Miss_Lily's advice column

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Q: Hi,
I'm trying to lose weight. STOP right there - don't pass this on by thinking it's just another one of those 'HOW DO I DO IT?' questions. I know how to lose weight, what my basal metabolic rate is, even what excersizes I should be doing. What I want to know is:
*How can I keep this up? How do I stay motivated?
*And how many times will I have to sit on my hands to resist the urge of going to the biscuit tin before saying 'no, I don't really want that' becomes a habit?
Thanks!! xxx

I have been in the same situation as you. I use to weight 200 pounds and I just finally reached my goal weight of 130 pounds after a little more then 18 months. I did a few things to keep me motivated. First of all, I went on a mini shopping spree, and bought a couple of really nice outfits in my goal weight size. I kept the outfits hung up in the front of my closet to be a daily reminder of what I wanted to wear when I got to my goal size. I also kept an online weight journal to monitor what I ate everyday. For some reason, seeing my meals in writing motivated me to stay on track and embarrassed me when I fell off. I also joined a few online support groups with other women that were loosing weight. Having people to talk to that understands what you are going through helps a lot.

Q: I have been taking birthcontrol for 2 years, I have two children, My question is if you are on birth control and you are taking penicilin can you get pregnant, if so how soon can you take a pregnancy teest to confirm if you are or not. Thank You

This is probably a question that is better asked to a doctor. There are some medicines that can lower the affect of birth control pills, making you more acceptable to getting pregnant. I am not sure if penicilin is one of them though. Just give your doctor a quick call in the morning and ask him does penicilin have a negative affect on the affectiveness of your birth control pill. If it does, he should be able to give you a different prescription or a different method of birth control. If you are worried that you are pregnant, try taking a home pregnancy test or making an appointment with your doctor to take one.

Q: i have this friend and she's like my best friend here at this school i just moved to, and like she knows everything about me and what not. but like recently i've noticed that she's been copying me, like everything and it's really annoying. i mean she's super nice but also shy so i don't know how to tell her this. like my handwriting is my handwriting like it's your thing and i like my handwriting it's actually nice but i've noticed that she started copying the way i write like my n's and h's and t's! like it really bugs me! she also copies the way i hold my hands while walking and she's starting to say things like i do!i always say holy crap like as an expression and she says it too! Like before i came here she seemed to have friends but like when i became friends with her she seemed to be attached to me and i'm like the "leader" of the two of us! isn't she the one who's supposed to show me around and tell me stuff...not me? i made new friends and like i have a lot more in common with them then the ones before that i ate lunch with, with my bff, but when i went to eat lunch with my new friends she wanted to follow, like i didn't want to say no but i didn't want her to come, i know that may seem mean but like the two groups don't mix, but she came and she started comming everday so then everyday up to this day we eat lunch with my new friends but everyday she seems depressed when we eat lunch with them. she's very insecure it seems and it seems like no one really treated her as a real like member of her group before i came, like she even told me that i was the one she was the closest to in all of that table, but i'm like didn't she hang out with them for like five years...shouldn't she be good friends with at least one of them? in the beginning of the year i remember someone mentioning that she was copying them before i came. so how do i tell her that i need some space. or do i even tell her? i mentioned to my new friends that i wanted to hang out with them but being with my bff hasn't let me...sorry this was extremely long. (i have never been the "leader" of a group, we were always all equal and just had fun, and we mostly weren't shy between ourselves! AND i've noticed that i've started to become like her more and it's not the good things, the way i walk like she walks really fast because she's insecure/shy and seems like shes in a hurry all the time and i've started to do that too!) how would i deal with this situation?

Well, I hope she doesn't say the word "like" as much as you do. Anyways. It seems as if your friend is very insecure about herself, and she finds her identity through you. Your presence gives her confidence and makes her feel good about herself. Even though it is annoying, you should feel good that she values you and your opinion so much. Since this is bothering you so much, why don't you try to introduce her to other people. Get her to socialize outside of your circle, and with people who share common interest with her. If that fails, then sit her down and talk to her face-to-face. Have a heart-to-heart with her. Let her know that you value her friendship a lot, but that lately you have felt that maybe the two of you are actually becoming one. Let her know that you have noticed that she is transforming into you by copying some of your habits, and you want to know if she has noticed this. Tell her that you want to remain friends with her, but that sometimes you need your own space to interact with your other friends. Let her know that she is welcome to join you sometimes, but not all of the time. Compliment her on her good aspects, and let her know that she is a good friend to you. It sounds as if her self-esteem is very low, and she is trying to gain that through you. If you talk to her openly and honestly, then she should be able to understand where you are coming from and respect you and your wishes. Good luck.

