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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
I'm usually the type of girl who doesn't call the guy first or contact them at all in the beginning, but once we're in a "stable" relationship, I'll start calling them or texting them first.
I guess you can say I got this from my mother. I once told her I called this guy (even though we had been talking awhile) and she got mad and said, "No! He's supposed to call you!" So ever since then I've never called.
And maybe I'm scared of when they don't answer!
Well, here's my point:
The guy I like is younger than me, about 2 years. I don't care, though! He likes me a lot and I like him, yet he never calls or texts me. He's texted me three times over the month we have been talking at school. Recently, he's told my friends, "Oh, she doesn't do anything, I'm not about to call or text her. She needs to call me." And he said in a way I should 'chase him.' I have texted him twice, too. I do NOT chase boys! I don't want to come across as desperate! I really like him. I don't kno if he's just being immature, an a-hole, or if I really do need to do more?
The Answer
If you would really like something to happen here, then yes, you need to make a move.
Let me clear this up for you though: You are BOTH being immature expecting the other person to do the 'chasing'.
It's not a rule that men must call first. It's a power game and it always has been. In the old days, rejection was one of the only powers women had in relationships, so everyone was very protective of idea of men approaching women frist. In a society of equals however, that kind of thinking is petty and mean.
As you've now noticed, it put someone (you) in a very uncomfortable and vunerable position when someone (him) isn't honest about thier feelings and expects to be 'chased'.
It doesn't feel good when it happens to us, and guys don't like it when it happens to them.
This praticular guy may or may not be an asshole, but either way consider him a practice guy and give calling him a try. It will only help you in the future to have this skill.
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The Question
My boyfriend had been living at my house for almost a month. Everything was going great, he was getting along really well with my siblings and parents and everything. On Saturday my dad came home early from work and walked in on me and my boyfriend having sex. My dad got really angry and said "YOU CAN LEAVE NOW!" to my boyfriend and saying things like "HE'S NOT LEAVING FAST ENOUGH!" to me. I can understand how walking in on us having sex would upset him a lot and I understand that it's his house and everything and that we were being disrespectful and all, but at this point he still won't let my boyfriend back in the house and things are still really awkward between all of us. This SUCKS. I really miss my boyfriend living with me and we don't know how to make it right with my dad. What should I do? HELP!
The Answer
Hun, if you and your boyfriend were really mature enough and capable of living togeather, you wouldn't have slapped your dad in the face with your sexual activity.
You screwed up, big time. You say that you understand him being upset and get how disrespectful it was, but I don't think you truly understand if you actually think your boyfriend is going to be allowed to move back in.
If you aren't at a stage in life where you can be honest with your parents about your sexual activity, you weren't at a stage in life where you should be living with your boyfriend at all.
It was fun while it lasted, now deal with respecting your parents and begging thier forgiveness. Encourage your boyfriend to do the same.
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The Question
My boyfriend's family doesnt really like me all to much. They [ had ] a reason to . This past summer[ 07 ] i kissed another boy , i made a horribLe mistake but he was gracious enough to still love me just as much and give me another chance. We have been dating 11 months and 3 weeks. Once his family fount out [ a lonng time ago ] They just never really cared for me . I can totally tell from before i cheated , to after. His family was rude to me to my face and still are . His mom isnt the same around me to , Iv tryed so hard to show his family how completly sorry i am , i respect them to the max and im polite . But they still havent forgave me , [ i can tell ] i just wanna know what to do . They have had more than enough time to get over it , if justin [ boyfriend ] can deal with me , then why cant his family who i never see?
The Answer
Talk to your boyfriend about it.
It's okay if they don't like you. You have to learn to live with that and forgive yourself anyways. But it isn't okay if they are openly rude to you.
Ask for your boyfriends support in this, because it really hurts you. His family is only trying to defend him, not hurt you. If he explains to them clearly that everything is good, but that thier attitude is not very nice, things will likely get better.
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The Question
F/14
Ok. the frist question is one of my friends has had a crush on one of our guys friends((Lets call my guy friend Marc and my friend who has a crush on him Rosa))Anyway,Rosa has had a crush on marc for who knows how long but the problem is rosa and all my other friends know marc is gay.Rosa was going to confess to marc last week but she was soo nervous to say anything to him that she had a chance to tell him she left running away leaving all her things with me.
