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Hi Everyone!!

My name is Brenda, and I'm 34 years young. I've been happily married (to the most amazing man) for three years, and we have three children. My daughter is nine years old (my husband has adopted her), my stepdaughter is eight, and my stepson is six. I am currently a full time college student taking Business Administration specializing in Human Resource Management. I am also a volunteer with the Sexual Assault Victim Support Program with our Regional Health Authority.

My hope with this advice column is that I will be able to help people. I've been through alot in my life, and I decided that if I can help people in similar situations, then that could also help me heal, and move on. I won't go into great detail on here, but my motto has definitely become "what doesn't kill us, will only make us stronger".

I was raped when I was 16, and then continually by an abusive boyfriend when I was 19-20. He was an alcoholic and abusive sexually, physically, and emotionally. He unsuccessfully (thank God) tried to kill me.

I've been cheated on...been the cheater, I've gone through addiction, as well as losing my dad. I have clinical depression. I was a single mom for five years before I met my husband. I became extremely obese, and five years ago weighed close to 400 pounds. In January of 2000 I underwent gastric bypass surgery and have maintained a 200+ pound weight loss. I went through my childhood and adolescense being ridiculed for my appearance. I really want to help people with obesity issues.

Currently, my most stressing issues seem to be dealing with my husbands despicable ex-wife. It's hard to deal with someone whom you have absolutely no respect for as a parent, or as a person for that matter. I have many concerns about making a blended family work, so that everyone is happy.

PHEW!!!

Well....I hope I will have many visitors to my column and can help each and every one of you! Chances are..whatever it is you're going through, I've probably been there. I hope to talk to you soon.

Brenda


Website: Help Me, Brenda!
E-mail: helpmebrenda@inbox.com
Gender: Female
Location: Manitoba, Canada
Occupation: student
Age: 34
Member Since: April 9, 2006
Answers: 193
Last Update: October 5, 2006
Visitors: 21103

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i have a mole in my pubic area and i want to get it removed but i dont know what to tell my mom does it really mattter if i get it removed? (link)
Hi

If it doesn't bother you at all, then I wouldn't worry about it.

I would have your doctor check it to see if there are any abnormalities with it. Moles can be easily removed if neccessary.

If your underwear rub it, and it's annoying, then by all means say goodbye to it.

Just tell your mom that you have a bothersome mole, and you would like your doctor to remove it. She should understand that. You could also bring it up to your doctor, and have him/her tell your mom that they would like to remove it.

Good luck, and take care,

Brenda


i have horrible sunburn. i tried aloe, dermoplast, & noxima. i have basketball in a few hours & i can barely lift my arms up. i slept basically nothing & i don't know what to do. i took two showers & i tried ice & everythingggg. if my shirt even touches it, it's really painful so i'm not quite sure how i'm even going to run. does anyone have any other ideas??

thanks!! (link)
Hi

OUCH!! I know how bad sunburns hurt. One thing you could try is taking a bath with oatmeal. Oatmeal is very soothing, and always helps me. Other than that you just need to keep aloe on it, and give it time to heal.

I would skip basketball for now. If you can't wear a shirt without hurting, how would you wear a bra?

It's times like these that we are reminded to always use sunscreen.

Good luck, and I hope you feel better soon.

Brenda


ok like a day ago i told you about this one guy, that i told i liked him, and all he said was "okay" and went offline. So i told one of my other friends that goes to his school and hangs out with him alot what he said... and he said i figured... i was like y? he was like because he always sais oookay whenever some tells him something weird. Now i feel like a complete idiot. i tried talking to him normaly after, and he was responding normally, but he never starts the conversation, and he only answers my questions, he never asks ma any. Everyone also sais he has a BIG crush on this other girl.. so basically he doesnt like me.. and now i feel like crap... any suggestions on what he mite think or things to make me get over him. (althoug i really dont want to get over him) (link)
Hi

I'm sorry things didn't quite work out the way you wanted. Life is full of these little lessons. What seems to be major heartbreak will only make you stronger...trust me on that.

