Member Since: May 2, 2009
Answers: 54
Last Update: May 29, 2014
Visitors: 3906
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Well thanks for the very kind words. It is really flattering. In case you haven’t already noticed, my self esteem is shot to hell right now. It is good to hear that there are at least a few things I’m doing right. Ever since this all happened, I thought that I was just screwing up. I mean I know that I didn’t make the big mistake, but I still was pretty hard on myself. My insecurities have been haunting me constantly. I have been getting better day by day, and I know that I need to keep making myself happy. I need to get to a better place and hopefully this will also help win her back. At least I will feel great about myself and have the confidence I will need to move on if it doesn’t work. As far as the arguing, I grew up in a household where all my parents did was fight. They would have shouting matches to see who could yell the loudest. It didn't really bother me that much and it wasn’t really a dysfunctional family. Just a lot of yelling. I knew that it wasn't normal though, so I vowed to myself to never do that. I am a very laid back person, and I don't really let a lot of things bother me. I'm a lover not a fighter, always have been. I also do not hold grudges or harvest resentment. I have always tried so hard to be the perfect man, and I know I’m not, but I think I've come pretty close. So that is one of the reasons I've been so confused through all of this. The perfectionist in me says I can be even better, but another part asks if it is ever gonna be enough. I know that no one man can satisfy ever single emotional need that a woman has. It's impossible. But the woman has to realize that and make a choice to either except the man for who he is, or move on. And in my case, I don't think my wife will ever have it better. I really hope she comes around. As for your husband, I actually completely understand where he is coming from. I am a lot like him in that regard. I would also be very hard on myself t if I couldn’t take care of my responsibilities. I’m sure part of him feels that he is letting down the people that love and care about him. If I was in the same boat I think I might feel the same way. Now one thing I wouldn’t do though is take it out on you. That doesn’t fix anything, it only makes matters worse. I commend you for sticking with it for as long as you have, and I think that it speaks volumes about a person who could do that. I also know that it is way too much to ask of someone to do that for the rest of their life. I know that if my marriage doesn’t progress at all, I will not stick around. After all, life is short, and that is no way to live. A lot of people have been telling me that lately, and I am actually starting to believe it. I guess there is only one person you HAVE to live with. I know that I will be happier if my wife gives her heart to me again, but I am also starting to realize that if she doesn’t, it won’t be the end of the world. (link)
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You have actually left me speachless! I whole heartedly agree with every word that you said. Life really is too short to just sit around and wait for someone to come around. I love your personality, and the fact that you are able hold decent conversation, don't find that much in men these days. I tell that you are the type of guy that you can tell anything to, sort of like a best friend. That's good. Your wife really needs to straighten up and fly right because if she doesn't she will loose out on a really good man, and I am sure some other woman will be more than glad to fill her place. You sound like my ideal man. Where were you when I was looking for MR. RIGHT? Lol.
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I hope you don’t mind me constantly emailing you. I hope you aren’t getting sick of me. My wife was gone last week and is also gone for this week so I am constantly on here. You do give very good advice. Sometimes I feel like I should be paying you 300 dollars an hour. LOL. Anyways, pretty much everything you said you want in a guy is not unreasonable. I actually am that guy. I have ALWAYS told her that I love her. I guess maybe I didn’t show it as much lately, but she was always well aware of how I felt about her. I do not have any trouble expressing my emotions. I always greeted her with hugs, and asked her how her day was. I never ignored her, or acted like I didn’t care. I also am her best friend. She has even recently told me that I still am. I always cuddle with her at night, and I think I can hold my own in the bedroom. I definitely know that she is satisfied with our sex life. We do usually only have sex when I want it though, but that’s because she is always afraid to initiate. She has told me recently that she has wanted it but never made the move. Maybe fear of rejection or something. And as far as the bills, that’s not an issue with us. We both make about the same amount of money, and we have only a joint account. We pay all the bills with both our paychecks, as we don’t have any bills that our just mine or hers. I would come home from work and bring her chocolate. I always cook, even more than her. I would help out around the house on occasion, and always email her at work to tell her I love her. I never stopped doing any of those things, and am even doing more now. Like I said I always thought I was a great husband. I have always treated her like a queen. This is why I have always been such a great man in her friends’ eyes. I never yelled at her, and always respected her feelings. Our arguments always consisted of one of us getting upset and just becoming quiet. We would spend a little bit of time in separate rooms, and be fine again a couple hours later. I honestly can count our arguments in 7 years on 2 hands. I think the big factor with her falling out of love with me was our daughter. You see I am not the very best guy when it comes to kids. If we’re at a party with a lot of kids, I’m not the guy playing the monster chasing them all over, or crawling on the ground pretending to get beat up. I just get uncomfortable around kids that aren’t mine. I’m the guy that if you hand me a baby, I get very uncomfortable. Now I’m not like that with my daughter, but I still am not very active in her life. I wouldn’t say “hey lets go to the park,” and spend the day with her by myself. I never really took the initiative to give her baths or change her diapers. I did those things, but only after my wife would ask me to. I think this is the # 1 REASON she started to get frustrated with me. She wanted me to be the guy that would dance with all the kids at a picnic or play guitar for my daughter’s class. It’s just not who I am. And since my wife is the opposite in that regard she saw that in the other guy. I can try to change that but I think that is one thing I won’t be able to fix. Hopefully she can accept that in me. This is the one thing I would change about myself if I could, but I still think that I have a lot to offer. I think I am better than most of the men out there. I respect women very much, and always put them before myself. I know that I am better than this other guy. I did try to convince my wife of that, but she wasn’t listening to that. Well thanks for the intimacy advice. I will definitely do those things. She came home today to see Aubrey before she went to pick a friend up from the airport and she gave me a hug. I was shocked. So I still think there is hope. I just have to become more desirable to her. I will keep doing what I know how, and try some of the things I don’t. So how about you? How are things going with you? Have you figured out what you are going to do yet? (link)
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No I am not getting tired of your emails, I actually look forward to receiving them, and yes I will take that $300 an hour. LOL. You seem to be one of the "perfect men" left in the world. I don't see why your wife is upset, becuase if I had a husband like you I can asure you, you would not want to leave home at home, when you go to work, your main focus would be to hurry up to get home to me. Most women would die to have a man like you. I can understand your wife wanting you to play a more active role in your childs life, but in the life of the other kids that aren't yours, that would have to be your decision. I admire the fact that both you and your wife know how to control your temper and avoid tempered arguments. My house is the total opposite. As for my relatinship, I really want to make it work. I don't want to give up on him, because I know deep down he really is a good guy, but when he is stressed out financially he tends to take it out on me and I can't deal with that. I really wish that he can find a steady job where he can meet his financial obligations and cut me some slack. I want him to be a more affectionate person as well, he is trying a little harder than he was a few years ago, but still not as much as I would like him to be. He says that when he is stressed out, he doesn't want to be affectionate or be around me to make me unhappy. He told me that when he is not able to take care of his responsibilites and be the man he needs to be then he feels like less than a man. But i'm taking it one day at a time. I'll see what happens.
