Member Since: May 3, 2011
Answers: 1053
Last Update: December 12, 2012
Visitors: 30804
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Hi,
So I've never had an issue with the size of my penis. However, I always hear that women like well endowed men, and I have been told a few times that I am "small". Its starting to become an real issue for me now. I feel realy self concious about it when I'm around my girlfriend. She's said its ok, but I still seem to worry.
What are some safe and proven ways to make it bigger?
'Excercises' dont seem to do too much, and surgery seems really radical.
Pills sound like they work, but I am really reluctant to start taking. Are there any pills that are proven safe, effective? And do they make permenant changes (or does it go small again when you stop taking them for a month?)?
Thanks for your help and advice in advance
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Girth is the only thing that's important. No woman wants a penis rebounding off of her cervix. Are there women who like big ones? Oh yeah. Are they the majority of women? I doubt it.
Here is what you can, do though: use it as an incentive to not just be a master at giving her oral and good finger action, but also just talking to her. Women are, generally speaking, far more concerned with guys who make them feel secure and understood than just the size of the old flesh spear. After all, if you're going to couple up long term with someone, you have to be able to live with them and merely having a lengthy john thomas ain't gonna get it.
Incidentally, having what you term a small penis, does that make you understand how many women feel about their breasts?
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I know that the average size for a 12 year old is smaller and its hard to hide this giant thing when i erect is this normal? (link)
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Different people, different growth rates. Just be you and love it!
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i am a male in my early 20s and i have a very weird fetish that i dont know what to do about it. ok here it goes... i have a bald women fetish. sometimes i go on the internet looking for videos, pictures, and stories of women shaving thier heads completly bald. i dont what to do. i feel like a complte weirdo every time i look up stuff but i cant help it. and i dont think i will ever be able to be in a meaningful relationship because of it. i feel very conflicted because i also love long hair on girls. i dont know what i should do about this. i just hate feeling dirty and like a creep. (link)
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Relax. Different strokes for different folks. In the continuum of possible fetishes, this one is pretty benign. Certainly, a bald hairstyle (can I really call it that?) would be hella easy to maintain. I don't think too many women would find it creepy.
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I am 21and female. I am still a virgin and I really really want to have sex. But I have heard stories about having to a bone to actually have sex. I think it is called a hemen. Is this true. Does sex hurt for the first time? We have already decided on going through without protection, he is my fiancé and we want a child for our wedding present. We are planning to do it on the night of our honeymoon. We have done this before but no actually gone through with it like we are that night. He got his head in before we were interrupted by the police, apparently we're not supposed to have sex on a park bench. (link)
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Something obviously got messed up in translation. There are lots of good sites to read about having sexual intercourse online, so you might want to avail yourself of them.
The main thing you need is a moist vagina and an erect (often referred to by the slang term, "boner") penis and you're good to go.
It will hurt the first time even if the hymen has been broken because your vagina isn't used to having anything in it. To lessen the pain somewhat, you'll need to just relax. Let your body go limp when he is about to penetrate you and just kind of clear your mind (you should try this trick on roller coasters, too; you won't feel those g forces nearly as much!). He'll also need to be relaxed with a blank mind while he's thrusting so that he doesn't go off too soon. The longer you go into the sex session, the more pleasurable it will become.
The first 2-3 times you have sex it will hurt somewhat, but as you get into having sex regularly, that pain will become non-existent. Just remember that with this step in your lives it will take time for you two to really learn the other's sexual responses and having good sex is a learned skill. Be willing to tell him what you liked and what you didn't and to be willing to look up good information online together and carry an open mind in exploring your sexuality. And don't worry so much about what works for other people, only what works for you.
Have fun and good luck!
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I do and dont want to have oral sex with my boyfriend but im scared! the reasons i dont want to is because im afraid he wont like it or think i smell or something. But then again hes the one encouraging it and asking me if im comfortable doing it. Is it okay to do that with him? what can i do to calm my nerves? will i like it? will he like it?
Oh and im 15 and my boyfriend is 16 (link)
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Rule of thumb about any sex act: only do it when you're 100% on board with doing it.
As for the smell issue, if you've showered that day you should be okay unless you've sweat a lot or something. The best time is when you're freshly showered, of course.
If there is any kind of smell down there it is usually due to an easy to treat bacterial infection. If your boyfriend is like me, though, after the first time he does it he won't want to stop.