If you know he has a big crush on another girl, then what he is feeling right now is awkward. He doesn't want to hurt your feelings, but at the same time he doesn't want to lead you on.

Most guys will make an awkward situation worse, by acting wierd and ignoring the situation instead of talking about it, and then moving on.

Please don't feel like an idiot...you are far from an idiot. You took a chance, and unfortunately it didn't work out this time. Whatever you do, don't let this experience jade you from expressing yourself again. You just need to find the right guy.

As for getting over him...even though you don't want to, you need to. If you continue to brood over something that is not going to happen you will just wind up miserable. Time will help with healing a broken heart, it always does.

If you want, you could "break the ice" so to speak and bring up the situation yourself to him. You could put humour into it, to ease the tension. It may help put the situation behind you. Do it online if you're too nervous to do it face to face.

You may need to kiss many frogs, before you find your prince.....God knows I did!

Keep your chin up, keep being true to yourself, and your prince will come along before you know it.

Take care sweetie,

Brenda


My dad said I could get my nose pierced; instead of my belly button.
-How much does it cost?
-What does it feel like?
-Addition Information,.
Thank you. (link)
Hi

I got my nose pierced three years ago, and have never regretted it.

It cost me approximately $40.00. I went to a tattoo and body piercing business.

This is how they did mine:

#1 - they sterilize the area
#2 - they put a numbing solution on my nose
#3 - they stick a cork up your nose (to catch the needle)
#4 - they stick a needle through your nose, then they put the nose stud in.
#5 - then they cleanse the area again

As far as pain...I found getting my ears pierced much more painful. My nose didn't hurt at all. My eyes did water though...which is common.

Go for it!!!

Brenda


my lips are swollen from being so chapped.. i try chap stick and it doesnt seem to make it better. what can i do? (link)
Hi

I swear by blistex. It's the best product for dry, sore, cracked, and damaged lips. Keep it on your lips at all times, until they are healed up.

Take care,

Brenda


I think im going phyco.I spend about half my day by myself because my family is always working or over a friends house.I ahng with friends yes but i want to see my family and it doesnt happen.they have to work and i understand that but we do nothing as a family.I feal terrible because i have asked for a diffrent family.is that bad.they dont abuse me they just leave to go to worik or friends and im sick of being alone ive started talking to myself and it scares me cause i talk in the sence of there 2 more people there with me.im not aloud to have friends over when im by myself so yeah ive tryed but it sux i even pretend that my best friend is there wat do i do to get my family closer or to spend more time with me.....

katie (link)
Hi Katie

Wow...it's not very often you hear a teen who says she wishes she could spend MORE time with her family. I think it's great!!

First of you are NOT going psycho...you are lonely. That's only natural if you're left alone all the time. People talk to themselves all the time. I do it regularly....my daughter will be like.."mom, who are you talking to?", and I just say "to myself". It's totally normal, so don't think you're crazy.

Now, I think you need to sit down with your parents, or even just your mom, and tell her how you feel. If you don't say anything, then nothing will change. They are probably completely unaware that you are feeling this way. They will likely be grateful to hear that you want to be around them more.

You could suggest that one night a week you could all do something as a family. Play games, go mini golfing, go shopping, anything that would bring you all together.

Maybe you could also try to come to an agreement that you would be allowed to have ONE friend over when your parent's aren't home. I'm not sure how old you are, but if you can prove to your parent's that you are responsible enough to have a friend over, then that could ease your loneliness when your parents have to be at work.

Just make sure to talk to them. Communication is the key...without it, they will never know how you feel.

