TimothyDanger's advice column

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Q: Ok so I was in a relationship with my ex for 2 and a half years..and he broke up with me in april, I'm really glad he did break up with me and all...and i currently have a new boyfriend who's very sweet :) and is the best thing that happen to me, but sometimes i still think bout my ex, I don't love my ex anymore, yet he pops up in my mind. so are there tips that could help me forget bout him?

It is natural for him to pop into your mind. Two and a half years is a long time for anything to become a good or a bad habit. It is good to hear that you do realize you have a good thing going now, and you don't love your ex anymore. A lot of times the questions I answer are about helping people not want to run back to their old situation because they are afraid of being alone.

I say never forget. The lessons you learned in that relationship are going to make you a better girl for your new boyfriend. But also remember the reasons you aren't with him anymore... just in case you get too nostalgic.

Q: Hi, my boyfriend & I have been together for about 6 months now. I'm 21 & he is 28. He is currently living in an apartment by himself, I am living in a townhouse with two of my girlfriends. He told me the other day that he wants to move forward in our relationship by us moving in together. I feel that we are ready, but I've seen a lot of my friends relationships fail when they moved in together too soon. Do you think that us moving in together this far into our relationship is too soon? My mom feels that we should be married before we move in together. I kind of agree with her, but I also feel like living in the same house/apartment with my boyfriend would be amazing! I just need some opinions... THANK YOU :)

You're 21. You're an adult and can do what you want... I will say this and leave it at that...

You know all those nights you spend with your girlfriends staying up, maybe going out, and doing whatever you want? They will be fewer and far between.
Don't get me wrong, I'm sure the two of you have had a fantastic 6 months together... but think about the last BIG fight you had.. remember the one where you went home really mad, and didn't talk to him or see him for a few days until he apologized? Now picture being in the same house with nowhere to go... awkward.

Moving in with your main squeeze can sound awesome, and sometimes it is... but the truth is, anything after a while gets complacent. My advice is to live apart for at least a year and ask yourself this question again. The truth is you sound like you have the perfect setup now, you live with two of your girlfriends, and your boyfriend has his own apartment you can spend private time with when you want.
Hold onto that as long as you can girl... before you know it you're gonna be sharing bank accounts, free time and everything else, this can wait awhile.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

Q: My boyfriends ex girl friend will sometimes text my boyfriend and tell him that she wishes things would have worked out differently in their relationship & that she misses him. She'll also tell him that he isn't truly happy with me & that he's just using me as a rebound. He won't change his number due to work reasons, and he keeps telling her that she needs to stop texting. This is really upsetting me because I dont want him to listen to her & start thinking that he really isnt happy with me & he'll take her back. He says that he would never do that to me & I believe him. Its just the fact... Should I confront her myself or leave it to him to handle?

Whatever you do, you should not be the one to confront her. Remember... what you want is to be the opposite of what she is. She crazy... you're sane and calm and calculated. That's why he likes you... you're not dramaville.

Check it. Ex girl is crazy because she's the one who's not snuggling up with someone right now. Breakups are usually a two way street so we'll never know the real reasons they broke up (two sides to every story) but he's obviously a nice guy or she wouldn't be trying to get him back.

Eventually she will have to stop. He of course needs to tell her to stop and that if you are a rebound, then only time will tell but she has to respect his wishes now.

And everytime that chick is calling or texting him, don't get mad, remember that she is driving another nail into her coffin of ex-ville population one and driving you two even closer together.

Q: So, I am 18f. I have a boyfriend that is the sweetest guy I have ever met. He has a sense of humour, a great personality, and a loving heart. What I am wondering is how can I get him to try new things? I love upbeat music, dancing, sports, and art... where he loves things like hard metal, football, and horses. He hasn't said he loves me yet, but you can just tell how he feels when he is with me. I just have a hard time really connecting to him on a deeper level. Sure he is a sweet, awesome guy, but I still wonder if we are ever going to be able to connect on a different level, you know what I mean? I just think that when you find that one person and you truly love them, you should be able to connect with them, be able to tell them anything, and have that romantic spark in your relationship. I don't feel that I have that level of a relationship with him even though he is a great guy otherwise. I sometimes feel like I should be dating someone I can connect with on a deeper level. I am not going to just give him up though because I feel this way. What do you think I should do? Should I be staying with him and then if I ever find someone I can relate with better... choose that person? Please help me, thanks!

