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My brother's awful girlfriend
My brother is 35 years-old, and for a VERY long time, has fallen into the pattern of dating girls who are superficial and manipulative. He also has a problem where he gets serious VERY quickly and basically allows who he dates to take advantage of him. The excitement of being in a relationship blinds him to the red flags that I see all to clearly. That said, he has been dating a girl for about 2.5 months, she is 26, already divorced, and has already brought some of her things to his apartment and had my brother pay $400 to have someone organize his entire place (not to mention she put up decorations, etc)... obviously it seems a plot to infiltrate his life. When we went out a couple times, her behavior struck me as bizarre- overly high energy, and attention seeking. When we were all in a cab, at one point she put her hand on my brother's mouth and said ,"no one cares what you think." The entire ride, she was spastic, overly high energy, etc. I can see she is superficial, manipulative, and attention seeking. Worst of all, she has my brother convinced that she is not. He likes her a lot, they are very into each other, and it worries me. I need to have a talk with him but do not know how to approach the topic or what I should say. Any advice?
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Yeah, she sounds like she's using him. To be honest, I doubt she even likes him at all, just probably wanted a free place. No doubt she's a gold digger. If that's the case, she won't hold on to him for long and will date other guys behind his back. I think you should keep your eye on her and see if she does anything suspicious. I'm not saying stalk her, I mean to look out for any signs that means she's cheating. Though you would have to have proof. And try to introduce your brother to some different girls and pretend that your only intention is friendship. If he gets to know a different girl, this will soften the blow and could have him end up with someone who cares about him for who he is and no what he has. That's probably your best bet. Good luck, and I hope he gets someone who truly loves him!
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Before I tell you how I'd respond to it let me say, As what you described with all the apartment décor, Items, ect.
It comes off as she's rushing Into things. Not taking time to know him, Maybe even greedy. If she's already making him pay for things now he could be paying for everything she needs( wants) later down the road. Which is a major set back. Your brother may be in sorry but a stage where he believes every other girl is the one. But we all do stupid things and sometimes can't realize how idiotic they are. But back to her you said she didn't care what he thought. You have to care about one another in a relationship, friendship,whatever! WWhich once again is a set back. Her being divorced is also a set back for me. Possibly for you. Its possible the marriage just wasn't right. But it could've been just like it's going with your brother then after time went on he got tired of it.
Along with many more red flags. I believe you are afraid they'll get married or become very very serious. Which I hope won't happen. One red flag should mean no marriage several is a definite no.
Now how to approach this. It will be hard especially since he is happy with her. But you need to be very calm and try to be serious. Maybe take another family member out ( one he is close too) let them see the way she acts then you can both address the issue . If you come off very harsh he might just overreact and push you away. But if things to become heated it may be necessary.
Hope it helped I'm 11 so I don't know much about marriage
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If you see this as a pattern in your brothers life then there is a reason your brother is attracted to this type of women. Just from what you have written I cannot say and I am not a psychologist so it would be wrong for me to even speculate. But somewhere in his formative years he became attracted to this type of women.
Your speaking to him is not going to help and may even injure your relationship with your brother. What you really need to do is to get him to a psychologist who can help him find out why he is so attracted to this type of women and to realize why he allows himself to be taken advantage of.
This will not be easy as it falls under the heading of you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. He has to want to see the psychologist and work with him or her to find out why.
If he was my brother I might say something like, "Bro it hurts me to see some of the women you date take advantage of you." "You can do better and there are women out there who will love you for who you are and not what you will do for them." "I think you should consider seeing a therapist to find out why and if it will help I will even go with you to the first few sessions."
Therapy has to be his idea to work. The offer to go with him for the first few session sis to ease him into it and to tell the therapist why he is there if he won't tell him or her himself. Then you back out of the session as they are more productive one on one.
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Ask questions.
Does your brother recognize that in his past he has allowed himself to be taken advantage of? Does he know that he makes some bad choices before?
If he knows he has a pattern, that's the place to start. Attacking this particular girl wont help you much if he's in the early stages of infatuation with her, but if he is capable of recognizing some of the mistakes he's made in the past, then you can talk about how he may be making those same mistakes right now.
Unfortunately, in the end there isn't much you can do to actually change him. Either he'll figure this shit out or he wont. Nothing you can say is going to magically fix it and you don't want to try to rule over him. The trick is to just be one reasonable voice, and to ask serious, non-judgemental questions. Remember your goal shouldn't be to get rid of this girl tomorrow - that is unrealistic and disrespectful - the goal should be to encourage your brother to make healthier and more mature choices in his love life.
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The pattern he is in may be for a reason. Subconscious, he may be afraid to settle down so he doesn't seek stable marry-able women. He may be addicted to the NRE, New relationship energy and will in trade for getting to feel it, allow a girl to take over his life. NRE doesnt last long so after a couple months to maybe 6 mos tops, that feeling fades and he needs to get his next high from finding a new girl.
It is hard to not say anything when we see a loved one going down the wrong path but if any adult, its their life and their choice to make and their mistakes to hopefully eventually learn from.
Ask yourself: "Do I really think he is so blinded he doesnt see what he choosing in relationships? Because if he is really that dense, then words from loved ones are not going to get throught to him either.
I am going to guess that you and your brother are very close or have been until he started dating girls you didn't approve of, whether with just cause or not. If you go along with him and his date, that's pretty close. There just might be a possibility that you resent another lady taking your place as most important person for him but I dont know either of you and have to just guess.
Maybe you are twins, or maybe you were the older sister always looking after him and can't let go of that role. Do you know what the rest of the family thinks of all his girlfriends including both the past and current one? How are they handlling it? Are they constantly having talks with him or are they keeping silent and allowing him to make the choices he needs to make as an adult. If you decided to get multiple body piercings, and dye your hair baby blue tomorrow, would your parents have a talk with you and tell you that they don't approve? Would your brother?
Sound to sound harsh but I do know how hard it is to stand by and watch a couple of my adult children make terrible choices that hurt both of them in the relationship area and for one the added mental health area as well. Everyone else has already said something or confronted numerously and it has brought no change about. The reason being, no one person can 'make' another person choose to change. They basically have to hit rock bottom and have a desire that comes from within them, not from outside influences, to actually successfully change. Without the desire to change, they won't. So you're welcome to try but at the risk of him shutting you out of his life as I have witnessed happening in my family between siblings. Or keep silent and pray for him instead. Prayer is powerful. My younger sister saw years ago that I was on a path of being very narrow minded and other things and prayed that I would see the light. It didn't come immediately but when it did, it was due to a want to change with also help from God. God can reach into a persons mind and heart and spark an interest to change without forcing them to it. He gave us all free wills to make good and bad decisions and as you see it right now, it seems your brother is making all the bad ones. But it is his choice.
I've said everything to tell you its better not to approach the topic. If you still feel hell bent on doing so, beating around the bush, he may not have a clue what you're talking about so just come out and be direct about it. No special lead up, just, I've got something I need to get off my chest about something I've been observing you doing and then say it.
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I wouldn't touch that girl with a ten foot pole. Lol.. You've already made it clear that your brothers girlfriend is psycho..so why don't you explain this to the rest of your family? However, state your thoughts seriously and thoughtfully with family members. They won't last long and it will affect their relationship when he finds out the family doesn't approve of her.
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