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My advice motto is LISTEN-CARE-RESPOND! BELIEVE IN YOURSELF - we are stronger than we give ourselves credit for!
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My husband and I get my stepdaughter every other week. We love having her and she is a very well behaved kid for her age. Our problem is her hygene. We have both talked to her at length, both gentley and sternly about her issues with being clean. When we get her it's clear that she hasn't had a shower, washed her hair or sometimes brushed her teeth in 3 or more days. She smells so bad that we end up riding home with the windows open. Her hair is a mass of dreds that take me upwards of an hour to brush out. She also needs to be reminded when she's at our house to do things that most kids just do at her age (13). For example; Did you wash your hands after changing your tampon? NO. Did you brush your teeth today? No. Did you use soap in the shower? That answer has been NO on occasion. Did you use deoderant? NO. I am at a loss. A kid her age should want to be clean. When I was her age all I wanted was a curling iron and lip gloss. She'd go a month with out touching soap and be fine with it. I know this problem is sometimes a side effect of Sexual abuse or drugs but none of these things are present in her life. Positively. I am wondering if I am overreacting and it's something she will outgrow or if I should be looking for a therapist. Thanks in advance for any feedback.
MLD
Well, I'm glad that you have ruled out sexual abuse or drugs because these can certainly be factors in an adolescent's poor hygiene regimen. However, I do wonder how you can be so certain that these things do not exist for her if she is only in your care 50% of the time. I don't mean to question or doubt what you say, I just urge you to look at her situation very carefully. Is this hygiene issue new or has she always been this way? Has her attitude or outlook on life changed? Is she more withdrawn now than she once was? Obviously, it's difficult to give advice with limited information, but I will share several thoughts that occurred to me while reading your question.
Since you are clearly in a shared custody situation, is it possible that your stepdaughter is having some emotional issues with this arrangement? Certainly you can't necessarily change the situation, but it might be more of a problem for her than she has let on to you in the past. In our society today, children are having to become more flexible and adaptable due to divorced parents, step-parents, step-siblings, new half siblings, etc. However, some children (and adults for that matter) need more stability and comfort than these situations normally provide. Sadly you have little to no control over her environment on the weeks that she is not under your care, however, you can make every effort to provide constancy for her while she is with you. The stability I'm speaking about isn't limited to the hygiene issue at hand. It can be a schedule for her life and activities that is set and that she can depend on while in your home. Some children really need more than standard structure in order to thrive.
Another thought I had is on a more delicate issue. At her age while she probably doesn't have the mental and emotional maturity to understand sexual feelings her physical body may be awakening in that way. This can be confusing and off putting for her and she could be acting out against what seems "wrong" to her on some level. If you or your husband haven't already, you might want to consider talking to her about her body. It doesn't have to be a conversation about sex specifically, but she may need to understand herself better and hear that the things she might be feeling or experiencing are shared universally and not exclusive to her. I may be way off on this, but it's just a thought that came to me with the little bit of information I had to go on.
Lastly, she may simply be lazy and you and your husband might have to continue to lay down the law about acceptable hygiene practices while in your care and hope that she begins carrying on with these practices when away from you. Perhaps you could request that her mother be more diligent about following up on her daughter's hygiene when they are together. Her mother may just assume that her daughter is old enough to take care of herself in these ways and she may require a bit of prodding to get onboard with your combined "cleanliness babysitting" but it will be worth it if you can change her bad habits.
However, if she is just lazy (which some kids just are) then you should notice that she is lazy about other things in her life and not simply hygiene. If the laziness/indifference seems to be specific to only her hygiene, then I think a deeper issue exists. If you are unable to find the issue and deal with it as a family, then it might be in her best interests to find a counselor. Ultimately, when you are acting from a place of love and concern while allowing consideration for her individuality and any special needs she might have then you can't go wrong.
I know this answer was a bit all over the place, but hopefully I have provided a perspective that, even if not directly on the mark, could be helpful in that it might spark thinking in a new direction for you.
Kind wishes,
I have a big problem! I really need a job but I am scared to death of interviews what do I do! I would be happy to hear some advice!
I know it sounds cliche, but your best bet is to be as prepared as possible before going to an interview. Try to anticipate the questions that you will be asked and then practice how you would respond. You can do this on your own or ask a friend of family member to help you by playing the part of the interviewer. It sound corny, but it really helps if you've had a chance to work out the words you want to put together to answer a question beforehand instead of trying to make something up on the spot.
Also in an interview you want to be confidant and secure with yourself, but don't lie about your experience or qualifications. It might get you the job, but will likely backfire on you later.
Remember that you are trying to convince this person to hire you, so be sure to make eye contact and smile. Even if you are nervous, you will seem interested and likable. Also, it doesn't hurt to do your homework on the company you are interviewing with. That way you can asks informed questions and will appear to really be interested in the job and the company.
Finally, before you go to the interview, make a list of things you want to know about the job and don't be afraid to ask questions about the responsibilities and benefits of the position. You need to be respectful to the interviewer but at the same time you are interviewing them as well. You want to make sure that the position is a good fit for you and not a job that you would be disappointed with and unfulfilled by.