Q: does the type of tampon you use make you more likely to get TSS? i mean if you use regular as opposed to light will i be more likely to get TSS?

thanks

The higher the absorbency of the tampon, the higher the risk of getting Toxic Shock Syndrome. You should always use the least amount of absorbency possible when you are on your period. I reccomend getting a box of assorted tampons. They usually include light, regular and super. That way, you can have an assortment to choose from depending on how heavy your flow is.

Q: i thought i was pregnant because i was giving my bf a handjob and he was fingereing me and i didnt know if he had some on his finger..because he jacked off b4..but anyways, i took a home test and it said ii wasnt and i went to planned parenthood and they said i wasnt. but i dont know i keep thinking i am..how accurate are planned parenthood's tests? because i didnt get a period for the month of m arch, but then again neither did my mom and she just got hers today and im usually right after her--but im freaking out..

If Planned Parenthood gave you a pregnancy test that said you weren't pregnant, then you can bet that they are 99.9% accurate. Your period could be delayed due to the added stress of thinking you are pregnant. Just give your period another week or two to see if it shows up. If it still M.I.A., make an appointment with your gynocologist to see what is going on.

Q: My mom tells me I'm fat. A lot. She's constantly telling me I need to lose weight, and though she tries to do it in a gentle way it still hurts. And it's not that she's telling me I'm fat and I'm not. I really am fat, but I have a tendency to be stubborn, so when she nags me to do things I never want to do them. And half of me wants to be skinny, and half of me doesn't, so I end up getting lost in the middle, getting stressed, eating more, and having my mom tell me I've gained weight. Thanks mom. But I don't know what to do. She thinks it's for my own good that she's telling me this, even though I've told her countless times that I KNOW it's not something I need to be reminded about. And she has her own weight issues that she should worry about. She's a lot heavier than I am and at more of a risk of health problems than I am. Not that I'm comparing myself to her, I just wish she'd focus on herself instead of me.

Is there any way you can think of that I can ignore her nagging or get her to focus on herself instead of me? (Or both????)

There is no way to ignore your mothers constant nagging. The only thing that you can do is sit down with her and have a heart-to-heart talk with her. Let her know how her negative perception of you, and her deragotory words towards you hurts your feelings. Let her know that you don't have to be reminded constantly of your weright or hwo much you have gained.

It sounds as if your mother is concerned about your weight being a negative health issue for you in the future, and she doesn't know of any other way to express her concern for your health other then to nag. Since you said that your mother has her own weight issues, then maybe you and her can turn two negatives into a positive. Ask her how she feels about the two of you tackling ya'lls health issues together. Maybe you and her can join a gym together, and make it a mother-daughter night twice a week. You and her can also purchase healthy eating cookbooks, and start eating right also.

Your mother sounds like she means well, she just doesn't know how to express herself better. Communicate with her and try to understand where she is coming from.

Q: okay i have a friend in argentina and her mom and dad got devorsed the other day and her and her mom and to move in to someone else's house becuase the dad is like going to jail becuase he is a really really really bad person!!! My friend is always sending me e-mail and seems really sad!!! How can i mak eher feel better i fell bad for her!!!!! I mean she does not have very many friends either and a lot of peole make fun of her!!!! How can i help her feel better at least a little better? THank you in advance!!! I rate high!!!!! :)

The only thing that you can do is stick by herside. Let her know that you love her, and that you will always be there for her. Try to pick up the phone every once-in-awhile to call and check on her and see how her day went. Write her letters on pretty stationary and send her cards just because. Take some time out of your week to write her a meaningful email. What she needs is a friend right now, and it seems as if you are already that.

Q: Hey, i'm a 15 year old black girl and at my high school if your a certain color, you are expected to like certain things and listen to a certain type of music.Well i'm not like that i listen to "other" music.And when i say other music i mean stuff liken green day and maroon5 and stuff like that.Also some of the stuff that my caucasion friends talk about i can identify with and some of the more preppy clothes they wear i like.i'm afraid to tell my friends this because i am afriad of their reactions.what should i do?