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You know you are a very intelligent woman. I read your response a few times because you said a few things in there that really made a lot of sense. I did love the fact that she was dependent on me, and I now realize that maybe this is why I never seen this coming. I’ve told you before that I had no idea that things were going bad. I thought we had a perfect marriage. Well maybe it’s because she was so dependent on me, that I could do no wrong. She was never going to leave me, or cheat on me, or anything like that. She needed me, therefore would put up with all of my shit. I didn’t do this on purpose, maybe subconsciously I felt this way. But it makes perfect sense. And like your husband, I have also become dependent on my wife. Do you think that this is a quality that my wife doesn’t like? You said that you didn’t like that your husband was dependent on you. Do you think if I became more independent it would help win her back? And if so, how do I do that? She told me that she doesn’t want to rush into sex right now, which will be very hard for me considering how sexually attracted to her I am right now. But should I initiate any form of intimacy (Holding hands, hugging, cuddling) or should I just back off and wait for her to come to me. This is a very tough question because I feel that intimacy is very important and could also help those feelings come back. I mean if we were just starting off as a new couple I would be doing those things, and the whole point is to go back and start over. To become the man I once was. So I don’t know what the right play is. And what are some other things that I should be doing now that we are both trying to make it work? (link)
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I cannot say whether or not your wife prefers for you to not be dependent upon her, but I know for a fact that most women want a man who can carry his own weight and then some of hers. But if you know for a fact that you have become dependent upon her, then maybe you should make an effort to become a more independant person. Take the initiative to pay the household bills, certain bills that she pays, every now and again when you have some extra money, volunteer to pay or at least contribute to some of her bills. Sometimes we as women say things that we really don't mean, but we expect our men to be able tell the difference whether we mean it or not. I say this to say this, your wife said that she doesn't want to rush into sex, what she is saying to you is not that she doesn't want to have sex with you. Although she said she doesn't want to rush she may be wanting to have sex with you the very minute she said that, but expects for you to be able to know when she means it or when she is just kidding. For example, with me, sometimes my husband will touch me flirtingly, and I would tell him to stop or "not tonight", when deep down I am saying don't stop, keep going. So women give mixed signals, but you need to observe her body language and see what her body is telling you and ignore what her mouth is saying, that is how you will know for sure what she really wants. You asked should you just back off and wait for her to come to you, the answer is "HELL TO THE NO". She asked for more from her relationship, give her more. I am not telling you to crowd her, all I am saying is for you to show her that you care and love her, do things like kiss her on her neck while she is in the kitchen cooking or while she is taking a nap rub her back or give her gentle kisses on her back or even a nice soft massage. While she is doing the laundry, sneak up behind her and give a passionate kiss. Things like this is what will earn you the privelage of making love to your wife again, and the quicker you get into the game of showing her your affection, the quicker you will be getting some action. If you know what i mean. When she comes home from work, meet her at the door and embrace her with a big hug and say "honey I love you, how was your day" or something of that sort. And for God's sake do not ask the woman how was her day and not be interested in hearing the answer. LOL. Remember, women talk three times as much as men do, so we have alot to say. Let me give you my idea of a perfect man and maybe this will help you. My perfect man is a man who starts the morning off by waking up in the morning and greeting me with a kiss and telling me that he loves me. A man that has a job and pays his bills and some of my bills. A man that calls me at least once a day just to say he loves me or was thinking about me. He doesn't have to call, he can send a text, I think that is more romantic. It will bring a smile to her face especially when it is unexpected. I don't like to be bothered to much when i am at work, so if you call me too often i will become irate. A man who takes me out to lunch at least twice per week, to dinner at least once per month. I can appreciate a man who cleans up after himself and not expect me to do all the work. I love attention, so I am miserable when I don't get it. I love a man who knows how to give a woman the attention she deserves. A man who knows how to perform in bed and doesn't have sex only when he wants it and forgets about the needs of his partner. A man who is willing to go to church with me on Sunday's. A man who likes to have fun, and for me the most important thing I want is a man who is like my best friend, who i can share any and everything with without him getting upset. When I go to bed at night he embraces me with a hug and says he love me. A man who is willing to put in quality time and willing to take me out for a romantic evening at least once or twice per month. A man who is not afraid to express his feelings and emotions with me. This ismy idea of a perfect man. Deep down you may be asking yorself, she wants all this, what am i going to get in return. I can guarantee you, if you treat your woman like a queen, she will inturn treat you like a king. Hope this helps.
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Well a lot has happened in the last couple of days. My wife moved back into the house on Friday. We talked a lot and she finally told me yesterday that she is ready to give it a shot. Through the talk I learned a lot about her, and also a lot about myself. One thing I realized is the type of person that I am and what makes me tick. Ever since we’ve been together we have always needed each other. Not financially, but emotionally. She needed me to be there to protect her and keep her safe. She needed me to show her love and affection, and I also needed her. I said once before that I do not want to be alone; that I need to be in a relationship. We were dependent on each other for a lot of things. Well now that she has been out on her own a little bit and got to experience what it would be like to be a single mom, she discovered that she could do it on her own. She realized that she didn’t “need” a man in her life. She has now become much more independent than she ever was. It’s a very good thing for her, and I am happy that she was able to achieve that, but it makes me feel like shit. You see I need to be needed. It’s just the type of person that I am. It makes me feel good about myself. If my wife doesn’t need me, then what am I here for? What is my purpose? I just recently discovered this about myself, and it all makes perfect sense now. The reason that I was pressuring her into showing me love and affection was all because I wanted to feel needed. This is one thing about me that I will never be able to change. So now I have a lot of work to do. I have to make her fall back in love with me. I haven’t the slightest clue how I’m going to do it, but I am going to try my hardest. The biggest factor is going to be her attitude. Just like you said, it takes both people to get through this. I hope her head is in the game. One thing I told her is enough of the B.S. I am going to stop talking about it, stop nagging, and pressuring, her. I am going to try my hardest to become the man she fell in love with. I am also very sorry to hear about your situation. It is very unfortunate that he isn’t trying to make it work. He must be a stubborn person. Maybe if you actually left, he would try to change to get you back. I guess who am I to talk. I’m in the same boat as you. Hopefully my wife will put her heart into it, and have some faith and believe we will get through this. I also hope that your husband will snap out of whatever funk he is in. Best of luck to you and I’m sure I will talk to you soon. (link)
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My husband also feels the need to be needed. I am a very independent woman, and I alway have been since the day we met. He liked this when he met me, but soon realized that I was not dependant upon him for anything, and he totally hated this. I love my ability to be able to provide for myself and not have to depend on a man for evrything. It's not that I don't want my husband to buy stuff for me or to lavish me, but when a woman has to depend on a man for everything, he feels that he develops this attitude that he is in control and therefore the woman has to put up with any shit he dishes at her because she needs him, because of her dependancy. If you know what I mean. Lately, I am finding that my husband is becoming dependant on me, and I am totally hating it, i find myself having to pay all the bills in the house, and now i feel like hay, if i gatta do everthing in this house, why the hell do I have him? Another reason why I am thinking of leaving. My husband really does have good intentions, when he works he doesn't mind taking care of his repsonsibilties, but lately he is not working much. I know the economy is bad now, but I don't see the determination in him to go out there and make it happen. Anyway, enough about my situation. Your wife, I think is making tremendous progress, just a little more time and effort from both parties and things will be better than they were before. I know it is going to be tough for you knowing that your wife is not as dependent upon you as was before, but this is all apart of a mans ego, you will get over it in time. When your wife decides to give herself to you completely and you find that things are going just the way you want it to, you will totally forget about her independ nature. But I think that as time goes by you will actually appreciate her being an independent person, it may be hard to deal with the attitude, but I think you can handle it. It will be a small issue when you look at what you are going through now. Good luck.