A friend of ours who knows Marc really well((I'll call her kate))Kate told Rosa that if she tells marc he'll be all 'Ewwwww.....how gross' to her,and she do'sent want that((even though there is a high possibilty he might say that since he can be really cold))I just dont want her to feel hurt.Besides she also likes someone else and I tell Rosa that she should just get over marc.
But she is soo determined to tell him and I dont want marc hurting her feelings.
So should Rosa tell marc her feelings or should I try reasoning with her and tell her to get over marc and go for the other guy she likes?
My second problem((though I really dont think its a problem or not i dont know))on valentines day i told my crush that I liked him.But he said he only liked me as a friend and nothing else.But the whole time I confessed to him he was blushing,scratching his head,smiling,I was ready to yell in his face and tell him to stop doing that cause that made me even more nervous that i was.
It's already been about a week since I told him and he still somewhat stares at me like before i i confessed to him.I just dont know if what he told me was true or not cause maybe he does like and is just too scared to admit it or is just not ready for a realtionship,or maybe his parents dont let him have a girlfriend.I dont know but he still gives me the signs saying'I like you' but just not that frequently anymore since I told him.
I'm sorry for the longness,but I serously need help for my friend and me.
The Answer
In the future, please ask only one question per post. If you have a second question, make it a new question.
Let Rosa do as she will. Everyone gets rejected sometimes, and it always hurts. She might secretly feel she needs to hear Marc shoot her down before she is free to go after this other guy.
You've give Rosa the best advice you can, now just support her in whatever she chooses.
As for you, try and forget about this guy for a while. He told you he wasn't interested. Part of respecting a person is believing what they say. He probably blushed he was flattered and a bit embarrassed. The 'signs' you think he still giving, might just be his way of trying to go back to you 'normal friendship', like you were before you confessed so things don’t get all awkward.
He told you no. Please believe him. Until he tells you otherwise, try to move on.
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The Question
Okay, so im 17/f and I just broke up with my boyfriend.
I've masturbated before, but im looking for some new ways to have orgasms.
Any ideas or suggestions would be helpful.
Also, is it bad to masturbate while u have your period?
thanks!
The Answer
We do not give explicit instructions on how to masturbate on this site. Googling it will give you plenty ideas, some of them actually good.
There is nothing wrong with masturbating while on your period. In fact, many women find it reduces thier cramps, so go ahead.
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The Question
Look I Come From A Strict Family...
Both Of My Parents Are Teachers...
And Im 13 And Im Already A Total Party Animal...
But My Parents Wont Let Me Do Anything!!!
My Dad Will Not Let Me Talk To Boys...
Let Alone Have A Boyfreind!!!!!
And I Just Want To Be On My Own A Bit...
And EveryTime My Parents Say No....
We End Up In A Fight...!
What Should I Do...!
The Answer
Chill out.
You are thriteen, you certainly aren't a little girl, but you certainly are't ready to be a party animal either.
Relax, have some respect for your parents and speak to them more calmly. Treating them with respect now, will help them treat you with respect as you get older.
No is something every teenager hears, sometimes often. The smart ones know that loosing a battle is sometimes part of winning the war. Behave well and avoid fights and you'll hear yes more often.
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The Question
okay I really want to know which condom is best for protecting against sperm.(pregnancy wise) and also which one is the worst?
The Answer
Truth is that ALL condom brands on the market (even the ultra thin kinds) have to pass the exact same, very strict testing. So they are ALL quite safe and with in like .2% of eachother when it comes to breakage.
People might have brands they like best, but they are pretty similar in the end.
The best condom for protection is the one that has been stored at room temperature, left totally sealed, applied properly and then promptly removed and thrown out. Doesn't matter what the brand is: for the best protection just take care of the condoms and use them properly.
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The Question
okay I need to find a household lube for masterbation I am a 16 year old girl can you use unscented lotion or vitamin e or aloe vera. Please tell me something I can use
The Answer
House hold products should NOT be used as lube. The chemicals used in things like body lotion can cause vaginal pain or even infection (if they have an methanol in them, be prepared to howl in pain). Oil and petroleum-based products (like Vaseline, or vegetable and baby oil) also trap bacteria up inside of you that can cause infections.
