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I can't live without sex
Alright, a bit more of an adult focused one, but I need some outside opinions.
So, my girlfriend is chronically ill. Not really sick, theres just always something wrong with her. She has migraines (she says, they dont seem to affect anything but her sex drive) she has body aches, she gets tired, she ________. Insert anything under the sun for the blank that doesnt require a doctor.
She used to have a sex drive that outstripped mine. Now, I'm lucky if we have sex once a week.
I don't know what to do about it. I used to be able to climb into bed with her, and seduce her. Now, she either ignores or rebuffs all the advances I make, and I only actually get to have sex when she is horny enough that she makes an advance. Basically, if she isnt in the mood, there is nothing I can do to get her that way. The only thing she wants constantly is non sexual physical affection, to the point that I feel used by her. I feel like a convenient toy that takes care of her needs whenever she has them, and the rest of the time she rolls over and pretty much ignores me.
Perhaps its selfish of me, but this is a big problem, on top of a bunch of other problems. Big enough that if it continues I am going to leave her over it.
I just need some outside perspectives. I can't handle being in a relationship with a girl who seems to have lost complete interest in sex. Its been going on for months, since last summer basically. She gets short bursts of horny for about 2 hours every few weeks, and the rest of the time I feel like we are married with kids and careers, when we are students with a decent amount of time on our hands.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
It’s a bit of an age old problem… or at least one we all expect not to run into until we get older!
Regardless, you probably know that cuddling is to her, what sex is to you. That’s a crude over-generalization I know, but a woman will generally find cuddling and affection to fulfill her desire for intimacy and a man will find sex fulfills the same desire for closeness and intimacy.
So, your feelings of being ‘used’ by her, are completely valid, but you have to understand that the idea of sex as an intimate emotional act, is totally against everything our culture has told her about male sexuality and might be as physically foreign to her as the idea of peeing standing up.
Intellectually, she might be aware of your feelings, but emotionally and physically she CAN’T feel it (combine that with the fact that she has likely been well educated in the art of saying ‘No’, as all young women should be). It’s hard to remember and respect things that you yourself can’t experience. I try to be respectful of men’s emotional needs, but I’ve been raised in the feminist model just like most reasonably educated women, and sometimes I need my partner to remind me, as clearly as possible, that his needs and desires are fulfilled in ways that are fundamentally different from mine.
And this IS an emotional need. If your body just needed sex, you could wank off three four times a day and you’d be happy as a clam, or you would have happily cheated. It’s an emotional desire from the relationship: a desire for intimacy. It’s not some Neanderthal-male-permahorniness talking. You don’t need to guilty or selfish. A desire for intimacy needs to be respected.
If both partners can’t have their emotional needs met, or at very least respected, the relationship will end, eventually.
I didn’t say the above to defend her or to suggest that you take it easy on her. If there is a genuine medical reason, or a physiological one (let’s face it, poor body image and stress, will flat out kill a woman’s sex drive every time) treed delicately over this issue and with respect to her feelings. The reason I said what I did was to point out to you that when you talk to her, because obviously you need to talk to her, you have to be CLEAR. So clear that it boarders on cruel.
You owe to yourself, and to her, to do everything in your power to make her understand where you are coming from. And if she is having a serious medical or physiological block, she owes it to herself, and to you, to do her best to deal with that.
Although the idea that “If this doesn’t change, I’m going to need to end the relationship.” seems like an unfair ultimatum, if it’s the truth, better to say it then to not. Better to be honest and clear. Nothing else is going to give her the opportunity and facts she needs to make a choice.
If she wants a cuddly, affectionate male who she can selectively castrate, she needs to get a dog. If she wants a romantic partner she needs to communicate clearly, be open to compromise and even be prepared to respectfully part ways if both individuals’ emotional needs can’t be met.
I sincerely hope that some of the “bunch of other problems” don’t also involve a failure to communicate. If they do, I don’t see much hope. To get past this you are both going to have to be very honest and very clear with one another and yourselves. Of course clear communication and ‘compromise’ might not get either of you exactly what you want. It could very likely lead to a break up, but it’s the only rational way to proceed.
