, ashamed and embarrassed only to have them catch it and then jump to conclusions and leave you because you weren't honest with them. If you tell them up front you give them the choice to decide whether to progress further with you or to politely decline.
Look into medicines for herpes. Talk to your doctor about them so you can decide which would be best for you. Also have them check your mouth, fingers and skin to see if it was spread anywhere else. Masturbation can spread it to your hands, especially if you have an open wound on you nail bed or hands. Make sure you are taken care of in every way before looking for another mate.
I can only hope this will get better for you. I wish I could say with 100% certainty every thing will be fine, but we both know how life is.
If you need someone to talk to when you're in a down period I am here. If it's personal that you would rather not discuss on a forum you can email me. bloody_princess05@yahoo.com
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i am 13, and i live with my adoptive parents. my real mom had me at 16 and got me token away when i was very young. i have always said that i would not be a teen mom, that i would wait for after marriage. but yesterday i found out that i am pregnant. how do i tell my parents? and i will not get an abortion and i don't want to give my baby away. so how will i tell my mom( that is 6 months pregnant) and dad that their 13 year old daughter is pregnant and wants to keep her baby? (link)
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As it currently sits, I'm guessing you and your parents don't have open and honest communication on important issues.
First you need to confront yourself. Realize that you broke a very important promise to yourself. In order to prevent any surprises you should have been taking birth control or used protection. And you should have been able to talk to your mom at least and asked her about birth control. I understand that you probably didn't want to out of fear of how they would see you or how they would react.
I know how you're feeling. I didn't have that type of relationship with mine either. But I got a wake up call at 14 when I got my first STI. I had my first child when I was 20. And I will tell you this, whatever plans you had for your life will be put on hold, especially with you being so young. You won't be able to support this child for another 3 years legally. You will have to work doubley hard for everything you want to achieve, because you will no longer be just taking care of you. You will have a defenseless and helpless child depending on you to take care of them for the next 18 years when you can't even take care of yourself. They will be crying for food and your attention, waking up at all hours in the middle of the night. You won't be able to hang out with your friends because of the baby and their parents will see you as a "bad influence". With as young as you are, I'm guessing the sperm donor is around your age, he is not ready for a child and you are not either. Do not expect him to stick around. Speaking from experience.
You need to tell your mom you need to have a serious talk with her. And you also need to tell her that it might break her heart and make her look at you differently, but you are still her daughter. And given her current circumstances, she might respond okay and empathize. But she will be very disappointed. In both herself and you. If you guys had "the talk" she would have expected you to think about things before you did them instead of letting your hormones get the better of you. And she will be disappointed in herself because she did not instill it into you enough to, as it's put, "Not mess up your life". She will feel like she failed you because now you don't get to live your life the way you want. You don't and won't get a childhood. You probably won't get to go to college. Because unless you have a strong support system, you alone might not be able to juggle college and 1-2 jobs and a child while staying at your parents. You will never get ahead and be able to live comfortably and 50% of that is due to the economy.(Something that you haven't been taught yet)
I've had 2 abortions. I was like you with my first. I even cut off communication with my aunt because she suggested it. I didn't talk to her after that and she died almost a year after I had my child. And she was my favorite aunt.
I had the first one because it was literally killing me from the inside out. And the second one I had, because at the time I knew I wouldn't be able to take care of two children on my own and I didn't want to give my child up for adoption because it causes many problems. And if I couldn't take care of that child myself I wasn't going to put it through the misery of having to find out everything and question themselves and go into a depression about it.
The choice is up to you. You need to look at all your options. You need to make a plan for your life with goals to reach. You need to pull your mother aside and tell her because sooner or later you're going to start showing and it'll be worse later.
I'm sorry if I was too blunt. But this is a tough love situation because I know how you feel and you need someone that won't sugar coat anything for you. That tells you how it is.
Find a different focus than boys. They're nothing but trouble anyways.
Hoping for the best. Let me know how it goes.
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Hello!
As the headline says, im trying to be a better man, and being able to do some self defense is never bad idea. I heared that some martial arts are tied with some sort of philosophy and through it teaching other things for life then just "beating people" (because beating people is NOT my desire in the first place). I will be most grateful if you give me any suggestions i could follow.
Thank you! (link)
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One of the most priceless gifts of martial arts practice is to get to know yourself internally and externally.
