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I don't know how to approach my friend on how I really feel
I've become friends with someone in Japan and have been talking to him for the past four-five months. The thing is that I'm 18 and he's 33. I didn't think it was that big of a deal. He started calling me "sister" and telling me that he loved me. I thought it was more of a sibling kind of love since he called me "sister." It began to get awkward when he started talking about seeing me and us living together. When I asked him how he really felt about me he said that he wanted to "make a love" with me. I explained that I didn't feel the same way and he shouldn't have referred to me as his sibling if felt that way. I told him that I was already in a relationship and thought it would end from there. The only thing that DID end was my title as "sister." After a while he began, again, telling me how much he loves me and wants to see me.
I will admit that it's partially my fault for not giving a stronger "no", and I do enjoy only some of the attention he gives me, but I can't stand hurting other people's feelings. The last time I dealt with something like this someone threatened their own life. He's also my friend and I don't know if he'd stop talking to me because of how I feel. What exactly am I suppose to do?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
No one likes to hurt people's feelings (except for rude jerks). But what he's doing is hurting you. You need to make it clear to him that you want him to give you back your old title as sister. Some guys will never give up unless there is some kind of shock to bring them back to reality. If you have a social networking site that you are friends with him on (Facebook, Instagram, etc) then post some pics of you and your boyfriend on there. He might even be thinking you made it up to let him down easy. If you post pics of you and your boyfriend (maybe even some where you both look love struck together) then maybe he'll back off a little. Or better yet, tell your boyfriend about this. Let him know that you like the guy as a friend but nothing more and see if he will have a talk with him. Your boyfriend may get jealous and want to straighten him out. Either way, this guy shouldn't be doing this when he knows your not comfortable with it.
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Tell him he's being fucking rude, and not acting like a friend at all.
You gave a very strong no. You said you were in a relationship. You said you didn't realize he had those feelings. His behaviour now is not the behaviour of a friend, it's the behaviour of a bully. That is the behaviour of someone who didn't want to hear No, so pretended he didn't hear it, and thinks if they just keep pushing you you'll turn that no into a yes.
He heard you. He understood what you said to him. He decided what you think doesn't matter, that you are too stupid and too young to know what's best for you, so he'll just keep pushing at you until you realize your error and give him whatever he wants.
Don't blame yourself. This is on him. He thinks that bullying you is an okay thing to do. He thinks you don't have the right or the intelligence to actually say No to him. He doesn't respect what you say to him.
The good news, is it sounds like this is an online friendship, and it easier to type these things then say them outloud, but you do need to send him these messages very clearly.
Stop this.
It's not respectful.
It's not what a friend does.
If you can't be respectful of my relationship and my utter lack of romantic feelings for you, then you can't be my friend.
If he stops talking to you, good. That means he was NEVER your friend. He was just a guy who thought you were a vending machine for love, and if he just kept putting in coins, you'd spit out what he wants eventually. It's good if that kind of guy stop talking to you. That kind of guy will always make you miserable.
If he can be respectful, then you can be friends, but lets be brutally honest here: An older person who seeks out a much younger person, from another country, online for 'friendship', is very unlikely to actually be looking for friendship.
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I will explain a fact of relationships to you and then its for you to decide what to do.
There are two kinds of needs and connections to a person, the emotional connection and the physical connection. The lucky people find both in one person. It sounds like you've found the emotional connection with him and I don't know if you have the same with your current bf, or if its only the physical connection or both. If you are looking for you long term or life long partner right now...then you need to be serious about finding the man with whom you have both, not one or the other. If the man you're with is both, then it means he is fulfilling all your emotional needs, if there is something missing but he really loves you, let him know what else you need so he can fulfill it instead of looking for it elsewhere. I understand the importance of having friends besides your main crush. So girlfriends can help with the emotional support. In rare cases, a male best friend works just as well but brings complications into the picture. Your main guy could get jealous and leave you over another guy you give attention to. If it were the other way around and your boyfriend had an LDR lady friend that he had an emotional connection with on line, how would you feel? Maybe youre different than most, but most women would feel threatened, feel they must be lacking somehow, think the boyfriends just a player and get jealous, wondering just how many other such women he has on the side. It goes both ways dear.
And now the decision is yours to make based on all the things I've given you to think about. Pursue the LDR male friend, or cut it off for once and for all by simply not reading or responding to anything he sends. Over time, he'll get over it.
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Hey there!
No good person likes to hurt other people's feelings. It sucks. But you need to take care of yourself here, you need to say a strong "no". If he is a friend of yours, he will understand and respect your wishes... As for people threatening taking their life because of you, that happens sometimes and it's not because of you. Some people might say that to manipulate someone or make them feel guilty, which it worked on you, since you now feel guilty to face this Japanese guy and say what you feel, or actually what you don't feel. Someone threatening to take their life can often be because they are very, very unstable or depressed and need to get help, and this has nothing to do with you. If possible, try to make sure that the person gets the help they need if that happens again, but remember, this is not on you!
I really, truly don't like songs that talk about how "I would die without you." Or "I can't live without you." Etc... You can't live without oxygen. You can live without a former crush or lover... No one should ever depend on another person to make them happy or "save their life." Relationships can often be a fantastic part of life, and something that enhances your life, but they should never BE your life, but a lot of people depend on other people to make them happy or save them, so unfortunately things like that happen, and lots of actual suicides happen too.
For him to talk about living together and making love after only knowing you for a couple of months, plus considering the age gap... I find it very very suspicious and weird, it happens a lot, a lot, a lot though. I don't think you can really love a person without seeing their darkest of sides and still loving them... I honestly doubt he loves you.
You need to protect yourself and say what you have to say to him. A friend will always understand and respect your feelings or lack of feelings, and if he threatens suicide, that is NOT YOUR FAULT! You always come first. Everyone should put themselves and their own feelings first.
What do you really know about this guy? Think about it. It would kinda freak me out a little if this happened to me. He should respect the fact that you are in a relationship. Tell him exactly what you wish that you could if it didn't hurt his feelings. Don't think about hurting his feelings. It is important that you are honest in a nice, but firm way. I would even talk to my boyfriend about it if I was in your situation.
It's always nice to get attention from someone and to hear nice things someone says they feel for us.
I understand that, but if he does care for you he will understand that you don't feel the same.
Remember, take your feelings only into consideration when you give him the strong "no" you didn't last time. Remember also that sometimes we meet super weird and crazy people on the internet. Just make sure you take care of yourself.
It's about you and your wishes. If he is a true friend of yours he will respect that even if it would hurt him and never make you feel guilty about it. It's only gonna get more and more uncomfortable for you if you don't tell him you see him as a friend only.
Good luck!
xoxo
~alexisgirlie
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