You can't "change" a person. Some people like to try new things, others are set in their ways. Not that there is anything wrong with that. I am a big believer in opposites attracting as well. It just depends on the person. If you feel that you aren't connecting with him as much as you would like to, but he seems content with the way things going, maybe it is your restless spirit that makes you wonder.
You might have to take action and ask yourself what you want before "wonder" turns into "wander" though. The worst thing you could do is be unhappy or unsatisfied and never tell him. You can always mention that you would like to try new things with him because they are important to you and see how he takes it. I do believe that if you have to be comfortable with his choices of entertainment he should deal with yours to an extent as well. If he is unwilling to compromise on that (you are suggesting trying new things remember... not changing him) than maybe he isn't for you. Relationships are built on communication and trust. If he's unwilling to say... go see an art gallery with you for just a day... maybe you may want to rethink things
good luck

Q: I am a 15 yr. old girl. 2 days ago a guy was asking me really awkward questions like: would i date him? when would i have sex? etc...(i ignored these) then he put his arm around me and was grabbing at my side. the next day he asked me to the homecoming dance, but i thought he was joking so i said no immediately and he walked off. Now what should i do?
*please understand that i'm really shy and socially awkward!

Look.. I'm not shy and neither is the crew I know... but no one I know would ask a girl out like that. There's charm and finesse involved cause you got to let her know you like her and your asking her out.

Dont get me wrong your young, and so was he. He probably doesnt even know how to ask a girl out. The main thing is he learns eventually, and him bombing out with you when you told him no sends a message that asking personal questions right out and grabbing at you isnt this best way to woo a girl.

It's cool you're shy. That's not a crime. Girls like you always have the best things to say and the best observations. Someone is going to find that super cool. Until then, be wour awesome self.

Q: im a 22 year old female the person im getting to know is 22 male i met in 8th grade of middle school almost 10 years ago and we went to the same high school also but we never talked, i was very shy and he was more outgoing and popular..so now he came to my job and remembered me,he told me he had a crush on me in middle school and always wanted to get to know me..so after that we talk & are getting to now each other.he was in a relationship for almost 6 years and has 3 kids. his ex had cheated on him.. the longest relationship i had was 5 months & i have no kids. we found out we have many things in common like music,movies ,we both have 2jobs & stuff like that.so after a week of getting to know each other he asks me to be his girlfriend i said yes cause i was really starting to like him.after 3 days he told me he was sorry but he thought he went to fast & he just wasnt ready for a relationship yet, but still wants to get to know me well & wants us to be a couple in the future. i understood perfectly. we still talk/text almost everyday & we go out once in a while. the last time we went out he kissed me & i know i should of stopped it but i like him he says he likes me. it feels wrong cause we are not a couple. but im confused. what if he is only using me maybe to forget of his ex. i feel like im not his type. he has had much more experience than i have i still live with my parents because i help them. i have 2 jobs but is still treated like a teenager by my parents even though im 22.im still shy around him so what kind of questions should i ask him?? how do i ask him if he really does like me? do u think its right to go out with him? i would like advice if anyone has had experince this how do u think this relationship will turn out?

Well it really depends on how long he has been OUT of his long term relationship. 6 years is a long time, plus he has baggage.. (kids) I'm not saying he's not a great guy... but if you havent given him enough time, you are going to be the rebound chick. (and rebounds never last)

Look... it depends on what you want. Maybe he is using you to try and forget. It's a long term relationship and those things are like gnawing off your own arm. You may have to resign yourself to the fact that you will always come in second to his kids and that his ex will ALWAYS be in some way part of his life. It sucks, but that's why you have to make the choice if he is ready to date you or not. (It doesnt sound like he is) I would say after a 6 year relationship he's not ready for anything SERIOUS for at least a year and a half to two years... I'm just telling the truth.
That doesn't mean you cant have fun though. You can casually date him if you want. See how it feels to hang out, be a little physical, etc. No one's saying you have to move in with him. The company might do you both good. The problem is one person usually cares more than the other and he sounds a little messed up inside still.
Tread carefully, I may be full of crap, but I doubt it cause I'm a pretty awesome advice dude

Q: 15/f

Okay, well my friend was talking to this guy that's been "eyein'" me lately. He asked if I was a virgin & she told him the truth, which is I'm not. He said he wasn't interested anymore.