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I guess what I had thought before wasn't the main reason for her having a hard time making a decision. I had originally that it was because she felt like she missed out on a big part of her life, and was regretting growing up to fast. This is part of the reason maybe, but it’s not the underlining cause. We had a couple of good long talks, and she really opened up to me, and told me exactly how she was feeling and what she was going through. Even though she knew some of the things would be painful, she was honest with me. She loves me, but isn’t “in love” with me. I know that is so cliché. And through a lot of research online, I completely understand. All of the things that I have done wrong are having an effect on her feelings. Things like, me not doing the dishes, and not wanting to go to the park, and other things of that nature started to add up. The bad qualities that she was seeing in me started to out way the good ones. She fell out love with me. Mister perfect comes along, and of course she sees all the things in him that she didn’t see in me, therefore, causing her to fall in love with him. I know you know all this stuff already, since you’ve been there. So every time she sees me, or thinks about me, the bad qualities are on the surface and that has been causing her to doubt our relationship. She never believed that we could recover from this. She grew up in a household where her parents were going through this exact situation, and they were miserable. They still are. They have been together for 20 something years and her father isn’t in love with her mother. He has only stayed out of obligation, and because it was easier. My wife doesn’t want that to happen to us. And since she doesn’t think it can ever get better, would rather throw in the towel. I told her that I understand what she means, and I haven’t been pressuring her to make a decision. I have been giving her the space to figure out what she wants. She hasn’t said it’s over, but before she comes back she wants to be 100% sure that it’s what she wants. One thing I realize is that I have to start replacing the bad qualities with good ones. I told her that every time she thinks about me, instead of wishing I would do this or should have done that, to think about something you loved about me. I know if she comes back, I will have to put in the work to make her fall back in love with me. I realize it won’t happen overnight. At least I will know this going in, so I’m not constantly telling her to show me love and affection. I will make the changes necessary, and try to be the man she first fell in love with. This will be difficult because I don’t know how I differ from that man. I don’t feel different. She just has to believe that we can get through it. She has to have faith. I do believe people can fall back in love. If I can achieve this, I know we will be ok, maybe even better than before. What about you? Did you ever fall out of love with your husband, and if so, did you fall back in love? Or are you trying to fall back in love, but it’s just not there yet? (link)
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I completely understand what your wife is saying, cause I too said the exact same thing to my husband, and I still feel that way. I love him, but i am not in love with him. I keep telling myself that things will get back to the way they once were. I think I too, like her parents, stay out of obligation. Exactly the way your wife is feeling, exactly the way I felt and still feeling, but at least in your case, she should be able to see that you are trying very hard to make a change to better your marriage, in my case my husband is not trying to make a change. He wants me to accept him the way he is. I keep telling myself that I should leave because deep down I know that he is not the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. He has changed drastically and I hate the change he has made. He tells me that I made him become the person he has become. I am so tired of all the arguments with him that I have developed a don't care attitude towards him, and I started to see the other guy again. He gives me no drama! He treats me much better than my husband does. Although I know that there is no future there because he is married, I still prefer to spend my time with him than with my husband. I am thinking about getting a divorce. I still haven't decided what I am going to do yet, but he drives me crazy. I am really glad that your wife has opened up and let you know how she feels, at least this should ease your mind a little. She is coming around and i really do think that she loves you. When your wife does come back, and she will, you had better make damn sure that you do what it takes to keep heer happy because once she feel abandoned and neglected again, i can assure you that there will be no changing her mind next time. She will feel like she gave you every opportunity to make it right and you failed her. As for me, I am not going to continue to feel neglected by my husband, what he doesn't do, there is always someone out there who will gladly do it. In a prior email I told you how I ended the affair and tried to make things right with my husband, but I can only do so much. It takes two willing individuals to make it work. Good luck and I wish you well.
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I absolutely understand and believe everything that you said. I get why she is having a hard time committing because she doesn’t know yet if she wants to go out and experience some different things. I do truly madly deeply love my wife, but if she says that is over and she goes out and hooks up with other men, then I will never be able to look at her the same. I have been with other “girls” before we met, and she had also dated a few guys. We both only had one serious relationship before, but I was the first person she every slept with. She was my third. The fact that I was her first gives me a weird sense of satisfaction. Not to sound hollow, but I love that she has only given herself to me. I don’t feel like I conquered something, it just makes me feel special. I hope that makes sense. If she does go out and sleep with anyone, even if it’s just one guy, that I will feel that bond will be gone between us. I know that it’s just me being a guy, but I think you even said once that there’s something about us men that we hate thinking about another man with our girl. If she leaves me, then I will not wait at all. She hasn’t left me yet. She told me that she just needs time to think about what she wants. She needs space. She told me that she wasn’t saying it was over yet. But from the impression I am getting, is she wants it to be over. One of the first things I asked her yesterday was, “How are you doing.” And she actually said “surprisingly ok” That’s not a good sign. Here I am miserable without her, and she almost already moved on and accepted we were through. Your right when you said she will no doubt come running back one day when she realizes that what she missing out on isn’t all that great. But I have been trying to prevent that from ever happening. If she leaves, then I will also move on. I will not wait. I don’t want to be a last resort. And it sucks because I know you are right when you say that no matter what I or anyone else tells her, she is going to do it because she is stubborn. I wish someone she trusts and believes will tell her that what’s out there isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I believe that 99.9% of the men out there are assholes, and she will no doubt meet and date them. She has really only ever been with me, so she doesn’t know this. She thinks that the men out there are like the ones seen in movies. If someone would just tell her that she is making a mistake, and losing something amazing and that she most likely will never find again. But No! The only advice she is getting is support and people telling her no matter what happens they will not judge her. She doesn’t need that. She needs a wake-up call. Another thing that I have never mentioned before is that we are both military. Stationed in Virginia, but we are both from Chicago. Our families live about an hour from each other. Her parents love and adore me, as the same with my parents. Actually both our entire families love the in-laws. Our mother’s became best friends and hang out together regularly. If we divorce she isn’t only ruining my life and our daughter’s life, but actually so many other lives. I know that her parents are gonna hate the next guy, maybe ever guy. My parents will always compare every woman I am with to my wife. And they’ve even told me it’s gonna be near impossible to best my wife. We actually do have the perfect life. The circumstances of our marriage will be topped. I might hate my next in-laws, our vice versa. I know this is all he said she said, but it is really going to be hard to find happiness again. I think my marriage is over now, and I am more devastated now than I have ever been. I have never felt so low and alone. I don’t know what my next move is. Just wait I guess. I hate waiting. Waiting to find out if my wife wants to be with me. That sounds ridiculous even saying that. Thanks for getting back to me. I thought maybe I had said something that offended you. Well I guess I will talk to you later. Reply (link)
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Just wait and see what her next move will be. DO NOT CALL HER, LET HER CALL YOU! You've gatta make it seem as though you are not desperate. It's her that did something wrong, not you. Stop beating up on yourself, relax and live your life. I know that this is going to be the hardest thing in the world for you to do, but you have to do it for yourself. If you just sit around focusing on her all day long then you will continue to feel depressed, lonely and miserable. Go out and do something that you like doing or something you haven't done in a long time. Take the load off your shoulders. And may I ask, how old is your daughter, and are there any signs of this affecting her? The reason I asked is because I have a step son who is 9 and I know when i left home, he was devastated, he totally shut down in school and became distant, so this is also something that needs to be taken into consideration.