Good luck, and take care,

Brenda


ok i never really talk this guy i really like and i just met him at a party and we slow danced but he slowdanced with 4 other girlz.i didnt know what 2 say so my friend told me 2 say "do you like any1?" and he said "i dunno u?" and i said "i dunno do you like any1 a little bit" and he said "o ya this girl at my skool" so i said "o ya, 2 tell you the truth i like you a little bit" and he was like "okay" and then i didnt say anything after that and he went oflline. i was SOOO EMBARESSED!!! wut should i do 2 make him think im not totally weird and desperate.. if you were a guy would you think im weird?? anyways i just need sum help, thx (link)
Hi

The first thing I want to say is "YOU GO GIRL!!" Good for you for telling him that you like him. Most girls will either keep their mouths shut, and then the guy will never know, or they get friends to do it for them. You took the initiative and went for it....that's called girl power!

Now, I understand that you are embarrased. The fact that he went offline promptly after you told him could mean a couple of things.

#1 - you totally caught him off guard and he didn't know what to say (which is not neccessarily a bad thing).

#2 - when you didn't say anything to him after you initially told him, he got embarrased (which also isn't neccessarily a bad thing).

#3 - there of course is the chance that your feelings aren't returned, and he didn't know how to tell you.

My guess is that it's one of the first two. Guys aren't used to girls who "make the first move" so to speak. Since the beginning of time it's always been the guy who does that. Well times are a changing, and you proved that!

I don't think you're wierd at all. I think your confident, courageous, and you know what you want. Those are all very good qualities to have. I can tell you one thing....if this guy doesn't snatch you up, someone is waiting in the wings for you.

Just continue to be yourself, make light of the situation if it's really awkward around him. Humour always makes sticky situations better. Keep your head up, and know that you are very worthy of getting a great guy!!

Take care,

Brenda


Brenda!
I feel hopeless, I'm 15 female,
and I dont have a boyfriend.
I dont feel that I need one, and I know its bad to be in a relationship when you think you NEED a boyfriend you know?

But everyone says to wait, and eventually I'll find one, but alot of girls my age are in relationships, and I just dont understand why I'm not yet, I mean I'm confident in myself, I'm happy with who I am.

I'm not desperate, I'm just a little confused, why all the popular people get into meaningless relationships, and I havent had a boyfriend ever in my life yet.


Blahh what can you make of that?


thankss
(link)
Hi

I can soooo relate to you my dear! I didn't have my first boyfriend till I was 17. All my friends had boyfriends, and I always felt like the third wheel.

You said yourself that popular people get into meaningless relationships, and end up being miserable. You wouldn't want that anyway.

It's excellent that you are confident in yourself, and you're happy with who you are. Alot of teens can't say the same thing.

The right guy is going to come along (sooner rather than later), and he is going to notice how confident you are, and he's going to want to know you. Confidence is such a HUGE boost to one's character....a major turn on.

Don't ever change who you are to try and land a guy, just for the sake of getting one...it will backfire on you.

Have you ever heard the saying "it's better to be alone for the right reasons, than be together with someone for the wrong reasons"? It's so true..always remember it.

Let the popular girls weed out all the losers, and rejects...that way the good ones will be ready for you.

Take care, and keep being your great self!

Brenda


Me and my fiance have been together now for 5 years. We use to be able to finish each others sentences and know what each other wanted before either of us said anything. Now we have 7 children in the house and no time to spend with each other. Our sex life has decreased dramatically and we can't even hold a conversation without getting mad at each other, so we don't even talk. I love him unconditionally and he is the love of my life. What can I do to get us back on track and get that fire burning again. (link)
Hi

Wow...seven kids huh? That's a lot of work and a lot of distraction. I can see why you and your fiance don't have a lot of time to spend, just the two of you.

I'll give you a few ideas that my husband and I do to keep our romance alive amiss the hustle and bustle of day to day life.

We always make sure we MAKE time to spend together. We will go out for supper, or go to a movie, or even just go out for a couple of drinks.

Now I realize that this can get costly if you have to get a babysitter for your children...but you could always call upon family or friends, or maybe you have a child old enough to babysit their siblings. The way we look at it, is we really can't afford NOT to have our regular night out.