Do guys automatically not like you after you've lost your virginity? Maybe because I'm not "pure/new" any more? Idk.

I just lost it recently. My reasons are selfish... I was lonely & felt completely unwanted. I've lost everybody this past year & I just don't know how to deal with my b.s. Am I going to lose everyone just because I lost my virginity? I know it sounds stupid, but any answer helps.

Trust me guys dont automatically dislike you. Theyre guys.

Just be you, it's nobodys business but yours.

Q: I broke up with my ex boyfriend a month ago. And I regret it so much. I realized all of the bad ways i treated him and now I feel guilty. I was the one that kept breaking up with me after a little fight and he always came back. It reassured me he still loved me when he came back, but now he hasn't. And i learned my lesson and I'm depressed now because of all this guilt I have inside. I want to apologize to him in person about the times I broke up with him and the way I acted. Do you think I should tell him now? Or wait for a few months and tell him? I still love him and want him back. I don't want to push him away if I tell him how I feel. Please give me your input

This may suck for you to hear.. but let me lay it down for you in honest truth. You can tell him everything. But don't expect an answer or for it to be favorable.

If you apologize. It needs to be from the heart and sincere and with the knowledge that you are doing it to make things right, not to get him back. You have to acknowledge that there is a possibility you may not get him back and be willing to move on.

What do you tell him? Everything you told us. Tell him the last few days have been miserable. Tell him you will deal with whatever choice he makes, and if he doesn't given you another chance that at least you have learned that how to treat the next person... and then thank him for hearing you out.

Then be prepared to walk away. If it's meant to be.. it will happen today, tommorow, or much later, but it'll happen right.

Q: I recently got a boyfriend, maybe less than a week? Well, the first day, we basically talked about everything we could. Politics, religion, future, careers, family, friends, anything you can think of, but most of the topics didn't last long as he kept stopping and staring off into space, then asking me to talk to him.
It's awkward because I'm normally a reserved person who likes being alone a lot of the time so I can work on a story that I'm writing. He always wants to talk, but it's like he wants me to do most of the talking and I'm a very boring person. All I do is write, sleep, and eat... Sometimes hang out with friends.
Bascially I'm asking why our relationship is so awkward. Maybe it's just because it's how things start out? It didn't seem like that with my other relationships... Help me, please :(
16/f

He's talking to you because he like you and he's fascinated with you. Even though you think you are boring, he has grown up with 99% of the female population wanting to only talk about themselves and not being self absorbed in a story they are writing. That makes you different and intriguing. I am saying this, because even this can get old. If you need time to write (I'm a writer and I know these things) then make time to do that separate than spending time with him (The truth is as writers we are also selfish so I get it.)
Sometimes as a dude, I ask girls lots of questions. I save the answers in my memory banks for later (her favorite flowers are tulips, she likes the beatles with the suits not on the drugs, she is a star wars fan, not a star trek fan etc) I can tell you that eventually he will learn the score (that you arent much of a talker-about-yourselfer...) and either make do, or leave.
The other thing is.. your 16, so if he annoys you, it's not like your married. I'm not telling you to be heartless, just that being a teenage writer is hard enough without an attention craved person trying to use your time. For what it's worth though, you may want to take that as a compliment, because if a girl told me everything she thought of religion, politics, and family... well... I'd make a choice pretty quick too.
If all else fails try to explain you are a cat person. I mean that in the sense that you are a cat. You like him well enough, but you are also aloof enough to focus on yourself and do your own thing as well. If he wants to be in the room with you when you do, he may want to pack a book because this story needs a few more paragraphs.

Q: I wanted to be put on birth control pills and I went to my doctor like suggested. He gave me the pills and explained about them but said I needed to be on them for at least 1 full month before they became completely effective and I don't end up pregnant. When I asked here before somebody said they are effective immediately. I told my doctor that somebody said they were effective immediately and slightly laughed and was like I hate how teens get these stupid rumors and something like that's how so many girls wind up pregnant. Who is right? My doctor or you guys?

