|
My step daughter has hygene issues, what do I do?
My husband and I get my stepdaughter every other week. We love having her and she is a very well behaved kid for her age. Our problem is her hygene. We have both talked to her at length, both gentley and sternly about her issues with being clean. When we get her it's clear that she hasn't had a shower, washed her hair or sometimes brushed her teeth in 3 or more days. She smells so bad that we end up riding home with the windows open. Her hair is a mass of dreds that take me upwards of an hour to brush out. She also needs to be reminded when she's at our house to do things that most kids just do at her age (13). For example; Did you wash your hands after changing your tampon? NO. Did you brush your teeth today? No. Did you use soap in the shower? That answer has been NO on occasion. Did you use deoderant? NO. I am at a loss. A kid her age should want to be clean. When I was her age all I wanted was a curling iron and lip gloss. She'd go a month with out touching soap and be fine with it. I know this problem is sometimes a side effect of Sexual abuse or drugs but none of these things are present in her life. Positively. I am wondering if I am overreacting and it's something she will outgrow or if I should be looking for a therapist. Thanks in advance for any feedback.
MLD
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Domesticity category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Parenting?
Well, I'm glad that you have ruled out sexual abuse or drugs because these can certainly be factors in an adolescent's poor hygiene regimen. However, I do wonder how you can be so certain that these things do not exist for her if she is only in your care 50% of the time. I don't mean to question or doubt what you say, I just urge you to look at her situation very carefully. Is this hygiene issue new or has she always been this way? Has her attitude or outlook on life changed? Is she more withdrawn now than she once was? Obviously, it's difficult to give advice with limited information, but I will share several thoughts that occurred to me while reading your question.
Since you are clearly in a shared custody situation, is it possible that your stepdaughter is having some emotional issues with this arrangement? Certainly you can't necessarily change the situation, but it might be more of a problem for her than she has let on to you in the past. In our society today, children are having to become more flexible and adaptable due to divorced parents, step-parents, step-siblings, new half siblings, etc. However, some children (and adults for that matter) need more stability and comfort than these situations normally provide. Sadly you have little to no control over her environment on the weeks that she is not under your care, however, you can make every effort to provide constancy for her while she is with you. The stability I'm speaking about isn't limited to the hygiene issue at hand. It can be a schedule for her life and activities that is set and that she can depend on while in your home. Some children really need more than standard structure in order to thrive.
Another thought I had is on a more delicate issue. At her age while she probably doesn't have the mental and emotional maturity to understand sexual feelings her physical body may be awakening in that way. This can be confusing and off putting for her and she could be acting out against what seems "wrong" to her on some level. If you or your husband haven't already, you might want to consider talking to her about her body. It doesn't have to be a conversation about sex specifically, but she may need to understand herself better and hear that the things she might be feeling or experiencing are shared universally and not exclusive to her. I may be way off on this, but it's just a thought that came to me with the little bit of information I had to go on.
Lastly, she may simply be lazy and you and your husband might have to continue to lay down the law about acceptable hygiene practices while in your care and hope that she begins carrying on with these practices when away from you. Perhaps you could request that her mother be more diligent about following up on her daughter's hygiene when they are together. Her mother may just assume that her daughter is old enough to take care of herself in these ways and she may require a bit of prodding to get onboard with your combined "cleanliness babysitting" but it will be worth it if you can change her bad habits.
However, if she is just lazy (which some kids just are) then you should notice that she is lazy about other things in her life and not simply hygiene. If the laziness/indifference seems to be specific to only her hygiene, then I think a deeper issue exists. If you are unable to find the issue and deal with it as a family, then it might be in her best interests to find a counselor. Ultimately, when you are acting from a place of love and concern while allowing consideration for her individuality and any special needs she might have then you can't go wrong.
I know this answer was a bit all over the place, but hopefully I have provided a perspective that, even if not directly on the mark, could be helpful in that it might spark thinking in a new direction for you.
Kind wishes,
]
More Questions: |