The main goal is to use the body to reach and learn to master the mind. Once you have mastered your mind you will have no desire to ever fight.
In real martial arts, even when faced with the situation, you can stay calm and centered and make the best choices in that moment.
Martial arts training helps us learn to deal with adversity. In any aspect of your life.
Taekwondo would be able to teach you about discipline and self-control. It would be a good form to start with.
If you want to further yourself and your self confidence, Naginata would be a good coupling.
If you're looking for a good physical workout to improve your strength, Kung Fu is a physical fitness type of martial arts.
Ju jitsu can teach you self defense. It teaches you to use your adversary's strength and weight against them.
I hope this helps you. :)
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My friends did the challenge but we didn't know we had to say charlie charlie can we stop? before we could stop playing! Are we all going to be haunted until we die or just the person who first asked to summon the demon?
SCARED PLEASE HELP! (link)
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http://www.independent.co.uk/news/weird-news/charlie-charlie-challenge-explained-its-not-a-mexican-demon-being-summoned--its-gravity-10276557.html
If you're one to follow fads then all I can really do is shake my head.
This is no different than bloody mary or the Kylie Jenner challenge or the "forward this email or you'll die" stupid Crap...
It's a scare tactic to make weak minded people become hysterical over absolutely nothing.
If you're afraid of demons then you also should not be trying to summon them in the first place. It's not like this is Supernatural and they are human infesting push overs. Or like in Constantine where they are influencers of good and evil.
The power of thought is a very powerful thing but what's even more powerful is Fear. And it leads people to do stupid stuff.
If you really want demons to manifest outside of your head, believe in a religion that has them. Then denounce and lose your faith in the god of that religion. Blaspheme him or her. In losing your faith turn to hating them. Sin more than ever and if you're worthy enough to be possessed, you very well possibly could be.
Just remember, the weaker minded you are the more apt you are to believe and fall for all the stupid Crap the media feeds you.
95% of social media today relaying "News" isn't really the news. It's advertising, product placement and discussions about topics and people that are not truly important and have no business being in any kind of limelight.
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Hi,
I'm usually pretty good at giving advice, but this I can't help myself with. I'm 13 and I just got transferred to a new place. I've been here for two months now. As many people here are teens they love to act all grown up and I'm not comfortable with the kind of things they do and the language they use, so I'm not friends with anyone, I tried to adjust and get used to them but without a friend I just can't manage. I'm kind of shy but I can make friends easily, but no one is like me (a little kiddish and crazy) everyone loves to act all grown up. I'm having a tough time making friends, please give me some advice on how I can adjust or I'll end up a lonely girl who talks to herself (link)
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Welcome to the grown up version of yourself. :) No seriously when I was 13 I went through what you are going through now. I was very lonely throughout high school. No real friends because everyone was too busy following the growing up fad but never really maturing. That and because the people I wanted to be friends with my mother didn't like, so I never had anyone over. I even had a "Loser" book where I would find the tiniest imperfections about myself and call myself a loser because of them.
I use to hate their language(regular cussing) and back then everyone was smoking marijuana. Nowadays the kids come up with the most stupid way to talk to each other. Even if they are in a hurry to act and be grown up. How they speak now is the most immature use of the English language I've ever heard.
With you having a dislike about that means you're more mature than you give yourself credit for. Making true friends will be something that comes later in life. And sometimes things will fall through with them. There will only be a couple people that you trust. You will be a little kiddish and crazy because that's how you're supposed to be until you're ready to start acting like an adult. Everyone says grow up, be mature, act like an adult when you very well aren't one. It's not fair to you.
But there are different interpretations of adult. Mine, for example, is taking care of my children, homeschooling them, taking care of my home, cleaning up after myself and my family(with their help), and making sure the bills are paid before spending on anything else, not feeding the drama fiends that look for cracks in my life to expose to feel better about themselves....
You will be okay. And talking to yourself can always be justified as getting expert advice, unless it's downright negative. Constructive criticism is okay, but only to better yourself in doing what you love and being who you are.
I still talk to myself. :) I will be here if you have any other questions.
Blessed be and take care dear.