Your Doctor is so right. That's not a game you want to try to prove him wrong on.. The consolation prize can suck.

Q: Okay, so I have known this guy for like almost a year. When I first met him, he had a girlfriend. So we became really good friends; basically bestfriends, but we never hung out. I started to like him, a little more than I would let myself believe. Well now him and his girlfriend have been broken up for almost four months, and they was originally together for 11 months. So, about 2 months ago he told me I was the first girl he has cared about since his ex. He told me he liked me, and I admitted to him that I liked him too. He told me that Im the only girl he has cared about hurting since her, and he cares about how I feel ALOT. He said that since he just got out of a year relationship, he doesn't want to rush into another relationship because he's still pretty heartbroken from his ex, and he just wants to enjoy being single. I told him I understood. So we're "talking". We aren't exclusive though. He's talking to other girls too, and I can't pull myself to be "talking" to any other guys except him.

Well, after three days of us "talking" we hung out. We didnt do anything because I was so nervous. The next day, he hung out with this girl for the first time, and had sex with her. He told me, and I cried. He apologized. Two weeks later, he pulled the same stunt again, but told me in person. I cried again, and his eyes started to water up, and he said he felt bad. I get jealousy super easy, so when he tells me this, I get mad, and I always say "You dont care about me, if you did you wouldnt be doing this. Its one thing to be talking to another girl and just kissing her, but having sex with her is crossing the line" and he says he doesnt even like them like that blah, blah blah. Well, two days ago, he had sex with another girl. I went off. And now he says that he needs time to think about what he wants, and I told him that its probably just because he realizes that I aint putting out, and all sorts of stuff.

He hasn't talked to me all day today, I've texted and called him, but NO reply. Idk what to do. I understnad he's single, and he needs to experiment cause he's been tied down for a year, and i care about him enough to stick by his side, but idk why he's ignorin me or anything. Any advice would be helpful.

He's on the rebound. He is not stable. To tell the truth he probably really does like you and holds you to a higher regard than the others, the fact is he still keeps talking to you, but honestly you got to give some time to let that boy get things through his head. Trying to be a real girlfriend with him right now to him will only get you hurt, cause they never last. Never.
Being jealous doesn't help. If you care enough to stay by his side, you will care enough to leave him alone, and only talk to him when he needs a sane person. Bring up the discussion much later when he is over this. If he was in that relationship for a year, you need to give him a minimum of another 2 months in addition to the two he's already been out of it.

It sucks, and probably not what you want to hear.. but I dont do this to be popular. (I do it for chicks) anyway... remember I'm sure he's a cool dude.. but you take care of #1 and only get with a dude that is 100%in the game

Q: Okay so my ex and I broke up about four months ago and it was a reeeeeally messy break. He did a lot of shitty things at the time adn it wasn't until just about two months ago that he finally apologized to me about how he handled everything. At first I didn't want to forgive him but then I realized that the only way I can move on is to FORGIVE and forget... so I tried to establish a friendship. He's all the sudden really iffy about it... liek he says he doesnt want to be friends even though he knows I've never done anything to him. He says I annoy him...? I don't know. We had a pretty nice conversation tonight but I still just really really wanna be friends... how can I make the steps to show him that we can do it?? (he's frieds with my like best friend so thats part of why I want us to be okay)

You can forgive and forget. But that doesn't mean you have to be friends with him. You can even be friendly but remember that when you had your messy breakup there were things that you really hated about it. As a result he knows how to push your buttons. There is a difference between an acquaintance, a buddy, and a real friend. Just assign him the role you want and only give him security clearance to your feelings for what that title entails. But dont make him a GOOD friend again for at least a year. He knows way too much about you and how you work, let it ride, date some other people make sure you are both ok before making him a real friend again

Q: I really want to get pregnant. Its not that I want to have a baby as much as just have that feeling of being pregnant. All pregnancy women are so pretty with that pregnancy glow about them and everybody is always rubbing their bellies and so excited about them having a brand new baby. I talked to my bf and said i really wanted him to get me pregnant and he was like kind of unsure but said he would think about it. I was thinking of going on and throwing away the box of condoms i have here so he'd like HAVE to do it with me without them? But then I'm just kind of unsure. I mean a baby is pretty time consuming and I don't want people to think I'm evil if I give it up for adoption. Being pregnant really is so cute though. Advice?

