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My mom is "pregnant" again and I feel almost suicidal
There will be a 21 year age gap between us. They won't be a sibling, they'll be like my niece, and they'd see me as an aunt. I want to vomit. I think it's an IVF baby and we're catholic, so I don't see how that works. I have 2 other siblings, were we not good enough for our parents? My mom stereotypes certain people having more kids than they can afford, and says we have money issues (why we never properly take vacations and etc) and that we can't afford a pet's healthcare, but suddenly she adds another human to the mix? I'm beyond pissed. If this happened when I was younger, the more the merrier, but I kind of feel like this new kid is to make up for "mistakes" she had when raising my siblings so I feel hurt and offended. She's a bit materialistic saying this is the most money her and my dad have had and that my older sibling and I were born in a council flat early in their relationship but that's like saying that she had no choice in getting pregnant then, when she did, twice. I already wanted to put off having kids til my 30s and now im close to tears and reconsidering even getting iinto any sort of relationship in the future, much less having kids later. I just feel so grossed out and let down and now it's like I feel my mom will just dump this new child on meto take care of when I have my own activities and life to plan for, so I'll be even more diligent now to leave this house as soon as possible cause I feel like my mom isn't the same mom she was 10 years ago. Even before she announced pregnancy she would just be so different and even earlier today I wondered how I was even born from her and how I grew up in my family. with the whole IVF thing I saw bookmarks on her computer and I knew she had been taking prenatals a year ago but I thought it was just a joke. I had a major panic attack a few weeks ago when I thought I saw an ultrasound til I checked the year and it was just my younger sibling's. But no, now I know it's real and I just feel so let down cause i liked our family as it was. The IVF means she likely got a diff egg cause she's in her late 40s which means the kid will only be a half sibling. And I saw the girl they were considering and she's not even our ethnicity so the kid will look very obviously different from the rest of us as it technically would have a diff mother. Why didn't she just adopt?! I would have been more ok with An adoption than this Frankenstein type stuff. I don't mean to be mean, that's just how I'm feeling right now. God forbid I couldn't have kids natirally one day, if I ever for some reason wanted too then there's plenty of people seeking adoptive families that already exist and need to be loved and cared for. My mom was all happy but she has no large age gaps in her family. I' literally know NO ONE with such a huge gap between their siblings. I feel embarrassed mad and resentful. We won't be able to relate to each other at all. How do I make sense of this? Are there any books on this? I feel extremely unhappy
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Sometimes a new addition can be scary, and can make one mad and depressed. Within time, I'm sure you will end your time is up loving the child. You don't have to care for the child of you don't want to. With you being in your twenties, you don't have to take orders from your mom. Let her know that. A new addition can be scary and horrifying, but I've time I'm sure you will end up liking the child. Do your best to make the best of it. After all, this baby is a human being too. If you don't want another screaming child in the house, you can try getting your own apartment and making the occasional visit. Sometimes in these kind of situations its best to see a therapist. They can help you make a breakthrough with the suffering and pain your feeling from your mom purposely getting pregnant again.
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You have a lot of issues to deal with. TO do so starts with sitting down and getting answers to those questions/issues from your mother. IVF does not mean the baby she is carrying is not from her own egg. Being in her forties does not mean she has entered menopause or she is fully into menopause. IVF is also used to help people who are having trouble conceiving using their own eggs and sperm. This may be the case with mom now. My sister did not go into menopause until well into her fifties.
You have a right to be upset to find out at the ripe old age of 21 you're about to have a little brother or sister will upset anyone your age or older. Your also right to assume that caring for this child may fall to you before this child reaches the age of majority. All of these things are what you need to discuss with your mother and father.
For one thing feeling as you do you need to tell them you do not wish to be n=named the child's guardian in their will or be a godparent which would make you the child's parent in the event of mom or dad dyeing before the reaching age 18. Your parents may be assuming if you're the oldest that you would do this for them with this child and your younger siblings.
What I'm not so sure about is how mom and dad having a baby now interferes with your life plan. You are 21 legally an adult answerable only to yourself. You are not responsible for things your parents do and you cannot be forced to be responsible for their bills or other problems. You are not obligated to care for your siblings, this soon to be born on or your other siblings and yes you can chose to care for one and not the other if you wish. It is your choice as to how much you can take on.
This is why it is important to talk to your parents now. You parents may or may not be great planners I don't know them so I can't say. What I do know is when this child is born because of their ages the hospital social worker will advise them to make sure a guardian is named for this child in the event of their demise prior to the child reaching 18. As I said above if you do not want to be the named guardian speak up now for if the time comes and you are the named guardian. You could refuse but you will spend a great deal of money fighting child protective services doing so.
In short everything you have written about boils down to having an open and frank discussion with your parents. Feeling suicidal will not solve anything talking will.
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Go speak to a therapist.
You have anger with your mother, and your family, and issues with your own childhood. You should go get some support to handle that, and stop hating an unborn child.
Seriously, your reaction is out of control. It's okay to be angry, but your extreme reaction tells me there must be far more going on here, because why on earth would this cause you to question your own life choices? Why on earth are you fearful that this child will become your responsibility? Why on earth on these the things you are afraid of? And your apparent religious objections are fine beliefs for you to have, but why are you driving yourself to illness over them? These aren't reasonable reactions. These are reactions that are way out of sync with what is actually taking place here.
If you are still living at home, then yes, getting out is probably a good idea. You are 20, you should want to leave your parents house and work on your own life. Your mom having a new baby shouldn't change anything about that plan.
My youngest sibling is 14 years my junior and she's almost 18 years younger than my oldest sibling. Mostly, that's been an awesome thing in our lives. Sure, it was a bit embarrassing when people thought she was my daughter - but that was more funny that anything else. The age difference has meant that sometimes we don't have much in common, but that doesn't mean I love her any less, or like her any less. And I think she'd tell you there are a whole bunch of perks to having adult siblings who are that much older than you.
You are about to have another human being in your family. Even if you hate the situation around that - that other human being deserves respect, not hate. If you can't get that place on your own, then talk to a therapist, because if you can't get your anger under control it wont be your mom's decisions that ruin your happiness with your family, it'll be your own anger that poisons you.
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well i read your post and to be honest I haven't been in your position but I try to relate.I mean if I learned that my mom was now pregnant I would feel awful and grossed because it reminds me that my parents are having sex.However I believe that even if the idea of a new sibling scares the hell out you,you will gradually like her/him.You should also try to talk to your parents about how you feel and explain what bothers you.Also try to imagine how your parents feel.It must be akward for your mum too to be pregnant.Parents are regular people and they make tons of mistakes!Imagine if your mum ''killed'' this baby!She would feel awful for you too because she tries to be a rolemodel to you!Even if you feel like that right now it will get better.always remember that.Right now try to dedicate timefor yourself.do things that you love and be outside as much as possible.hope this helped. -xoxo
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