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Change to the Change
I guess what I had thought before wasn't the main reason for her having a hard time making a decision. I had originally that it was because she felt like she missed out on a big part of her life, and was regretting growing up to fast. This is part of the reason maybe, but it’s not the underlining cause. We had a couple of good long talks, and she really opened up to me, and told me exactly how she was feeling and what she was going through. Even though she knew some of the things would be painful, she was honest with me. She loves me, but isn’t “in love” with me. I know that is so cliché. And through a lot of research online, I completely understand. All of the things that I have done wrong are having an effect on her feelings. Things like, me not doing the dishes, and not wanting to go to the park, and other things of that nature started to add up. The bad qualities that she was seeing in me started to out way the good ones. She fell out love with me. Mister perfect comes along, and of course she sees all the things in him that she didn’t see in me, therefore, causing her to fall in love with him. I know you know all this stuff already, since you’ve been there. So every time she sees me, or thinks about me, the bad qualities are on the surface and that has been causing her to doubt our relationship. She never believed that we could recover from this. She grew up in a household where her parents were going through this exact situation, and they were miserable. They still are. They have been together for 20 something years and her father isn’t in love with her mother. He has only stayed out of obligation, and because it was easier. My wife doesn’t want that to happen to us. And since she doesn’t think it can ever get better, would rather throw in the towel. I told her that I understand what she means, and I haven’t been pressuring her to make a decision. I have been giving her the space to figure out what she wants. She hasn’t said it’s over, but before she comes back she wants to be 100% sure that it’s what she wants. One thing I realize is that I have to start replacing the bad qualities with good ones. I told her that every time she thinks about me, instead of wishing I would do this or should have done that, to think about something you loved about me. I know if she comes back, I will have to put in the work to make her fall back in love with me. I realize it won’t happen overnight. At least I will know this going in, so I’m not constantly telling her to show me love and affection. I will make the changes necessary, and try to be the man she first fell in love with. This will be difficult because I don’t know how I differ from that man. I don’t feel different. She just has to believe that we can get through it. She has to have faith. I do believe people can fall back in love. If I can achieve this, I know we will be ok, maybe even better than before. What about you? Did you ever fall out of love with your husband, and if so, did you fall back in love? Or are you trying to fall back in love, but it’s just not there yet?
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I completely understand what your wife is saying, cause I too said the exact same thing to my husband, and I still feel that way. I love him, but i am not in love with him. I keep telling myself that things will get back to the way they once were. I think I too, like her parents, stay out of obligation. Exactly the way your wife is feeling, exactly the way I felt and still feeling, but at least in your case, she should be able to see that you are trying very hard to make a change to better your marriage, in my case my husband is not trying to make a change. He wants me to accept him the way he is. I keep telling myself that I should leave because deep down I know that he is not the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. He has changed drastically and I hate the change he has made. He tells me that I made him become the person he has become. I am so tired of all the arguments with him that I have developed a don't care attitude towards him, and I started to see the other guy again. He gives me no drama! He treats me much better than my husband does. Although I know that there is no future there because he is married, I still prefer to spend my time with him than with my husband. I am thinking about getting a divorce. I still haven't decided what I am going to do yet, but he drives me crazy. I am really glad that your wife has opened up and let you know how she feels, at least this should ease your mind a little. She is coming around and i really do think that she loves you. When your wife does come back, and she will, you had better make damn sure that you do what it takes to keep heer happy because once she feel abandoned and neglected again, i can assure you that there will be no changing her mind next time. She will feel like she gave you every opportunity to make it right and you failed her. As for me, I am not going to continue to feel neglected by my husband, what he doesn't do, there is always someone out there who will gladly do it. In a prior email I told you how I ended the affair and tried to make things right with my husband, but I can only do so much. It takes two willing individuals to make it work. Good luck and I wish you well.
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