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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
The condom broke and I had to take the PlanB pill, the next day me and my baby daddy had sex (couldnt help it)and wasnt able to have access to a condom. So we did the pull out thing, because we did that, I had to take a another planB pill. I took the two technical dosages within 3 days, in which they have possibly overlapped. Do you think that because I took it the first time do you think it would have prevented me from getting pregnant when we did it the second time? I tried looking it up online, but it didnt specify or was unclear. So for future references and curiosity sake... what do you think?
The Answer
No, your previous use of PlanB would not have protected you in the second case. Or, more specifically, it wouldn't have protected you very well, even if it did.
HOWEVER, there is a much more serious problem here: It's called PlanB for a reason. It shouldn't be 'Plan-oh-well-there-were-no-condoms-but-we-were-horny'. It’s not ‘just like’ birth control pills; it’s different and more potent. It's a medication. Using a medication differently then it was intended is never smart, or responsible.
This isn't about a sex thing, so please don't think I'm trying to insult you for having unprotected sex, the issue is you should NEVER use medication differently then it is intended. NEVER.
PlanB hasn't been tested for that kind of frequent use. There is reason to believe that PlanB would not be safe if taken regularly, it can cause cardiac issues and issues with blood circulation and clotting… that is without even mentioning its other ‘normal’ side effects. But there are no tests or evidence, because it’s not supposed to be used that way anyways...
If you don't want too or can't use condoms take a regular birth control pill, and take them properly. Do not rely on frequent use of PlanB.
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The Question
17, female.
I'm seeing this guy [19, obviously male] and he's been super sweet to me. He walks me home, walks with me [and friends] to school, texts me all throughout the day and even sits close to me in class. Well, today, I found out why he was beat up in the past.. he cheated on his ex-girlfriend. I don't know the whole story [why it was done, what she did, etc.]. I don't wanna just come out and ask him cause that would be very awkward.
I like this guy a lot, so I guess I'm just trying to find out if he'd cheat again? A friend told me to watch out for lies and the answer should be in his personality. So far, I've noticed nothing wrong. I don't wanna go too far with him and find out it was just for tail or something. Please help! (:
The Answer
The whole point of getting to know someone is getting to know them well enough to gently talk about things like this prior to going 'too far'.
Really, that is the point.
You want to get to a place with someone where you can say "So... about this thing that worries me..."
Unless you are looking for random (read: risky & irresponsible) play, you really should be able to deal with these awkward questions prior to anything happening.
I know that sounds a bit crazy when you are insecure and inexperienced, but it’s as true now as it will be when you are (hopefully) a more confident adult. It’s conversations like these that you MUST learn to have to save yourself the time and embarrassment of dating assholes. Now, I don't require a full dating history from everyone I date, but before things get serious there are a few things I rather know about a person:
1.) When where they last tested for STD's
2.) About how long have they been single.
3.) How did their last relationship end.
Learn how to ask these sort of questions now, because they will always be a bit awkward, but you'll save yourself a whole bunch of time if you can just get it over with and get the information you need before you 'go too far'.
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The Question
I heard about the DOW going down the most it has ever in one single day after the bailout bill was rejected. So, what does all of this mean for us, as normal US citizens and tax payers?
Are we going into recession?
My best friend said it was going to be just as bad as The Great Depression! Is that true?
Maybe someone knows or understands more than I do about all this and can explain what is going on with the United States.
What is our biggest worry right now? Should we prepare for the worst? And how would we go about that sort of preparation?
The Answer
It's unlikely that we are going to plunge into a depression. Not impossible, but pretty unlikely. Technically, economists wouldn't even call what is currently happening a recession, although it’s likely we are headed for one or will experience something very similar. The economy has been generally strong for a very long time and right not it's not strong. It's not horrible. It's just not good.
There is a saying that goes "It's a recession when your neighbor looses his job. It's a depression when you loose yours." A lot of what is in the news right now is about perception and panic, not about reality.