Remember it's okay to be nervous as long as you counteract it by being as prepared as you can be. Best of luck to you! Kind wishes,
My sister has been acting really bad lately. She recently has moved in with my aunt and is going to a Private School very close to my own home. I am only 19 and my sister put this idea in her head that she can come stay with me. And I can drive her to school in the morning. This is not going to work out, I told her. She is 14 years old. My mom said it was ok and so my sister asked me. I do not like this at all. I can barely provide for myself let alone try to take care of her. Me and my Boyfriend live together and we are young so we definatly like our privacy. I can not believe my mother wold think that this would be acceptable. Now I am a nervous wreck. It makes me so mad they would try to put that much responsibility on me. I tolded them that. What do I do now?
Your family has certainly put you in a bad spot. The reality of the situation is that you are nineteen years old and barely an adult yourself. You should not be expected to be responsible for a teenager, let alone a teenager with discipline problems.
I'm sure that your sister is VERY excited about this idea as it would provide her with a very lenient living arrangement where there would be no true authority figure to control her actions. What fourteen year old wouldn't jump at that opportunity? Because she is so excited about moving in with you and your boyfriend, you might have some trouble convicning her that it's not the best environment for her and not really fair to you. I suggest that you talk to your mother and your aunt again, relay your concerns to them and ask that they be the ones to inform your sister that she cannot move in with you.
If the adults in your family are not willing to step up and do the right thing by you (and your sister for that matter) then you might be forced to stand up for yourself. As much as it might hurt your sister's feelings, you must set your boundaries and maintain control over your life. You can explain to her that the two of you are at different stages in your lives and that your apartment is not an environment suitable for a young high school girl. You can also point out that having her move in is not necessarily fair to your roommate/boyfriend either.
Certainly, there are times and situtations where circumstances would dictate a true need for you to take your sister in and care for her; however, this does not appear to be such a time. You've been put in a bad situation and unfortunately, fourteen year old girls generally don't understand anybody else's perspectives but their own, but remember that she won't be fourteen forever. She might initially feel betrayed by your unwillingness to allow her to move in, but in time she should come to understand your side of things. As a compromise, you could offer to allow her to spend time at your apartment on the weekends, or every other weekend. Then, you would be showing her that you do care about her happiness and want to help better her situation even if not in the way that she currently expects you to.
Regardless of how it is handled, don't feel bad about standing up for yourself in this situation as it seems that you are the only one looking out for you. Best of luck.
Kind wishes,
I worry for my fiance because she has reumatoid arthritis, which is very rare for someone her age. Well anyways the medicine they put her on always makes her feel horrible so she doesn't take it and deals with the pain. I'm just worried about the long term effects. I've talked to her about not taking it but she avoids the question. She's sick of seeing doctors so she won't get a second opinion on medicine. How can I help her?
Perhaps you could speak to your fiance about pursuing alternative healthcare options. There are wonderful holistic chiropractors, osteopaths and naturopathic physicians who realize that medicating an ailment is not always the only or best option.
You mention that you live far away from her. I suggest going on-line and researching some alternative healthcare providers in her area and maybe even contacting them to ask about their credentials, their ability to work on her condition and information on their success stories. If you do the leg work and provide her with options of people who can help her, she might be willing to give it a shot.
Living in constant pain is most certainly making your fiance's life miserable and I'm sure that she will love you for any assistance that you try to provide. However, remember that ultimately, her health is her business and she has the final decision about what treatments she pursues. You can be proactive about educating yourself on her condition and even provide her with information about treatment options, but always respect that it is her body and try to be patient and understanding even if she doesn't respond to your suggestions in the way you expect her to. Best of luck to you and your loved one.
Kind wishes,
ok, first my bf is not disabled to the point he cant care for himself.he is just unable to drive. and his biploar is very much so predictable, so i know when this is coming. now about his dog, i feel he has a sick relationship with his dog. i have seen him touch that female dog in places that are improper. he denies this with immedeiate anger! and a good example of him not caring about my feelings is, just last night. I will drop everything for him. even to satisfy him sexually. (he likes oral sex more then anything) he always promisses to take care of me later. but later never seems to come. he knows without a doubt what this does to me, but he isnt willing to do anything aabout it to change. and with his affection for his dog, just where does this leave me and my needs? why cant he show me the same attention he does to his dog? and I dont mean the baby talk and all that bs, I just mean that he pays attention to her needs and takes care of them. how can I make him understand that?
Okay... well first, let me say that I'm sorry that I misunderstood the information from your first question. The dog situation, as you have now described it, is a bit worrisome to me.
If your boyfriend is physically molesting the dog (which is what you are implying), such behavior is inhumane and, in fact, criminal. If you are honestly stating that this man is "taking care of" the dog sexually instead of taking care of you sexually, then I don't see why there would be any confusion about what you should do. Get out of this relationship. But, I truly hope that I am misunderstanding you again.
However, even if there is no inappropriate physical relationship with the dog (which I am now responding as if there is not), you should not be competing for love and affection with an animal. If you honestly feel that he cares for the dog more than for you, and if this man is not taking care of your needs physically or emotionally, why do you stay?
If you have told him how you feel and he refuses to change then I don't really think there is anything that can "make him understand" as you put it. To be honest, if your boyfriend doesn't already innately understand some of this very basic relationship stuff, then I'm not sure that he will ever change his ways.