Also, you will need to communicate to him how you want him to do it using information gleaned from when you masturbated. Tell him if you want your clit sucked (many women can't take that kind of intense stimulation, others love it), and howmuch pressure you want with his tongue against your clit. He might also want to add some g spot stimulation to that with his fingers.
Finally, remember that you guys are still figuring each other out, so view it as a "let's see what happens we do this" kind of thing. Eventually, the quality of it will improve as you learn more about each other.
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how do you give a good first time blowjob???? (link)
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Actually, this is a lot easier than you think.
First, stay relaxed throughout the entire session.
Second, ask the person you're doing it for what they would like you to do. The reason that's important is because everybody is different and likes different sorts of stimulation. Absolutely demand, though, that he be clean down there before you do it. Doing it in the shower is very hot.
Warn the guy, though, to not force you to do anything by grabbing the back of your head or some crap like that and gagging you. Any sexual act is a learned skill. So give yourself time to become good at it. And if your mouth gets tired, you can use your hand on him.
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Well I'm 12 and obviously a virgin well last night in the bath you know that spray thing that some people have and you can wet your hair and stuff with it? Anyway I took that thing and put it down there and put the water on as high as it can go so that the most water comes out and it feels amazing well when I stopped I put my hand "down there"and there was a very little bit of light blood on my hand and then it wasn't bleeding again but its so sore and I can't close my legs or else its really sore and I can't walk properly I can't tell anyone in my family obviously because I would be dead for doing that! Pls help I really don't know what's wrong with me!! (link)
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What you did is really common. Water has abrasive properties to it, so if you use it too long you can cause a little bit of bleeding and soreness. No big deal. It'll heal. Just be more careful next time.
Also, masturbation is 100% normal. Don't feel guilty about it and it isn't dirty, especially id you're in the shower. *lol
Relax and enjoy.
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My boyfriend and I are 18 years old and we've been together for 2 years. I'm pretty certain we're in love.
Here's the problem: is it bad that I get jealous over the fact he masturbates to porn?
I know it's normal; I just can't help it. I don't masturbate (I just don't feel the need to) so the fact he looks at other girls bothers me sometimes. We have had huge arguments and disagreements over this in the past, initiated by me of course, where he has tried to constantly reassure me that every time he watches those videos, he thinks of him and I doing what they're doing.
I know he's attracted to me, I know he loves me, and we're generally doing very well.
He has been masturbating to porn during our whole relationship together. Before I found out how often (and got VERY upset), he masturbated once a day. I found out over a year into our relationship. I was (and still am) very hurt that he kept it a secret from me for that long.
I'm currently away at college during the week and I come home on weekends. I told him I was showering so I'll be right back in a text and he responded playfully saying, "Oh, touch yourself to me. ;)"
I got pretty mad at that point. I said, "Why should I touch myself to YOU, when you don't touch yourself to ME?"
He had nothing to say except "oh."
I hate feeling less than good enough. His "imagination isn't creative enough" so that's why he watches porn. He's been doing it for YEARS, that it's become a habit. We have made videos together in the past to fix this jealousy, but he ruined his phone with the memory card in it and we haven't had a chance to make anything since. (It's hard because we're rarely alone when we're together long enough to do so.)
It's not fair that "he's just a guy" is an excuse. It's not fair that boys can just get away with it and watch all the trashy, unrealistic porn that they want. I don't want him looking at someone else.
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First, I'm going to go after him a bit, but let me say that you are in no way blameless here.
I look at porn every now and again, About 99% of it is just stupid boring, tasteless, about as erotic as a wet cardboard box and the scenes often seems to be created by 14 year olds. You can often go for hours before you finally find something that is actually hot. When I have been in relationships, I didn't watch porn. It is disrespectful to your partner, it makes her feel inadequate and do you really want to be seen consuming something that is imbued with the faults I enumerated above?
HOWEVER, while I respect the fact that porno doesn't get you off (and that is a judgment each individual has to make for him or herself according to his/her sensibility), the fact is that you aren't available a lot of the time. Men are bestowed by nature with a high sex drive in order to procreate the species. This has good, bad and neutral aspects to it, but the fact is that how often a man gets sex is often tied, in his mind, with his self worth and esteem. Plus it just feels good.