Major banks and lending companies are NOT failing in the way they did during the great depression, and there is little reason to believe they will. Over a thousand banks where closed only back in the late 80s... We haven't hit anywhere near that mark yet and even that isn't as bad as the great depression, and that didn't cause us all to starve and loose our homes either.
There is NO recession, not in the technical sense. It simple has not happened yet.
There is NO substantial job loss. Employment has been declining, which is sad and unpleasant, but not at a terrifying rate.
What should your biggest worry be right now? Debt and Savings.
I wouldn’t even call these ‘worries’, really, this is just common sense, something most people have not been using when it comes to money.
Don’t take on any debt you cannot handle. If you can’t afford it, don’t buy it. This is a good rule for life. If you already are carry credit card debt pay it down ASAP. Pay down your car ASAP too, as those loans tend to have the highest interest rates. If you are carrying ‘good debt’ such as debt from a mortgage or education, be economical and pay off as much as you can each time, don’t just make the minimums. A recession can hurt anybody, but it will always hurt the person who is carrying more debt then they can handle.
As for savings: Once you’ve got any debt under control it’s time to save. This isn’t the kind of economic climate where you should be splurging on new toys and shiny things. You should always have an emergency fund that would allow you to live without working for three months. This is a good rule of thumb even when there is a strong economy, because you never know when illness or family troubles might strike.
There is no recession yet, but people should be and will need to be tightening their belts. There is less money in everyone’s pocket, not because we are getting poor, but because there is less easy credit and people have become nervous about spending more then they actually have We, as individuals, as countries, and as corporations have been overspending for years and now we must compensate for that irresponsibility. However, I am optimistic (um, but I’m also Canadian by the by), that although the next few years will be more difficult, there really isn’t any reason to panic. Simply behave responsibly. If you do that, at the moment there is no reason to be terrified, just to be frugal.
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The Question
I will be traveling across the country next month and have been debating about the safest way of travel. I was interested on going on the bus, but recent activities have really frightened me about traveling by Greyhound. I always thought it would be exciting to ride through cities on the bus heading to my destination and now I'm thinking about skipping travel by Greyhound bus and flying instead for safety reasons.
The Greyhound also has the advantage of a lower cost than a flight. Greyhound's low price is really a good thing, but the fear of being hurt on the bus is outweighing it for me right now.
For anyone who doesn't know what I'm talking about, there was a horrific murder that happened on a Greyhound bus on July 30, 2008 in Canada. A passenger on the Greyhound bus actually murdered another passenger during their trip. The entire stabbing/decapitation process happened right in front of the ENTIRE (37 other passengers) bus and nobody did anything to save the passenger being attacked and, ultimately, killed. It scares me that it happened so easily.
I really need advice about this. Is it really safe to ride on the Greyhound buses now? Should I not travel by Greyhound bus? When would it be safe to begin traveling by Greyhound again--or will it never be safe to travel by Greyhound?
The Answer
It is exactly as safe now, as it ever was, and ever will be, to travel by Greyhound bus.
In fact, it might even be safer now! Since employees and patrons are sure to be on their guard and new measures have been implemented for safety.
The simple fact is that the man who committed that horrible murder was mentally ill. Sane people don’t do what he did. He was mentally ill when he went to work, and he was mentally ill when he walked the streets of his home town. He was mentally ill at the mall, and the grocery store… The fact that what happened, happened on a Greyhound bus, means nothing… It could have happened anywhere.
Also, I think you might need to take a look at what happened again. What happened took place without any warning, and by the time those other patrons had even realized what was taking place, the poor victim was already beyond saving. They exited the bus, locked the mad man inside and protected the living. Call me cold-hearted, but a hero to me isn’t the one who stayed to die with this poor hapless victim, a hero is someone who does the most good for the most people regardless of personal cost. What the other riders did, in leaving the bus and not interfering with an insane murder, was sensible and wise. If they had not been so levelheaded, more people certainly would have died on that bus.
Sick people live in this world and bad things happen for no reason.