Buy real lube. It's safe, and works better then anything else anyways. You can get it at a drug store or many grocery stores. Suck up your fear, find a good hiding place, and masturbate safely.
As embaressing as it might be IF your parents find it, think of how embaressing it will definately be if they have to call 911 because you stuck something inside of yourself that has made you very sick.
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The Question
14f I THINK THAT PEOPLE SHOULD BE ABLE TO DATE AS MANY PEOPLE AS THEY WANT.If you have a boyfriend you should talk to eachother about also being able to see other people like calling them your bf/gf also. I mean, why should you have to stick to that one bf/gf, that will get boring, give your love life some variety. The whole commitment thing is i think overrated. Or you can call it a commitment but have the same with other people too. I want as many peoples opinion on this. Maybe someone can change my mind. Thanks
The Answer
It is fine to feel that way. I have no interest in changing you mind.
But you MUST RESPCT that everyone does not feel the way that you do, and that their feelings deserve respect and honor just like yours do. People are not less intelligent then you, or less mature then you, because they enjoy monogamy and commitment.
I've been in non-monogamous and open relationships and you are right, the variety IS fun and exciting, espcially when you are young and still learning about people and relationships. As you get older though, it's also tiring and often short lived. In the end, the most satisfying relationships I've had have been the committed ones.
This is my advice to you and you need to understand it and understand it quick: DO NOT date people who don't feel the same way you do. You will NOT change their minds. You will hurt each other. Be honest and upfront about the way you like your relationships to operate and allow people to back out if they are uncomfortable.
Date everyone and anybody who interests you! But becareful calling anything a 'relationship' if the other person doesn't understand and agree to your terms.
You will always miss some opportunities and options in life, whether you are in a committed relationship or not. You have to be mature enough to see when someone wants different things then you, and not try and fight to make them want to same things as you. Accept what the song says is true, you can't always get what you want, and you'll be in a more realistic frame of mind to approach open relationships or even just to 'date around'.
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The Question
i was wondering..making out and frenching is different right?
i always thought making out was alot of kisses non stop and frenching was using your tounge.
Also, do girls get mad if you put your hands like on their butt while making out?
The Answer
Making out can involve french kissing or not.
French kissing is when you use your tongue.
Some girls might get mad if you grope them. Best to go slow or ask them first, and stop the second they say no or try to move your hands away.
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The Question
well, im going out with this girl. The thing is, we've never met. I got her number from Aol, and we used to go out on and off. Recently, we started again, and for the first time, since we've ever gone out, we talk everyday on the phone, and when not that, we text each other. So when we got bed i say "good-night, bye" but im wondering, when, should i say "love you?" because it seems like a wierd thing to say. we really like each other, but should i say "love you" aswell? if it helps, im 16/m
The Answer
There is no 'should' about love hun. There is no time in a relationship where love becomes something you are supposed to say.
If you feel it, say it. If you don't, don't. If it still seems 'wierd' to you, you probably aren't sure enough to say it yet. (Honestly, I'm not sure I could ever be sure enough about being in love with a person I hadn't even met yet.)
But if you do say it, at least say it on the phone the first time, not online ;) Go for as much personal contection as you can get.
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The Question
23f
i have a bf. he moved away but i still see him regularly.
in the meantime i have developed a crush on an older man - i think as a reaction to being away from bf. how can i forget him and focus on my bf?
The Answer
Avoid the other man.
Crushes are natural and fine to have. It's even okay to enjoy a harmless crush, but if they become awkward or inappropriate the best thing to do is stay away from the person.
So, see and speak this other man as little as possible. If you work with him, ignore him on your breaks and avoid socializing with him. Keep whatever your contact with him is strictly professional.
Also, fill your time better. Spend time with platonic friends. Take up a hobby. Pick some good books to read and give your brain less quite time to dwell and fantasize about the crush.
In the end, as long as you don't 'do' anything and your relationship with your boy stays strong and healthy, don't beat yourself up about a crush. We all have them. It's only human. We just need to deal with them properly.
