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Should I Feel Bad About Wanting to Change Churches?
I'm 27 years old and I've been a member of the same church since I was born. I never really considered changing churches until a couple of years ago, but even then I keep thinking I'm gonna move soon, so I figured that there was no point.
Until a couple of years ago, we'd had the same pastor all of my life. We called him Brother Don and he was wonderful. He was a good pastor and although he didn't condone certain things, he taught us not to judge or condemn people who did those things. He loved all of us and he taught us to love each other and love everyone else we come in contact with as well. He treated everyone in the church like family and he gave awesome sermons.
When he left, we had another pastor come for a little while and then had a permanent pastor this past summer. We call him pastor Jason and I don't like saying this about him, but I don't think that he's a very good pastor.
It's hard for me to say these things without sounding judgmental of him and I acknowledge that, but he seems judgmental of others. He doesn't really teach unconditional love, but rather loving only people who go to your church or would be willing to go to your church. Perhaps I'm mistaken about that, but it seems like that's what he was saying. He also seems to like to judge others for the bad things they do.
He doesn't give good sermons and sometimes I feel like we hear more about his oldest son than we hear about God. Brother Don has four children and loves them as much as anyone loves their children, but he didn't talk about them much because he wanted to stay on subject and not tell a story about them unless it applied to the sermon. Jason FORCES stories about his oldest son into the sermon and if he doesn't have one, he just tells one for fun. I know people like to talk about their kids, but when your a pastor and spend most of your sermons talking about them, that's not good. Also it's always JUST his oldest son, never his other two kids and he makes it clear that his oldest is his favorite.. He says it's because his oldest son is adopted and the other two are biological, so he got to choose his oldest, but got stuck with his other two. This makes me wonder more about his character.
I love him and love everyone in the church, but I don't agree with most of them on a lot of things. For instance, this new friend of mine named Dave just came into my life. He happens to be an atheist, so as I Christian, I worry about him, but I love him. I want to be his friend, but so many people in our church hate atheists. They dehumanize them and judge them as being horrible people. They judge me for having anything to do with them and tell me that Christians shouldn't do that. They do the same with my gay friend, John and my jewish friend Spencer. I want to love everyone the way Jesus did, but the church doesn't seem to agree that we should,
So my question is should I feel bad for wanting to change churches?
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You know? A church that teaches you to hate is not a church of God. Guess whose. Sure you love the churchgoers, and you 'love' pastor jason, but it's not about them right? You know what? If you can notice the wrong things your pastor is teaching you and still love him as a person? Then you're already a great christian. So my answer is, it doesnt matter. You already have your solid faith! But the others dont, so my advice is, dont change 'your' church, change 'your church'
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I must agree Adviceman has a good point that if others felt the same as you do, its better to gather a group of people who work together on getting a replacement. But how to find out? Ask a person what they think of the new pastor, do they like him as well as Brother Don? People may be guarded and afraid to speak up for word getting back to the current Pastor and having trouble then. So you will have to carefully choose what you ask. If they say they like the new pastor better, ask them why and they'll have no problem telling you what they like better about him which probably goes against how you feel a Pastor should be. If they are hesitant to answer and perhaps have a guilty look, you could quietly whisper something to encourage them, "Dont tell anyone but, I personally liked Brother Don better, do you too? They may now have enough confidence to admit it they don't like the current one as much. And you might find a place to talk where other church members aren't around to over hear. Maybe somewhere in the church parking lot? Or going out for lunch after church?
Some may say, well I shouldnt be saying this, or I feel guilty but I personally liked Brother Don better and then you know you have someone willing to spill the beans as to all the things they don't like about the current one. Give them a private secure spot to chat with you and you'll find out how they feel. Once you've found enough that feel the same way, unless one of that group is already an elder in the church, then it's best for the group as a whole to request a meeting with an elder, the one you'd think most open minded and get their ear. I know in a church I went to, a group of elders who didn't like how things were going were able to get change started.
As to feeling guilty for wanting to change churches in case it comes down to that or you'd rather not go the road of finding others to kick out this Pastor, I have another analogy of sorts to share too to help you not feel so guilty.