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hi hope you can help me i'm a 15 year old male i'm a devout christian i love god with all my heart and i wanna be a better christian and devote my life to god i want to help people to get closer to god i wantto start to spread god's word i'm a bit nervous not sure where to start but i want to start talkinhg to people about god maybe start with people that i know not sure how do i go about it? (link)
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If you want to start talking about god, start in church. Talk with people who are like minded. But be aware, there are people who are only going on Sunday to feel like they are redeemed for whatever sins they confessed. They are more than likely not devout and aren't willing to talk outside of church.
Depending on what denomination your parents brought you up as, or what denomination you chose to follow, would determine how you would disseminate "the word".
Generally speaking, religion is supposed to be private practice. That's why the most devout christians become members of the church and take vows of silence, like monks.
To be a better christian is to be a better person. Care about others and nature just as much as you care about yourself. Have and feel sympathy and empathy for everything going on in the world.
You honestly don't need religion and a man written book to tell you right from wrong. Or to make you fear for an essence that you were gifted with by the universe to burn in hell for you being human. You don't need to fear for other's souls being sent to hell for them being human either. It's presumtious, rude and egotisically selfish to take on the role of "saving" someone in the name of religion.
Right from wrong is common sense teaching.
Right is believing whatever you want, being happy, helping those in need, and treating everyone as equals without being preachy. Being humble in your helping makes you selfless.
Wrong is taking your belief to others, knocking on other's doors at an ungodly hour in the morning (or any hour of the day really) shoving it down their throats, saying guilt tripping phrases about that belief that harmed so many over 2000 years ago and has harmed people throughout history.
Christianity is the most well known religion around the world. Aside from its bloody historical past, which it likes to keep hidden. It is a passed on belief from parents to children or something that was forced unto people under penalty of death. It is also something that people, in their own personal crisis, turn to for answers when they are at a loss for ideas on how to make their crisis better.
It has its ups and downs, but it's all on how the human interprets it for themselves. If you want to spread the word of christianity, keep it in the church. Become part of your church procession. Later in life become a preacher but preach in church. Be proud of your religion, but don't feel the need to inject it into regular conversation outside church. Most people don't care to hear it because they have their own beliefs that aren't the same as yours. And most that do are taken aback and offended when you preach to them. Just like with you asking this question to me. I could have been offended because I'm Pagan and the christian religion did everything it could to steal and stamp out what I believe in. But I'm not because you are young and asking for advice on how to direct your life. And I'm not easily offended. :) Also, I believe that we as humans of many religions can coexist peacefully, if we'd only learn to be kind and help one another without having a deity take credit for what the human did to help his fellow human.
It doesn't matter what religion you claim to have faith in, just look inside yourself. Ask yourself questions about everything. Educate yourself on anything you have a personal crisis with. If you need advice I will be here, but I do not have all the answers and will never boast that I do. Just be a good and helpful human. If you choose to preach, preach about good will and helpfulness towards each other. But keep it in church. Those that want to follow will flock to congregation.
Blessed be. Be well and be good.
P.S. Watch George Carlin skits and Dogma. They're really good if you listen beyond the comedy.
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I love my boyfriend a lot.. But he has anger problems . And when he gets mad he slaps me or pushes me hard or punches my arm. And he always threatens to leave. How can I get this all to stop? He also calls me names all the time. But he said he loves me. Is it true? (link)
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One way to get him to back off might be to call the cops, but in the same respect that could further piss him off and something worse could happen. Especially if you can't prove it to the cops. Battered women's shelters would take you in. If I had more information I would call the authorities myself.
What you should do is leave him. If he's threatening leaving you and hits you, then he really doesn't love you. Rahzie is right. That is textbook manipulation.
He is abusing you. He is psychologically fucked up. When you love someone, you Do Not abuse them. Verbally, emotionally, or physically. And you do not threaten to leave the one you love just so they cave in to your demands and willingly take the abuse.
One thing in all this: THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. HE IS TO BLAME FOR HIS BEHAVIOR.
You deserve better than someone who hurts you.
There are all sorts of things wrong with him. And blaming his anger issues is just making an excuse to justify him being abusive. There is no justification for being abusive.
He is doing this because he wants to control you. And he doesn't want to be caught.
Don't let him control you. Take a stand. Learn how to defend yourself by any means necessary.
Get help from your family and authority figures. This way you have double back up. Hopefully he will be put away for hurting you and to prevent him from hurting anyone else.
