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Choose Between Two Guys?
So I starting seeing this one guy a few months back. Nothing too serious came of it, but we became great friends and hang out whenever we can. The only downfall to this guy is that he rarely has some to spare. He works full time in the military yet is determined, intelligent, funny, loving, has a balanced lifestyle and when we are together he makes me smile alot. Not to mention he loves cooking from scratch/learning about food which I like because I am a chef. Yes, I do want to date him because he is one of those rare/perfect guys that I can connect with. BUt I guess I'm unsure cuz he isn't always going to be there for me, cuz of his job. That is one of the things I look for in a guy; to know that he is reliable and will be there for me when I may need him. I'm not saying I don't appreciate what he does I'm just saying I like a guy that I can spend more time with, go out with more... kiss more often. I do love every minute I spent with him so far.
Now, guy number two came along... We met a couple months after I met the 1st and this guy is sort of the opposite of #1. He is sweet, kind, loving, sincere, everything I've wanted in a boyfriend annnd he cooks too. But, he has his downfalls as well.. he is really insecure because of his last gf controlling his life for the past 7 years. I have to remind him he's a good guy because he lacks confidence (turn off for me) and he needs reassurance. It's not his fault, his past (ex) made him this way. Yet when I'm with him and he is being himself, I feel this connection that's maybe a bit stronger than with the 1st guy.. the problem is just that he can't let go of his past to let me into his future. If he could I think we'd be perfect together too...
My feelings are so confused right now, I'm falling for both guys. I know I really enjoy both their company and they both have their ups and downs. I just don't know which one I should make my bf, they both want to date me ?? How do I know which one is right for me? I feel stuck in the middle.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Well, your relationship with the first guy is impossible. Absence, I like to say, makes the heart grow horny and that works on both the male and female sides of the equation. So as good as the first guy is given what life in the military is, you have to write that one off.
As for the second guy, what typically goes on with women is that they have security issues. When a guy isn't confident, a woman perceives that as someone who won't take chances and be aggressive enough to do what is necessary to be successful in a life where money=security. At bottom, this is why his lack of confidence has you asking questions. Guys see women as sex objects and women see men as economic objects.
It is also objectively true that there are thousands of guys out there who would be good for you. So you can't put all your eggs in one or two baskets. By the same token, you can't expect men to be perfect, either. We are all faulty in some way and so are you. You should also not get into a codependent situation where you are trying to rescue the second guy from his old girlfriend's predations. You also have to recognize that there are a hell of a lot of guys out there with self esteem issues who, at bottom, are fine with the woman calling the shots or being the more extroverted partner because it then takes the stress off of him for those things. So you need to ask him about this. I can say that as an introvert myself I have always tended to end up with women who were much more extroverted and social than me. It's not something I consciously seek out, but that is what ends up happening. He may be the same way.
The irony here is that one thing that drives me crazy about women is their tendency to pick at themselves for faults that often to seem be purely imaginary. That you find a guy who is kind of like that is ironic to me. Nevertheless, you have to determine where confidence ranks in the list of qualities you need in a guy and how it will affect your ability to value and love the second guy five, ten, 15 years down the road. You can't make a guy more inherently confident, only just make him feel secure about his place in your relationship. There is a basic way to do this ("I'm so glad to be with you and you're just what I need"), but you also have to be honest with yourself and ask whether you want to be his personal cheerleader throughout his life of if you want a guy who is more his own best advocate.
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I always say go with number two. If number one was so amazing you wouldn't have a number two!
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