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Well I have some more bad news on the home front. I know you are probably busy, but I just needed to talk to someone since you are the only person who really knows the whole story. I told my wife that I think it would be best if she left. She took our daughter and went and stayed with a friend. I immediatley regreted my decision, but it might be to late. I talked to her today and she doesn't know if she wants to move back. I started to feel unhappy because of her unhappiness. I started thinking that I might be better off without her. Turns out I think I was wrong. I finally figured out what exactly has been holding her back. We got married kinda young (19) and then joined the military together. Had a child at 22 and have careers now. For me I feel that I have everything I need. "The American Dream." I wouldn't want to give that up because thats the ultimate goal in life. She ultimatley wanted the same thing, but feels that she got there to fast. In a sense, grew up to quickly. She reached the destination, but missed out on the ride. I guess I can understand that. The feeling isn't mutual though. I have what I always wanted, and nothing would make me want to give it up. I asked her if she wanted to move back in, and she told me that she still wants time to figure stuff out. I know that if she decides to leave me, she will go out and do all the things that she feels she missed out on. But at some point she is going to want to settle back down. She will regret leaving me, because of how perfect we are for each other. It is really hard for me to picture being happy with someone else. I only want her. She tells me she still loves me, but I think she only loves me because of what we've been through together. I don't think she has the romantic type of love like I feel towards her. I hope she makes the right decision, and comes home to me. I know that I have been going about things the wrong way lately. I have been selfish the last couple of weeks. I have been pushing her to give me the things I need to heal which has just been pushing her farther away from me. I hate myself for that, and if I lose her I am going to blame myself for a very long time. I should have just left the scab alone and let it heal on it's own. Well I think you tried to tell me exactly that, and I'm sorry for not listening. I was being selfish and stubborn. I just hope it's not too late. I guess for now all I can do is wait for her to decide what she wants. One thing is for sure though. Until we sign divorce paperwork, I am going to fight for her. I gave up for a split second, and that made me realize that what we had was special, and I will not stop fighting. If you have any suggestions on how to get her back, please let me know. I could use all the help I can get right now. (link)
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Sorry for not getting back to you sooner, but I have been really busy. Also sorry for hearing that your wife left, but I know exactly how she feels. I too got married at a young age (21st birthday to be exact) and before my husband I never really dated or had any other relationships, just one which was for a short period of time. And like your wife, I also felt like i was missing out on alot. There were so many things that I didn't do that I wanted to do, and being in a marriage you sometimes feel trapped. You feel like you want to experience all the things you didn't experience when you were younger. I feel the same way. Although we tell ourselves that not all the things we want to expereince are really beneficial or worth doing, we want to do it regardless, and as long as we as woman are detemined that that is what we want to do, there is no stopping us. So I think that this is what your wife is going through right now. She wants to expereince the world. As her husband, you say that you love her and that until you are divorced you will fight for her, then this means that you are going to have to accept the fact that you wife is going to go out there in the world and do some things that you may not appreciate, some things that are morally wrong and some things that may affect your relationship even more. There is going to come a point when she realizes that the things she want to experience are not all that and that she really didn't miss out on much. But women are stubborn, we don't like to be told what to do. We want to experience it on our own and if we fall in the process, we want to pick ourselves up and not someone else do it for us. We want to learn from our own mistakes, if you know what I mean. I am not telling you that you should just sit there and allow your wife to do whatever she wants to and then come running home when she realizes that she made a mistake, this is a decision that only you can make. Only you know know how much you can and are willing to take. But it sounds to me that you really really love your wife and will put up with any shit that she dishes at you, just for fear of loosing her. Your wife, no doubt, will come crawling back to you, but the thing is, you don't know how long it will take. My question to you is, how long are you willing to wait on her? If she goes out there and sleeps with someone else, will you be able to accept her back without any animosity? Will you still look at her in the same way? Will you be able to forgive her no matter what she does when you are apart? You really are a good man and I really do hope that you find happiness, even if it is not with your wife. You both got married at a young age, so I am assuming that you didn't have many relationships before her either. You have been with her for so long that you feel complete and feel like there is no other woman out there for you, but the truth of the matter is that, if you decide to move on, or your wife decides that she doesn't want to come back to you, it may take a while before you move on, but you will. Who knows, you may find someone better, someone who will love you and appreciate you for who you are. But I really do hope that you and your wife get back together for your sake. I don't know much about your wife, but I do know that you really love her. If you are determined to fight for her, then go ahead, I can't blame you for that. Give her some time to to herself, wait about a week or two. Do not call her, allow her to call you, this will tell you whether she misses you or not. If she calls then you know that there is still love. Women will try to be tough, we will sit by the phone waiting for the guy to call, trust me, if you don't call her, she will be miserable as hell. if you profusely call her, she will feel like she has you exactly where she wants you, and this will give her room to do whatever she wants to do because she now knows that you want her and will wait forever, never let a woman know that even if it is true. She will take advantage of your niceness. If she calls within a week or some, surprise her at work with some flowers or something that she really likes. If she doesn't call within a week or two, when she does call, give her the impression that you are seeing someone else, this will wake her up really quickly!
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Well, we had another talk on Sunday, and it ended up going really well. We took a huge step in the right direction to saving the marriage. She opened up to me, we made love, and things really started to feel like we were getting back to normal. We spent all day Monday together seeing a movie and shopping and it is going really good. Today is Thursday and we are going to see a professional today for the first time. There is just one small problem, and it has to do with me. You were right when you said I wasn’t over this. I maybe thought I was because I was more focused on saving the marriage. Well, I have been doing a lot of thinking. I find myself constantly checking my wife’s email and facebook, and she told me it bothered her because she doesn’t have a sense of privacy anymore. She told me a woman from work is in a similar situation and 2 years later her husband is still looking through her phone and spying on her. This bothers her a lot, because she doesn’t know if she could deal with it for that long. I don’t want to be that guy that is always spying on his wife, but I am extremely insecure right now. I wonder everyday if she is regretting staying with me. I think that she might just wake up and leave me because she feels she will be happier with this other guy. I know that’s MY issue, but I can’t help feeling that way. She told me that she just wants to be normal again. Yesterday, I cleaned the whole house and had her favorite dinner waiting for her when she got home. I have been taking her out to lunch and we all went to the park the other day. Basically going above and beyond everything she wanted, but she feels like I am forcing it, which I’m not. I want to do it to show her I love her and how much she means to me. She told me she wants me to just be myself and get back to normal, which makes no sense to me cause she cheated on me while I was being “normal.” Now let me tell you a little about what I’m going through and maybe you can give me some help. I have been with my wife for almost 7 years now. We had this perfect marriage, and my wife is a spectacular, smart, beautiful woman. She is every guys dream. She is a perfect 10 in my eyes. So part of me always thought that I didn’t deserve her. That I was the luckiest man alive as to end up with her. I never really flirted with any other women or attempted to have an affair because I already had the best there was at home. Also women never really flirted with me or hit on me, and this always bothered me a little because it gave me low self-esteem. Or maybe they always did, but I never noticed it. Now I think I am a very attractive man, and lately (the last couple of weeks) I am noticing a lot of attractive women flirting with me. This is troublesome to me, because now a new question pops into my head. I keep thinking to myself that I do deserve my wife, but I don’t deserve to feel this way. I wonder to myself that maybe I might not ever get over this and I might never trust her again. When I thought I was going to lose my wife, it hurt because I thought I would never find another women who could make me happy again, but with all the attention I am receiving, it makes me think that I could one day be happy again.(if we split up) So I’m at a crossroads. Will I ever get over this? Will I ever be able to trust her again? Am I going to be this insecure for the rest of our marriage? If so, is it worth it? I know these aren’t questions you can answer but I am really going through a tough time. I do love my wife more than anything in the world, but now I am starting to think of myself. I guess I need to take care of me first. I know this all might sound contradicting, and that is what is messing with my head. Any advice? (link)
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You know it's funny, you just ran across my mind and now you are emailing me. What a coincidence! I was wondering how everthing was going for you. I figured everything was going well since I had not heard from you in a while. Now, where do I start! First of all, I am glad to see that both are you trying to make this marriage work, it appears that you are heading in the right direction. Remember when I told you that I didn't tell my husband about my affair, the reason was because I knew he would never look at me the same and he never again trust me although he may say otherwise. Most wife can't stand to stomach the fact that another man has been with their wife. It is something you guys can't seem to get over. It is truely understandable, but I cannot help you on that one. Personally, I would never tell my husband. I don't think that this is something that you will get over right now, it will take some time. Trust me! Your wife said that she feels like you are "forcing it", and she just wants you to be normal, I also think that you are forcing it, but your intentions are good. What I mean by this is that you are trying to go all out to make your wife happy and to make your marriage work, although your intentions are good, be careful because this can fire back at you. Just be yourself, don't try to do too much, I always tell my husband, don't get me use to something that you cannot maintain. What do you think will happen when you get your wife use to all this extravagent treatment and then all of a sudden you are not able to keep up with it. She will start to feel like you are getting relaxed, and she will end up right into the arms of someone else. Love her, but just don't over do it and make it seem like you are overdoing it. As far as you now being attracted to other women, well, i hope you are not trying to get back at your wife for cheating on you, it may not be intentional, but your feelings of hurt, may be taking control of you. It's really hard to explain why all of a sudden you have such high confidence in yourself, but this is good, maybe it is because you never thought that anything like this would ever happen in your marriage, and now you have built up this wall where you have decided thatt you are not going to allow anyone to hurt you anymore. You are probally feeling like, you have tried all your life to make others happy and now you think it is time to think about yourself and make you happy for a change. I know this is how i felt. And personally, although I made a decision to stay in my marriage, things started to go really well and I was really happen, now I have noticed that things are starting to go back to the way they were and I am starting to wonder if I made the right decision. I am really feeling right now like I would be happier by myself. But you have gotta do what makes you happy, but don't make a decision that you will regret. Reply.