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The Question
17/F, During the dance, my ex boyfriend who dumped me last year kept staring at me and my date(my guy friend)from the beginning to the end. then, while my date and I were dancing, my ex walks next to us, and he was freaking and grinding hardcore with this girl. I think that he was trying to get my attention or make me jealous. When we were leaving, I noticed that my ex kept looking at me in the parking lot. do you think that he still has feelings for me?
The Answer
He still has feelings for you. Those feelings might just be anger and neediness, rather then affection...
He is also a creep.
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The Question
Okay, so when I was 8 I was raped and I kind of blocked it out of my head, but now I am very paranoid when someone touches me, especialy guys. I'm 15 and I've never done ANYTHING or had a boyfriend, because I have too many anxieties.
But one of my friends, who is a guy, he is the only one I have ever told about the rape, because he asked me why I don't do stuff with guys, and so I told him. He offered to do stuff with me, and I said okay, and now he is all worked up about it and giving me all this advice on how to turn him on when the time comes for us to do things.
I'm extremely nervous and I don't know why, because I am afraid it will be awkward since we were friends and stuff.
But I also think I should because he is the sweetest guy I know, and I really need to get over my fear, and he is probably going to be the most patient guy out there.
Soo... I really need tips on how to do things, like blow jobs, and fingering, and even making-out.
Should I be nervous?
Is it going to hurt?
Just tell me whatever you think I should know...
The Answer
Him being 'the sweetest guy you know' is NOT a good enough reason to fool around with him.
I promise you, your horny friend (and that is what he is) isn't going to be the most patient and supportive guy out there. (With all his ‘advice’ on turning him on, he doesn’t actually sound very ‘patient’ at all.) A male who loves you, respects you, and is dedicated to you, will be the most patient guy out there.
Friends with benefits is a fine idea in my opinion: For two adults who have a sexual history, emotional experience with sex, and a firm mutual understanding. NOT FOR TEENAGERS WHO ARE EXPERIEMENTING.
I know it must seem like everyone around you is doing this, but they aren't, and even if they were that doesn't mean that you have too. I know you want to ‘fix’ what is wrong with you, but this idea is probably only going to make it worse.
Please, wait and experiment with someone who loves you and is committed too you. Sex makes you incredibly emotionally vulnerable. It stirs up all kinds of new fears and anxieties. It’s important that your partner is truly there for you, through the whole thing. A friend with benefits isn’t doing that.
I really don't want you to add anymore stress and negative sexual experiences to your life, so please, tell this guy no and that you are waiting for a dedicated partner.
If you haven’t already: seek counseling to deal with the feelings you still experience due to the rape. I promise that that will be a far more effective way to deal with your anxieties then jumping into bed with a friend.
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The Question
my boyfriend told me i should see a cardiologist because i'm pail. Before he told me i always thought i might have something wrong with my heart but i dont know. What will they do if i choose to go see one, and can you give me some symtoms if there is any?
The Answer
Have you always been pale? Or is this something that happened very suddenly? (It is middle of winter in NA remember, it's a natural time to be pale.)
Check your lips, tongue and the palms of the hands. Unless they have gone abnormally pale, then you are just naturally pale, not sickly pale.
If you aren't eating eating well or drinking enough, anemia might be causing some paleness, but the truth is that most teenage girls are at least a little bit anemic and it can be solved by making sure you drink enough fluids and get enough portien and iron in your diet.
Don't worry about a cardiologist, see your family doctor for a normal check up. They will send you to a cardiologist if you need one, but if paleness is your only sympotom, you probably don't.
(Also, tell your boyfriend he aint a doctor.)
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The Question
Would you go out to a dinner and a movie with a girl (not a best friend) and pay for both if you were NOT interested in her?
(The guy in question is 19 yrs old. We've only hung out once before...we went out for breakfast, he paid for that too.)
The Answer
Unless it was your birthday or something... a girl would have be to a blasted idiot to think he was anything other then interested.