If you haven't already tried this, perhaps you could ask your boyfriend to imagine himself in your shoes. Really and truly, how would be feel if the situation was reversed and instead of dropping everything to please him sexually, you were playing with the dog and ignoring him instead? Maybe hearing how ridiculous some of his behavior is in a real life scenario will help him to see this from your perspective.
You have the power over your own actions and decicions. You need to decide what you can put up with and what you will not put up with. Communicate to your boyfriend the behavior that you will not tolerate and if it continues then you have the power to walk away. Ultimately, if he refuses to change and you stay with him, then you are just as responsible for your unhappniess as he is. I'm sorry that my advice is not more hopeful, but if you are not getting what you need and deserve from a relationship, why torture yourself?
Kind wishes,
THIS MAY SEEM A LITTLE CRAZY TO YOU, IT DOES TO EVERYONE ELSE,SO I AM LEFT WITH NO ONE TO TALK TO ABOUT IT, BECAUSE EVERYONE JUST THINKS I'M NUTS, BUT HERE GOES...MY BF AND I HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 11 YEARS. I LOVE HIM MORE THEN ANYTHING.
I QUESTION HOW HE FEELS ABOUT ME. HE HAS THIS LITTLE DOG, WHOM WAS AROUND BEFORE ME. SHE IS CRIPPLED AND OLD AND HE ADORES HER. HE SLEEPS WITH HER RIGHT NEXT TO HIM (HE WANTS TO CUDDLE WITH HER, BUT I GOT TIRED OF IT AND MADE HIM PUT HER OFF THE BED, SO SHE IS RIGHT NEXT TO THE BED AT HIS HEAD WHERE HE CAN REACH HER TO SLEEP WITH HIS HAND ON HER.) HE RUNS TO HER AT HER EVERY BARK, HE SHOWERS WITH HER, IS ALWAYS PETTING AND RUBBING HER, TELLING HER HOW MUCH HE LOVES HER. MY PROBLEM IS THAT HE WONT GIVE ME EVEN HALF THE ATTENTION HE GIVES THAT DOG. HE ALWAYS TELLS ME THAT SHE'S A DOG, YOUR SICK TO COMPAIR MY FEELINGS FOR YOU AND MY FEELINGS FOR MY DOG. HE IS NOT INTO SEX, HE MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I AM NOT ATTRACTIVE (BUT I AM ACCORDING TO EVERYONE ELSE-I LOOK ALOT LIKE ROSEANNA ARQUETTE, SO I'M TOLD)BUT HE MAKES ME CRY AND HURTS MY FEELINGS, AND WHEN I TELL HIM THESE THINGS HE JUST SAYS HE DONT CARE. I DO EVERYTHING FOR HIM (HE'S DISABLED AND DONT DRIVE, I WAIT ON HIM, I TAKE CARE OF HIM, I DO EVERYTHING FOR HIM). BUT WHEN I ASK FOR SOMETHING, (I AM VERY INDEPENDANT) ITS OF THE EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL CLOSNESS SORT, I JUST GET PUT OFF, SET ASIDE, AND HE CAN JUST GO OFF TO SLEEP KNOWING THAT I AM IN THE OTHER ROOM CRYING BECAUSE OF HIS BEHAVIOR. HOW DO I GET HIM TO UNDERSTAND THAT HE IS HURTING ME TO THE POINT THAT I JUST WANT TO GO AWAY, AND FORGET ABOUT HIM AND ALL OF IT? I DONT UNDERSTAND HOW HE CAN SAY HE LOVES ME, BUT HIS ACTIONS SAY OTHERWISE. HE IS ALSO BIPOLAR. OUR AGES ARE 35 HIM 38 ME. I JUST WANT HIM TO SHOW ME THE AFFECTION THAT I NEED, BUT HE JUST DONT GET IT, BUT THE DOG DOES!!
Well, I must say that although the attention and affection that your boyfriend shows his dog may seem excessive, I don't see any real problem with his relationship with the dog. I do, however, see problems with his relationship with you. From your question, I see three major issues that I'd like to address: lack of emotional support/affection; unbalanced caregiver role; and his mental health/illness.
First, eleven years is certainly a long time to be with someone. It's possible that your boyfriend has just gotten too comfortable and lazy about the need for ongoing care of your emotional relationship. He is certainly not alone in this deficiency. Even the best boyfriends and husbands can be oblivious to the fact that women sometimes need the reassurances and TLC that they (guys) are somehow able to thrive without. At the same time, we often forget that, for some men, these actions do not come naturally. In turn, we can expect too much and are disappointed by what we perceive as meager efforts to placate us. The trick is to take a look at your relationship and try to determine if your boyfriend is showing his love for you in other ways that are more "familiar" to him. If he is, then the problem is not his love for you, but his inability to display it in the ways that you want. Sometimes, a compromise is in order and we need to cut our clueless guys a little slack and accept that we did not fall in love with an emotionally "touchy-feely" person. However, if you determine that your boyfriend is making no effort to show his love and affection is his own unique way, and he is truly just completely taking you for granted, then you may have come to the end of this road. Relationships take effort to maintain - always. If you can't make your boyfriend understand that, then you may have to move on.