You should be yourself. Life is too short to worry about what everyone else thinks about you, and then trying to pretend to be something you're not. I am black also, and I listen and wear what I damn well please, regardless of what anyone else thinks. My true friends accept me for who I am. The others were fake, and I let them go. You need to decide for yourself whether or not you want to be comfortable in your own skin, and whether or not your friends are worth the trouble.

Q: The other night, I was out with a friend, and we met up with these guys. I guess you could call them 'skaters'. So. The two of us walked around, while they skated around us. They asked us if we'd let them finger us, and we joked around saying yeah. We told them we'd have sex with them in an instant, even though we were kidding, which I guess they didn't realize.
So, we headed for a park by a school, and they got behind a bush and pretty much just pulled it out right there, and they were begging us to come back there and, well jerk them off. I wouldn't do it because quite frankly, I've got a little more self respect than that. I wouldn't let my friend do it even though she was tempted because she has a boyfriend and she knew she'd regret it right after she finished.
So, these guys were telling me I'm a total "downer" and a "prude" and later they told my friend that they really didn't like me, just because I wouldn't give them a handjob.
So, I feel really bad about myself, like I let them down or something, even though I know that they're just huge jerks. For some reason, I can't stop thinking about it and wishing that I had just done it and everything would be fine now.
I'd really like some advice about what I should do. Thanks.

There is nothing that you need to do. You did the right thing. You said that you had a lot of self respect for yourself to NOT do something like that, so why are you downing yourself now? There is no point for you to feel bad about making a decision that kept you with your self respect intact. Those guys are not worth the stress. If they want someone easy, let them find someone else to jack them off.

Q: i belive in no religion and i think i need a purpose in lif. does anyone know a good place for me to find about every religion since there is so many out there.

The best thing for you to do would be to do research on the internet or at your local library on different religions. You can go to any search engine and type in religion, and a slew of sites will come up.

Here are a few sites to get you started on your search:
http://everystudent.com/features/connecting.html
http://www.christiananswers.net/menu-ar1.html

Q: Hey, I hope you can help.

I went shopping at the mall today and my mom dropped me and a friend off. She never told us when she was picking us up. Apparently, since there was the daylight saving time change, I had a terrible perception of what time it was. It turned out that my mom had said 5:30 sometime before we picked up my friend. I finally got her call at about 7:15 and she was furious. She says that I'm incompetent and can't be trusted, both of which are untrue. How can I regain my mom's trust? THanks!!

You don't have to regain your mother's trust because it was never lost in the first place. You made an honest mistake that anyone could have made. Just sit your mother down and explain to her that you did not mean to make her wait so long. That because of the daylight savings time change, you thought it was much earlier then what it really was. Let her know that it was an honest mistake that could have, (and has been), been made by anyone, but that doesn't make you incompetent or untrustworthy. And here's a tip for next time, wear a watch with the minute hand set 10 minutes faster then what it really is. That way you can be the one waiting for your mother instead of it being the other way around.

Q: my family doesnt pay attention to me at all... its all about my perfect sisters... i used to wear one of my sisters clothes (bc i dont have any) and my mom was gonna buy me some clothes but she gave the money to my sister bc i ruined my sisters clothes and like my parents dont do crap for me im not tryin to be selfish but what should i do?

sorry for the writing I RATE 5'S!

Don't ever apologize for writing and asking for help. That is what most of us are here for, to give you advice to help you out.

The only suggestion I have is to talk to your parent's. If you are closer to one parent over the other, try talking to them first. Alone and in private. Let them know how you are feeling. Express to them your emotions and feelings as clear and as articulate as possible. Avoid whining or raising your voice. When you speak calmly too people, they take in more of the conversation. Let your parent know tha you feel excluded and left out in some ways. Explain to them that you feel as if they don't pay enough attention to you and you want to know why. Parents are human too, and most often, they don't realize that the way they are acting is hurting one of their children. Your parent's would never do anything to hurt you intentionally. Talking to them is the only thing that will fix this problem.

