|
WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?
THIS MAY SEEM A LITTLE CRAZY TO YOU, IT DOES TO EVERYONE ELSE,SO I AM LEFT WITH NO ONE TO TALK TO ABOUT IT, BECAUSE EVERYONE JUST THINKS I'M NUTS, BUT HERE GOES...MY BF AND I HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 11 YEARS. I LOVE HIM MORE THEN ANYTHING.
I QUESTION HOW HE FEELS ABOUT ME. HE HAS THIS LITTLE DOG, WHOM WAS AROUND BEFORE ME. SHE IS CRIPPLED AND OLD AND HE ADORES HER. HE SLEEPS WITH HER RIGHT NEXT TO HIM (HE WANTS TO CUDDLE WITH HER, BUT I GOT TIRED OF IT AND MADE HIM PUT HER OFF THE BED, SO SHE IS RIGHT NEXT TO THE BED AT HIS HEAD WHERE HE CAN REACH HER TO SLEEP WITH HIS HAND ON HER.) HE RUNS TO HER AT HER EVERY BARK, HE SHOWERS WITH HER, IS ALWAYS PETTING AND RUBBING HER, TELLING HER HOW MUCH HE LOVES HER. MY PROBLEM IS THAT HE WONT GIVE ME EVEN HALF THE ATTENTION HE GIVES THAT DOG. HE ALWAYS TELLS ME THAT SHE'S A DOG, YOUR SICK TO COMPAIR MY FEELINGS FOR YOU AND MY FEELINGS FOR MY DOG. HE IS NOT INTO SEX, HE MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I AM NOT ATTRACTIVE (BUT I AM ACCORDING TO EVERYONE ELSE-I LOOK ALOT LIKE ROSEANNA ARQUETTE, SO I'M TOLD)BUT HE MAKES ME CRY AND HURTS MY FEELINGS, AND WHEN I TELL HIM THESE THINGS HE JUST SAYS HE DONT CARE. I DO EVERYTHING FOR HIM (HE'S DISABLED AND DONT DRIVE, I WAIT ON HIM, I TAKE CARE OF HIM, I DO EVERYTHING FOR HIM). BUT WHEN I ASK FOR SOMETHING, (I AM VERY INDEPENDANT) ITS OF THE EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL CLOSNESS SORT, I JUST GET PUT OFF, SET ASIDE, AND HE CAN JUST GO OFF TO SLEEP KNOWING THAT I AM IN THE OTHER ROOM CRYING BECAUSE OF HIS BEHAVIOR. HOW DO I GET HIM TO UNDERSTAND THAT HE IS HURTING ME TO THE POINT THAT I JUST WANT TO GO AWAY, AND FORGET ABOUT HIM AND ALL OF IT? I DONT UNDERSTAND HOW HE CAN SAY HE LOVES ME, BUT HIS ACTIONS SAY OTHERWISE. HE IS ALSO BIPOLAR. OUR AGES ARE 35 HIM 38 ME. I JUST WANT HIM TO SHOW ME THE AFFECTION THAT I NEED, BUT HE JUST DONT GET IT, BUT THE DOG DOES!!
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Well, I must say that although the attention and affection that your boyfriend shows his dog may seem excessive, I don't see any real problem with his relationship with the dog. I do, however, see problems with his relationship with you. From your question, I see three major issues that I'd like to address: lack of emotional support/affection; unbalanced caregiver role; and his mental health/illness.
First, eleven years is certainly a long time to be with someone. It's possible that your boyfriend has just gotten too comfortable and lazy about the need for ongoing care of your emotional relationship. He is certainly not alone in this deficiency. Even the best boyfriends and husbands can be oblivious to the fact that women sometimes need the reassurances and TLC that they (guys) are somehow able to thrive without. At the same time, we often forget that, for some men, these actions do not come naturally. In turn, we can expect too much and are disappointed by what we perceive as meager efforts to placate us. The trick is to take a look at your relationship and try to determine if your boyfriend is showing his love for you in other ways that are more "familiar" to him. If he is, then the problem is not his love for you, but his inability to display it in the ways that you want. Sometimes, a compromise is in order and we need to cut our clueless guys a little slack and accept that we did not fall in love with an emotionally "touchy-feely" person. However, if you determine that your boyfriend is making no effort to show his love and affection is his own unique way, and he is truly just completely taking you for granted, then you may have come to the end of this road. Relationships take effort to maintain - always. If you can't make your boyfriend understand that, then you may have to move on.
As far as you being his caregiver, this is a slippery slope indeed. It is especially important in these types of relationships that each person work hard to maintain a healthy emotional connection outside of the physical dependency. Simply put, a home-care nurse is a paid employee. She does her job and she goes home. A girlfriend is someone that you share your heart and your life with. In your situation, you are both and I commend you for your dedication. However, the two of you need to find a way to distinguish your interactions together so that you don't continue to build resentments about having to take care of him and so that he doesn't continue to build resentments about being taken care of. In a caregiver/care receiver relationship the line between what you need and what someone else needs from you can be easily blurred. Take time to mentally separate from the situation and think about what you both need to make it better. Possibly some outside support would help. Besides, if your boyfriend is solely dependent upon you for his every need, that probably causes him a great deal of distress and makes him feel inadequte. Maybe bringing in some outside help, which gives him an opportunity to interact with someone else, would change the dynamic of your relationship for the better. I obviously do not know all of the specifics of your situation, so this may not be a viable option, but I use it as an example to show that there are changes you can make (big and small) in an attempt to effect a change in both of your outlooks.
Finally, having a relationship with someone suffering from a mental illness is a complicated matter. It can be hard to distinguish when cruel or distant behavior is an involuntary side effect of the illness or a conscious choice made by an indifferent boyfriend. It's a nightmare for the person dealing with all of that confusion in their minds and it can seem equally as awful for a loved one, as I'm sure it's made you feel like you were "crazy" from time to time. It's important to remember that a lot of his behavior is out of his control and due to the illness, but at the same time, realize that some of his behavior is within his control and should not be rationalized away. (I did say it was complicated.)
Now after all of that blah blah blah, in the end, I have no easy solutions for you; however I do have a suggestion. I think it's important for you to be direct with your boyfriend. State the facts about your situation and let him know that you love him. Let him know that you are willing to continue to take care of him and that you understand both his physical and mental health limitations. However, you need to make it clear that you have expectations of him that you are not willing to put aside. Be realistic about what you expect of him, but be specific. Then, tell him that unless he is physically unable to comply with your expectations or he is in the middle of a mental health crisis (which should not be every day) then you are not willing to put your own needs aside. Make sure that he knows that you love him but that you can no longer live in an environment where you feel unappreciated and unloved. If you make it clear that you want to stay but you need some change, then you are giving him every chance to hold onto you and your love. Although he will probably initially lash out, get defensive and tell you to leave if you aren't happy, if you continue to assure him that you are not looking for an excuse to LEAVE but that you are looking for reasons to STAY, hopefully he will come around. If he doesn't, then I'm afraid that you may have to move on, as hard as that might be for both of you.
I didn't know how to answer this simply and I know that I've gone on and on, but hopefully you can find a shred of something here to help you. You are in an extremely complicated situation, but I think you should put all the complexities aside and remember this bottom line: If you do not take care of yourself, eventually, you will not be able to take care of anyone else. I sincerely wish you the best of luck.
Kind wishes,
]
More Questions:<<< Previous Question: ...
| Next Question >>> picture
|
|