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Wife has feelings for a coworker
My wife recently told me that her feelings for me aren’t there anymore, and while she loves me, she doesn’t love me like she used to. In a follow-up conversation, she let me know that she has feelings for a much older coworker of hers (16 year age difference). She says nothing has happened with him, but she’s confused with her feelings at the moment and doesn’t know what to do.
While heartbroken, I feel like this could have been much worse. And I’m struggling with what I can do or say to her to make her keep her commitment to me. She has said that none of this was my fault, but I’m sure he’s giving her more attention and communication than I was (we had gotten to the “comfortable” stage).
Obviously I can’t force her to love me, but I’m struggling to come up with rational ways to verbalize why she should stay. Can anybody give me advice on what I could say? What I’m trying to get at is yes, I understand that a new person can be exciting and fun, but we have already built the foundation to make a marriage go the distance.
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Aw :( this really upset me because you are still willing to try. Remember you deserve better than to feel second best and sometimes you must prioritise yourself. If she has no sympathy for you than you shouldn't have any for her. I know i sound completely heartless by saying that but i am only telling you what i feel is right. Truth is your happiness is more important than a marriage your holding by the skin of your teeth. Learn to let go and you will love again. If you have kids, it completely makes your situation harder but whatever you do i hope it all works our for you in the end. Best of luck. Again, I'm sorry you're in this situation.
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This is a very hard situation that you find yourself in. It sounds like your wife craved attention that she might not have gotten in her marriage. You say that you have already built the foundation to make your marriage go the distance, but it seems that your wife does not have the same feeling, since she developed feelings for another person. Your job now should be to show her through your actions that you value and care for her. Your actions should come from your love for her and should also show that you love her. If the feeling from her co-worker is mutual and he knows that he is persuing a married woman confront him in a non violent way and make it clear that you are prepared to fight for your wifes love and heart. The fact that the other person is so much older might suggest that she needs to feel secured and safe with the person that she is in a relationship with. This might mean that you need to make het feel that you can take the lead when needed. Just. Remember that actions speak louder than words. They are just as important as proper communication in any marriage.
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AdviceMan49 has good points... If she has moved on with this new man though, marriage counseling would be kind of out of the question.
But aside from the commitment that you both made to each other ask yourself these questions:
Do I take care of myself for her?
Do I do everything in my power to provide for my family?
Do I give her genuine attention that is heartfelt and not in a joking manner?
Do I satisfy her?
Do I give that attention to her everyday to make sure she knows how special she is to me?
Do I play too many video games instead of spending quality time with her?
Do I do things out of love or routine?
Do I really still feel the love we had at the beginning or am I stuck in comfort mode?
Why wasn't I afraid to lose her?
Why don't I make her happy anymore?
What could I have done to prevent this?(Make a list)
Some of these can be reversed for her and some should be asked of her so you can be informed. But people do change as time goes on. And maybe she was wanting more "security" or "spoiling" or help from being financially burdened.
And I'm not siding with either party or trying to be insensitive, but something was lost. Maybe it was lost for a reason. Maybe it made you both aware of what you were missing and what made you both happy. The more genuine attention a woman receives will be which way she leans. Whether it be sexual or non-sexual attention. If she feels she has to compete against an electronic device she'll wonder why you're not fighting for her instead.
I have friends literally going through the exact same thing currently. I feel for both of them because I know how both are feeling. But I don't want to comment on it because I don't want to be put in the position of choosing between my friends. I won't choose. I'm not happy with their current situation or how it came about. Them being separated makes things awkward because I had made them the example of happiness that I wanted for myself. They fought so hard to be together and tooth and nail to get married. Now I don't want to visit because all I feel will happen is hearing heartbreak from one side and blind happiness and down talking from the other. And for some reason I feel more for the husband than the wife because I've been in the husband's position more times and I know that hurt.
I'm really sorry that you're going through this. But maybe it's for the better. It will give you time to work on yourself and make yourself happy. It will take some time, I know. I hope things get better for you.
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I'm sorry you find yourself at such a point in your marriage. My feeling is that before you can do anything about this you need to find out where the love was lost. To do so I suggest marriage counseling. If either one of you have an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) at work contact them for assistance in finding a marriage counselor. Generally the EAP program will pay for several of the visits.
Once you find out where the problem is then you can take steps to correct it. Given your age it could very well be that you just married to young. If this is the case a marriage counselor can be a big help to both of you.
If there is something that caused her to lose her love for you then you can take steps to rekindle that love. To try and do this without knowing the how or why would be similar to flying a 747 by the seat of your pants. It can't be done.
Ask your wife to go to marriage counseling with you. Is she still does love you as she says she does she will do this with you.
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im sorry that you are in this situation.
but she has married you for a reason, didn't she? sometimes people can get bored after a while, and yes, new things are exciting, but doesn't mean that you should give up.
sway her again, do the whole dating routine again, woo her like how you were when you were still young lovebirds. the fact that your wife is honest to you means that she still loves you very much, and deep down, still believes in keeping your relationship alive.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
ignore the sad ending. but it can act as a guide for you to start gaining your wife's love again.
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