As far as you being his caregiver, this is a slippery slope indeed. It is especially important in these types of relationships that each person work hard to maintain a healthy emotional connection outside of the physical dependency. Simply put, a home-care nurse is a paid employee. She does her job and she goes home. A girlfriend is someone that you share your heart and your life with. In your situation, you are both and I commend you for your dedication. However, the two of you need to find a way to distinguish your interactions together so that you don't continue to build resentments about having to take care of him and so that he doesn't continue to build resentments about being taken care of. In a caregiver/care receiver relationship the line between what you need and what someone else needs from you can be easily blurred. Take time to mentally separate from the situation and think about what you both need to make it better. Possibly some outside support would help. Besides, if your boyfriend is solely dependent upon you for his every need, that probably causes him a great deal of distress and makes him feel inadequte. Maybe bringing in some outside help, which gives him an opportunity to interact with someone else, would change the dynamic of your relationship for the better. I obviously do not know all of the specifics of your situation, so this may not be a viable option, but I use it as an example to show that there are changes you can make (big and small) in an attempt to effect a change in both of your outlooks.
Finally, having a relationship with someone suffering from a mental illness is a complicated matter. It can be hard to distinguish when cruel or distant behavior is an involuntary side effect of the illness or a conscious choice made by an indifferent boyfriend. It's a nightmare for the person dealing with all of that confusion in their minds and it can seem equally as awful for a loved one, as I'm sure it's made you feel like you were "crazy" from time to time. It's important to remember that a lot of his behavior is out of his control and due to the illness, but at the same time, realize that some of his behavior is within his control and should not be rationalized away. (I did say it was complicated.)
Now after all of that blah blah blah, in the end, I have no easy solutions for you; however I do have a suggestion. I think it's important for you to be direct with your boyfriend. State the facts about your situation and let him know that you love him. Let him know that you are willing to continue to take care of him and that you understand both his physical and mental health limitations. However, you need to make it clear that you have expectations of him that you are not willing to put aside. Be realistic about what you expect of him, but be specific. Then, tell him that unless he is physically unable to comply with your expectations or he is in the middle of a mental health crisis (which should not be every day) then you are not willing to put your own needs aside. Make sure that he knows that you love him but that you can no longer live in an environment where you feel unappreciated and unloved. If you make it clear that you want to stay but you need some change, then you are giving him every chance to hold onto you and your love. Although he will probably initially lash out, get defensive and tell you to leave if you aren't happy, if you continue to assure him that you are not looking for an excuse to LEAVE but that you are looking for reasons to STAY, hopefully he will come around. If he doesn't, then I'm afraid that you may have to move on, as hard as that might be for both of you.
I didn't know how to answer this simply and I know that I've gone on and on, but hopefully you can find a shred of something here to help you. You are in an extremely complicated situation, but I think you should put all the complexities aside and remember this bottom line: If you do not take care of yourself, eventually, you will not be able to take care of anyone else. I sincerely wish you the best of luck.
Kind wishes,
ok look there is a rumor going around in my school saying that i stuck my tongue down this girls throat which i didn't. but there are more rumors being thought up about me and this girl. her friends bielive every word of it. and so i tried talking to them, but they wouldnt listen. so i made this petition saying this "This petition is to say that you believe that the rumor whether you have or haven’t heard it that. You strongly believe that Tiago Marti did not spread a rumor saying that he stuck his tongue down Ashley’s throat or any other rumor that involves him with anybody.
Please sign you name if you believe this.
Thank you courtesy of Tod Ellat"
do you think that this is a good idea for me to show them that i didn't spread these rumors. cause if they won't listen then maybe if other people sign this then they will.
what do you think..
thnx
tio
I understand your desire to end the gossip and speculation about you, and although I find your petition idea creative and innovative, I feel that it might not get you the results you are hoping for. By circulating this petition, you are simply adding more fuel to this fire by getting people thinking and talking about it more and possibly introducing the drama to some who didn't even know about it.
You best bet is just to let it die down and go away. There is certain to be another drama right around the corner to get the gossips buzzing and if you leave things alone, people will soon forget all about you and this incident.
However, if you like being the center of attention and you crave the affections of the ongoing "gossip tornado", then by all means petition away. Best of luck to you.
Kind wishes,
well, i know its strange, but sometimes i wonder if my parents were virgins before they got married. because they both married late in there lives )38 39ish) so i kind of wonder. is this strange to think? i mean im not going to go up to my mom one day and say hey mom how are ya doing? so btw were you a virgin before dad?
Not to be rude, but I really don't think it's any of your business. Sometimes it's hard for us to believe, but our parents are actually people. They were teenagers once and dated people, fell in love, probably had their hearts broken a few times and eventually found each other and started a life together. A life that eventually led to you. If your parents were in their late thirties when they married, chances are they both had relationships prior to each other. Those relationships may or may not have been sexual, but it is quite possible (even likely).
In today's world, I think it's more important to be thankful for having two loving parents who are still together, than whether or not they were "pure" when they married. I understand your curiosity, but I really don't think it's important in the grand scheme of things.
If it is something that is really bothering you, you could ask your Mom if she'd be willing to talk about it with you; however, if it's simply something you wonder about, then I would save that conversation with her for a time many years from now when you are married yourself and have your own children. Best of luck to you.
