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Unwanted Guests visiting
My husband and I are in our mid-40's with no children and have just completed building a second home (our dream home) on a lake near the mountains. It is a one bedroom house that took almost 4 years of our lives to build and every penny we could scrape together.
My husband has friends from out of the area that want to "freeload" on us...and he thinks it is great! The more the merrier and the bigger the party!
His friends are all married and all have many children. They want to come up in groups and stay with us. This past weekend several families camped at a campground a few miles away, but "stayed" at our place the entire weekend...the only thing they did at the campground was sleep (and thank goodness for that).
When they entere the house to use the bathroom, or whatever, they would go through drawers and look behind closet doors.
I do not want these people in our house, much less there when we are not there.
Please give me advise on how to get my husband to understand my position.
These folks are nice I suppose, but they all drink a lot (even in front of children) and influence my husband to do the same, to miss church and to ignore business calls when they are around. We are professionals, they all have 8 to 5 jobs with little to no responsibilities and not a lot of income.
My husband wants to give them a key and the code to the burgular alarm system.
We are headed straight for a divorce, I am afraid without help...and he refuses to see a counselor, although I did spend several months last year in counseling alone.
Thank you for any advise you can share with me.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
First of all, in the "it always feels good to know that someone agrees with your point of view" department, let me say that I feel you are totally justified in your frustrations and disgust with this situation.
Clearly, you and your husband have different ideas of how your second home should be used - you wanting a quiet place to enjoy time with your mate and your husband wanting a party house that he can share with his friends. His willingness to offer up your home when you are not around seems to be either a reckless sense of generosity or a misguided attempt to gain the respect and admiration of his peers through an overt display of his assets.
However, since in a marriage there is always more than one point of view, I feel that your only productive course of action involves compromise. Perhaps you could agree to divide your total number of visits to the cabin into halves, with half of the visits spent sharing the space with family and friends and an equal number of visist spent alone, just the two of you together enjoying the solitude.
Additionally, for liability reasons alone, not to mention protection of a monetarily and sentimentally valuable investment property, you need to make your husband agree that an invitation for others to use your second home should only occur at times when you will be present to supervise. As far as how your invited guests act while in your home, the bottom line is - IT IS YOUR HOME. You should not be shy or feel guilty about verbalizing your disapproval of others' invasive and inappropriate actions.
I am sorry to hear that your husband has been unwilling, thus far, to participate in counselling, but I applaud your effort to seek assistance on your own. It seems that you have a lot of boundary issues to concentrate on in your marriage and, although I am advocating compromise, I urge you not to resolve this conflict by completely giving in to your husband's disregard for your concerns. Either way, it seems that you have a difficult road ahead of you and I wish you the best of luck in finding a solution that works for you and your marriage.
Kind wishes,
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Try sitting him down and talking to him. Tell him exactly what you typed here. He should understand and if he doesn't then I think a divorce would be best for you. Talk to his friends too and tell them that you would like a little privacy with your husband and aren't really getting what you need with them around all the time. I hope I helped and Good Luck!!
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tell him if thats the way he feels he should live with his friends in your old house while you stay here with your kids then when he grows up he can come live with you. if you sold your old house allready tell him to go to a hotel. or you can do little things like locking rooms (assuming you have locks) or better yet change the security code and dont tell your husband
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He wants to give them access to the house? no way would I allow that. Don't do it. Tell him that you just honestly aren't comofortable with these poeple having keys to your home. Besides, what is the need for it? They wouldn't be coming to visit you, why should they be in your house without you? And giving them the burglar system code is just dangerous. I honestly think you should just sit down with your husband and tell him all this. I'm sure you have, but tell him that things are going downt he drain quickly. He should listen. I like the idea of having them down twice a month. They can visit and you don't have to get any unexpected visitors.
~Laura~
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i am a 13 year old kid, i dont think you would be wanting to hear from me but i think you should confront your husband and tell him what you told me.
Hope you stay together and not divorse.<3
-ryan
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Since he wants his friends over so much, instead of having their little get-togethers every weekend, how about twice a month? That way your both happy. Or when their over there, you can leave the house for a few hours so you dont have to put up with the noise, and all that stuff. You need to talk to your husband, communication is the one thing you need in any relationship. Sorry if I didnt help much, i'm only 14...but I hope you and your husband sort things out!
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i think you should sit down and talk to him about how you feel and if he loves you he will listen eventually.
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