I hope you are able to get out of that situation as quickly as possible. I would also recommend seeing a counselor to help you empower yourself.
Be safe, stay safe! Get help!
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My wife recently told me that her feelings for me aren’t there anymore, and while she loves me, she doesn’t love me like she used to. In a follow-up conversation, she let me know that she has feelings for a much older coworker of hers (16 year age difference). She says nothing has happened with him, but she’s confused with her feelings at the moment and doesn’t know what to do.
While heartbroken, I feel like this could have been much worse. And I’m struggling with what I can do or say to her to make her keep her commitment to me. She has said that none of this was my fault, but I’m sure he’s giving her more attention and communication than I was (we had gotten to the “comfortable” stage).
Obviously I can’t force her to love me, but I’m struggling to come up with rational ways to verbalize why she should stay. Can anybody give me advice on what I could say? What I’m trying to get at is yes, I understand that a new person can be exciting and fun, but we have already built the foundation to make a marriage go the distance.
(link)
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AdviceMan49 has good points... If she has moved on with this new man though, marriage counseling would be kind of out of the question.
But aside from the commitment that you both made to each other ask yourself these questions:
Do I take care of myself for her?
Do I do everything in my power to provide for my family?
Do I give her genuine attention that is heartfelt and not in a joking manner?
Do I satisfy her?
Do I give that attention to her everyday to make sure she knows how special she is to me?
Do I play too many video games instead of spending quality time with her?
Do I do things out of love or routine?
Do I really still feel the love we had at the beginning or am I stuck in comfort mode?
Why wasn't I afraid to lose her?
Why don't I make her happy anymore?
What could I have done to prevent this?(Make a list)
Some of these can be reversed for her and some should be asked of her so you can be informed. But people do change as time goes on. And maybe she was wanting more "security" or "spoiling" or help from being financially burdened.
And I'm not siding with either party or trying to be insensitive, but something was lost. Maybe it was lost for a reason. Maybe it made you both aware of what you were missing and what made you both happy. The more genuine attention a woman receives will be which way she leans. Whether it be sexual or non-sexual attention. If she feels she has to compete against an electronic device she'll wonder why you're not fighting for her instead.
I have friends literally going through the exact same thing currently. I feel for both of them because I know how both are feeling. But I don't want to comment on it because I don't want to be put in the position of choosing between my friends. I won't choose. I'm not happy with their current situation or how it came about. Them being separated makes things awkward because I had made them the example of happiness that I wanted for myself. They fought so hard to be together and tooth and nail to get married. Now I don't want to visit because all I feel will happen is hearing heartbreak from one side and blind happiness and down talking from the other. And for some reason I feel more for the husband than the wife because I've been in the husband's position more times and I know that hurt.
I'm really sorry that you're going through this. But maybe it's for the better. It will give you time to work on yourself and make yourself happy. It will take some time, I know. I hope things get better for you.
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I'm 27 years old and I've been a member of the same church since I was born. I never really considered changing churches until a couple of years ago, but even then I keep thinking I'm gonna move soon, so I figured that there was no point.
Until a couple of years ago, we'd had the same pastor all of my life. We called him Brother Don and he was wonderful. He was a good pastor and although he didn't condone certain things, he taught us not to judge or condemn people who did those things. He loved all of us and he taught us to love each other and love everyone else we come in contact with as well. He treated everyone in the church like family and he gave awesome sermons.
When he left, we had another pastor come for a little while and then had a permanent pastor this past summer. We call him pastor Jason and I don't like saying this about him, but I don't think that he's a very good pastor.
It's hard for me to say these things without sounding judgmental of him and I acknowledge that, but he seems judgmental of others. He doesn't really teach unconditional love, but rather loving only people who go to your church or would be willing to go to your church. Perhaps I'm mistaken about that, but it seems like that's what he was saying. He also seems to like to judge others for the bad things they do.
He doesn't give good sermons and sometimes I feel like we hear more about his oldest son than we hear about God. Brother Don has four children and loves them as much as anyone loves their children, but he didn't talk about them much because he wanted to stay on subject and not tell a story about them unless it applied to the sermon. Jason FORCES stories about his oldest son into the sermon and if he doesn't have one, he just tells one for fun. I know people like to talk about their kids, but when your a pastor and spend most of your sermons talking about them, that's not good. Also it's always JUST his oldest son, never his other two kids and he makes it clear that his oldest is his favorite.. He says it's because his oldest son is adopted and the other two are biological, so he got to choose his oldest, but got stuck with his other two. This makes me wonder more about his character.