Kind wishes,
me and my bf have this problem see he has watched porn on tv when he knows i dont like him doing that and it hurt me because it feels like im not good enough for him and a long time ago i gave an old bf a hand job i didnt want to but he kinda made he i didnt do it but for like a min at the most and when me and my bf now fool around he told me he cant help but think of what i did with my old bf i told him to forget about it just like how i forgot about what he watched he said he cant then asked me to help him to forget it what should i tell him to do to forget it. i keep telling him to just think that it never happened but im not sure if its working what else can i say to help him forget it ever happened.
Well I can't say that I have any specific advice on how to get him to forget about your experience with another boy, except to tell him that for the rest of his life he's going to be involved with people who have pasts and that dwelling on that is not healthy or productive for his relationship with you or any of his future relationships.
However, more importantly, I want to make sure that he is not using your past sexual experience as a means to pressure you into going farther with him than you are ready to. It wasn't clear from your question, but it sounds like he might be hinting that in order for him to forget about what you did with the other boy that you need to do something more with him. If this is the case, please don't fall for it. I urge you to see this for what it is - a conniving and manipulative act that doesn't deserve rewarding. If you feel that this is not his intention, then I apologize for jumping to that conclusion, but it just sounds a little shady to me.
You should not dwell on the past and should not waste time on guilt or regrets about things that happened in your past. Every experience you have had (good or bad) creates the person you are in the present. You can't change the past, you can only learn from your mistakes, be proud of your accomplishments and live today as the best person you know how to be. If your boyfriend cannot understand that, then he truly is the one with the problem - not you. Best of luck to you.
Kind wishes,
My boyfriend is very experienced sexually. He's 16 and I'm 15. We've been going out for a while now but have broken up a couple times before. The most important thing is though, is that we love eachother to death. He wants to go farther than what I'm comfortable with right now. I've always been a good girl and haven't done anything really 'sexual' with a guy. He wants to finger me, which I know deep down I am not ready for. How do I tell him this without sounding like a scared little girl or sounding dumb? All my friends have done these things with guys, but I do not want to give into pressure like that.
I commend you for not wanting to give in to the pressure to do what all of your friends have done and what you boyfriend wants. That kind of resolve is rare at your age.
I think that you should state your feelings to your boyfriend just as simply as you stated them in your question. Tell him you are just not comfortable with it right now. Assure him that it has nothing to do with him or your love for him, but you are just not ready yet. You can also let him know that pressuring you is not going to get you ready any faster and that you will let him know if and when you want to try anything sexual.
As far as worrying about "sounding like a scared little girl or sounding dumb", if your boyfriend truly loves you then, no matter how frustrated he is physically, he will not belittle you and make you feel this way. Further, if your friends really care about you, they might tease you a little about your lack of experience, but ultimately, they should respect your decision to NOT be sexually active, just as you are respecting their decicions to BE sexually active.
You have the rest of your life to engage in sexual activity and it's very important to your emotional health that you proceed on your own internal timetable and not to follow anyone else's. Best of luck to you.
Kind wishes,
Didn't know how to E-mail you so This will work.
I worry about my problem only when something bad happens Because I can tell I search myself looking for pain or sadness but I come up empty I think maybe that this was the way I was built so I could be my familys "emotinal Rock"
again thank you for your advice and if you every need any feel free to ask me
Respectfully
Jimi. A.K.A Dimitris.
Hello Jimi, I am happy to have the chance to follow-up with you on this issue. Keep in mind, that you might have been "built this way" (as you put it) or you may have recognized a need in your family for an emotional rock and internally that is what you have become, a void you have filled, so to speak.
Being an emotional rock for you family is a huge undertaking. It's commendable and no doubt, has been appreciated by your loved ones, however, please be sure that you find outlets for yourself. Your stoicism has created a safe place for everyone else to release their grief, but you must take care of yourself as well.
Perhaps you would feel better about things if you focused on honoring your lost loved ones in your memory. I know this might sound crazy, but before you go to bed each night, you could have a conversation with your Dad and/or Brother about how things are going for you. Allow them to be there for you (in your mind) even if they can't be here for you in body. It's just a suggestion and if it seems to whacky to you then feel free to disregard it, but I feel strongly that you should find a private way to address these losses.
Being an emotional rock is a noble effort, but if it becomes a sacrifice for you and a detriment to your own emotional health then there is no shame in hanging up your superhero cape. Simply recognizing and being aware of this role you have taken on in your family is a good start in being able to watch out for indicators that it's gotten out of hand for you.
No matter what, your desire to understand yourself and your willingness to look inside are both great indicators of your emotional depth. Best of luck to you.
Kind wishes,
I don't think I react to things the way I should,
I lost my father in 97 and I didn't cry all the much and I loved my father very much, then in 2002 I lost my Brother to A Car Crash, and I just don't think I was as sad as I should have been I know you guys are probally think I am cold hearted and made of stone. I fear the same I mean I feel regular emotions like LOVE and anger, and Joy. But when it comes to sadness I just kinda of go numb is something wrong with me, or am I just worrying too much?
I am sorry to hear about all the loss you have had to endure, and I think you might be too hard on yourself regarding what you perceive to be inadequte emotional responses to sadness.
