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Anxiety
12/f
My parents fight. A lot. They fight about money mostly , not because they don't have good jobs, but because they both handle the money badly(we r in the upper middle class). They also fight about little stuff too tho. Sometimes they crack and scream and break things. I get stressed out about it all and have mini breakdowns because I am so scared, like I can fear pulsing through me. They will makeup and then during a trip they'll fight again and then the whole trip is ruined.
Sometimes my mom will want me to get involved and be on "her side". I feel like a traitor if I choose sides. My mom won't get a divorce BC 1. She wants to be repaid by my dad through the lifestyle and money because she made his career and 2. She knows on her own with me and my two siblings we would never be able to afford the life we have now. I don't tell my two best friends because I don't want them to think of my parents that way. In a way, pretending everything is all right is what keeps me sane. Soccer and piano help too, but I still have panic attacks even when I am doing that. What do I do?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
Let’s start with the fighting. The fact they mom and dad fight does not mean they don't still love each other. Things said in the heat of an argument are rarely ever meant. The fact that they in a manner of speaking kiss and make up means they still love each other.
My God parents when they were alive constantly screamed at each other. It is just how the communicated but they loved each other to death a fact I was well aware of.
I don't know your parents so I can't really say what is behind all there arguing. Money does cause arguments. The fact that you have it does not mean you have to spend it. This in of itself can be the root cause of many arguments or it could be the other way around that one of your parents is pending money like a drunken sailor just because you do have it. This is another reason for arguments between parents.
Wanting to get a divorce because you want to be repaid for making someone’s career. This can be legitimate reason or just an excuse made to you to justify not getting a divorce. Under the law in most states a wife does have the right to 50% of her husband’s business or earnings if she is responsible for his ability to earn. Reasons would be her working and pay his way through college and schools such or Med or law school.
Now as for you. You should not upset yourself over your parents’ arguments. I know easy to say hard to do. Fact is there is little or nothing you can do. When mom or dad asks you to take their side in any argument you should simply say; "I love you both equally and I will not take sides." "Please work this out yourselves it hurts me physically to see you argue."
If they are good parents which I believe they are for you have not said differently this should bring them up short on their argument to ask you what you mean. This is when you tell them about their argument causing you panic attacks.
This is when you can suggest family counseling to help resolve whatever is causing the arguments. This is when you as to see your doctor and ask the doctor for help in suggesting family counseling.
In the alternative you can talk with a trusted teacher or your school principal about your home life and how you are having panic attacks. When a student comes to a teacher or principal as you would they are required to notify family services.
Family services would contact your parents and try to mediate the problems at home for you and to see to it you get the proper medical treatment to relieve the panic attacks. I fairly positive they would also mandate family counseling as well.
Your choice as to how you want to do this but one of these two choices is the best way to help yourself and your parents.
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Right now there isn't much you can do, which sucks. I know. I haven't been in your class range, but I know about fighting parents. Especially at your age. Most adults nowadays fight about money because the government is screwing with everyone's lives. But when they are in the position like your parents are in, it's no longer a marriage, it's a business contract.
My parents have been in the "won't divorce because they accumulated too much and my mom doesn't want to lose what she's been trying to acquire her whole life, even though there has been stuff that went on that should have been grounds for divorce" for almost 10 years now.
What I mean by its a business contract is, your mom has become accustomed to living in a particular way and will be damned if she gives it up. What might have started out as a loving gesture to help her husband further his career has now become her weapon to make him feel bad so he keeps providing for her lifestyle.
And that is probably making your father regret getting the help in the first place and he is now resenting your mother because of her new attitude and how she treats him. But there are probably other underlying issues that cause them to fight like they do. Which means somewhere along the way they forgot how to communicate with each other civilly even for the sake of you and your siblings. That kinda means that they don't care how their arguing is affecting you all. So sitting them down and asking them why they fight so much will have a 50/50 outcome. Either they will treat you like a young adult and tell you half of what's going on, or they will get mad that you even asked which will cause more fighting.
If you're going to a school that has guidance counselors, I would recommend going to one of them and ask how to go about getting family therapy. Now when you say that they will start to ask you questions about your home life. Be honest with them. Tell them about everything that's going on, including the screaming and throwing things. That will prompt them to ask you if you fear for yourself and your siblings. Tell them your answer. But also include how it makes you feel and what you physically and mentally go through.
Now by law, IF they also become fearful for you and your siblings, they are obligated to contact authority figures so they can make you and your siblings safe. If those authorities make a house visit your parents will probably lie about what's going on just to get rid of them. And that could spell bad news if your parents get mad about it. If they try to deny anything while the person is there, speak up. Don't stay silent. If you want to be okay and make a good difference in your family's life, speak up.
If you are able to see a family therapist, which I hope you'll be able to, you can speak freely about what you're feeling, about how someone makes you feel and what is going on in your home.
And the next time your mom wants you to pick sides, say "I pick my own side" and go to your room. If she asks what that is suppose to mean, tell her that It's not fair of her to put you in the middle of their petty squabbling. If something bad happens after that, I apologize. Tell the guidance counselor and they will be able to help.
Please let me know what happens. I'm worried for you.
I'm sorry you're in that situation.
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