So while I personally detest the fact that he views porn in your presence, your lack of sexual availability and seeming to be bereft of sexual playfulness almost forces him to seek relief through his own machinations. Now a lot of guys, because absence makes the heart grow horny, would cheat on you, but he apparently isn't. So now you get into a bit of moral relativism about, "well, he gets himself off to porn, but at least he doesn't go out with real meatspace women other than me."
To a degree, your problem in your relationship may be a mismatched libido. It's okay you don't want to masturbate (I had a girlfriend who had, or so she claimed, never masturbated in her life but she was a tiger when it when it came to having sex with me). Different people, different trips. But just because you might not get off on it doesn't mean other people don't enjoy it. Married couples do it (sometimes together, but also often alone), after all.
My advice to you is to step back emotionally on this and rationally have a discussion with your boyfriend that your sense of inadequacy when he looks at porn in your presence makes you feel less attractive and thus less willing to have sex with him. "Have some consideration for my feelings because if you don't, it makes me feel like you value the porn over me and it makes me feel less close to you, which disrupts the intimacy I feel with you" you could say. I think that's at the core of what is going on here.
Also, you have to keep in mind that your personal aesthetic judgment about porn is irrelevant. Different people like different stuff. I can't stand rap music, but millions love it and I just have to admit that's the case and get on with it.
Depending on his responses to my suggested conversation, you then need to put your big girl pants on and make a judgment as to whether the relationship has reached an impasse you will never be able to ford. If it has reached that point, then maybe dissolving the relationship would be best for the both of you.
But reasonable adults should be able to work this issue out unless there is an addiction issue that requires outside intervention involved. Let him view porn when you are gone during the week, but he doesn't get to view it while you're there. That makes you look reasonable, you're giving him an opportunity to take time off from porn and you've recognized that he is, indeed, a man with everything that entails.
Finally, no more recording you guys having sex. The rule of thumb is that EVERYTHING ends up online and the internet is forever.
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So I always thought that have your nipples played with, rubbed, kissed, sucked on, etc was suppose to be a huge turn on? Since there's so many nerves and stuff, idk. Well today me and a guy were messgin around and be started to suck on my nipples but it didn't really affect me at all, especially like I thought it would. I was just like oh okay. Why could this be? I thought maybe he just wasn't doing something right or he needed to spice it up a bit idk. Just curious! (link)
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You need to worry less about how you're "supposed" to react to a given stimulus and focus more on how you, as an individual, do. Everyone is different. What may be true for others may not be true for you. You can only be you.
It could be that you either don't think that having your nipples sucked is that erotic, you're not into the guy or maybe the guy wasn't doing it in a way you needed it to be done. And there could be answers beyond the three I posed. When it comes to sex, it's all about you in how you react to it, not others. So relax and enjoy sex on your own terms.
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I'm 14 years of age and a girl. I myself and others view me as responsible, up until recently to be honest. I spent the weekend with my best friend and one of the other girls we hang out with, my friends mum was out along with her older brother while her two younger siblings slept, we got bored and decided to go for a walk, after a while we invited these two guys (that only my best friend knew) to the park up the road. after a while my best friend went off to 'do things' and the other went walking. the remaining guy asked me to give him a blow job, i protested for over half an hour till i finally gave in. After 20 seconds of giving him a blow job (on and off, so more like 8 seconds :L) i felt extremely stupid and reviled... i ran off telling him i couldn't go through with it... later on in the night, i gave my "sort of" friend a hand job... i felt like a complete skank for the rest of the night and this entire week. I just need an anonymous opinion to help me figure out whether what i did was all that horrible.. Help!! (link)
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So let me see: you put yourself in a position that obviously confused you and did something a bit rash and now you're condemning yourself? Why? Listen, sometimes people (including both you and me) do stupid things. It happens. You aren't a skank. So stop it with that.
The most valuable thing you can do with this experiencing is analyze it and determine what you can learn. You definitely need to be stronger with setting personal boundaries. So do that. But don't overthink this, okay? Step back emotionally, realize what happened and make a decision about what will happen if you find yourself picking up guys with your friends again (maybe that isn't such a great idea?)
