about

You see that man in that picture? That is me. I'm metal as all holy heck and I will give you answers so metal, you'll grow a beard. Even if you're a teenage girl.

So throw a question my way? "I like this guy and this guy, what do I do?" PICK THE ONE WHO LIKES METAL! "I've been feeling depressed lately, what should I do?" LISTEN TO SOME METAL! "I need help with my pre-calc homework." THE ANSWER IS METAL!

I can handle it all, I will not shy away from any question. May the metal be with you!

advice

I'm fat, and I really need to lose until I'm about 104. How can I do that? Like give me as much tips that you have! Thank you!

It's actually really easy to lose a lot of weight HEALTHILY if you follow some basic guidelines.

1. Cut out oils. They are empty calories and 100% fat. You can cook lots of yummy things without oil.

2. Cut out refined sugars. If you're gonna use someone to sweeten something, use something natural, like maple syrup (but not a lot).

3. Cut down the animal products. We weren't meant to eat it every day in large numbers. Aim for vegetables, especially starchy ones like potatoes. Also, dark leafy greens, and get vegetables of all colors. Carbohydrates are your friend as long as they're natural, and not from bread, fries, ect.

4. Eat three to five meals a day. Breakfast is important as all hell. Oatmeal, hash browns, anything like that. That jump starts your metabolism like crazy. If your body is expecting to be fueled constantly throughout the day, it burns the fuel more. If you eat once a day, it hangs onto it.

5. Exercise. Cardio, some weight resistance, anything to keep your body active. When you do the weight resistance, you tear your muscles a little bit, and your body works around the clock to repair and build them (I said light because I assume you don't want to me muscly) but it burns calories 24/7.

6. WATER WATER WATER WATER.

[view]

Hi, so currently I am pretty sure I gained weight. Shorts that were huge on me now fit me perfectly and I feel like some of my pants are tight for me now. Does anybody know how I could possibly loose weight fast, like in 2 weeks or so?

Eating right and exercising. Cut out oils and sugars from your diet and limit your meat intake, and eat a variety of vegetables of all colors.

[view]

If you have sex on a Saturday and you get your period on a Tuesday does that mean you're not pregnant ?

I would keep track of your next one in case.

[view]

ok so i have this guy i like and i want to tell him i like him and i want it to be me to tell him not anyone else and once somone else told him and i said it was just a rumor but i still want to tell him and i have already told the girl who is dating him i like him and she is my best friend so she hasnt told anyone and she isnt mad and i also want help the guy i like is saying i am using blank (his girlfriend) as a decoy untill somone prettyer comes what should i do about all of this!?

I don't really understand what's going on, but it sounds like you're trying to steal someone's boyfriend and that's bad. You shouldn't do it.

[view]

When I was first married, I worked at a group home with other adult staff there, day shifts, night shifts, etc. After the residents would go to bed, the remaining staff would clean up the house and get things ready for the next day. One particularly rough evening, the residents went to bed late and the other staff (female) and I were finishing up with the chores and I said since I was the one staying for night, I was going to lie down and chill for a bit, she could go and I would do the rest later. We talked for a few minutes, and she asked if I wanted a massage...Obviously that should have been the first red flag. I said sure and laid down on my stomach and she rubbed my neck and back...She asked me if I wanted my legs done and I said sure, whatever. I have had many massages from professional masseuses and thought nothing of it. I sort of fell asleep / drowsed off and when I came to she told me to roll on my back and then she started giving me a blow job. As soon as I realized what was going on, I said, I cant do this, I'm married and I just cant. I stood up and started to walk away, then I didn't. The absurdity of it all, me standing there fully erect with a woman I barely knew, and she was willing to go to town on me, was too surreal, even for a lifetime movie, or perhaps a skinemax late night flick. She kneeled in front of me and started to position herself to go down on me, and I again said look I cant do this. But, I didn't stop her from doing it, I figured she would pull away, but she didn't, and I just froze. To this day, I cant believe I stood there like a statue...I finished in her mouth quicker than I ever have in my life, and then she left, just like nothing had happened. She would later tell me that she had a dream that her and I were going to have sex at work one night, and she was ready to make it happen. Afterwards, I showered, laid on the couch and felt like I was raped. I am the one at fault here, and I get it. I am not or have not ever cheated on anyone I ever dated, and this moment of indiscretion has haunted me forever. I told my wife about the incident a few years later, and it crushed her. She has since forgiven me, but I have never forgiven myself. I don't really know what the question is here for this forum, but I guess I need some advice on getting over this and trying to get on with my life. My wife and I have 4 great kids, and a great family, but every time someone says something about what a great husband I am, I just throw up a little bit in my mouth and think I have been living a lie for so long that I just feel as if anyone knew what I had done, I wouldn't get all of this attention for being who I am not. Thanks in advance. D