(Oh! Final trick about talking about sex with a woman: Don’t do it in the bedroom, or anywhere else where you have had sex. Do NOT have this discussion naked, or in pjs or underwear. Not a good way to get an honest and clear conversation about sex happening in my experience. Seems to make most feel far too vulnerable and defensive to really listen to you or speak. Plan your approach in a non-sex related space. Pick neutral ground.)
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To be honest, it is a little selfish but I understand completely, I mean, you have needs too! The best thing you can do would be to sit her down and talk to her about it. Tell her how you feel and how it's affecting the relationship, but make sure to tell her that you care about her too or else you'll sound self absorbed. She'll understand and things will definitely get better!
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alright, i understand your problem i wouldnt like no sex either haha. well first off she isnt always sick she is just making excuses, you need to sit and talk to her not like fuck you im done were not sexual more like .. babe look.. it may not be a big deal to you and it may be nice being able to get it whenever your in the mood but its a 2 way street, not only you can make the decision you used to be wicked into me what are you not now? sex is a common thing in relationships everyone has it everyone does it til usually their wicked old and cant move anymore she needs to see that she needs to stop thinking she is sick cause its all in her head. she could easily get her sexstrive back if she thought she had one she just dont think , i think you just need to take action and say something if she freaks out ignore it and walk away and she understands then hopefully it gets fixed. hope i could help!
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I think maybe she should see an actual dotor because these symptoms sound very serious. She might have signs of depression but I can't be sure. Have her go to the doctor just to get a normal checkup. If for soem reason the tests turn out to be that she is fine then maybe the best thing is to break up with her. You can't stay with a person who doesn't want what you want. You are not being selfish when you want more intimacy. You should look for a woman who wants exactly what you want. Sounds to me that she is starting to be less like your type.
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i can understand your frustration. its understandable to be sick of feeling pushed aside unless SHE wants it.
i dont know if you have tried this..but here are some tips.
-do something special. maybe romantic like a candlelit dinner, laying out under the stars, take her to dinner, make her a card, buy her something nice for no reason like some perfume or something you know she would like, go out for a picnic even if sounds cheesey. when its you and her in bed, massage her, cuddle with her, maybe take a relaxing shower together*this might do the trick for getting her in the mood* , make her a coupon book that includes things like - one free back rub, one free cuddle, one free session of oral on her could be added in there :) lol
do you try to seduce her every night? im not sure so if you do, maybe lay off that. she would definitely notice and maybe she would make the move on you. if she asks you about why you arent trying to seduce her, just tell her that you dont want to pressure her if shes not interested. try this for a week straight of not seducing her, see if she notices.
there isnt much more you can do besdies being a little more romantic and hopefully getting her in the mood , or another tactic like laying off for a week. you expressed yourself very well here, perhaps if these suggestions dont work talk to her about it like you told us.
if a few weeks go by and nothing changes, maybe leacving her is the better option. seriously. because you both have different needs, and if you cant get her to come around after communicating, laying off for a week, being romantic, then there isnt really anything left to do. hopefully some sparks will happen after you try these suggestiond, but if not maybe breaking up is the best choice, i certainly hope if doesnt come to that though. feel free to inbox me!
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there is a disorder in which women loose that drive. I didn't have that but it physically hurt me for a while and it killed me that I couldn't do it because I felt bad for not pleasing my boyfriend. Maybe your girlfriend feels that way too...or maybe she doesn't but you should explain to her that you have needs and that you are not blaming her. I don't think she wants you to feel that you are being used and you guys just need to have a conversation and try to make a compromise. Maybe she would be willing to give you oral instead.
Some girls also don't understand that guys do really need it because it litteraly hurts. Some girls just think it is pleasure for them when it is not. I think you can agree with me on that one. Girls do not need it... we do not hurt. I think you should explain that to her and that not being able to express your love through that is making you feel bad.
In the mean time spend time with your hand...lol.
Good luck
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