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So My boyfriend and I have been going through a hard time right now due to him cheating and us fighting all the time because I lost trust in him and he is doing nothing to gainit back. Anyways we were fooling around in bed last night and he started going "down there" I told him I didnt want to have sex at the moment he got mad at me right away and stormed off. When I went to talk to him he went on and on about how he doesnt feel loved anymore. I told him the reason I didnt want to or couldnt have sex was I, getting me monthly. He didnt even give me a chance earlier to explain that to him....I wasnt intending we stop fooling around just couldnt have sex but I could of done other but he didnt give me a chance. He just got mad and said whatever I dont like your shitty attitude and went back to bed and rolled over. I was quite upset but I am tired as it was after midnight and I have to be up by 5am for work so I fell asleep. Awhile later I slowly woke up to the bed shaking....he was laying there masturbating beside me and getting mad and sighing because i wasnt doing anything. I was so hurt by the way he acted earlier with such disrespect how could he think I would at all be interested in "taking care" of him hours later....this was around 3am! He started trying to force me to do it but I just pulled away and told him that his attitude towards me earlier hurt me and I dont think he is being too respectful now as to expect me to take care of him I am not just a skank I am supposed to be his love.....and there was no emotion, no apology nothing. Anyways he got the hint got pissed off again and said I should find another guy cause hes not for me.....I fell back asleep. We didnt talk much this morning he glared at me a few times trying to act tough and like nothing was bothering him. I was so tired and had enough I just got ready for work and got my son ready as well.
So what Im wondering about is how should I take his actions? Do I have a right to be upset? Please I need help.....I feel like he thinks of me more as a sex object for his needs more than anything. He is always talking/flirting/texting other girls and so on...he seems to be never satisfied with just me. Ive even caught him on dating sites this is why I dont trust him and I am finding it hard being close to him and with him acting this way it makes me feel unwanted and unloved. Please help! (link)
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First, take responsibility for still being with a guy who cheated on you. Short of leaving him, which is what you should do if you have any dignity, your complaints are rather empty.
"I feel like he thinks of me more as a sex object"
Clue alert! Men see women primarily as sex objects while women see men as economic objects. It's the way of the world, it's the way nature makes us, deal with it!
Okay, about the masturbation: married people do it all the time. Nothing wrong with it. Generally speaking, as long as the guy isn't screwing around on you and is attending to your sexual needs then his masturbating is not an issue.
Now about your relationship: it seems like neither of you has enough empathy, knowledge of how relationships work or personal maturity to make this work. He shouldn't have forced you to give him a handy or demanded you have sex with him while you were on your period. By the same token, though, men have high sex drives and if you don't do something about that he will seek people who will, you know what I'm saying? You could have ratcheted up your hotness factor by OFFERING to use your hand on him since you weren't available for intercourse. But you were so self centered that thought never crossed your mind.
My advice: end this farce that is your relationship, learn from your mistakes, grow up, find another guy and treat him well.
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hi 16/f my friends keep bugging me about my guy friend and i. apparently we look like we're going out, or are about to, i don't know. but they keep asking if we're in love, and i keep saying i dunno! how do you know if you're in love? i mean, i've never been in love, i don't think. how will i know when i've fallen in love with my guy friend? thank you (link)
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Does the guy friend make you feel horny? Do you feel butterflies in your stomach or get embarrassed easily around him? If not, he is just a friend, the poor schmuck.
Listen, I'll break it to you right now: the guy wants to be your boyfriend but is too much of a pussy to make an overt move on you. You would be doing a kindness to him by telling him that he is in the dreaded "friend zone" from whence he shall never advance. Then he can make a decision as to whether he wants to waste more time on you or, as he should do, seek other companionship.
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Hello, my name's Brent, and I'm 20. I'm in a bit of a pickle with my girl friend's best friend. She doesn't like me. At all. And I don't get why! Anyway, if it's real love, it shouldn't matter what anyone thinks about it, right? But... I can't stop thinking about it! I REALLY want her BFF's approval. Why is that? Why do I care? It shouldn't matter, yet I keep sucking up to her, like laughing at her jokes, opening doors for her, etc. Now keep in mind, I DO NOT love the BFF in the slightest. But I like her as a person, and I DESPERATELY want her approval. So, my question, why do I want her approval so badly? Thanks folks! (link)
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Wow, you're quite the pleaser, aren't you?
Look guy, it is inevitable you will encounter people you don't see eye to eye with because everyone has a different sensibility. So stop worry about her friend!