Everyone reacts differently to extreme emotional situations. Some people cry hysterically and show their pain and grief outwardly and some deal with their pain more subtley. A noticeable expression of grief (or lack thereof) for the loss of a family member is in no way a measure of how much that person was loved.
It sounds as if you may have an internal defense mechanism that kicks in when you are faced with intense grief allowing you to become numb just to get through from day-to-day. If you were completely unable to feel any emotions, then I think you would have serious cause for concern. However, since you say that you experience feelings of love, anger and joy then you are clearly not completely closed-off from your feelings.
Although, I don't necessarily see an issue with the level of sadness you experienced, I do think it's important to make sure that you didn't simply "bottle up" or "stuff down" your feelings instead of dealing with them at all. If that is what happened, then I fear that those suppressed emotions will find ways of creeping up into your life in the future and probably at inopportune times. If you haven't already participated in grief counselling, you might want to give it a shot.
If you believe that you are not dealing with issues of grief supression and are just concerned that you weren't sad enough and didn't cry enough, then I think you need to cut yourself some serious slack. You shouldn't measure yourself against how you see others react. You are an individual and your grief process might be different from everyone else's - not more appropriate or less appropriate - just different. Again, I am sorry for your losses and I wish you the best in your quest for clarification about your feelings.
Kind wishes,
:/ well..ive been going through a lot lately. Im still not exactly sure whay happened...but one day after school my mom told me that dad went to the hospitol cuz hes depressed.A day later he got transferred to this phychiatric hospitol. (nothing like the padded walls where ppl are extremely crazy) but its a place for ppl who are depressed and stay there and see phychiatrists and stuff. I viisited him once but i acted coldly towards him...things were awkward plus i was scared. What can i do to make him feel better? I dont want to slip into depression also...how long could he be there for? Also..my Math A regents is coming up in jan. and i seriously need help in that...its jus so much goin on right now..
First, please DO NOT waste any energy feeling guilty about your reaction while visiting your father in the psychiatric ward. These facilities are extremely intimidating and scary and dealing with a hospitalized parent is a lot for a young person to process and handle.
I do, however, think it might be helpful for you (and for your father) to send him cards or letters while he is hosptialized. Initially, you can let him know that you love him and want him to get well and simply be honest that you acted coldly when visiting because you were nervous and uncomfortable about being in that setting. After that, you can just keep him informed about how you and the rest of the family are doing and that you are thinking of him and wishing him well.
Our society, as a whole, generally holds a lot of misconceptions about mental health diseases and seeking help can be pretty scary for an individual facing a mental health crisis. So, letting your Dad know that you care and are happy that he is getting help, even if it does scare you a bit, should make getting through this tough experience a little easier for him.
Also, it is common for children of parents with major mental health problems to struggle with mild forms of depression themselves. But, I don't tell you this to scare you, just to inform you. Being aware that you need to watch for patterns of depression in yourself can give you the edge that you need to get out in front of any depression problems that might start to surface. Don't be afraid to ask for help if you start to feel like you need it. And if you do begin to have problems with depression, know that you are not alone and it does not make you deficient in any way.
Your family is dealing with a disease and my advice would be to educate yourself as much as possible. If you know your father's specific diagnosis, then you can start learning about it over the internet or from a library. If you are not sure of his diagnosis, you could ask your mother if your father would be okay with her sharing that information with you so that you can educate yourself in an attempt to be more understanding of what your father and your family is facing.
I wish that I could tell you how long your father will be hospitalized, but I couldn't possibly know for sure. It really depends on his treatment plan and his progress. Please don't panic though. You can be supportive of your father and still focus on yourself. I'm sure that your father would want you to do well with your upcoming Math event and getting help with that will give you something to focus on besides what's going on with your family.
I know from experience that it can seem extremely unfair to have to deal with these kinds of issues at a young age when all you should have to worry about is being a teenager, but I promise you can get through this. Ultimately, the entire experience is likely to give you strength and understanding that you can't possibly imagine at the moment.
Be a loving child to your parents, be the best student you can "realistically" be and most importantly, be good to yourself and stay aware of what you need to keep yourself physically and mentally healthy. Focus on these things and try not to be too overwhelmed. My thoughts are with you and I wish you the best of luck in this difficult time.
Kind wishes,
I can't seen to find one great friend for myself. I really have no one to go to to laugh with and share my secrets with and most importantly, to dream with. Almost all of the people at my school don't seem to really want to hang out with me. Everyone that I've had up to this point has either gone away or betrayed me. It hurts. I consider a true friend to be someone that you would lay down your life for and they'd do the same for you any day and I used to have one like that, but he's gone now. What do I do?
Love,
Shana
When you said you consider "a friend to be someone that you would lay down your life for and they'd do the same for you" it made me smile, because I used to have the same attitude about friendship in my youth. Sadly, that way of of thinking brought me more disappointment from betrayals and heartbreak than I care to recall. I'm not saying that you won't ever have people to share this level of friendship with, but it is a very high standard to hold someone to and most people you interact with will not measure up to it.
This may sound harsh and even a little negative, but let me assure you that I have many close friends and I'm not trying to be melodramatic, however, through experience, I have found that ultimately, the best person to look out for you and your well being is you and you alone. While you can be willing to ACCEPT kind gestures and expressions of friendship from others greatfully, it's better to never EXPECT it as something you deserve or what you are owed. These expectations usually only serve to cause frustration as most people will let you down by acting in their own best interests regardless of how it affects you.
