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i need advice on keeping my marriage together
hello..my name is max.i come to seek help because i dont want to loose my wife thats been with me for 17 years.these couple of years have been rough for both of us financially and emotionally.recently me and my wife had a big argument that dint have a good out come of it.there was insecurity issues involved hurtfull words.and things that shoulnt have been said.i left the house for the same exact reason not to argue with her and let things just cool down.its been over 3 weeks and she still doesnt want to work things out.i have how ever apologise multiple times to her and the kids.but when i try to have a regular conversation with her she just attacts me and reminds me of the hurtfull words i said to her...please help me out ...i love my wife and i dont want to loose her...
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This is why couples at the outset of their relationship need to discuss rules on how they will argue.
When you fling insults, they are meant to challenge the value of the person being thus accused as a human being. Women are very security focused and you have made her feel unattractive, insecure and stupid. She may also have finally reached a point of having had it up to here with your negative feedback and is on the way to checking out of the relationship.
It is no wonder that this happened due to financial stress. It's also not like she's completely blame free, either. Money issues push a woman's buttons because it affects her need for security and sometimes they reflect that in ways that aren't wholly constructive. This is why financial issues are probably the leading cause of marriage breakups because, let's face it, marriage is a kind of corporation.
The only way you are going to save this marriage is rebuild it from the ground up. Start looking at this like you just met her and have to court her again. Write romantic notes to her, take her out to dinner, help her more with the housework, make her feel like a valued human being again. If she refuses those overtures or they don't seem to be doing much good then you'll know your relationship has reached its expiration date.
But let me give you some more tips here as to how to argue:
1. Don't personalize a problem.
2. Listen to not just her words, but try to divine what is driving her to say what she is. Repeat back in your own words what you are hearing from her (because women, most of all, want to be UNDERSTOOD and not just HEARD), ask for clarification if you're not sure your summation is correct and move on from there. And be willing to admit when you don't know something.
3. Guys are afraid of being shown up by women and so they use a lot of bs gambits to try to retain power in an argument. This gets you nowhere. She's a civilized human being, too, and you guys got married on a putatatively equal basis. Men tend to be dominance focused, which only exacerbates this problem. So accept that you have to throw your need for control out the window and instead conform to whatever the facts of a given case dictate to you.
4. Propose ways you can solve the problem TOGETHER.
5. Listen, many women are idiots. Sorry, but it's true. But so are a lot of guys and the way you composed your post betrays a real lack of verbal acuity, at the very least. Recognize your limitation in that regard and find a way to get around her own foibles so that you can put an argument on a productive course. Say things like, "well, what I'm afraid of in the way this impacts us...." or "from where I stand, this is how things look. What's your take on it?" And when she gives you a response that may not necessarily be insightful or just plain dumb, you can sort of play it off by saying, well, I'm not sure that gets us to where we need to be, but how about....?" This makes her feel like what she thinks is indeed important to you without attacking her for perhaps raising something that isn't workable or worse.
Finally, you ultimately have to be realistic about your relationship. Ask yourself why you married her and be dead honest about it. Are you getting what you need out of it? Or do you actually kind of dread being with her? In other words, you're doing a cost-benefit analysis. If the costs outweigh the benefit then you have to file for divorce. Life is short, so be rational about it.
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I'm not sure what you said to her but I doubt it's the only issue tearing you apart or important to her. It's a bunch of things that has come to the surface and boiling over to be dealt with.
What you need to do is tell her you love her and don't want to loose her. Ask her if she would like to find a professional marriage counselor to work through the problems and restore harmony to the home. It's the best option for you both and the welfare of your kids. I'm sure she will come down from current feelings soon but your overall issue and marriage needs professional help to get better.
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