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Accidental infidelity
When I was first married, I worked at a group home with other adult staff there, day shifts, night shifts, etc. After the residents would go to bed, the remaining staff would clean up the house and get things ready for the next day. One particularly rough evening, the residents went to bed late and the other staff (female) and I were finishing up with the chores and I said since I was the one staying for night, I was going to lie down and chill for a bit, she could go and I would do the rest later. We talked for a few minutes, and she asked if I wanted a massage...Obviously that should have been the first red flag. I said sure and laid down on my stomach and she rubbed my neck and back...She asked me if I wanted my legs done and I said sure, whatever. I have had many massages from professional masseuses and thought nothing of it. I sort of fell asleep / drowsed off and when I came to she told me to roll on my back and then she started giving me a blow job. As soon as I realized what was going on, I said, I cant do this, I'm married and I just cant. I stood up and started to walk away, then I didn't. The absurdity of it all, me standing there fully erect with a woman I barely knew, and she was willing to go to town on me, was too surreal, even for a lifetime movie, or perhaps a skinemax late night flick. She kneeled in front of me and started to position herself to go down on me, and I again said look I cant do this. But, I didn't stop her from doing it, I figured she would pull away, but she didn't, and I just froze. To this day, I cant believe I stood there like a statue...I finished in her mouth quicker than I ever have in my life, and then she left, just like nothing had happened. She would later tell me that she had a dream that her and I were going to have sex at work one night, and she was ready to make it happen. Afterwards, I showered, laid on the couch and felt like I was raped. I am the one at fault here, and I get it. I am not or have not ever cheated on anyone I ever dated, and this moment of indiscretion has haunted me forever. I told my wife about the incident a few years later, and it crushed her. She has since forgiven me, but I have never forgiven myself. I don't really know what the question is here for this forum, but I guess I need some advice on getting over this and trying to get on with my life. My wife and I have 4 great kids, and a great family, but every time someone says something about what a great husband I am, I just throw up a little bit in my mouth and think I have been living a lie for so long that I just feel as if anyone knew what I had done, I wouldn't get all of this attention for being who I am not. Thanks in advance. D
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I'm going to start with this: "It's tricky but my opinion is this wouldn't be considered rape at all. Rape is when one person is benefiting from sex that is non consensual with the other person. With women raped, it's clearly them being overpowered and forced, with a man who is stronger and able to ward off such a thing unless being forced with a deadly weapon or a rape drug, thats another story and would be rape."
That is a bunch of crap. Not the whole part about women, because that is true. They do get overpowered, and that is just the say truth, but to say that this ISN'T rape is just wrong.
This lady is basically telling you "you were asking for it." That is a load of crap. I would absolutely love a massage after a long day of work, and would never think that it was going to lead into a blowjob. Your mind got jumbled, you didn't know what to do. You clearly said you didn't want this to happen, but stopped out of fear or whatever was going through your mind.
Maybe you should look into a therapist or something, if you're not willing to talk to your wife about it. I mean, she probably wouldn't be very happy you were getting a massage from another woman, but at the end of the day, you didn't cheat, you were sexually violated.
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It's tricky but my opinion is this wouldn't be considered rape at all. Rape is when one person is benefiting from sex that is non consensual with the other person. With women raped, it's clearly them being overpowered and forced, with a man who is stronger and able to ward off such a thing unless being forced with a deadly weapon or a rape drug, thats another story and would be rape.
As you said, she put out the feelers to see if you were willing, knowing you to be married, by asking if you would like a massage. You accepted, which to her was the first sign that you might welcome this. the second time you gave indication she read that you were willing was when you got up to walk away and then stopped. At any given moment, you had plenty opportunity to escape and didn't. The reason why you didn't is because I believe your mind was in shock! It was so unexpected, that your mind was in shock and unable to think normally. I believe you are a loyal good husband and if you had not been in shock, you would have been able to walk away from it. If you can believe that too, you should be able to forgive yourself. You were a bit naive and gullible too, but now you know better so something like this won't ever have the chance of blind siding you again like that. Now you are prepared. Enjoy life and the lesson you learned.
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You aren't at fault. What she did was sexual assault (or rape) by the very legal definition. You said no. She didn't stop.
She took advantage of you and sexually assaulted you. She deliberately made sure you were in an impaired state, and she ignored you when you said no. It doesn't matter that you didn't beat her to a pulp to make her stop, it doesn't matter that you orgasmed (you might look up how many female rape victims orgasm - it can happen even for women during rape. That doesn't make it 'not rape'.) You may have made errors, but what she did was 100% wrong. Fucking evil, is what she did.
Frankly, I wish you'd reported it. How can be certain she didn't take advantage of her patients as well?
Get some therapy. You probably are a great husband. This crazy woman probably abused other men - just like you - who couldn't come to grips with how little they are too blame just because they are men, who didn't force her to stop.
You may have well made mistakes. You may well need to find a way to forgive yourself for the mistakes you feel you made. However, you were also assaulted by a criminal monster of a woman. You'll find more peace if you can talk through both of those things with a pro.
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