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Well, I came back home today. I guess so far so good. We had a long talk yesterday before I got home, and it’s still pretty rough. It’s funny that you said she was coming around a lot quicker than you thought, because I feel that it’s not quick enough. I know that’s wrong, but I feel like I’m miles ahead of her just waiting for her to catch up. What I mean is that, it really bothers me what happened. The hardest thing I’m having to deal with is getting the images of them two together out of my head. But it’s not preventing me from moving forward. I love her and I want to hold her and kiss her and all of those things. One of the weirdest things is I’m actually very sexually attracted to her. It’s almost like I already started over. I have the same feelings for her like I did when we first started dating. For me the spark came back. I know that’s a little strange, but I feel like if that’s where I’m at then she should be in the same boat. She is still very emotionally distant, and I know that she still has feelings for this guy. Which I think is stupid. He is 8 years older than her and just got out of a long marriage. I know for a fact that he was just using her. He took advantage of her in her time of weakness. There is no way he was leaving for 6 months and trying to find the next love of his life after that long of a relationship. He was looking for a fling and a hot POA. Plus I already know that the dude was a man whore. I am trying to convince my wife of that because if she accepted that it would be easier for her to get over him. I know that I can’t make her feel differently, but I still tried. Anyway, I made her a promise that I am going to start taking the pressure off of her. It will be the hardest thing for me to do, but I will do it. I guess it’s just my personality, but I am not letting it bother me as much as it bothers her. She still won’t open up to me and tell me the things I want to hear. She told me that she loves me and wants to work things out, which is great, but I am still very scared of getting hurt again. If she can just get to a point where she can accept what happened, she can maybe start to show me she loves me again. I hope that she really does. I am having a hard time believing it without any action. Today I got home and brought her flowers. She liked them a lot. She went to sleep and left me still feeling very lonely. There doesn’t seem much more I can do right now but wait. I am sure that in a few days I will come back and ask you for more advice. Hopefully it’ll just be me saying that everything is getting better. Anyway thanks for the ear, and I will talk to ya soon. (link)
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Good to know that you moved back home and both of you are working on your marriage. But you say that you feel like you have already moved on and that what happened is not preventing you from moving foward, but the fact that you cannot get "the images" out of your head says otherwise. Also, the fact that you told your wife that this guy was just using her and never had intentions of having a long term relationship with her tells me that you have not really put what happened in the past behind you as yet. I am sure that your wife knows by now that she was used by this guy, she doesn't need to be reminded. By throwing this at her you are adding fuel to the fire and I warned you about that. I know you really want everything to be out the open about what really happened, and I think you deserve to know, but be really careful how you approach the situation. Sounds to me like until you know for sure what happened, you will not be able to "really" get over this. It is clear to me that you love your wife unconditionally, and I can't tell you when or if she will come around to loving you again. But what I think you should continue to do, is to shower her with love. You said that you are prepared to wait because you love her, so stop being impatient and wait. You said that you want to hug and kiss your wife, don't say it, just do it. She is still your wife. When are you too planning on beginning counseling? Good luck and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
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Well, I was gone 2 days and she called me, and told me she loved me and that she wanted to work things out. She said she realized that she never really tried to make it work the first time. I am still in Chicago, and trying to decide when I should go home. I am still really worried, because I need her to prove to me that she loves me and is ready to move foward. I think and hope that me leaving finally made her come to her senses. I know that it would probably be best if we just started over. I am going to have a very hard time getting the thoughts of them 2 together out of my head. I know it will be uncomfortable, but I want more than anything to make it work. Do you have any advice on how to make the recovery go faster/smoother? The last thing I want is to lose her again. I know that I can never again bring it up and throw it in her face. But what about her. What should she do to move foward? Thanks again and I will continue to keep you updated. (link)
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Hi, nice hearing from you. I knew that she would come to her senses once you left. I think she now realizes that you mean what you say. She doesn't want to loose you, and I think she realizes that you are a good man. You need to ask her if she is ready to put all of this behind her and start fresh, or does she still need more time to herself. Let her kow that you are not prepared to come back to a home where you do not feel loved and appreciated, or where you feel that you both are living seperate lives. Let her know that you love her and want to be with her, but at the same time you want her to love you. Be sure to also let her know that you are willing to put the past behind you and move forward, is she willing to do the same. I think everything is going to be fine between the both of you. She is moving in the right direction and I must say that she is doing it rather quickly. I thought it would have been at least a week before she came t her senses, guess she really misses you. HAHA. Don't be afraid, you did the right thing.
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15/f
This will be a little long not very long.
Ive been with my boyfriend for a year and like half of this year weve had unprotected sex. This was because my family is having financial problems and cant pay for birthcontrol anymore. So yeah we have sex every week up to 3 times every week. Well for the past last 5 months ive been fine on my period but this month i was suppose to have my period 5 days ago. And i didnt but for like 2 days i was spotting and yeah it was time for my "real" period. I have a pregnancy test. Is there a chance im pregnant? When should i take the test?? Help asap pleaseee:) (link)
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Isn't it obvious, that if you have unprotected sex, you stand the chance of getting pregnant. Don't you know that when you play with fire, you get burned! You say that you are having unprotected sex because your family is having financial problems, what kind of boyfriend do you have? Can't he afford condoms! If you can't even afford to buy your own birth control pills, how will you afford to take care of a child if it turns out that you are pregnant? What kind of strain do you think a child will have on your parents? You are 15 years old now, you are not a baby, it's time for you to wake and get in the "real world", get a reality check young lady! Become a responsible young adult. If you are old enough to have sex, just make sure that you are old enough to take on all the repsonsiblity that comes along with it. Don't be a burden to your parent's financial problems.
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Well you and my gut were right. Sure as shit 3 weeks after I found out and she broke off all contact with him, they started talking again online. And I caught her again. I am at the lowest place I have ever been in my life. Words cannot describe the pain I feel. I guess since she wasn't feeling any differently about me even though I did a complete 180 on the things she said I was doing wrong. This caused her to give up and give into the temptation of this fantasy world she had built with this other guy. Extremely selfish if you ask me. She said she wasn't happy with me and believes she would be happy alone or with this other guy. My entire family and at least her mom thinks she is crazy. She is throwing away this wonderful thing. Giving up on our family, for something which she doesn't even know the end result. The thought of another guy raising my child tears me up inside. And I still want to forgive her and work it out. She says she is gonna cut off all contact with him again, I'm gonna leave and go visit family for a couple of weeks, to give her time to really figure out what the hell it is that she wants. Even though she basically told me she wants to seperate. I am hoping that me being gone (in another state) for a while will wake her up. Cause if this fantasy she has been living becomes reality I think she will regret it for the rest of her life. I know that a lot of guys might say this, but I'm a great husband. She could end up with an abusive alcoholic, child abuser, stds, and so many other horrible alternatives to this wonderful life we have built together. How could I still even want to work this out? I must be insane. She lied and betrayed me twice. In a matter of 3 weeks. Maybe its me living in a fantasy world not wanting to let her go. Oh and FYI, I'm almost 100% positive that she did not sleep with him. She would have told me after all the horrible things I said to her the moment I caught her, again! She still swears on our daughters life that she didn't, and I do believe her. I'm leaving tomorrow morning. I might not be on for a couple of days. For what it's worth I really enjoyed talking to you. You have been a good friend and someone to lean on these past few days. I wish you all the best and hope you can be happy again in your marriage. I just know have to start coping with the fact that my marriage is probably over. I will at least have no regrets. I tried everything i could. Reply? As soon as I get a chance I will check it as soon as I can. (link)
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As far as my marriage is concerned, I am now happier than I have ever been. I do wish you well. Make sure that your wife is able to contact you while you are out of state. It would have been really nice if you had somewhere in state that you could stay fora while. I do hope that your wife comes to her senses really soon and that you to can begin to mend your relationship. Your wife is probally feeling like she is missing out on something. I know I felt this way when I started my affair. I had been with my now husband since I was 19 and I am now 29, will be 30 in a month. Before him I only had one relationship, I didn't date or anything, so I flelt like I was missing out on alot. I'm sure she will come around, it's just up to you to decided to wait and for how long. Wish you all the best. Keep me posted. And don't give up on your child, be there for her no matter what.