I'm going to start with this: "It's tricky but my opinion is this wouldn't be considered rape at all. Rape is when one person is benefiting from sex that is non consensual with the other person. With women raped, it's clearly them being overpowered and forced, with a man who is stronger and able to ward off such a thing unless being forced with a deadly weapon or a rape drug, thats another story and would be rape."

That is a bunch of crap. Not the whole part about women, because that is true. They do get overpowered, and that is just the say truth, but to say that this ISN'T rape is just wrong.

This lady is basically telling you "you were asking for it." That is a load of crap. I would absolutely love a massage after a long day of work, and would never think that it was going to lead into a blowjob. Your mind got jumbled, you didn't know what to do. You clearly said you didn't want this to happen, but stopped out of fear or whatever was going through your mind.

Maybe you should look into a therapist or something, if you're not willing to talk to your wife about it. I mean, she probably wouldn't be very happy you were getting a massage from another woman, but at the end of the day, you didn't cheat, you were sexually violated.

[view]

Hey , I'm 18 years old ,male, i live in NY , and my parents are divorced.Recently i went to live with my dad who i didn't see for 11 years.i fucking hate him , he is being all bossy on me , he is a old fuck head who has diabetes and a lot of diseases.I wanna move out to Texas to live with my girlfriend.i got a job , its a internship program , but i wont make enough money , like $370 2 weeks.i don't know what to do , i cant go back to my mother due to unusual circumstances.I'm thinking about killing my dad to be honest , maybe by poisoning him or stabbing him and hiding the body or i don't know , i need to plan it out .
:(

First of all, I want you to reflect on your last sentence. I want you to think long and hard about it. I don't want you to concentrate too long on the fact that you're thinking about killing your father, you're young and young people can be rash about things.

No, I want you to realize what you just did. You just posted on the internet, that you are thinking about killing your father. A place right out in the open, where anyone can see it, and you're not that hard to trace, especially when you display your email. Not to mention you could get the owner of this site involved too.

Then, after you've thought long and hard about how stupid you are for typing that out, you can come back to Advicenators and we can actually help you with the mundane task of finding a second job and working your ass off to save up some money to move to Texas.

[view]

so i dumped this guy and now he is calling me stupid telling people i am dating these ugly guys and calling me gay in the bad way but i wish he meant happy i don't even like him anymore so i need you help on what to do any advice would be nice thanks! i love typing lol but also please help!

I would ask him how you're gay if you're dating ugly guys. Then,as he tries (and fails) to find an answer that makes sense, kinda ask him to stop being a child. If he doesn't, then I guess ignore him and feel good that you got away from that relationship.

[view]

so I started a new school and became really close to this guy we later found out we both like each other but I feel like I have to do all the work, organising dates etc... we are now boyfriend and girlfriend and it was going really well but we have only been together for about 3 weeks. the other day we went for dinner and a movie and in the cinema he started touching my leg and gradually stroking up towards my core. we have had a few dirty conversations about what we want to do to each other so I didn't find it weird. I ended up touching his cock and trying to get him off but the movie finished so we decided to go to a park which I found really creepy and it was cold. so I tried to give him a handjob but it was difficult and we were running out of time as our parents were wondering where we were. I offered to suck him and he laid down and came in my mouth a few minutes later which I loved cause he tasted really good. he walked me to my bus stop and we kissed goodbye. since then at school he's been a little distant and weird and not wanting to show any PDA even hugging. has he gone off me?

Sounds like you're both young, and young people don't always handle sexual experiences the best. It'll most likely pass. Don't worry about it. If he seems distant for too long, talk to him.