Q: Hi I'm 13 and I have never been very popular and I have never had many friends at school. I was always the straight A student and the goody goody and thats just how I was. But this year I decided to try to make friends. A lot of friends. I started to bend the rules a little bit. Once I found out that I could get away with anything because I was comsidered the good child I just couldn't stop. I became very popular and started not doing my homework. I figured whats wrong with that? I'm just like evryone else I'm not weird I'm cool. But now I'm rude and I don't care about my work at all. I ruined my straight A's and now I don't know what to do. I just want to go back and be able to control my self and not have the pressure to keep my so called frineds. What can I do?

It sounds like it is time for you to get your priorities straight. I noticed that you mentioned: But now I'm rude and I don't care about my work at all. That is your own fault. No one makes you rude but yourself. And you contradicted yourself when you said that you don't care about your work, because obviously you do. It sounds like you started acting out so you could get noticed more and have people pay attention to you, and now all of that is catching up to you and being a lot more pressure then what you thought it was. Try putting your main focus back onto your school work. Talk to your teachers and ask them if you can do some extra credit work to bring up your grades. If the friends that you made during your transformation supports you on getting your grades back up, then they are keepers. If not, then it is time for you to make some new friends.

Q: i was lead on by a guy. i liked this guy he told me how he felt but in the end when i finally got the courage to ask him out he said no (i asked him out the nest day online) and he said because he still likes his ex what should i do? he told that he loved me and all this other stuff and in the end i get turned down. plz help me.
signed
disappointed.

It is time for you to grieve, move on and get over him. Obviously he doesn't know what love is. If he still likes his ex, then he had no business leading you on and telling you that he loved you. He is really confused right now, and that is not the kind of guy that you need to start a relationship with. Let him know that you don't appreciate being led on, and that you don't like it when people say things to you that they don't mean or that they don't have any understanding of. Then, direct your attention to someone that is more worthy of your attention.

Q: i know you are going to read this and think its me, its not and actually i don't care what you think..anyways, my friend thinks shes pregnant. shes 2 weeks late on her period. she got some kind of infection where she had to take medicine that might delay her period a little bit. she took a pregnancy test and she said that if 2 lines show up, then shes pregnant..she showed me the test and i saw 2 lines, one was slightly darker than the other..but i saw 2 lines. she claims shes not pregnant, but is going to take another test. i dont know what to do for her...?

There is nothing that you can do for her physically. Your biggest support to her will be emotional support. Just let her know that you will be there for her if she is pregnant, and encourage her to see a professional doctor for a professional pregnancy test. Store bought tests don't work 30% of the time.

Q: I was having a semi-asthma attack on the phone with my boyfriend, and if you've ever had an asthma attack you aren't able to talk without hurting yourself. My boyfriend was asking over and over if I could breathe, well obviously not? I wouldn't answer because it hurt for me to talk and I finally answered with "No!" Then he takes it all defensivly and was like "Sorry! I was just trying to help, but you keep shutting me out." I wasn't shutting him out was I? I was just trying to be able to breathe... Any Advice?

Just explain to your boyfriend exactly what you said here. Tell him that during an asthma attack, you can't talk in order to save what little breath you have for breathing. Let him know that you weren't shutting him out, but in a situation like that you have to come first. Tell him if he cared for you he wouldn't be jumping down your throat after you had an asthma attack, but would have been asking you if you were okay.

Q: don't bother reading if you can't manage, but 5's to any singly word of response because i really really need some advice here...

i have this twin sister- we're both 14- and she is really immature and selfish and just a totally disgusting and impossible person. sometimes i love her, but alot of times i could just explode! she is just so hard to take!

the main problems with her are that she is really into herself but at the same time extremely insecure and self-consious...and the second is that she just can NOT get over things...like tonight she was trying to get me to remember something by repeating like the same vague amature description over and over and I was like, OK I DON'T REMEMBER CAN WE DROP IT OR CAN YOU GIVE ME A BETTER CLUE?!?!

See its little stuff like that, but I just want to rip my brains our and throw them at her face!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE sharing things with her when I just don't really like her as a person...and she really harms me as a person, because I spend so much energy being infuriated at her or trying to ignore her pesty existence.

I really feel like we are the only people in this world that each other has, so we need to get along...but I just cannot tolerate her at ALL! Its like her brain is so many pages behind, and I can't stretch to reach her and make her stupid accomodations.