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You know it’s funny because you asked the 2 questions that have been haunting me the most. Is she still in contact with him? And was she lying about them not sleeping together? If either is true the relationship will probably be over. I will tell you everything I know. She had worked with him for a few months and as far as I know they just worked together. He has 2 kids so they had that in common. She told me that she had always thought he was cute, so that attraction was always there. Nothing wrong with that. And my wife was much like you and that she never in a million years would have ever dreamed of cheating on me (I know her and I believe that) I can be a jealous person but I had 100% trust in my wife. She is the last person I would ever think could do something like this. She would always see people she knew that cheated and be absolutely disgusted by it. Anyways as I was saying, I’m sure he was saying all the right things and blah blah blah etc. She began to view him as a REALLY close friend…. I left for Florida on a Saturday for work. He was leaving for 6 months on Tuesday. My wife was sad he was leaving because they became so close. She asked him to come over on Saturday (The day I left) to say a final goodbye I guess. She convinced herself that they were” Just friends” and nothing was going to happen. Now this is where the story gets tricky. Story A: Originally she said that they hung out, talked and smoked. She kissed him, he left, and that was that. I was gone that whole week and they were in contact online. When I got home on the following Saturday she was acting weird. She told me we needed to talk and told me she basically “loved me but wasn’t in love with me.” Cause of the reasons previously stated in earlier posts. We made love that night and everything seemed ok. A new week started and she was still in contact with him through the whole week. (2 weeks now) She was still acting very weird and I suspected she was cheating and downloaded a Keystroke Recorder program, caught one of their conversations in which I read her saying “I love you sooo much” to this guy. I flipped out, woke her up yelling. The first thing she said was “I never slept with him.” We talked and she told me Story A. Now Story B: She later confessed that the kiss led to some foreplay. They made out for a while and she said it was all hands and no oral. It was getting pretty serious and then they both stopped and realized what they were doing. He left. When she told me all of this I was really hurt but found it in me to still stick around and try to work on it. Story C: A couple days later, she said that he came over twice. On Saturday nothing happened and they just hung out. Since nothing happened she invited him back on Sunday and this is when everything happened. So her story has changed 3 times, so I am having a hard time believing what she is saying. I hope I have the whole story but since the trust isn’t there my mind still pictures a worse scenario. And since she has told me more than once that she wants to talk to a professional alone before we do it together, makes me think she is still hiding something big. She swears on our daughter’s life that they didn’t have sex, but I still can’t be sure. Is it possible that she could’ve fallen in love with this guy in just 2 weeks without her having sex with him? Now as for the other question. She severed all contact with him the day after I found out. She gave me all the passwords to her home email, facebook, myspace, and deleted the messenger she used to talk to him. But… she still has a work email only accessible from her work. So I don’t know if they are still in contact. Could be? I need to find these 2 things out. If I don’t know the whole truth my mind will mess with me forever and I won’t be able to get over it. And I can’t approach her right now, and ask these 2 questions. If she did sleep with him and or is still in contact with him, she already denied it several times, so she would just deny it again and get mad at me. Can’t have that happening. And here is the kicker. He will be back in 6 months. So unless I can make her fall deeply in love with me again before he gets back, we are gonna have a serious problem. P.S. Neither of them can quit their job. (link)
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Well, based on what you are telling me, here is what I think happened. The first night, nothing probally happened, like she said, they probally kissed and that was it. But for her to invite him over again after what happened the first night, means that she wanted more and was well aware of what was going to happen. I think they did sleep together this time. And from personal experience, it is much easier for you to for get rid of that other person when you haven't slept together. What I am saying is that if your wife didn't sleep with this guy, I don't think she would be saying that she loves him, yes she might have feelings for this guy, but not love. When you sleep with the other person, we somehow feel this connection, or this bond that makes us feel like we are in love. And if she hadn't slept with him I think she would have been able to move on by now, the same thing with me. But in my case although I still love this guy, I had to make a decision as what was more important to me, my family or a fling that was going no where. By your wife telling you three different stories as to what happened, is a perfect indication that she is telling a lie. As far her having contact with this other person, believe me when I tell you, there are many ways for her to do that without you knowing. At one time my husband suspected that I was cheating on him and I denied it although I was. He took my cell phone and threw it against the wall and destroyed it, this was my main way of contacting my lover. My husband would get suspicious when I went out at night and I told him that I was going to see my mother, when I was in fact going to see this other guy. He knew that before I was always home, why all of a sudden I have this need to go see my mother. So after he destroyed my phone, when I went to work the next day, I called the guy and told him what had happened, he bought me a new phone that very day and I hid it from my husband, so me and this other guy were in contact everyday without my husband knowing, and instead of me meeting with him at night, I now would meet him on my lunch break. So if your wife wants to contact this guy, i'm just saying that she can. I don't want to portray your wife as the enemy, cause she may actually be telling you the know, but I honestly doubt that, I think you should go with you gut feeling. It is usually right. And try not to let this whole situation eat you up, because it will start to affect your ability to function properly at work among other thing. I know that this is a really hard thing to swallow, but if it is true love, you to will wind up back together again and happy like before.
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my twin sister has a boyfriend and they've been going out for like 4 or 5 months now and i cant stand it! i havent had a boyfriend and its already my third year in middle school and all the boys i like dont really like me like that! i always end up getttin hurt! im not ugly or anything but im kinda of jelious that my best friend (my twin) doesnt have time for me anymore! all i do is yell at her for any little reason, like kissing her fucking boyfriend in front of me or something!!! (link)
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I think you need to stop being jealous of your sister's relationship. What if the situation was reveresed, whatif you were the one who had a boyfriend and she didn't, wouldn't you want her to be happy for you. Just be happy for your sister, just because she has a boyfriend doesn't mean that she loves you any less. Stop hating.