Another thing we do that we enjoy (which you may not), is have a secret online affair (with each other of course). It keeps things steamy, sexy, and fun....and can lead to some hot nights in the bedroom!!

You could rent movies and have a night after the kids go to bed. At our house, the kids are always in bed by 9:30 at the latest, and that gives us a few hours to be alone before we hit the sack.

It sounds to me that you and your fiance have a great foundation to your relationship, which will prove to win out in the end.

With all this being said, the most important thing to keep your romance alive and that fire burning is to make sure you put your relationship at the top of your priority list (children being at the very top).

You will find that your communication with each other will improve dramatically if you get to know each other again, and let each other know that they are important and you want nothing more than to spend the rest of your lives together.

Good luck, and take care,

Brenda


Okay, so I'm pretty much a hardcore soccer player. I play it often. But my mom is always thinking she knows so much about it, and I tell you she doesn't.

She yells at me for stupid mistakes, for everything that goes wrong in our house, and finds ways to call me a loser, loner, and that I suck at stuff, without actually saying it. She's called me a bitch so many times I couldn't count. But my real question is, is what she doing really abuse?

People have told me it was, but I just don't know anymore. She did physically abuse me ages 7-10, maybe that's why I'm not sure or not. And I've been depressed, at least I think a lot. She's making me want to quit soccer from all the camps and stress. And many of my close soccer friends are scared of that because I'm that one girl on the team who puts on a good additude, never gives up, gives it her all, knows what she needs to fix, and would miss what is important to her just to play. And I also go outside and practice often. And I just can't play well anymore and starting not to love it.

so is it abuse?

any help or advice would be amazing. (link)
Hi

Abuse comes in many different ways, and I would say that you are definitely being emotionally abused by your mother.

You didn't mention how old you are, but is there a guidance counsellor at your school that you could talk to about this? If not, how about a teacher, or your family doctor. Maybe even another adult family member that you trust.

Sounds to me that your mother is jading your experience with soccer which is so sad, because I can tell that you love it. Don't stop playing...it's a way that you can enjoy yourself and be around friends...an outlet to what you are going through at home.

You need to involve an adult in your situation. Just fighting with your mother will get you nowhere, and you deserve to be treated better.

I wish you luck, and try not to give your mom the satisfaction of taking away the one thing that matters to you....soccer.

Brenda


Sorry if this is in the wrong category... it seemed to be the best fit.

Anyway, for the past few days my left eye has been really itchy. I don't wear contacts or anything like that. It feels like there is an eye lash that fell into my eye... it's that exact same feeling, but there is nothing in it. The feeling is not there 24/7 either... it probably feels that way every 4 hours or so, and I can't stop rubbing it when it happens which makes it itch and bother me even more!

What's wrong, and how can I fix it? Any ideas? Thanks so much in advance! :) (link)
Hi

It could be as simple as allergies. Try taking a reactine and see if that helps. There are also eye drops for allergies that you could try.

Good luck,

Brenda


It seems as if all my kids have their problems anymore. It's hard as a Mother to hold things together sometimes.

I am not quite sure how to deal with my Son's gf who has bipolar disorder. (they are 21 & 22) It's like walking on egg shells when I am around her. I do like her, it's not that, but she can be so mean sometimes. Her angry comments are hurtful, to our entire family, including my son. They really don't get along that well, but there is nothing I can do about it, I know that. He has to deal with staying or leaving because he owns that situation, not me. However in order to maintain a relationship with my son, I feel like I have to accept her. However, because of her treating myself and my other children badly. I am really confused. She is not on medication because she can't afford it and her own Mother kicked her out. We are really all she has right now.

Any suggestions? (link)
Hi

You've received some great advice so far, but I want to add something.

You mentioned that you walk on egg shells around her, likely because you don't want to set her off. You don't need to do that. Just because someone has a mental disorder, it doesn't give them the right to treat people badly. I mean, her own mother kicked her out...that's gotta tell you something.