Is there any way I can coexist with her as a step towards actually liking her? There are some people in this world that I just cannot ever like, and that's okay, but I really don't want her to be one of them...and how can I vent my feelings in a healthy way? lol i've been sitting in my room screaming (literally) for the past 20 minutes...ew and I wouldn't do anything to hurt anyone so don't go there....

snaps to you for reading this!
xox and SOS

I understand exactly how you are feeling. I have a younger sister, and she is the exact same way as your sister. But for you, it is ten times as hard to deal with because she is your twin sister.

Communication is my key word in any relationship problem, and with her being your twin sister, this is probably one of the most important relationships in your life. Talk to your sister. Sit down with her in private and explain to her that you love her with all of your heart, but that there are some things about her that you don't understand or don't like. Let her know that you want to have her not only as your sister, but your best friend. Let her know that you don't understand her selfishness or the way that she acts. It could be that your sister doesn't even know that she is acting in an offensive way. You have to spend time with your sister and get to understand and know her as a person. Get into her head and learn what makes her act the way she does or do the things she does. Once you start treating her like a friend also, and not just a sibling, then that is when your relationship when your relationship with her will grow.

Q: Oh My GOd! My sister is so annoying, She Wears my clothes, wakes me up at 5:00 on the weekends, hits me, puts fake worms in my bed, Steals my C-D's, and my parents do NOTHING about it! HELP!

If your bedroom door has a lock on it, start locking your doors. That way, you can limit the amount of time she spends in your room. Have you sat down with your parents and had a serious talk with them about your sister when you are not mad? Tell them how it makes you feel when they ignore your sister's bad actions and your complaints about your sister. Tell them you feel as if they don't take you seriously, but her actions are really affecting you. Then talk to your sister. Let her know that what she is doing is really immature and uncalled for. Ask her how she would feel if someone were to do the same things to her. If all else fails, try giving your sister a taste of her own medicine. Maybe once you get her up at 4:00 on the weekends, and she starts finding fake things in her bed and missing CD's, she will stop.

Q: i know i have dreams.. i just cant remember any of them! they are nightmares and they wake me up.. i think about them for awhile.. then i go back to sleep but when i wake up again i dont remember them anymore i just know i had a dream because i remmeber waking up.. is this weird?

No, that is not weird at all. There are a lot of people that forget their dreams when they wake up. (Me being one of them.) What you could do is this, once you wake up that first time, write down what you can remember about your dream. Have a notebook and a piece of paper near your bed so you can jot down a summary of your dream. When you wake up the second time, try to do the same thing. That way you have a record of your dream on a piece of paper, and hopefully as you look over that, your dreams will start coming back to you during the day.

Q: hi this is mandi! i put a question out on the activism page like this one! hopefully more people will see it here and be able to help me! i really want to start an organization! im a teenager, and i really want to help the world. im thinking of getting people to donate bible and i can like send them to africa or sumthin. gosh i pray every night the rebels in africa would be stopped...ugh!! i feel the only thing i can do to help those women who are being raped everyday is to pass on the word! please help me! im wondering how to start an organization! please answer--i give good ratings and feedback for good answers--also if you have any questions or more info, please put it on my column! reelbigfishingirl

What you are looking to do is start a non-profit organization. Here are some links that will help you:

http://www.mapnp.org/library/strt_org/strt_np/strt_np.htm
http://www.nonprofit-info.org/npofaq/02/
http://nonprofit.about.com/od/nonprofitstartup/a/starting_faq.htm

I hope that these links help you, and get you started.

bio

I am a 22 year old mother of two that has had to grow up a lot faster then her years. I have been married for four years, but now am seperated from my significant other due to lack of his being able to handle a mature relationship. I can relate to almost anyone, and have been sought out, both online and off, for my advice. I answer all questions truthfully and honestly. If I don't know an answer to a question or I think other resources would be helpful, then I go into researh mode until I find an answer or the proper resource. I aspire to be a life coach in the future, because I like helping people make decisions to make their life better for their future. I am here not only to answer advice questions on this site, but to also chat with you if you feel like you need a more indepth one-on-one help.

Here are some of the guidelines I go by when answering advice questions:

I am always truthful in any advice I give.
I would never give anyone any advice that I would not follow myself.
I take into consideration your feelings when answering questions, but I will not sugar coat anything. If you are wrong, then you are wrong and I will tell you so.
If I cannot answer a question to the best of my ability, then I will point you to someone who can, or I will research my butt off until I find a helpful solution for you.