In any profession in the world, just because someone has a college earned degree to be a Pastor, a Doctor, Nurse, Counselor, Accountant, Lawyer, etc... doesn't mean that they really have a heart for the work they do and the people they come face to face with. As you know already, two Pastors can have the same degree and head knowledge but lack 'heart knowledge'. Same goes for any other service type profession. I have met many a doctor I had no confidence in, who didn't seem to really care about my issues or when I was a caregiver, for the issues of my client. So when you come up against any accountant or doctor you don't like in your life experiences, you change Doctor or accountant without giving it a thought. It should be the same with a Pastor. I left church long ago cus the church I was in was one started/built by the pastor, he wasn't voted in to become the pastor like some churches. So no one was willing to kick him out when things got bad and like in your case he was always telling stories about his oldest son, building the kid up in everyones eyes to prep for putting him in charge of music ministry. After a while, his sermons got worse, less to the point, just rambling on from his life, telling stories like the jaw dropping 'I have no clue what God wants from me and I can;t hear him anymore. He told me to go back and do the last thing he told me to do and I don't remember what that was." He was asking basically for us, the church family to help him find his way back to God? I was growing spiritually on my own as I listened directly to God, surpassing what church men and pastors said as they are just human. God either said the Pastor was right or not to listen to that garbage. (but not in those exact words, hahaha) and there came a point long before his confession where I knew I had outgrown the Pastor and the church spiritually and I wasn't being called to be the teaching type leader there and the Pastor would not be willing to but any person who was more spiritually advanced than him in a place of authority such as Bible study leader, womens group leader, or hubby and I to become Elders. It would too obviously make him look worse in comparison. I wasnt selected to be a greeter to new people coming to the church but I did so anyways due to it being my personality and had more success with new comers coming to me thereafter for friendship and help with anything than the 'official pastor selected greeters'. Yes, there's such a thing as church politics. In many ways, It became too obvious than he was no longer in shepherd position and I the sheep, it had switched without him appointing me to anything, where I was Shepherd quality 'appointed by God to love all people regardless of who they are, no favoritism' and he must have felt like a dumb sheep. For he no longer greeted me or smiled or talked or joked with me. He avoided me. Shortly after, I realized it was time for me to move on. You are the type of person, following a higher calling, to act just as Jesus would. He cared and loved everyone and preferred to visit with taxcollecters and whores over those who were already on the right path. In some churches, to my opinion, people who go feel a need for structure, to be told what to do though they already know if they've read any of the bible, these folks are in a holding pattern. Made a move towards God but stopped when they got close and figured that was close enough. Or perhaps they began to back away and trust man and doctrines more than what god was saying to their hearts. when two people or two groups can't find common ground, it's best they no longer associate together. Same works for you in relationships, if the basic must haves that are most important to you are met in a guy, great...if too many differences that would be harmful or hurtful to you in any way, then its not meant to be.
And lastly, as to having friends who are not Christian, heres a story my Sister told me.
One day her Pastor complained how his daughter was dating a non Christian man and getting really serious. Previously the daughter dated a Christian man who treated her abusively, and didn't love her, was selfish, had a temper...(just because you find a mouse in the cookie jar, it doesnt make him a cookie) and so this supposedly Christian man didn't treat his daughter well. My sister asked him if his daughters welfare was that important that she be happy and healthy in a relationship. He answered yes. She then asked how the non Christian treated her. His answer was that he treated her really well, totally opposite of the Christian man. then she asked, as a Father, not as a Pastor, which do you prefer of the two in how they treat your daughter. "Of course the non Christian" he answered. ANd he began to see the point she was making, if as a Father, he saw the new guy as a better choice over the last for his daughter, God as our heavenly Father must feel the same. It matters not what a person labels themselves, that is of little concern to God, it is how we love all people unconditionally, to love others like God would. After that he supported his daughters choice in a man rather than try to split them up.
Hope this helps you lots dear. good luck and God Bless.
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NO you have every right to worship wear you feel welcome and feel comfortable. A bad analogy I can offer is; If I don't like a movie I get up and leave. Just because I paid to see the movies is no reason to sit through a bad one. In a similar reasoning if you are uncomfortable with the Pastor of your church get up and find a new church.
Leaving this church and finding a new one is a quick self-correcting action for yourself. What about those left behind. If others feel as you do then leaving is the wrong solution. The proper thing to do is to work within the church to get a replacement for this Pastor. If you are the only one to feel this way then of course the right thing to do is to find a new church you are more comfortable in.
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No, you shouldn't feel bad.
It sounds like the pastor you received as a replacement has personal issues that haven't been addressed or dealt with. Or worse yet, he has had them addressed to him but he doesn't care how others view him and his reprehensible character.
As a pastor you are supposed to preach about your religion passionately in hopes to inspire the world to do good and treat each other with respect and love; not talk incessantly about your child as if it were no more than a regular social function and saying "my kid is so much better than yours or my other kids".
I commend you on your way of thinking. But you don't have to worry about your atheist friend. Yes making his way just like you are and shouldn't be judged or feared for. Care about him as he is: another human, who has chosen to be your friend regardless of your religion.
The choice to change churches is entirely up to you. That's the power of having free will. If you aren't getting what you use to out of church, seek out the same feeling from possible preachers until you find what you are looking for. Don't feel bad about the choices you make. They lead you to where you're meant to be. And if things fall through they become lessons to learn from and you build around that lesson until things are good for you again.
-Blessed Be- :-)
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