You sound like a very caring mother, and you need to put your family before your son's girlfriend. There's gotta be someway for her to get medication, but even with meds, her behaviour could still be offensive.

Make it known that although you do empathize with her situation, you will not tolerate bad/offensive behaviour from her.

Good luck, and just remember...it's not your responsibility to take care of her...she is an adult....and she's not your child.

Brenda



I have really chubby cheeks and that like where all my fat is in my fat; no double chins fat forehead just chubby cheeks any way to get ride of the weight in my checks..I know to drink a ton of water helps. Thanks

WILL RATE (link)
Hi

I want to first off apologize for the previous advice....I'm not sure what makes that person think she/he is being helpful.

Anyway, my sister has that same face shape, and unfortunately no amount of water or exercise is going to change that.

I know you're probably thinking that your cheeks were cute as a baby and young child, but now that you are growing up they aren't so cute anymore.

In time you will learn to accept the way you look, and know that chubby cheeks or not, you're beautiful.

Take care,

Brenda


I read a resonse that you did about waxing and you said you own your own sugaring business. Okay, I use Nad's no heat hair removal. It doesn't really work that well, so what's the best way for me to get the best results? (link)
Hi

It's probably not the answer you want to hear, but the best way to get great results is to have it done professionally.

I do it for a living, and I have trouble doing it to myself. Depending on where on your body you want the hair gone, it can be very awkward.

I have tried many different products, including NAD's and none of them work the way they promise too. My clients feel the same way.

It's impossible to get rid of every last hair with waxing or body sugaring, but the most successful way to get as much gone as you can is to have it done by a trained professional.

Good luck, and if you have someone where you live that does body sugaring versus waxing, I would highly recommend it.

Brenda


is it true that if you wax all the time that eventually your hair will stop growing? (link)
Hi

I own my own body sugaring business (which is similar to waxing only 100% natural, so it's much better for your skin.)

The answer to your question is...possibly. I have seen many clients who come faithfully, without shaving (very important) inbetween visits, who have been able to slow down the growth of hair.

Now, everyone is different, and it's never a guarantee, but sugaring or waxing is known to thin out your hair and slow the growth down. Some people, depending on the hair type can never get it to stop growing fast, but others have been successful.

Good luck,

Brenda



if you give a bi guy head can you get dieses i think he cumed in my mouth and i think he has anal with guys.
so yeah
haha thanks (link)
Hi

It doesn't matter if you're straight, bisexual, or homosexual....you can get diseases all the same. Sex is sex....oral sex is oral sex, and anal sex is anal sex....doesn't matter who your partner is...if they are infected then there's a good chance you could be too.

Always be careful and practice safe sex.

Take care,

Brenda


So the whole day today, I kept getting bit by mosquitoes!!..they itch like CRAZY. But the crazy thing is...each bump is like QUARTER SIZE. I'm not even kidding/exagerrating. It's SO big..I have like a total of maybe 6 all over my upper body. Is this normal?! ..I've never had bites this big ever!..Please help. :) (link)
Hi

Some people have a horrendous reaction to mosquitoes, others do not.

My brother has always welted up when he gets bitten, as does my step son.

There's a product called "Afterbite" that is sold that you dab onto bites (from any insect) that immediately relieves the symptoms, and in most cases stops it from swelling up.

If a product like that doesn't work, then you may want to check with your doctor.

Take care,

Brenda


alright you guys i need answers fast and i need good ones. theres this guy nate who i met about 5 months ago and after about 2 months we started liking each other and we made out a couple times. now, tomorrow he wants to hang out and he plans on taking it to the next level. im 15. everyone i know is telling me to wait and lecturing me so please dont. the thing is, is i want this to be really special and i dont want him to just think of me as just antoher girl (im a virgin and hes not) and i know that im getting really strong feelings for him and the thing is is like i dont know how he feels about me and hes not the type of person to come out and say it and it would be akward if i asked. today i was trying to talk about it and i was like if i said i didnt want to what would you do and hes like well id try to sweet talk you into it but then id just give up and i mean thats how he is and it was funny but i dunno im really stressed. what do i do? (link)
Hi

You need to do what feels comfortable and natural. If something doesn't feel right, chances are it's because it's not.