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I am taking all of your advice and using it. Thanks so much, you really have been a lot of help. I got some more stuff to tell you though. Sorry in advance if this is long. Today my wife went and seen a counselor by herself. After our daughter went to bed she wanted to tell me how it went. (So I didn’t bring it up) She basically told me, that she can't show her love for me, because she is in love with another man. I guess she feels that since her heart is not completely mine right now, she can't give any of it to me. So until she stops loving this other guy, she can't show her affection and love for me. Now the problem is she will probably never stop loving this other guy. I am being realistic about that. If we broke up I would still always love her. Plus she ended it with this guy when it was still very new and fresh so she will always see this guy as perfect. She will never stop loving him, so according to how she feels now, she’ll never be able to show me she loves me? Such a mind fuck. She hugs me, but only when I hug her first. She kisses me, but only when I kiss her, and she tells me she loves me, but only after I say it. I asked if when she says "I love you" if she means it, and she said she wouldn't say it if she didn't mean it. So if she does love me, why can't she show it? She is contradicting herself. I hope you can get why that confuses me. Right now I have a huge hole in my heart, and the way to fill the whole is with her love. Am I being to unreasonable? She wants all this time to be alone and figure out what it is that she truly wants. She just wants to be happy again. I have been taking your advice about not bringing it up and giving her space. And maybe I am being too impatient. But everyday this whole is getting bigger, and it is driving me mad. I had pushed the thoughts of what those two did together out of my head, but with each passing day it is getting harder to not think about it. She tells me they didn’t have sex, but I do know it went pretty far. I would go into detail, but I’m not sure if it would offend you so I won’t. But I hate the thought of another man’s hands all over her body, as I’m sure anyone would. At first these thoughts bothered me, but then I began to focus on fixing my marriage. And now that it’s been almost 3 weeks and absolutely nothing has changed these thoughts are returning. I can’t focus anymore on fixing my marriage when I feel like I’m the only one trying. Everything you said in your last reply is completely understandable and I don’t judge you at all for it. I hope you don’t take offense to some of the things I’m saying cause there not directed at you. I have a question and tell me what you think will happen. I am seriously considering writing her a letter, and packing some of my shit and leaving. Not a “dear john” letter, Just all of these thoughts, In hopes that maybe she will see that I’m not messing around. Maybe she is taking advantage of me, because I am still here. She told me that if it was me who cheated she most likely wouldn’t be able to forgive me. Do you think if I leave it will push her into his arms, or make her realize what she would be losing. I’m not trying to put pressure on her, but I feel right now this is my only hope to open her eyes. Or is there anything else you can suggest for me to do. Like I said, right now it’s a waiting game, and I’m waiting for her to snap out of this. But with the whole in my heart getting bigger I need to do something fast. Or should I just do nothing and wait for her. I guess putting yourself in my shoes, if your husband had cheated and you guys wanted to work things out, and he was acting the way my wife is, what would you do? (link)
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I think that your wife is coming around. It may not be as quickly as you would like her to, but the fact that she went to see a counselor is a start, and also the fact that she decided to talk to you about it. I do however feel like she is taking advantage of the situation because she knows how much you really want her and I guess she is trying to see how much you will take. My suggestion to you is to write the letter to her telling her EXACTLY how you feel. Let her know that you love her, but she tearing you apart and you just can't deal with it right now. Tell her you think it is best if you both seperate from each other until she decides what she really wants, whether it's you or to still be in love with this other guy. Do you know if she is still in contact with this other guy? Cause if she is, believe me when I tell you, your situation is going to much more difficult for you, because more than likely she will telling him everything about your relationship with her andthis other guy will be telling her leave you and be with him. He will portray you as the enemy. So it will be best if she severed all ties with this guy. After writing her the letter, wait until she has read the letter and see her reaction, do not approach her about the letter, let her approach you. If she really loves you and wants you in her life she will tell you that she doesn't want you to leave and ya'll can work through it, she her mind is made up about not wanting the marriage to work, she will tell you that maybe it is best that ya'll seperate. Do you think your wife is being totally honest with you? You say that she broke it off with this guy early in the relationship and that they didn't sleep together, but they were close. I don't believe that, but if you do I totally understand. The way your wife is claiming to love this guy, this relationship has to have been going on for a while and my belief is that she did sleep with him, but she is afraid to tell you. I had the same problem in my relationship, with my husband only hugging or kising me when I did it first, so I know how that make a person feel. It feels like it is unreal, it is not sincere. When you write the letter, have your suitcases packed so that she can see that you mean business, but not with the intention of leaving right away. This is just a test to see what her reaction will be. I would give her a few days (2 the most) to respond to the letter and if she doesn't say what it is that you want to hear, then I think you should leave, if you have a place where you can go until she comes to her senses, then I suggest you go there. She will soon realize what she is missing and come looking for you. I am not offended at all of your thought. I enjoy the conversations with you and feel free to ask my opinion any time you feel like. That is what we are here for, to help one another out in times of need. Good luck.
P.S. You do not want to force her back into your arms, because that will not last, it will feel like an obligation to her rather than love. You want her to come back to you because that is what she wants, to love you and be there for you.
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Honestly, the way I feel right now, I will wait forever. I am sure after a long time, if there hasn't been any change, I might feel differently. But for me failure is not an option. I love her with all my heart and can't picture my life without her. I am pretty sure she used to feel this way, but I'm not sure right now. We have talked about family counseling, and both agree that we should go, but we haven't yet. Its weird, we got married pretty young, and in retrospect it was crazy. If my daughter did what we did, I would lock her in a room and make her come to her senses. Now I understand why our parents were so hesitant to support us at first. But after we got married something amazing happened. We found out we were perfect for each other. I have tried to do everything right cause we both grew up in broken homes. I wanted to prove there was a such thing as a perfect marriage. And it's a wake up call. I guess no matter who you are, you are going to encounter some rough obstacles. I don't believe we are soul mates, cause I don't believe in that kinda thing, but I am sure I don't want to be with anyone else. I've hope she feels the same way but she can't express her emotions right now. I know it was different for you cause your hubby didn't know, but what did you go through when you decided to stick it out and make your marriage work. What could my wife be feeling that is making her so distant to me. Guilt? I think maybe she thinks I look at her differently, but I'm not judging her and I still love her the same if not even more now. You right about the whole "Don't know what you've got till its gone" thing. I always thought if my wife cheated, I'm gone. No questions. But when I found out, the only emotion I can recall was being scared to lose her. Wierd huh? (link)
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When I was going through my situation, I felt neglected by husband, I felt lonely and unloved. I am the type of person who loves to do things with my family. I am not the type of person who goes out with friends and party. The only friend I have is my husband and son. So you would understand why I felt so lonely when I would ask him to go out or do something together as a family and he would always say you and my son go and he would always refuse to go. I became tired of this. I prayed and prayed and I even asked God, I said Lord, if this relationship was not meant to be show me some sign or take this man out of my life. I was that frustrated. I longed for my husband to say to me that he loved me or that he thought I was beautiful, or just something nice to make me feel like I was special to him. I wanted him to hold me when I was stressed and tell me everything would be ok. I wanted him to be there when I needed a shoulder to cry on, but he wasn't there. This other guy was there, he told me what I needed to hear, he was there when I needed that shoulder to cry on, he was there everytime I needed him, he would call me at work to find out if I needed lunch, he did all the things my husband was not doing. This is why I think I fell in love with him. The thing that made me stop the affair was the fact that this guy was married with children. And he really does love his wife, although he was cheating he made that perfectly clear. I knew he had feelings for me, but also knew that our relationship would go nowhere. But to be honest with you, had he not been married, I would have lfet my husband for him. My husband and I this year will make 9 years of marriage, I am 29 and he is 33. I still consider myself young and I still like to have fun, even if it is only going outside in the back yard and chillin, as long as it with my family I am happy. But my husband for some reason could not understand what it was that I wanted even after me telling him about a thousand times. Women want to feel loved and appreciated. We want to feel like our men don't see any other woman on earth but us. We want to be treated like the queen that we are. If a man treats his wife like a queen, I am sure that she will return the favor. For me, I would not even look at another man. Right now your wife may havig these same feelings, but at the same time, like I said to you before, she may be feeling a little guilt and resentment because of what she has done. She may also be feeling like you do not love her the same way you use to because of her affair, and she does not know what is going on in your head. Although you may be telling her that you forgive her she doesn't really believe that and therefore will be a little distant from you. But women, even though we may not say it, we prefer for a man to show us that he loves us rather than tell us, but that doesn't mean that we don't want to hear it sometimes. You said that you and your wife have both agreed to go to counselling that is good. However, if she doesn't feel comfortable going with you right now, then maybe you should recommend that she go alone for now and get things off of her chest and then the both of you can go together. She may have things on her mind that she is not ready to confess to you at this time. But just be patient with her and don't force her to talk about the affair if she is not ready. Allow her to come to you and tell you on her own. I think if you push her too much you will end up loosing her.