[view]

So, I am a teenaged girl and today, after jumping rope, I noticed that I wet myself, just that I'm not sure how. I did have to go to the bathroom, but only to take a shit and it wasn't even that much, like I could hold it in, but after feeling my shorts all wet I went to the bathroom to check and my underwear was wet as well. But I really don't recall peeing in my pants. If I did pee in my pants, I would've noticed, wouldn't I? So that's why I came up with another conclusion; I could've possibly "wet" myself by getting aroused. But I don't recall having any sexual thoughts while jumping rope, I was just concentrated on jumping. So, if somebody could possibly answer and tell me what happened, that would be splendid. Because I really am confused about if I just peed in my pants (which would be really bad because I'm a teenager) or if I was just aroused... somehow. Is there a possibility that you "wet" yourself without even noticing the same way guys do in their sleep? Somebody, please help me!!

It's possible. Or you could be a little....how should I put this, leaky. My girlfriend has to wear a pad all the time because little spurts of, something, come out.

If you're worried talk to your gilry doctor, but you most likely have nothing wrong.

[view]

Hi there! My boyfriend said he needed some time alone and I agreed to do the same. After that,I saw him online on WhatsApp at 1 in the night. We both have this mutual friend who is like a sister to him. She wanted us to date but then weirded out when he told her he likes me. She said it's weird that her best friends date and she would distance herself from us. Inspite of this we are dating... And I saw both of them online even at 4 in the morning. When he saw that I was online too... He sent me a message saying sorry he couldn't talk to me... He was frustrated and thought it would be shown on me. I felt really really bad that he said he wanted time alone and still was online which meant he's talking to that mutual friend. I was pissed off too and said next time he'll communicate better when he's low. He told me he's not used to talking about issues. But then my question was if he wants to be left alone...why was he online and talking to his so called sister.I am mad at him.. Though I'm talking to him.. It's still Bothering me...am I overreacting here?

Yes, I would say so. It seems he knew he was upset in general (not at you) but would bring it out on you if he talked. Sounds like he was being very smart in an upset state of mind if you ask me. You have to realize, you are his girlfriend, but sometimes when he's down, he needs an old close friend for an ear. It's nothing against you. My girlfriend does similar things. She doesn't talk about her issues well with me, but she does her best male friends. That's just how they are.

I would say stop being mad at him, and give him the time he needs. It wont be long, and pestering him will make him made at you in the end.

PS, if you have more questions and would like to end the back and forth on Advicenators, I'd be more than happy to continue over email, or some other communication app.

[view]

I'm 15/f and let me clarify this is not my first this. I've actually kissed quite a few guys over the course of a few years. This will be my first kiss with this new guy though and we both like each other. We've cuddled at this one party and people said we kissed but we both couldn't remember since we were drunk. We have hung out a couple times and we are going out to lunch tomorrow and i think he might kiss me.. What can I do not to be nervous??

Think about how nice the kiss is going to be. You obviously both like each other, you've kissed other guys, it should be no big deal.

Once it's over you'll probably be making out like the little 15 year olds you are and you'll read this question and laugh.

[view]

I'm 15/f and I have applied to several jobs and I finally got a call back from one but I was out at the movies so I need to call them back. I'm nervous about having a job interview as my anxiety is crazy and I get frequent panic attacks.. I need some tips please

Dress like you want the job. Look professional, but don't overdo it.

Eye contact. I've interviewed people before. They didn't get the job cause they couldn't look at me.

Bottle of water. Need a second to answer? Take a quick sip.

Keep your hands on your thighs. You're gonna be nervous, you're gonna sweat. When the whole thing is over, you're going to shake hands. Perfect opportunity to wipe that sweat off.

Don't ramble. Answer the questions. I'm assuming you don't have any experience at your age, and movie threatres don't expect you to either. Just answer their questions quickly and truthfully.

And finally, when you get that job, I want an update!

[view]

ok,so i got my first lip piercing about two weeks ago. than,got two more took two out cause they were crooked. i,found another piercer and he did my kinda of like snake bites piercing. he,says they are straight but I'm I'm obsessing now about this cause i can't tell if they are even or if it just swelling. he,swears they are straight but ya this is my first full day of having them so any advice on the topic??

Well, I would need pictures to even start to help, but a professional piercer is a better source than Advicenators on the subject. Go to another piercer and ask them.

[view]

My boy friend and I were having a normal conversation. He stopped replying! We didn't even have an argument. I later asked him how his day was... No response and after a while. I asked him if he's studying.. He said no... I asked him if he's okay.. Like have an argument or since we are in a long distance relationship.. If it was that!
He said he's feeling a little blue so I asked him if he would like some time alone! He said yes.. If I don't mind!
Am I to be worried? He is shy and a loner of sorts!