I don't answer questions for positive feedback I answer them because I am highly opinionated and a jerk... but seriously... I feel I need to tell you this.
Pregnant chicks are cute when they are happy they are pregnant. There is nothing cute about a girl who doesn't know what or how she is going to make it in the future. Please talk to some teenage moms before you decide to do this. See how they have to give up going out, hanging out, etc. In a few years, you'll be driving, breaking hearts and all sorts of other things girls like you do...
When your in high school, college, and even beyond you wont just be a girl.. you'll be a girl with baggage. Don't get me wrong, I think kids are great, but I also think you should go out live life and wreck shop before you willingly get knocked up. Trust me you can be cute with a scarf, you don't need to add a human life into the equation.
And also be careful with conning your boyfriend into knocking you up. That could chase him away. While tennage boys are all for the act of sex, it's the whole "I want to force him into impregnating me" thing that says "weird".
Oh and if that doesn't change your mind. Consider this. Morning sickness. Bloating, Hospital bills, complications in the third trimester and labor pain... repeat... labor pain. Oh yeah and babies shit a lot... just saying.

Q: I've been dating my current boyfriend for over a year now, annd I love the kid to death, but lately I seem to have lost a lot of my feelings towards him. And we were planning on breaking up in a few months anyways when we both go away to school, but I feel if I wait that long, its not fair to him, because I'm not fully in the relationship.. I just need some advice on how to break things off with him without completly breaking his heart, because he gets fairly attached when hes in a relationship, so the easiest way to do it would be best. -17/female.

If he gets clingy easy... there is no easy way to do it without hurting his feelings.

Perhaps the best way to tell him is just to tell him. In a nice way of course just like you told us here... "I really do like you and the time we have spent, I know we are planning on breaking up in a few months, and I'll be honest the thought of that has bummed me out already, I can feel my self defense mechanism starting to make my heart not fully in this anymore. I still want to be your friend, but I think we should scale back the romantic level so we can begin the healing process while we are still in the same town and are both accessible to each other on very difficult days."

I know you don't think you care for him much, but trust me, there will be some days you are going to miss him and if you guys are in the same town, a face to face visit once and awhile is good for the weaning process. You guys were together over a year, it's not a simple cut and dry thing, it's like chewing off your arm... so it's gonna hurt, but do it as careful as possible.

Q: My eight year old daughter and her friend (girl, same age)will often times play at my house directly after school. Frequently both kids will use our bathroom(s) soon after arriving to do a poo, since often times they hold it in during school. The problem is that neither girl flushes afterward. After talking to my daughter, they have a contest as to who does the biggest poo, who has been holding it the longest, who has to go the worst,etc. I am hoping this is just a phase that they are going through. I don't appreciate it when I go into the bathroom, lift up the lid, and see an unflushed BM and knowing it came from my daughter or her friend (although I am a little surprised at the size of the stools sometimes, and I guess I can see why they would be interested in comparing). Any suggestions? Is this just a phase?

Be the parent. Tell them and enforce the rule that this is not sanitary, polite, or ladylike in any way. Flushing is common sense and she is at the age she should know better. Seriously.

On another note, as someone who is NOT a parent. My inner 6 year old in my head found this to be quite funny especially since you said you were suprised at the size of them... I do believe I am going to have my own contest. (See what they started?)

Q: I have a deep need to write about what my life was like and how I felt when I was a kid. I have kept diaries and journal-ed a lot and this compilation of my history is something I want to put down. I know it is theraputic and self-expanding and difficult at time to do this but I am even more afraid that if I am honest and the deeper parts of my childhood that were unhappy at best, will really upset my mother. It sometimes makes me feel paralyzed and I freeze on the spot hearing her voice saying "Why are you telling that? Must you bring up these things and betray me like this? How dare you.". I know good writers plow through and I suppose just have to decide to not care one whit what anybody thinks about what they write, they will write it no matter what. It takes great courage. My mother would tell me that I am not a respectful daughter...she'll freeze me out and our relationship would be damaged. Great options. Advise please because the more I ignore it the stronger the pull...something is telling me I must do this. UGH.

