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Finding Out That Your Sister in Law's Due Date is Your Daughter's Birthday
How do you respond to something like that when, although you're cool with it, you know that your wife DOES NOT want your daughter to share a birthday with a cousin? She does not want her child to have to share a birthday with another one of her parents' grandchildren. She doesn't want her to have to share her spotlight on her special day.
To be honest, I feel a little sorry for the little squirt (sister in law's baby) because he'll be the son of your father in law's least favorite daughter. His universe already revolves around his oldest daughter and the grandchildren he got from her, so he's probably gonna try to push the new kid out of the spotlight too.
Mother in law's different, but big deal. This new kid is still gonna get shafted and treated like he CHOSE to be born on that day just to steal attention from his cousin. I feel bad for him because this is how I was treated by my family. I was ignored and deprived of attention and affection and I feel bad that my family's gonna do that to someone else. I also do want my daughter to get a chip on her shoulder and think that she's the ONLY one with a right to be treated well on her birthday. Lastly, I don't want this to cause bitter blood between us, the new kid, and his parents.
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There is really not much that can be down about when the little cousin arrives. Due dates are just that. A date the doctor calculates and in most instances, at least in my family is never the date the baby is born. If by chance your sister in-law does give birth on that day it is something your wife will have to deal with.
Frankly I would suspect if the two grandchildren are born with in days of each others date the family will still chose to celebrate them together. Your daughter will celebrate at home with her friends with a party your wife makes for her and it will be her special day because your wife made it so.
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I assume the issue is that the entire extended family faithfully gets together for each persons birthday celebration from babys to grandparents and everyone in between and thats why you see there being an issue. Is it really any less hassle if each person had their own day and didn't share it with anyone else? Maybe you think not. But I know better. My ex had a birthday on the 9th, first daughter born the 7th of same month and the 3rd born on the 4th. So each had their own day, but I found it exhausting to try to come up with 3 different birthday partys all within the same week.
When my kids got to school age and began to make friends, there was no one celebration for all thing anymore. We let each child have their own birthday party with chosen theme and just their friends present and chose whatever weekend was before or after their birthday so it made it easier for kids to attend. We had a separate get together for all the relatives to celebrate all 3 coming to share good wishes or bring all those gifts if they could afford it. Where there is a will (for peace and compromise) there is a way. Where people choose to remain shortsighted and immature about things totally out of their control, there will be strife, anger, frustration and lack of peace all of their own making. I would suggest going for the former, peace and compromise.
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You call your wife on her shit and remind her that the worst thing she can do for everyone is be whiny, resentful and drama-seeking about this.
Yes, sharing a birthday can suck. So can having a birthday during the summer when everyone is away on vacation. Or having your birthday too close to christmas or halloween. Hell, when I was 8, a classmate tragically DIED on my birthday - which obviously sucks for the family way more than me, but it did mean or the rest of my childhood I got to hear "Happy Birthday!... Oh, do you remember Mark? That was so sad." There is a lot about birthdays that can potentially suck. Sharing one with your cousin isn't even close to one of the worst ones.
The truth is your families inappropriate drama is going to exist no matter when this cousin is born. The worst thing and you wife can do, is add fuel to the fire. None of you have any control over this, and whatever does happen, will become your daughter's normal. If you make her normal an excuse for more drama and resentment, that is what it will be.
It sounds like the person you really need to be talking too is your wife. She's got the power to make the best of this, and right now, she sounds like she isn't going to be using her power as a force for good. She sounds like she is going to use her power as a force to continue the worst parts of her family dynamic.
Talk to her. Remind her of the difficulties you faced being on the receiving end of this sort of resentment and favouritism. Remind her not to teach her daughter selfishness, or to limit her daughter's love for her family members based on petter disagreements that began long before she was even born. Remind her that a new generation have a chance to do better then those who came before them.
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