Everything is fine my dear! I have those days when I'm just in a funk and want to be alone. It's called being human. You'll be fine, I promise!

[view]

I've been with a girl for about 6 months and she has a daughter that's almost 2. She works a lot of overtime of provide for her (she's very low income), and has pointed out that the baby daddy never wanted her and didn't do anything to help support her when they were together. She left the baby daddy shortly after her daughter was born when she lived in his state and moved back here. He has not visited his daughter since or paid barely any child support. According to her, he has never even had a job, but has an associates degree. She says she is trying to sue him for child support. Is it wrong that she still is friends with him on Facebook then? She even responds and laughs at some posts he puts up to be funny. He asks how they are doing once a week through there but doesn't make any efforts to do anything else. He doesn't call or visit. She told me he wouldn't sign over his parental rights since he wants to leave it open to come back into their life since "part of him still loves" my girlfriend. I'm having a hard time accepting how she wants to have any relationship with him, despite him not visiting or providing support. Is she just going easy on him or is this a bigger red flag? Do I have to accept how friendly they are, even though he's not there for them?

Well, you put yourself into a tough situation by dating a girl with a kid to begin with. That situation, the father. He will ALWAYS be part of that kid's life, and you're either going to have to accept it, or find a new girlfriend.

[view]

Hey , um I'm 18 years old , next year im supposed to be in college and i don't know which major ill be in , When i 5 i started using computers and i loved computers.As i grew up , i became a Graphic designer through home experience (Photoshop,Maya,max,flash 8,unity3D), its my passion.Where i from , only 4 or 3 private(VERY EXPENSIVE!) universities offer computer graphics major.When i turned 14 i began to like computer science and coding , though I'm not good at it as much as computer graphics.A lot of colleges here offer Computer science , i like it and all but its pretty difficult plus i never tried programming before.So what should i go for Computer science or computer graphics ?? Thank you

You should go for whichever you think you'll be happier doing. Remember, this might be what you do for the rest of your life.

[view]

So I'm a twelve year old girl and I'm literally in love with Neil Patrick Harris. It's so wrong because he's 41, gay, married, and has two children but I just can't help it. He makes me happy and even though I may never meet him I still love him. Help me get rid of these feelings!

Okay, how about I tell you that you're infatuated with him, not really in love.


There, problem solved.

[view]

I swear I see God when I have sex with my current partner - he's the first man to ever make me cum. The problem is he doesn't seem to get off....ever. We've been together twice, the sex has gone on for hours and still no climax for him. I have suggested we bring another woman in (hoping that would help) he says he doesn't care either way, Im not really inclined to force the issue and I don't want to pressure him about it but I feel like maybe I don't please him....what should I do?

Personally, I like some foreplay before going into sex. I think it makes it more intimate, gets me more, ready, and should get you going too.

If not, the other people are right. My girlfriend and I got this nifty little thing called a Jizmo, (I know, lame ass name) but it's a vibrating cock ring. The nice thing about it is, it's very stretchy and comfortable, not restricting like most are. Basically, it has two modes, vibrator on top is for you, on bottom is for him. They're cheap as hell and work great, look into it.

Also, light-bondage can be fun. Nothing painful, blindfolds and handcuffs. Put the blindfold on him, and surprise him. Don't let him know what's coming. Maybe it'll spice things up.

[view]

So my boy friend is in Europe and we are in a long distance relationship. He makes time to talk to me everyday inspire of his hectic schedule.we Skype once a week.its been around a month since we started dating.he doesnt talk much over the phone but he keeps the conversation going over texts. He dirty talks over the phone(texts) and he hardly talks over the phone. He did talk to me for 4 hours once... That's a different story.am I over thinking this?
He's a pretty shy guy who keeps to himself. I am not sure how I can make him talk to me more often.

Give him time. It's only been a month. Some people are just shy. He'll open up eventually :D.

[view]

I m using cindom but I m getting pregnet how it is





















Since condoms aren't 100% effective, you probably should stop having sex since you cannot seem to read the box before you have sex.

[view]

<<< Previous Advice Column
Next Advice Column >>>
humorist-workshop
eXTReMe Tracker