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I am taking all of your advice and using it. Thanks so much, you really have been a lot of help. I got some more stuff to tell you though. Sorry in advance if this is long. Today my wife went and seen a counselor by herself. After our daughter went to bed she wanted to tell me how it went. (So I didn’t bring it up) She basically told me, that she can't show her love for me, because she is in love with another man. I guess she feels that since her heart is not completely mine right now, she can't give any of it to me. So until she stops loving this other guy, she can't show her affection and love for me. Now the problem is she will probably never stop loving this other guy. I am being realistic about that. If we broke up I would still always love her. Plus she ended it with this guy when it was still very new and fresh so she will always see this guy as perfect. She will never stop loving him, so according to how she feels now, she’ll never be able to show me she loves me? Such a mind fuck. She hugs me, but only when I hug her first. She kisses me, but only when I kiss her, and she tells me she loves me, but only after I say it. I asked if when she says "I love you" if she means it, and she said she wouldn't say it if she didn't mean it. So if she does love me, why can't she show it? She is contradicting herself. I hope you can get why that confuses me. Right now I have a huge hole in my heart, and the way to fill the whole is with her love. Am I being to unreasonable? She wants all this time to be alone and figure out what it is that she truly wants. She just wants to be happy again. I have been taking your advice about not bringing it up and giving her space. And maybe I am being too impatient. But everyday this whole is getting bigger, and it is driving me mad. I had pushed the thoughts of what those two did together out of my head, but with each passing day it is getting harder to not think about it. She tells me they didn’t have sex, but I do know it went pretty far. I would go into detail, but I’m not sure if it would offend you so I won’t. But I hate the thought of another man’s hands all over her body, as I’m sure anyone would. At first these thoughts bothered me, but then I began to focus on fixing my marriage. And now that it’s been almost 3 weeks and absolutely nothing has changed these thoughts are returning. I can’t focus anymore on fixing my marriage when I feel like I’m the only one trying. Everything you said in your last reply is completely understandable and I don’t judge you at all for it. I hope you don’t take offense to some of the things I’m saying cause there not directed at you. I have a question and tell me what you think will happen. I am seriously considering writing her a letter, and packing some of my shit and leaving. Not a “dear john” letter, Just all of these thoughts, In hopes that maybe she will see that I’m not messing around. Maybe she is taking advantage of me, because I am still here. She told me that if it was me who cheated she most likely wouldn’t be able to forgive me. Do you think if I leave it will push her into his arms, or make her realize what she would be losing. I’m not trying to put pressure on her, but I feel right now this is my only hope to open her eyes. Or is there anything else you can suggest for me to do. Like I said, right now it’s a waiting game, and I’m waiting for her to snap out of this. But with the whole in my heart getting bigger I need to do something fast. Or should I just do nothing and wait for her. I guess putting yourself in my shoes, if your husband had cheated and you guys wanted to work things out, and he was acting the way my wife is, what would you do?
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I think that your wife is coming around. It may not be as quickly as you would like her to, but the fact that she went to see a counselor is a start, and also the fact that she decided to talk to you about it. I do however feel like she is taking advantage of the situation because she knows how much you really want her and I guess she is trying to see how much you will take. My suggestion to you is to write the letter to her telling her EXACTLY how you feel. Let her know that you love her, but she tearing you apart and you just can't deal with it right now. Tell her you think it is best if you both seperate from each other until she decides what she really wants, whether it's you or to still be in love with this other guy. Do you know if she is still in contact with this other guy? Cause if she is, believe me when I tell you, your situation is going to much more difficult for you, because more than likely she will telling him everything about your relationship with her andthis other guy will be telling her leave you and be with him. He will portray you as the enemy. So it will be best if she severed all ties with this guy. After writing her the letter, wait until she has read the letter and see her reaction, do not approach her about the letter, let her approach you. If she really loves you and wants you in her life she will tell you that she doesn't want you to leave and ya'll can work through it, she her mind is made up about not wanting the marriage to work, she will tell you that maybe it is best that ya'll seperate. Do you think your wife is being totally honest with you? You say that she broke it off with this guy early in the relationship and that they didn't sleep together, but they were close. I don't believe that, but if you do I totally understand. The way your wife is claiming to love this guy, this relationship has to have been going on for a while and my belief is that she did sleep with him, but she is afraid to tell you. I had the same problem in my relationship, with my husband only hugging or kising me when I did it first, so I know how that make a person feel. It feels like it is unreal, it is not sincere. When you write the letter, have your suitcases packed so that she can see that you mean business, but not with the intention of leaving right away. This is just a test to see what her reaction will be. I would give her a few days (2 the most) to respond to the letter and if she doesn't say what it is that you want to hear, then I think you should leave, if you have a place where you can go until she comes to her senses, then I suggest you go there. She will soon realize what she is missing and come looking for you. I am not offended at all of your thought. I enjoy the conversations with you and feel free to ask my opinion any time you feel like. That is what we are here for, to help one another out in times of need. Good luck.
P.S. You do not want to force her back into your arms, because that will not last, it will feel like an obligation to her rather than love. You want her to come back to you because that is what she wants, to love you and be there for you.
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