The good news is that eventually, you will find those few special people who, over time, will prove themselves to be the kind of friends that will have your back in most situations, who will drop everything to come to your aid and who genuinely want only good things for you. These are the friends to cherish and these are the friendships to sacrifice yourself for as they have been willing to do for you.
In the meantime, while you are waiting for these "true" friends to arrive in your life, focus on ways to find fulfillment internally. If you like to write, you can start journalling, or even more fun, dream journalling. If you are a reader, pick topics that interest you and make a commitment to find materials on those subjects to read about and expand your knowledge. There are tons of things you can do to work on your own self development. And as a bonus, spending time developing your internal self is likely to draw to you the kinds of people that you would be interested in developing friendships with.
The bottom line is that I admire your feelings of dedication toward friends; however, I believe it might be better for you to not expect so much from others. Then, you can be pleasantly surprised when someone returns your level of care and commitment but not bitterly disappointed when people don't measure up. Best of luck to you.
Kind wishes,
Ok there's this guy that I met a little less than a week ago at a party and he asked me for my number. The next day he called me and I invited him to come to the haunted house with me and all my friends. He lives in another town but it's really close... like he walked to my house. Anyway.. after the haunted house we all went to my house to watch scary movies and me and him were like all cuddling and shit and we wound up making out.. I feel like I've known this guy forever and we have so much in common.. So i guess what I'm tryin to say is that is it bad that we hooked up the day after we met?? he even told me he loves me already ..
--confused
First of all, I urge you to be cautious of anyone who declares their love to you after such a short period of time. While I think it's great that he is willing to share his feelings with you, he either is not being sincere or is unclear about what it means to be "in love".
I am not, however, telling you not to enjoy your time with this boy, just to be careful not to get caught up in his "too soon" love declaration. It sounds like you two have made a connection and unless there is more to the story, I don't see any reason for you to not move forward with a relationship. As far as "hooking up" the day after you met, if you truly did just make out with him and you didn't compromise yourself or go farther than you felt comfortable with, then I don't see a problem. If you are concerned about him making assumptions about your willingness to be more physical in the near future, then just be honest with him about what you are and are not ready for physically.
The bottom line is, you found someone you enjoy being with -- so ENJOY it! Just remember to keep a rational head and not jump on the "love train" just yet. Love is something you can grow into with someone, not something that happens after one date. Best of luck to you.
Kind wishes,
My husband and I are in our mid-40's with no children and have just completed building a second home (our dream home) on a lake near the mountains. It is a one bedroom house that took almost 4 years of our lives to build and every penny we could scrape together.
My husband has friends from out of the area that want to "freeload" on us...and he thinks it is great! The more the merrier and the bigger the party!
His friends are all married and all have many children. They want to come up in groups and stay with us. This past weekend several families camped at a campground a few miles away, but "stayed" at our place the entire weekend...the only thing they did at the campground was sleep (and thank goodness for that).
When they entere the house to use the bathroom, or whatever, they would go through drawers and look behind closet doors.
I do not want these people in our house, much less there when we are not there.
Please give me advise on how to get my husband to understand my position.
These folks are nice I suppose, but they all drink a lot (even in front of children) and influence my husband to do the same, to miss church and to ignore business calls when they are around. We are professionals, they all have 8 to 5 jobs with little to no responsibilities and not a lot of income.
My husband wants to give them a key and the code to the burgular alarm system.
We are headed straight for a divorce, I am afraid without help...and he refuses to see a counselor, although I did spend several months last year in counseling alone.
Thank you for any advise you can share with me.
First of all, in the "it always feels good to know that someone agrees with your point of view" department, let me say that I feel you are totally justified in your frustrations and disgust with this situation.
Clearly, you and your husband have different ideas of how your second home should be used - you wanting a quiet place to enjoy time with your mate and your husband wanting a party house that he can share with his friends. His willingness to offer up your home when you are not around seems to be either a reckless sense of generosity or a misguided attempt to gain the respect and admiration of his peers through an overt display of his assets.
However, since in a marriage there is always more than one point of view, I feel that your only productive course of action involves compromise. Perhaps you could agree to divide your total number of visits to the cabin into halves, with half of the visits spent sharing the space with family and friends and an equal number of visist spent alone, just the two of you together enjoying the solitude.
Additionally, for liability reasons alone, not to mention protection of a monetarily and sentimentally valuable investment property, you need to make your husband agree that an invitation for others to use your second home should only occur at times when you will be present to supervise. As far as how your invited guests act while in your home, the bottom line is - IT IS YOUR HOME. You should not be shy or feel guilty about verbalizing your disapproval of others' invasive and inappropriate actions.
I am sorry to hear that your husband has been unwilling, thus far, to participate in counselling, but I applaud your effort to seek assistance on your own. It seems that you have a lot of boundary issues to concentrate on in your marriage and, although I am advocating compromise, I urge you not to resolve this conflict by completely giving in to your husband's disregard for your concerns. Either way, it seems that you have a difficult road ahead of you and I wish you the best of luck in finding a solution that works for you and your marriage.