Now, if her friend is around when you want private time with your girl that is a problem. I actually broke up with a chick once, in part, because her friends were morons and were around way more than I wanted. Talking to her about it did no good, so I hit the eject button on the relationship.
I recommended a reading of Sartre's No Exit for you.
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I am a 29 year old mother of 2 and have been with my fiance for 3 years now. We had been seeing each other secretly for 3 months when he hooked up with another woman to. They saw each other for 3 months before I found out. They ended and I decided to continue with him. When it finally came out we were dating his ex girl friend stopped by his house and said she had slept with him a month before and had been at his house the day before this and the previous day I started to leave but he talked me out of . after I moved in he started talking to the girl he had the 3 month fling with again. I moved out a month later but went back. he will not tell me his feelings but will txt em and has admitted to putting video cameras outside the house to watch what I do while he's at work he is addicted to the tv, never asks about my past, changes his routines and never takes responsibility for nething. if I have a problem with him he instantly has a problem with me. his parenting style is lax while mine is much more strick. I don't feel comfortable telling his daughter what to do and he rarely tells her nething But is quick to tell mine. we hardly communicate and I Just am not happy nemore. he asked me to marry him during an arguement then said I ruined the surprise because I didn't trust him when all I did was ask a question. someone please help me. I love him but I'm tired of living like this. (link)
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Here is what is happening:
You feel extremely insecure about yourself to the point where you are being cheated on and won't leave a guy who is basically saying you aren't woman enough for him.
So your choice is to either stand up for yourself as a fully realized adult and completely end it or to endure ongoing misery. When you don't have trust in a relationship you have no basis by which to continue it. What you have right now is basically a pantomime relationship. Ball's in your court.
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My boyfriend is doing steroids and ever since he's been doing them he's like a different person. I hate it and we always fight. I know couples fight but this is constant everyday fighting. I really can't take this anymore. I've asked him to stop taking them because its affecting us but he won't. Let alone I'm sitting back watching him destroy his body by putting this crap in it. I really can't do this anymore but all he does is tell me to calm down and it's fine and everything, but I know its not. What should I do? (link)
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Steroids make dysfunctional sexual partners because they are symptomatic of underlying insecurity, not to mention that they vastly increase the risks of you suffering abuse from one of his "'roid rage" episodes.
Not only that, but some carry side effects that can cause birth defects if you're exposed to them if you decide to procreate with this loser.
Moreover, steroids are controlled substances under federal law, so your boyfriend may end up in the slammer some day if he continues using them. Not to mention the tragic longterm effects of unregulated steroid use such as diminished sperm count and kidney and liver diseases.
Listen, the guy needs drugs to make himself feel whole. This should be a big red flag. Go find yourself another guy who is more secure and confident in himself that he is a natural born man and not one manufactured by Pfizer.
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So i like this guy and he used to like me but im not sure about it anymore .. we flirt alot but i think he's playing .. I hung out with him like two weeks ago but he had a gf at the time and i wanted to kiss him so bad.. i didnt think i'd like him as much as i do but :/ ..how do i know if he feels the same way? he said im his bestfriend/potential girlfriend..
just tell me straight up please? help (link)
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I think that because women are so competitive with each other that what is really driving your desire for this guy is the titillation of taking him away from his girlfriend or getting one up on her by kissing him behind her back. This is not a good character trait. Plus players gotta play and he will play with other girls if you get with him. So be a big girl and walk away from this situation, okay? You can't be so insecure you need validation by falling for a player, right?
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2 months ago me and my bf of 1 year broke up. He still loves me and i hung out with another guy and did stuff he found out and hes really upset and i understand why :(. He is crazy in love with me and hes not abusive or anything towards me. My mom wants to get a restraining order on him and i don't want that, i really don't :(. I'm 18 years old is there anyway i can stop my mom from doing that? Please help i am going insane about this all! (link)
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You gotta cut the guy off. A restraining order is a bridge too far if there is no stalker-type behavior going on, but there is probably something in you that likes the fact that this guy still wants you even after the relationship ended. That's pretty cruel to be frank and if I were your current boyfriend I would be concerned about your inability to make a clean break with your ex. You look a bit manipulative, actually. So start cutting the guy off and, after a while, he'll move his attentions to another girl and your current boyfriend will feel more secure about being with you.