I have just one question for you. Why do you want to lose your virginity to someone whom you aren't even sure how he feels about you?

Losing your virginity is a BIG thing, and you want to be able to look back on it and not be like "what the hell was I thinking?"

Just remember to think of yourself first, and don't let anyone talk you into something you're not ready or sure about.

Take care,

Brenda


im not really sure if i am depressed so ill just tell you how i feel and you can tell me if you think im depressed.

how i feel and have been acting:
empty
alone
scared
havent been eating a lot lately
have been getting headaches and stomachaches
havent been hanging out with my friends lately
i like to sit in my room with the lights out
i have trouble sleeping lately
i dont really like to talk anymore
get annoyed at little things
a little bit dizzy sometimes
sad
dont like to talk on the phone anymore
dont really like going places
anxious over stupid things sometimes

please help thanks

one more thing i use to have thoughts bout suicide but now its like i dont care about anything and dont feel anything. (link)
Hi

I have clinical depression, and have had it since I was in the eight grade...I'm now 34.

Symptoms of depression are both emotional, and physical. Alot of people don't understand how depression can hurt you physically, but trust me it does.

The fact that you are asking this question is a good thing....you know you need help.

It's time to involve doctors/psychologists/counsellors. They will be able to help you work through this dark time. You may be put on medication that can really help bring you back to life so to speak.

Depression is a chemical imbalance of the brain, and can treated successfully with the right medication.

Good luck, and know that with help, life will get better.

Brenda


Dear Brenda,

Me and my bf has been trough a lot ....just to
be toghether
I had a big fight with his parents...(I post it on advicenators)..The problem was only with his parents..so we had his brothers and sisters coming to visit us almost everyday and that is fine but now it is getting to much ..we don't have privacy in our home and it is costing us to much money to have 4 extra people in house using electricity ,food and water .I have to cook for 6 people almost everyday ....and this cost money!!!!!!!

Last week the brother of my bf desided to stay for about 4 days and my bf did't ask for my permision..the thing is we have our computer in the bedroom ..he stayed on the computer
(with the radio on)till 6 o clock in the morning 3 nights in a row..The fourth day I told my bf that this is gettin to much ...we are only students and we can't afford to be spending so much money and that I couldn't sleep for 3 days long because of the noice..He told me that he was sorry but he did't know that his brother was gone stay for so long

I don't know what he told his brother but....
he got all mad and stuff ..the worst is he came last night and did't say hi to me and today he wrote ..."I don't need your house anymore to chat...thank God I have my own house to chat till the time I want"....on his msn

I really tryed to stay in peace with them because I don't want my bf to get in a fight with his brother for my sake ..BUT THIS IS GETTING TO MUCH!!!!!
How can he has the nerve to write something like that..after all I did for them

The worst is I'm feeling very sad...and anger ..

I wrote back to him telling him he is a ungratefull dog....I was very mad

Did I do wrong ......what should I do next??

(link)
Hi

I have one word for someone like your boyfriends brother....it's call FREELOADER.

Freeloaders don't give a flying crap about what the people their taking advantage of think. All they care about is that they are getting a free ride.

I don't think you did anything wrong...in fact I would have done much more. I would have kicked his butt and the others to the curb, or start charging them rent. This world is far from free to live in, and everyone should be supporting themselves.

If the whole situation is causing major problems between you and your boyfriend, then it's time for him to step up to the plate and do something about it. Your hard earned money should be going towards you, and your contributions toward the household, not to supporting his family.

If it was me, I'd be glad the freeloader wasn't talking to me...that would keep him out of my house.

Stay strong, and stand your ground!!!

Brenda




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