Kind wishes,
Do you think its possible to fall in love online. Because I met this guy and I feel like I'm falling for him. Hes so sweet. I'm almost scared because I feel that I love himso much. I don't wanna get hurt.
I will start by stating that The Romantic in me believes very strongly that love can be waiting for you anywhere, around any corner, in any situation. So, following this logic, then certainly, love could find you on-line.
Another part of me, The Realist, knows that people sometimes tend to believe themselves to be "in love" when in reality they are intoxicated by the dizzying effects of the early stages of a new relationship. I don't know the specifics of your situation, so I won't assume this is the case; however, it is something for you to think about.
Alas, there is yet another part of me, we'll call her The Skeptic. My inner skeptic takes a hard look at every situation, analyzing every conceivable angle and she doesn't allow me to give away my love and trust for free, but only to those who have truly earned them.
Now, I know that, so far, my answer seems a bit schizophrenic but bear with me because I'm coming around to the point. I am just as willing to acknowledge my inner skeptic as I am to embrace my inner romantic because together they keep me happy and safe all at the same time. [I hope I don't really need to say this, but first and foremost, regardless of your developing feelings, you must make sure that the information you're receiving from this person is true and accurate. I am basing my advice on the assumption that you have already ensured your physical safety in this scenario.]
Moving on, I don't doubt that you have genuine feelings for this guy, but realize that having an in-person relationship with someone will be more complex than a cyber one. In addition, if an in-person relationship is not possible due to distance or other limiting factors, then you are left with a relationship that can lead to separation angst and other frustrations that may be equal to or possibly greater than the joy it brings you.
Taking all of this into consideration, if you are still feeling like you want to continue to grow this relationship, my advice is to go ahead and follow your heart, but keep your eyes wide open and keep your brain in the game. Your heart is usually likely to talk louder than your head, but both voices need to be listened too. Without having more specific information about your circumstances, I don't think it would be appropriate for me to give more specific advice, but hopefully some of these thoughts will help. Best of luck to you.
Kind wishes,
alright.. well im 14 and in 9th grade.. i just moved and started a new school and all.. and i made friends and all but i met this one guy that i really really like.. i sit with him at lunch everytime me and him have lunch together, he seems really nice and all but i think i like him more then a friend.. me and him are really starting to get close and im thinking about wanting to go to the homecoming dance with him, but i dont want to ask him i want him to ask me lol, well idk how i should like hint it out that i wana go with him, does anyone have any suggestions on how to hint this to him? i could really use the help :)
Perhaps you could simply bring up the topic of the dance at lunch. You could ask him if he is planning to go. That should at least start a conversation about the dance. And, if he wants to ask you but has been waiting for the right time, then you will have just provided it for him.
Keep in mind that he might be embarrased to just ask you outright, so if he seems nervous and throws the question back at you, [For example: "I don't know, what do you think about the dance?"] then you could make a statement that you think you would like to go, but that, so far, nobody has asked you. Letting him subtly know that you already want to go might help him if he has a fear of being "shot down". Best of luck to you.
Kind wishes,
How, after several years, does someone go about dealing with the grief over the death of a loved one?
For some people, the grief over losing a loved one never goes away. However, in time, the severity of the grief should lessen to the extent that it does not hinder your moving on with your life, engaging in day-to-day tasks, and continuing healthy relationships with family and friends.
Perhaps, group or individual counselling could help to make your grief more manageable. I think it's important to realize that it's okay to be happy and successful in this life without your loved one, and allowing yourself joy and happiness does mean that you are forsaking them. You honor your loved one by taking care of yourself and living your life in a positive way.
I don't know what your personal religious beliefs are, but I believe that you will be reunited eventually, but for now there is more work for you to do here. However, know that you can continue to draw on the love and support of your loved one until it's time for you to move on from this world.
Without knowing more of the specifics of your situation, I feel that I can only make the generalized statements above, but I sincerely hope that you find the best way for you to move past your grief and into the next phase of your life successfully. Best of luck to you.
Kind wishes,
Hi guys, This may sound weird comming form a 22 yera old but my doctor was no help when I asked her this question. Some imput from you guys might be good. I have been on and off of the pill sence I have been 15. I recently started up again after being off of them for a few years. This is my second month. I know the hormones are supose to affect you but I am finding myself very moody. I have never had bad PMS or every been moody. I find myself wanting to cry a lot more for no reason, or just really snippy at everyone. I hate this its not me. I was always happy and I loved everyone. The last 2 months have been hell with these mood swings. I am even snapping at my BF whom I love more than anything in the world. I dont want this new attitude to ruin anything we have. I am really worried. I dont want to be off the pill cause we are not ready for kids yet. Is there anything I can do to get back to normal? Thanks guys I really appreciate your info. *Christin*
This actually happened to my former roommate when she went back on the pill in her mid twenties after a period of time not being on it. She found that her hormones were totally out of whack and, although she was normally a totally upbeat person, she began crying every day. She finally figured out it was the pill and she talked to her doctor about changing to a lower dose pill. I know that for some people, that is all it takes to get back on track and for others, they find that they can't handle the pill at all.
But talk to your Doc for sure, they are used to dealing with this sort of issue. Hopefully, an adjustment in the kind of pill you take will do the trick. Best of luck to you.
Kind wishes,