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I greatly appreciate your advice, and it really helps talking to somebody. Now I know for sure that if my wife had told me how she was feeling, that I would have done everything I could to fix it. It is my mentality. I am a maintainer. I work on planes and fix them when they are broke. If I ever sensed a problem in my marriage, I would confront her and ask her what was bothering her. She would always say "Nothing is wrong". I never ingnored her, or her feelings. She is the type of person who keeps stuff bottled inside and goes on living her life. She tries to blame herself for everything that is wrong. I think maybe her expectations of marriage are what caused this problem. Maybe she believed that the feeling you get when you are with someone at the beggining (The butterflies, and the sparks) should always be there. That is what "In love" means to me. I don't believe that feeling should and is supposed to last forever. Being "In love" is a feeling, and loving someone is a commitment. Maybe I'm wrong, but those weren't my expectaions. Now I'm not trying to float my own but, but I was and still am a damn good husband. I helped out around the house, cooked, sometimes cleaned, always gave her anything she asked for. She used to brag to all of our friends what a great husband I was. In her friends' eyes I was the perfect husband. I know that I'm not and I made many mistakes, but I thought we had a healthy marriage. We NEVER argued, never fought, never went to bed angry. For the last 4 years, I really thought we had the perfect marraige. She told me after the fact that she began to feel like we were roomates. I worked a night shift and she worked days. I get it, but there were no signs. It just happened. And now I am confused on how to fix it. I am showing her love and affection, and not recieving ANY, and that is hard on me. I believe in our marriage. I think I just need to hear that she does too, and show me she still loves me. This other guy will never treat her as good as I can. I think she is blinded by the "In love" feeling. I'm upset because I don't think she understands that if she leaves me for this guy, or any other for that matter, that feeling will go away again. And it's hard because right now this guy is superman. In her eyes he is everything I'm not. She sees my flaws but doesn't see his, even though he is seperated and technically cheating on his wife. He should be working on his marraige and instead he's trying to destroy mine. This guy is an asshole. Sorry this is long, I just need to get it out, and thank you for listening. Please give feedback on my thoughts (link)
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You really do sound like a pretty good and decent man. I wish my husband was like you. You seem to be one of the few. I really don't know what to say. Some women don't realize when they have something good or they just can't seem to appreciate a good man. It seems to me that you have tried your best to make the situation better, but your wife does not want to do her part. I think maybe you both should spend some time apart from each other just for a while, maybe then she will realize what she is missing out on and come to her senses. Have you seeked family couseling? I totally understand the part about her seeing your flaws and not this other guys, because that is exactly what I did. I saw all the wrong my husband did, but this other guy could do no wrong. I had to mae a choice, I realized that no relationship is perfect. I know what I have (meaning the type of husband I have), but I don't know what I am going get (meaning if I start over with someone else). This is what made me realize that I was only kidding myself, I needed to make my marriage work, for better or worse. I also know that there are all sorts of sexually transmitted diseases out there and that made me afraid also. I don't think that this other guy will treat your wife better than you will, but some women are just suckers for bad treatment. How long are you prepared to wait on your wife to come to her senses? Do you really feel that she truely loves you? Reply.
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i was looking to give you feedback and couln't find it now i did :)
but yah thats true am gonna keepp my advice and my ex still tells me that he still loves me and he tells me that almsot everyday . we were a 1 yr 11 month. almost 2 yrs in june . if we get back together do we have to start all over agina from day 1 ??
because we have 2 weeks and 2 days off :(
so am a little bit confuse . or can we keep on ..? (link)
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I usually keep on, but it's totally up to you.
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so after a 10month relationship saterday night i got dumped. its hard to say it was expected but i dont really know. my mother found out we were having sex or thought we were and decited that i was going to stay inside till i turned 21 im 17 about to be 18. im not going to say i lost her trust because i dont think i ever had it. if i ever asked her if i could go out and lets say it was 8pm she would say its too late. i would always have to leav around 7 or 6. and than i would have to come home at 11pm than she would be mad because most of the time we never went to parties or clubs... im like because i have to leave when its getting good...so whats the point of paying to go if im leave befor the show starts. so yeah i was stuck at home for a little more than a month. when i asked her if i could go out friday she said not till i was 21 and than i was really mad and we got into an argument.. than she said she wanted to talk to him. i said fine ill tell him to come over. than she changed her mind and said no because my dad was home and she didnt want him to find out. so i was like than what do yu want.. after a wile she came and said we were going to his house. i said no because my mom takes things way out of line and she wouldnt be able to control herself and would have made a really big deal. saterday when we called me he said i would be better if we brake up because there were too many problems. with my mom and work. that he was comeing out of work late like at 8 and my mom always bitched about that. and even if we did talk to her she might not give in for that. during the hole brake up explaination he cept telling me he loved me... and taht we should just wait.. till things got better. he wanted to know what i thought but i couldnt think strate. i was crying so hard.. that he told me to call him back when i calmed down. when i did i told him i didnt want to beg him but i didnt want to not be with him. but that i wanted him to talk to her that if it didnt help anything that ok we would just leave it at that. he said fine and taht he was going to call me tomorrow (sunday) he said he loved me i said i love you too than kiss me throgh the phone 3x sunday i wasnt home. (phone taken away other story)and since we all have our cells we just have a line nothing else i *69 to see who was the last person to call he said he would call around 8... but the last call was around 6 and it wasnt his number... i *67 his but it was turnd off like not even the voice mail came on... i dont know what to do... (link)
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It seems to me like you are a responsible young adult and not a young girl who wants to be out there sleeping with every Tom, Dick and Harry. I do understand why your mom does some of the things she does, but I do however feel like she is being a bit too unreasonable. When I was your age my mother never allowed me to go out much either, whenever I went out I would always have to go with my brothers and sisters and she would always pick us up at 11:00. I was never allowed to go to slumber parties etc, because she feared that boys would be there. All the other girls in my class would come to school and talk about how they went to the club or what parties they went to, while I could say nothing cause I had to stay at home. I wouldn't say that I hated my mother, but I was very upset that she would not give me the freedom that I wanted. It wasn't until I graduated from school and really saw what the real world was like for myself that I understood why mother acted the way she did, and I actually thanked her for her actions. Most of those girls in my class either ended up getting pregnant before they graduated or as adults they are still not settled, they party from day to day, with no sense of direction or purpose in their life. My mother helped me to be more of a responsible person. So I think this is what your mother wants for you, but I think she is a little bit over-protective. I think you need to have a one on one with your mother, let her know how you feel, if you feel like your mother will start an argument rather than listen to what you have to say, write her a letter and leave it on her bed or somewhere where she can find it. Then you both can talk about your feelings. You didn't mention how old this guy was, I hope he is not much older than you are or this can be a reason why your mother doesn't want you to see him. I remember one time I got so tired of hearing my mother tell me no I couldn't go out that I rebelled and left anyway. I told her that I was going to a sleep over and she told me that I was not going, I went, had fun, and to my surprise when I got home the nest day she was not as mad as I thought she would be, but I did call her and let her know where I was and checked in several times. I recall another time, I was about 17, my mother allowed me to g out, but I was suppose to be home by 11:00 my friends and I went in the club, I didn't get home until around 3am, I tried to sneak into the house through the back door and my mother was there waiting for me with the belt. I got a beaten of my life, but I didn't care on bit cause I had the best time of my life. That was the first time I had ever been in a club. This guy you are dating seems to have love for you, if he is a decent guy then you should sit down with both your parents and your guy and allow everyone to let all their feeling out. This should be the perfect time for your guy to explain to your parents know what his intentions are for you. If your mother refuses to give in at least somewhat, then just hold on a little while longer, you will soon be 18 and on your own. And it won't hurt to rebel every now and again, but don't push it. Yes she will get mad if you leave the house when she tells you not, but trust me when I tell you, she will get over it! My advice to you is to be as responsible as you can, show your mother that you are a lady and not a tramp and that all you want is a chance to prove to her that you are and can be responsible, if she would only give you a chance. Best of luck! Don't forget to rate my advice.
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omg this is so true. thank you sooo much! and it is true i still have feelins for him which got me impressed that you actually said it :)
and yah i do think that she likes him.
tomorrow in the morning am gonna look out the window to see if she pulls him out and starts talking to him. what should i do if she does this ? (link)
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Do not approach her, simply take the advice that I gave you earlier. Let him know that you still care for him, and ask him if he has feelings for this other girl. When you approach him make sure you are looking your best, your friend now knows that you and he are not together now so she will beef up her play, she will be looking all good and doing whatever it takes to get him, show her that she has competition and she will have will have a tough time winning his attention.
Good luck, let me know how it goes and don't forget to rate me!
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