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my boyfriend watches porn
My boyfriend and I are 18 years old and we've been together for 2 years. I'm pretty certain we're in love.
Here's the problem: is it bad that I get jealous over the fact he masturbates to porn?
I know it's normal; I just can't help it. I don't masturbate (I just don't feel the need to) so the fact he looks at other girls bothers me sometimes. We have had huge arguments and disagreements over this in the past, initiated by me of course, where he has tried to constantly reassure me that every time he watches those videos, he thinks of him and I doing what they're doing.
I know he's attracted to me, I know he loves me, and we're generally doing very well.
He has been masturbating to porn during our whole relationship together. Before I found out how often (and got VERY upset), he masturbated once a day. I found out over a year into our relationship. I was (and still am) very hurt that he kept it a secret from me for that long.
I'm currently away at college during the week and I come home on weekends. I told him I was showering so I'll be right back in a text and he responded playfully saying, "Oh, touch yourself to me. ;)"
I got pretty mad at that point. I said, "Why should I touch myself to YOU, when you don't touch yourself to ME?"
He had nothing to say except "oh."
I hate feeling less than good enough. His "imagination isn't creative enough" so that's why he watches porn. He's been doing it for YEARS, that it's become a habit. We have made videos together in the past to fix this jealousy, but he ruined his phone with the memory card in it and we haven't had a chance to make anything since. (It's hard because we're rarely alone when we're together long enough to do so.)
It's not fair that "he's just a guy" is an excuse. It's not fair that boys can just get away with it and watch all the trashy, unrealistic porn that they want. I don't want him looking at someone else.
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First, I'm going to go after him a bit, but let me say that you are in no way blameless here.
I look at porn every now and again, About 99% of it is just stupid boring, tasteless, about as erotic as a wet cardboard box and the scenes often seems to be created by 14 year olds. You can often go for hours before you finally find something that is actually hot. When I have been in relationships, I didn't watch porn. It is disrespectful to your partner, it makes her feel inadequate and do you really want to be seen consuming something that is imbued with the faults I enumerated above?
HOWEVER, while I respect the fact that porno doesn't get you off (and that is a judgment each individual has to make for him or herself according to his/her sensibility), the fact is that you aren't available a lot of the time. Men are bestowed by nature with a high sex drive in order to procreate the species. This has good, bad and neutral aspects to it, but the fact is that how often a man gets sex is often tied, in his mind, with his self worth and esteem. Plus it just feels good.
So while I personally detest the fact that he views porn in your presence, your lack of sexual availability and seeming to be bereft of sexual playfulness almost forces him to seek relief through his own machinations. Now a lot of guys, because absence makes the heart grow horny, would cheat on you, but he apparently isn't. So now you get into a bit of moral relativism about, "well, he gets himself off to porn, but at least he doesn't go out with real meatspace women other than me."
To a degree, your problem in your relationship may be a mismatched libido. It's okay you don't want to masturbate (I had a girlfriend who had, or so she claimed, never masturbated in her life but she was a tiger when it when it came to having sex with me). Different people, different trips. But just because you might not get off on it doesn't mean other people don't enjoy it. Married couples do it (sometimes together, but also often alone), after all.
My advice to you is to step back emotionally on this and rationally have a discussion with your boyfriend that your sense of inadequacy when he looks at porn in your presence makes you feel less attractive and thus less willing to have sex with him. "Have some consideration for my feelings because if you don't, it makes me feel like you value the porn over me and it makes me feel less close to you, which disrupts the intimacy I feel with you" you could say. I think that's at the core of what is going on here.
Also, you have to keep in mind that your personal aesthetic judgment about porn is irrelevant. Different people like different stuff. I can't stand rap music, but millions love it and I just have to admit that's the case and get on with it.
Depending on his responses to my suggested conversation, you then need to put your big girl pants on and make a judgment as to whether the relationship has reached an impasse you will never be able to ford. If it has reached that point, then maybe dissolving the relationship would be best for the both of you.
But reasonable adults should be able to work this issue out unless there is an addiction issue that requires outside intervention involved. Let him view porn when you are gone during the week, but he doesn't get to view it while you're there. That makes you look reasonable, you're giving him an opportunity to take time off from porn and you've recognized that he is, indeed, a man with everything that entails.
Finally, no more recording you guys having sex. The rule of thumb is that EVERYTHING ends up online and the internet is forever.
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you should watch it with him, maybe change your opinion a little bit on it. i am all for a good porn scene if it spices things up a little bit. So instead of complaining about it, learn to use it to your advantage.
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Let's say that you enjoy romance movies. You enjoy watching movies with unrealistically beautiful men with amazingly perfect jobs treating women unbelievably well. It's an escape fantasy for you in this case, right? Would your boyfriend have the right to get mad at you? Porn is the same for others.
"He's just a guy" isn't an excuse. Really, he doesn't need an excuse. Excusing a behaviour implies that there's something wrong with it, and watching porn is not a crime (unless you live somewhere where it's illegal). Believe it or not, both men and women watch porn, and there are all types, from trashy and unrealistic to porn directed towards women and couples. I watch porn regularly, sometimes alone and sometimes with my husband. It's not necessarily a bad thing.
It doesn't make you a bad person being jealous, but it is bad that you are. Why is it bad? Because it's harming you and it's harming your relationship. You can't change someone else's behaviour, but you can change your reactions to it.
If your boyfriend was cheating on you, or flirting excessively with other women, or spending all his money in strip clubs, I'd advise that you set an ultimatum. However, in this case you really need to look into whether this is worth it or not. Are you willing to lose him over porn? If not, then you're going to have to look to yourself first, not him.
It's entirely possible to compromise on this. For example, my husband used to watch a particular type of porn that I felt led him to develop unrealistic expectations for our sex life. I reminded him that I don't mind him watching porn so long as it doesn't cause problems, and told him that I'm really not comfortable with him watching this particular type. He's stopped, and things are just dandy now. If you set boundaries within your comfort zone (frequency, type, etc) that are reasonable, without putting direct restrictions on his behaviours, he's far more likely to meet you in the middle. You can't control others, but compromise is totally possible in a relationship.
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