I love him and love everyone in the church, but I don't agree with most of them on a lot of things. For instance, this new friend of mine named Dave just came into my life. He happens to be an atheist, so as I Christian, I worry about him, but I love him. I want to be his friend, but so many people in our church hate atheists. They dehumanize them and judge them as being horrible people. They judge me for having anything to do with them and tell me that Christians shouldn't do that. They do the same with my gay friend, John and my jewish friend Spencer. I want to love everyone the way Jesus did, but the church doesn't seem to agree that we should,
So my question is should I feel bad for wanting to change churches? (link)
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No, you shouldn't feel bad.
It sounds like the pastor you received as a replacement has personal issues that haven't been addressed or dealt with. Or worse yet, he has had them addressed to him but he doesn't care how others view him and his reprehensible character.
As a pastor you are supposed to preach about your religion passionately in hopes to inspire the world to do good and treat each other with respect and love; not talk incessantly about your child as if it were no more than a regular social function and saying "my kid is so much better than yours or my other kids".
I commend you on your way of thinking. But you don't have to worry about your atheist friend. Yes making his way just like you are and shouldn't be judged or feared for. Care about him as he is: another human, who has chosen to be your friend regardless of your religion.
The choice to change churches is entirely up to you. That's the power of having free will. If you aren't getting what you use to out of church, seek out the same feeling from possible preachers until you find what you are looking for. Don't feel bad about the choices you make. They lead you to where you're meant to be. And if things fall through they become lessons to learn from and you build around that lesson until things are good for you again.
-Blessed Be- :-)
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I have a question about Christianity my religion or how people react.
I'm Christian and I always will be, a lot of people say gay is a sin. I believe otherwise. I try to explain that is isn't or even if it was God can forgive you. But it just hasn't helped they don't accept gays, some call me gay which I'm not because
I acaccept them. Which I put it aside if they hate them and move on. Some people say I'm not christian because I support homosexuals. Or becuase our beliefs differ.
Ok ivde heard that the bible says homosexuals are sins.
What verse is this supposedly in. I know it doesn't say its wrong just wanna see where people think it says it. So maybe I can retranslate it to what it was supposed to be interpreted (link)
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The reason why people believe that being gay or lesbian is a sin is because that is what they were brought up to believe. Not all Christians are homophobic. But most of them are taught to be homophobic for fear of "eternal damnation". And that is passed down generation to generation. Teaching people to hate people they don't know over beliefs that are not initially their own.
People use the Christian religion to persecute others, especially if anybody else is different from them. And they rationalize that up as "religious freedom". Where as if you stand up for your own beliefs they claim persecution against them and the Christian religion.
I wouldn't put too much stock in the bible. It was written and rewritten by men and it's full of misogyny. It is a work of fiction at best. In 150 AD there were factions of "Christian Leaders" around the Roman empire who wrote books for the bible. Then people gathered to review what went in the bible and what they left out. And even those stories have been revised over the centuries. The original bible was gigantic. And now you find them in every tiny hotel nightstand. And there are different versions of the bible just like there are different versions of Christianity. Being the same innate religion, wouldn't things not have to have factions or separations because you are all worshipping the same deity?
Whether they call you gay or not shows how immature and disrespectful they are towards humans they haven't taken the time to get to know.
It shouldn't matter whether or not someone is or isn't gay or lesbian. What matters is if they are a good person.
You are a Christian, but because you don't discriminate towards gays and lesbians makes you a better Christian than most.
The next time someone calls you gay, ask them "So what if I was. Why would you have a problem with it?" And if the first response is "Because it's a sin and you'll go to hell!", tell them "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Should I save your seat or have Satan bump up your reservation?"
I am sorry if this offends you, but being a humanist looking in on this situation, if "god" really had an issue with sexual orientation wouldn't he have already done something about it?