A writer will write what they need to despite the fact it will make others uncomfortable.

My advice is that it sounds like you have a lot on your plate to write about. I would suggest... writing it. But not showing it to anyone yet. Put it down on paper, get it out.. then put it away for about 6 months. Then... read it and begin to edit it. You will be suprised how much you feel you should change on just not seeing it in 6 months and what seems better. Then put it away again.. work on other projects... then do it again after a month or two.
It may take a couple of edits and at least a year, but when it is ready to be shared, you will have a great story that is intelligent, well written, and if it makes someone uncomfortable, at least it made others think.
In other words, don't worry about it now, make you art for your sake, and deal with the outcome when it's time. You'll be surprised how mature you can be and how people will be around you when they respect your story.

Q: Hey,

So I went out with a guy friend and we just going to hang out and then he wanted me to do stuff like handjob and blowjob and stuff and I didn't really want to ... but I did it... and then like I home and fell asleep I was so stressed out and I forgot to wash my hands and in the morning I touched myself down there to see because of prevoius things that happened and I didn't mean it... would the sperm be dead by then? I'm really worried...
thank you , betty

you're fine. once exposed to air, those guys dont last long... within 70-80 seconds sperm will die. unless in a womans body.

on another note, be cautious, lots of advantage takers out there

Q: See here goes I wanna ask out this guy lets call him benjamin. For safety sake. I really really like him but we have an amazing friendship I know he likes me but is afraid I dont like him back. I am afraid if we break up it will ruin this friendship. But i believe I am in love with him. Could you tell me how I can ask him out. And if I should do it. Thank you so much.

I've learned a lot of things since I've been on this earth. Number one is life is short. If you like him, ask him. You know he likes you. I don't want to make it sound cut and dry but that's the info I have to go on.
Here's the truth... You're afraid if you break up it will ruin the friendship, but honestly... how do you know you wont have a falling out next week? Human emotions are fragile. But love is something you should never pass on.
Wait until you guys are alone with not much to do (it might be a long convo) and just tell him you have been having these feelings and ask him what he thinks. I bet he will agree. (If you want to set "ground rules" go ahead, but we all know that doesnt work when everything is new)

Q: So I am a freshman in college and I've been on a couple dates with this guy who really likes me a lot. I think hes adorable and sweet and stuff, and it's not like there are any other guys in my life right now, it's just that I don't want to be tied down in a relationship, at least for my first year in college. Is it selfish of me to want to continue dating him but not be labeled his girlfriend? and even so, i have a feeling hes going to ask me to be his girlfriend soon, so how on earth do i tell him how i feel without hurting his feelings?

This actually happened to me not too long ago. The girl at that time told me she had lots going on and even though dates were fun, she didn't want a boyfriend at the moment. I appreciated that very much. I still went out with her a few times but it took a lot of pressure off of me too.

If you tell him you like him but because the first year in college is important to both of you, he's probably really receptive to that. Being with someone is hard work, but dating is fun and light, you need someone to destress with, not try to build a life with.

Back to my experience: after another girl told me a similar thing, I told her "I'm not looking for marriage doll, I just enjoy your company". This pretty much set the tone. I still see her around from time to time, and even though I'm as single as a 40oz. in a conveinience store now, that chick is still highly thought of in my book, being straight and honest is the way to go. So many people arent these days.

Q: My boyfriend and i have been going out for a year now, but he always and rarely says the right things. You know, i'm 17 and hes 18 and you know how girls like to hear cute stuff. He has never really said cute things except "Laura i never knew i could love a girl as much as i love you

You got to ask yourself what the big picture is doll. Check this out, my dad is the coolest guy I know. When I was little, he did all the repairs himself, when I was a teenager, he changed the oil to my first car. Growing up, he tried to show me how to pitch a baseball and catch a football. He is a man of few words. But his actions speak louder than any other.
I'm not comparing your BF to my dad, what I'm saying is sometimes guys show love in other ways. If it really bugs you, you may want to change boyfriends because you can never really "change" someone, and making someone say something when they aren't used to just makes it sound unsincere.