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The Question
i started talking to this guy online about 2 years ago. then i stopped and blocked him, because i didnt think it was right, and now im talking to him again. i just blocked him because i didnt think it was right for me to be lying to this guy, not because he was rude or anything like that. he thinks i'm older than i really am and i orginally sent him a picture of not me, but a different girl because i didnt think i would still be talking to him. so i feel bad and like its wrong that im talking to an older guy and lying to him about my age and appearance. and i know this must sound crazy, but he's seriously amazing, like i've never talked to anyone like him before. and yes i know that he could be a petophile, but i am careful and dont give out any personal info. he wants to talk on the phone but im not going to since i think he would be able to tell that i was younger than he thinks i am, plus i dont want him to keep calling me and dont want to give out my number. and we really dont cyber(online sex) like in a way we do but its not like the usual chat room talk you would think. so anyone please give me your advice/comments? i would like to know what you think. thanks
The Answer
I you don't want to talk to him on the phone, you are probably best to stop talking to him all togeather.
You have a choice to make: Either fess up and tell him the truth about your age or block and delete him permenantly and promise not to do this anymore.
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The Question
Alright, a bit more of an adult focused one, but I need some outside opinions.
So, my girlfriend is chronically ill. Not really sick, theres just always something wrong with her. She has migraines (she says, they dont seem to affect anything but her sex drive) she has body aches, she gets tired, she ________. Insert anything under the sun for the blank that doesnt require a doctor.
She used to have a sex drive that outstripped mine. Now, I'm lucky if we have sex once a week.
I don't know what to do about it. I used to be able to climb into bed with her, and seduce her. Now, she either ignores or rebuffs all the advances I make, and I only actually get to have sex when she is horny enough that she makes an advance. Basically, if she isnt in the mood, there is nothing I can do to get her that way. The only thing she wants constantly is non sexual physical affection, to the point that I feel used by her. I feel like a convenient toy that takes care of her needs whenever she has them, and the rest of the time she rolls over and pretty much ignores me.
Perhaps its selfish of me, but this is a big problem, on top of a bunch of other problems. Big enough that if it continues I am going to leave her over it.
I just need some outside perspectives. I can't handle being in a relationship with a girl who seems to have lost complete interest in sex. Its been going on for months, since last summer basically. She gets short bursts of horny for about 2 hours every few weeks, and the rest of the time I feel like we are married with kids and careers, when we are students with a decent amount of time on our hands.
The Answer
It’s a bit of an age old problem… or at least one we all expect not to run into until we get older!
Regardless, you probably know that cuddling is to her, what sex is to you. That’s a crude over-generalization I know, but a woman will generally find cuddling and affection to fulfill her desire for intimacy and a man will find sex fulfills the same desire for closeness and intimacy.
So, your feelings of being ‘used’ by her, are completely valid, but you have to understand that the idea of sex as an intimate emotional act, is totally against everything our culture has told her about male sexuality and might be as physically foreign to her as the idea of peeing standing up.
Intellectually, she might be aware of your feelings, but emotionally and physically she CAN’T feel it (combine that with the fact that she has likely been well educated in the art of saying ‘No’, as all young women should be). It’s hard to remember and respect things that you yourself can’t experience. I try to be respectful of men’s emotional needs, but I’ve been raised in the feminist model just like most reasonably educated women, and sometimes I need my partner to remind me, as clearly as possible, that his needs and desires are fulfilled in ways that are fundamentally different from mine.
And this IS an emotional need. If your body just needed sex, you could wank off three four times a day and you’d be happy as a clam, or you would have happily cheated. It’s an emotional desire from the relationship: a desire for intimacy. It’s not some Neanderthal-male-permahorniness talking. You don’t need to guilty or selfish. A desire for intimacy needs to be respected.
If both partners can’t have their emotional needs met, or at very least respected, the relationship will end, eventually.
I didn’t say the above to defend her or to suggest that you take it easy on her. If there is a genuine medical reason, or a physiological one (let’s face it, poor body image and stress, will flat out kill a woman’s sex drive every time) treed delicately over this issue and with respect to her feelings. The reason I said what I did was to point out to you that when you talk to her, because obviously you need to talk to her, you have to be CLEAR. So clear that it boarders on cruel.
You owe to yourself, and to her, to do everything in your power to make her understand where you are coming from. And if she is having a serious medical or physiological block, she owes it to herself, and to you, to do her best to deal with that.
Although the idea that “If this doesn’t change, I’m going to need to end the relationship.” seems like an unfair ultimatum, if it’s the truth, better to say it then to not. Better to be honest and clear. Nothing else is going to give her the opportunity and facts she needs to make a choice.