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12/f
My parents fight. A lot. They fight about money mostly , not because they don't have good jobs, but because they both handle the money badly(we r in the upper middle class). They also fight about little stuff too tho. Sometimes they crack and scream and break things. I get stressed out about it all and have mini breakdowns because I am so scared, like I can fear pulsing through me. They will makeup and then during a trip they'll fight again and then the whole trip is ruined.
Sometimes my mom will want me to get involved and be on "her side". I feel like a traitor if I choose sides. My mom won't get a divorce BC 1. She wants to be repaid by my dad through the lifestyle and money because she made his career and 2. She knows on her own with me and my two siblings we would never be able to afford the life we have now. I don't tell my two best friends because I don't want them to think of my parents that way. In a way, pretending everything is all right is what keeps me sane. Soccer and piano help too, but I still have panic attacks even when I am doing that. What do I do? (link)
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Right now there isn't much you can do, which sucks. I know. I haven't been in your class range, but I know about fighting parents. Especially at your age. Most adults nowadays fight about money because the government is screwing with everyone's lives. But when they are in the position like your parents are in, it's no longer a marriage, it's a business contract.
My parents have been in the "won't divorce because they accumulated too much and my mom doesn't want to lose what she's been trying to acquire her whole life, even though there has been stuff that went on that should have been grounds for divorce" for almost 10 years now.
What I mean by its a business contract is, your mom has become accustomed to living in a particular way and will be damned if she gives it up. What might have started out as a loving gesture to help her husband further his career has now become her weapon to make him feel bad so he keeps providing for her lifestyle.
And that is probably making your father regret getting the help in the first place and he is now resenting your mother because of her new attitude and how she treats him. But there are probably other underlying issues that cause them to fight like they do. Which means somewhere along the way they forgot how to communicate with each other civilly even for the sake of you and your siblings. That kinda means that they don't care how their arguing is affecting you all. So sitting them down and asking them why they fight so much will have a 50/50 outcome. Either they will treat you like a young adult and tell you half of what's going on, or they will get mad that you even asked which will cause more fighting.
If you're going to a school that has guidance counselors, I would recommend going to one of them and ask how to go about getting family therapy. Now when you say that they will start to ask you questions about your home life. Be honest with them. Tell them about everything that's going on, including the screaming and throwing things. That will prompt them to ask you if you fear for yourself and your siblings. Tell them your answer. But also include how it makes you feel and what you physically and mentally go through.
Now by law, IF they also become fearful for you and your siblings, they are obligated to contact authority figures so they can make you and your siblings safe. If those authorities make a house visit your parents will probably lie about what's going on just to get rid of them. And that could spell bad news if your parents get mad about it. If they try to deny anything while the person is there, speak up. Don't stay silent. If you want to be okay and make a good difference in your family's life, speak up.
If you are able to see a family therapist, which I hope you'll be able to, you can speak freely about what you're feeling, about how someone makes you feel and what is going on in your home.
And the next time your mom wants you to pick sides, say "I pick my own side" and go to your room. If she asks what that is suppose to mean, tell her that It's not fair of her to put you in the middle of their petty squabbling. If something bad happens after that, I apologize. Tell the guidance counselor and they will be able to help.
Please let me know what happens. I'm worried for you.
I'm sorry you're in that situation.
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So me and my bf have been dating for 3 years. In the beginning it was all good . you know fun . but there comes a time we're you gatta be serious like work or school he doesn't do any of that all he does is smoke weed and sometime drink most of the weekend also hang out . I tell him to go to school or start working .he said he will but I don't see any of that happening just the same thing. No progress.. I feel like he won't change I want a better life for him . we talk about moving together finding a place starting a family but feel like that will never happen. I love him but I don't know what to do . HELP (link)
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It's always good in the beginning, usually. The best foot forward. And by the sounds of it you're starting to really mature and realize there is more to life than just hanging out and getting smashed.
Your boyfriend sounds like he's in "coast" mode. He doesn't expect you to leave him because you have been together so long. And no matter how many times you get on his case about bettering himself for the sake of your relationship and your future with him, depending on his age he could be dead set in his way and there won't be much you can do to try and help him. Those talks usually end in arguments and/or he probably goes silent after saying that he will do something about it. But there is never and will probably never be a significant change that will make you feel like things could possibly get better permanently.
Even though you love him it is highly recommended that you do what is best for you. Whether you stay with him or leave him is up to you. But you have to ask yourself, how much more can you take of his laziness and procrastinating before the inevitable eventually happens? If he really cared enough about you and your future he would do something to ensure its survival.