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I always had the perfect words to say to my gf but after almost a year now I ran out of cute things to say, I always quoted movies and songs but now she's with me most of the time so it kinda makes things hard for me to quote something she hasn't heard yet... Please help!!! :( (link)
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Yeah, this is a really common guy conundrum. There are online quote dictionaries, but what you have to remind yourself about that the thing she most wants from you is to feel close to you by you understanding her. This is easy to do.
1. Try to listen more to her underlying motivation for saying what she is and then repeat it back to her in your own words. "What I'm hearing from is is...."
2. Don't ever call her names since this undermines how secure she feels in the relationship.
3. Women are security focused. So hone in on doing things that strengthen that feeling. Don't kiss up to her because women hate that since it shows a lack of confidence. Just say things like, "hey, I heard a lot about this restaurant, let's go check it out!" That way, you're not asking her, you're taking a leadership position and you indicated that her company is important to you without kissing her butt.
4. Let her know that her opinion is important to you and that reasonable people can disagree when you don't feel the same way about something she does. That shows her she can be her in the relationship and that you aren't looking for her to be someone else or something else. "My view of this movie is ...., what do you think?" 'Yeah, I hear where you're coming from. What you're saying is that...." Do you see what I'm saying?
You can repeat yourself very occasionally with those lines, too. But don't do it to the point it becomes fingernails on a chalkboard. Read lots of books since it differentiates you from the legions of guys who just camp in front of the tv night after night, it helps your thinking become more nuanced and she'll just think you're overall a smarter person than you may, in fact be.
So diversify your portfolio of things to like about you rather than just trying to be Henny Youngman or Groucho Marx. Somebody who is "on" all the time can be really annoying plus it is imbued with a lot of pressure on the person trying to be so. Learn an instrument and then play songs for her. Guitars get chicks, dude, but only if you get good at it. And you don't want to whip it out on her until you're good at it.
Finally, what do you get out of all this? Are you getting what you want out of the relationship? Or do you find yourself working way too hard for the return you're getting or are you getting off on it? If the cost-benefit side of the relationship comes out with more costs then benefit then you need to go elsewhere.
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So I starting seeing this one guy a few months back. Nothing too serious came of it, but we became great friends and hang out whenever we can. The only downfall to this guy is that he rarely has some to spare. He works full time in the military yet is determined, intelligent, funny, loving, has a balanced lifestyle and when we are together he makes me smile alot. Not to mention he loves cooking from scratch/learning about food which I like because I am a chef. Yes, I do want to date him because he is one of those rare/perfect guys that I can connect with. BUt I guess I'm unsure cuz he isn't always going to be there for me, cuz of his job. That is one of the things I look for in a guy; to know that he is reliable and will be there for me when I may need him. I'm not saying I don't appreciate what he does I'm just saying I like a guy that I can spend more time with, go out with more... kiss more often. I do love every minute I spent with him so far.
Now, guy number two came along... We met a couple months after I met the 1st and this guy is sort of the opposite of #1. He is sweet, kind, loving, sincere, everything I've wanted in a boyfriend annnd he cooks too. But, he has his downfalls as well.. he is really insecure because of his last gf controlling his life for the past 7 years. I have to remind him he's a good guy because he lacks confidence (turn off for me) and he needs reassurance. It's not his fault, his past (ex) made him this way. Yet when I'm with him and he is being himself, I feel this connection that's maybe a bit stronger than with the 1st guy.. the problem is just that he can't let go of his past to let me into his future. If he could I think we'd be perfect together too...
My feelings are so confused right now, I'm falling for both guys. I know I really enjoy both their company and they both have their ups and downs. I just don't know which one I should make my bf, they both want to date me ?? How do I know which one is right for me? I feel stuck in the middle. (link)
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Well, your relationship with the first guy is impossible. Absence, I like to say, makes the heart grow horny and that works on both the male and female sides of the equation. So as good as the first guy is given what life in the military is, you have to write that one off.
As for the second guy, what typically goes on with women is that they have security issues. When a guy isn't confident, a woman perceives that as someone who won't take chances and be aggressive enough to do what is necessary to be successful in a life where money=security. At bottom, this is why his lack of confidence has you asking questions. Guys see women as sex objects and women see men as economic objects.