If she wants a cuddly, affectionate male who she can selectively castrate, she needs to get a dog. If she wants a romantic partner she needs to communicate clearly, be open to compromise and even be prepared to respectfully part ways if both individuals’ emotional needs can’t be met.
I sincerely hope that some of the “bunch of other problems” don’t also involve a failure to communicate. If they do, I don’t see much hope. To get past this you are both going to have to be very honest and very clear with one another and yourselves. Of course clear communication and ‘compromise’ might not get either of you exactly what you want. It could very likely lead to a break up, but it’s the only rational way to proceed.
(Oh! Final trick about talking about sex with a woman: Don’t do it in the bedroom, or anywhere else where you have had sex. Do NOT have this discussion naked, or in pjs or underwear. Not a good way to get an honest and clear conversation about sex happening in my experience. Seems to make most feel far too vulnerable and defensive to really listen to you or speak. Plan your approach in a non-sex related space. Pick neutral ground.)
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The Question
my best friend is dating this guy who is terrible to her. they have been off and on for years, but they always break up because he cheats on her all the time, sometimes with several girls at once and/or she is cheating on him. they would break up and my friend would say shes never getting back together with him and that hes a loser and she doesn't know what she sees in him, but a few days later they're back together. he hangs out with our group of friends all the time, he does drugs and drinks, he talks about how he's always in trouble, and every other word is the f word. none of us can stand him, and we tell my friend that she can do so much better [she couldn't possibly do worse], but she always defends him and gets mad at us. she has a history of dating guys like this, and the one time she did find a nice guy, she cheated on him. we really care about our friend and we want her to stop hurting herself like this, but what do we do to help?
The Answer
You can't stop her from making poor decisions. If you've been clear in your advice and preferences the next step is to make your own good decisions.
It is perfectly all right to refuse to hang around this guy. It is perfectly okay to have a 'girl’s night' or to extend an invitation to her, and not him. At school, you can't really do this very well, but outside of school you and your other friends should be clear "We don't enjoy his company or his behavior. It's okay if you do, but we don't want to spend our time around him. Of course we’d long to hang out with you, when you are free."
This isn't about forcing her too choose between her friends and her boyfriend, so don't ever suggest that to her. This is about saying what you can't tolerate in your life. This is about setting a basic standard for the people you choose to spend your free time with. It's something she needs to learn to do as well.
You can't always be friends with your friend’s partner. You should always try to be civil, but do not go out of your way to include someone who falls beneath the basic standard of civil and respectful behavior.
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The Question
Me and my boyfriend, has been dating on and off for about a year. And we did'nt become a couple officially until last thursday. So that would make it a week ago. And lately everything has just started to get so wierd. Sure, we're looking for our own place, I see him alot more, and stuff like that. But he just seem so lost. I mean, he hardly kiss me anymore, and that feeling I used to get whenever I saw him is gone, and when we go to bed he just falls down and just fall asleep, no goodnight kiss, no cuddling, no nothing. He don't even sleep under the same blanket as me. Same when we wake up, he just gets up, and go to work, not even a goodbye kiss. I's like I have to ask for it, to get it. I mean, I know it could be me just being paranoid, but I don't think so. He's just not been the person I fell in love with. And I know he has much going on, with work, and he misses his one year old daughter, and stuff like that. But that should'nt change things, should it? Not long ago he was declaring his love for me, and how he never EVER wanna loose me. And I just don't know what to do. I could try talking to him, but he's not good at all at talking. So any other ideas? I could really use some help on this one. If anyone knows what this could be, and how to deal with it. Thank you very much!
XOXO, Veronica.
The Answer
You became an offical couple last week and you are now looking for you own place?
I don't care how long you've been on and off hun, if you are only now 'on' for a week, that is wierd and bound to make things feel 'wierd'.
Get out of his bed, and off the housing market until the two of you can happily pass at least six months in the 'on' position.
If he has been inconsitant in his affections for the last year, it would be insane to believe that he was suddenly going to become constant and reliably 'in love' now that you are magically an offical couple.
So either talk to him about this, even if he sucks at it, or take a huge step back from rushing into a happy home with this guy. You have very good reasons to suspect your 'happy home' might not have a long life span.
There are hunderds of little things that this could be, but the big thing that it certain is is two people who are not ready to move in togeather.
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