You should start by focusing more on you. What do you want to do with your life? Where do you want to be in the next 5 years? Make a goal sheet that you can tick off your achievements that work towards certain goals. Yes you can have more than one goal. Do things that make you happy that don't involve him. If he cares he'll take notice.
Having been in the same situation I understand how you feel. I left my disappointment, er... I mean I left him. :) And I am happy to say I found something so much better than that particular situation.
You can do the same, you just have to find the strength to make up your own mind.
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My boyfriend and I have been on and off but lately things have been well for us and I couldn't be ever more thankful that we have stopped arguing and tried to get to some common ground. Although, deep down, I can feel another fight coming, though I definitely don't want it to happen. The last time we talked to each other about our feelings and confronted each other on our problems, he told me something that just resonated and wouldn't leave my mind. When we first started becoming serious, and even when I was for sure serious about him, I remember that there was time where on social media, he would try to follow almost every girl he knew and would constantly like their pictures. I knew through people telling me and things I saw for myself. All of that hurt deep down knowing he was telling me one thing but was trying to get attention from other girls. Today, he doesn't really do it but I remember from our night's discussion that he told me whenever he was with his ex, he would think about being with other girls physically. He told me this because he was trying to say that he never feels that way with me. Of course after he mentioned it, I remember those times we were talking when I saw that same behavior from him. Now, I guess we are more serious but my question is, why does it bother me so much? I do trust him now but I'm scared if things go bad, what if he turns back to this behavior. It would hurt so much.
It also bothers me that he's had about 5 girlfriends in the past and he told me about some of the hookups he had too. I know its not a competition but I've had only one boyfriend in the past so... I don't know, it makes me a little insecure. How do I get over this? (link)
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What you both should do is take an extended period of time apart from each other. On and off again "relationships" are one of the most unstable relationships to be in. They are usually a security relationship. Like having a consistent fall back when things don't work out with other prospects. Being each other's rebounds. And it has to deal with both of you. The reason you're bothered by what has gone on in yours and his past and things he's told you about his relationships and "hook-ups" is because you both have never stabilized. He relies on you being his fall back just as much as you rely on him being there when things cool off between you two, even if you have to wait for things to go sour between him and another person because you both are insecure.
The more you don't want to have an argument the more likely something will happen to cause one. And then it will be the same old song and dance. If he has issues keeping focus in the bedroom, and has let you know about it, he is trying to cover up that he has also fantasized about other women while he's been with you too. Even though he says he hasn't. He knows he will get into more hot water with you if he were to tell you that its the same with you, and he doesn't want to risk losing the fall back. He isn't afraid of losing you, he is afraid that you will move on and his security blanket will not be there. And that is exactly what you need to do: Move on from him. It may be hard at first but he can not offer you anything new or stable or completely committed. What they say about people who are meant to be in your life will some how find a way to be in it is true, in some cases. But in cases like these, you're not alone, it is toxic and will only harm your mental well being and quite possibly your physical well being if one of your fights gets out of control.
It is going to hurt, because aside from the one other boyfriend that you had, he is all you've ever known. His behavior and everything else is all you've ever known. And as difficult as it sounds, you're going to have to learn how to stand on your own two feet and say: I Do Not deserve to be treated like a fall back or rebound. I deserve to be happy, free from insecurity.
I honestly speak from experience. It isn't worth torturing yourself over, wondering whether or not things will work out this time or always being on edge praying that you don't have a fight. All that does is cause more stress for you and it will take its toll further on you if you don't get out now. This will only change when you are strong enough to walk away knowing that there are better and more pressing things to be concerned about rather than how some guy has controlled your life for so long and whether this will be the time that it all works out or falls apart again for the umpteenth dozen time.
Mantra for healing: I Deserve Better Than This.
And a few songs to help get you going:
Papa Roach-Scars
Pink- So What
Destiny's Child- Survivor
Gotye- Somebody That I Use To Know
Kelly Clarkson- Since You Been Gone
The All-American Rejects- Gives You Hell
I wish you the best of luck. I hope you find yourself and find a way to get yourself happy and secure on your own without the help of a significant other. You are awesome and You Deserve Much Better!
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