It is also objectively true that there are thousands of guys out there who would be good for you. So you can't put all your eggs in one or two baskets. By the same token, you can't expect men to be perfect, either. We are all faulty in some way and so are you. You should also not get into a codependent situation where you are trying to rescue the second guy from his old girlfriend's predations. You also have to recognize that there are a hell of a lot of guys out there with self esteem issues who, at bottom, are fine with the woman calling the shots or being the more extroverted partner because it then takes the stress off of him for those things. So you need to ask him about this. I can say that as an introvert myself I have always tended to end up with women who were much more extroverted and social than me. It's not something I consciously seek out, but that is what ends up happening. He may be the same way.
The irony here is that one thing that drives me crazy about women is their tendency to pick at themselves for faults that often to seem be purely imaginary. That you find a guy who is kind of like that is ironic to me. Nevertheless, you have to determine where confidence ranks in the list of qualities you need in a guy and how it will affect your ability to value and love the second guy five, ten, 15 years down the road. You can't make a guy more inherently confident, only just make him feel secure about his place in your relationship. There is a basic way to do this ("I'm so glad to be with you and you're just what I need"), but you also have to be honest with yourself and ask whether you want to be his personal cheerleader throughout his life of if you want a guy who is more his own best advocate.
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hello..my name is max.i come to seek help because i dont want to loose my wife thats been with me for 17 years.these couple of years have been rough for both of us financially and emotionally.recently me and my wife had a big argument that dint have a good out come of it.there was insecurity issues involved hurtfull words.and things that shoulnt have been said.i left the house for the same exact reason not to argue with her and let things just cool down.its been over 3 weeks and she still doesnt want to work things out.i have how ever apologise multiple times to her and the kids.but when i try to have a regular conversation with her she just attacts me and reminds me of the hurtfull words i said to her...please help me out ...i love my wife and i dont want to loose her... (link)
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This is why couples at the outset of their relationship need to discuss rules on how they will argue.
When you fling insults, they are meant to challenge the value of the person being thus accused as a human being. Women are very security focused and you have made her feel unattractive, insecure and stupid. She may also have finally reached a point of having had it up to here with your negative feedback and is on the way to checking out of the relationship.
It is no wonder that this happened due to financial stress. It's also not like she's completely blame free, either. Money issues push a woman's buttons because it affects her need for security and sometimes they reflect that in ways that aren't wholly constructive. This is why financial issues are probably the leading cause of marriage breakups because, let's face it, marriage is a kind of corporation.
The only way you are going to save this marriage is rebuild it from the ground up. Start looking at this like you just met her and have to court her again. Write romantic notes to her, take her out to dinner, help her more with the housework, make her feel like a valued human being again. If she refuses those overtures or they don't seem to be doing much good then you'll know your relationship has reached its expiration date.
But let me give you some more tips here as to how to argue:
1. Don't personalize a problem.
2. Listen to not just her words, but try to divine what is driving her to say what she is. Repeat back in your own words what you are hearing from her (because women, most of all, want to be UNDERSTOOD and not just HEARD), ask for clarification if you're not sure your summation is correct and move on from there. And be willing to admit when you don't know something.
3. Guys are afraid of being shown up by women and so they use a lot of bs gambits to try to retain power in an argument. This gets you nowhere. She's a civilized human being, too, and you guys got married on a putatatively equal basis. Men tend to be dominance focused, which only exacerbates this problem. So accept that you have to throw your need for control out the window and instead conform to whatever the facts of a given case dictate to you.
4. Propose ways you can solve the problem TOGETHER.
5. Listen, many women are idiots. Sorry, but it's true. But so are a lot of guys and the way you composed your post betrays a real lack of verbal acuity, at the very least. Recognize your limitation in that regard and find a way to get around her own foibles so that you can put an argument on a productive course. Say things like, "well, what I'm afraid of in the way this impacts us...." or "from where I stand, this is how things look. What's your take on it?" And when she gives you a response that may not necessarily be insightful or just plain dumb, you can sort of play it off by saying, well, I'm not sure that gets us to where we need to be, but how about....?" This makes her feel like what she thinks is indeed important to you without attacking her for perhaps raising something that isn't workable or worse.
Finally, you ultimately have to be realistic about your relationship. Ask yourself why you married her and be dead honest about it. Are you getting what you need out of it? Or do you actually kind of dread being with her? In other words, you're doing a cost-benefit analysis. If the costs outweigh the benefit then you have to file for divorce. Life is short, so be rational about it.
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