That is the truth of this universe.
If you are going to live in fear of Greyhound busses, you might as well never leave your home again. Everywhere you go, you run that ridiculously small chance of being near a mentally ill person when they do something phenomenally sick and wrong.
When 9/11 happened, did people suddenly decide not to work in large buildings anymore? Did they stop flying in planes? Did they stop going to places which might be targets? Yes, some people did, but most didn’t and even those who did are generally over it by now. It’s not really any safer then it was before… people have just moved on. Most people realized that although what happened was horrific, it was quite unlikely that it happened once, and very unlikely to happen again.
So, I say take the Greyhound, just use your standard common sense and be aware of those around you. Just the same way you should be anywhere in life.
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The Question
I've been hearing really neat things about a television show called The Office. I looked up the cast and the main star of the series seems to be Steve Carell and it airs on NBC.
I heard The Office was quite funny and definately worth the watch but I do not have access to television at the moment. I am simply wondering if there is an online website to where I could watch this full show at, legally. I'm really interested in watching The Office online for free, if possible, and I would also prefer if I did not have to actually download episodes of The Office on my computer to watch.
Is there any such website or will I just have to catch The Office when I stay with my best friend?
The Answer
If you live in the states you can watch The Office legally online at the NBC website here http://www.nbc.com/The_Office/video/episodes/
If you don't live in the states, I'm pretty sure you can't watch it legally online, but you never know what a google search might turn up.
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The Question
Well this summer I made some stupid decisions and I got a fine for underage drinking. I am applying early to Brown University, and I was wondering if colleges do legal background checks on applicants?? I am really stressed about this
The Answer
Check your application materials.
For a college to legally do a criminal background check on their applicants, you MUST give them permission some place in those forms.
If you don't see it there, the school might still check out your academic history at high school, speak to the references you supplied, or look at you facebook and myspace pages, but without your permission they cannot get a criminal background check.
Many colleges do ask applicants for their permission to do criminal background checks, and even with that permission, many don't do them (they cost money after all). The best thing you can do if you find that your college requests permission is to call up an admissions officer and tell them the truth, tell them you knew it was dumb and ask them what you need to do about it.
Dollars to doughnuts they will tell you it’s not big deal, they are looking for violent criminals and deviants, not a teen who had a few beers.
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The Question
you arent a good advicenator! so grow up and give decent advice. and if that is you in the picture of isnt you arent the best looking person in the world just to throw that in their! but honestly you suck at giving ppl advice. give decent advice at least!
The Answer
I'm not certain who you are, or why you are upset with me. If I've wronged you somehow, I hope you will tell me how so I can explain and/or apologize.
I give rather good advice. Objectively, I know this. If you have some constructive criticism to offer, I'd love to hear it. However, stating your opinion is not constructive criticism, it's just a statement, and it's not a statement I agree with in the slightest.
Your choice to insult my appearance doesn't exactly give me much reason to consider your opinion very seriously either.
My best advice for you: Learn to be a bit more specific with your complaints. People can better address them that way, and you'll be more likely to be taken seriously.
Also, you might want to read the site rules.
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The Question
is weed like addictive?
i don't know my friends wanted me to try it with them.
and i know the whole drugs are bad for you.
but we just wanna try it once so we can be like nooo don't do it!!
and someone told me that its good for you?
is it true?
i need an answer fast. please&thankyou
The Answer
No, weed isn't good for you.
Anyone who tells you that it makes you more creative, or helps you de-stress in the long term is bullshitting you. And it doesn’t make you any ‘more’ creative then you could be if you just relaxed and brainstormed without it, and in the long run pot is liable to make you more anxious, rather then calm. The idea that it shrinks tumors is just silly.
It's inhaling smoke, and that is never good for the human body. It also seriously addles your brain for several days after you smoke, your memory and ability to problem solve are impaired. In the short term, it can have the exact opposite effect of the one you intend and actually make you panic and paranoid, rather then mellow and relaxed...
There are of course other risks, especially if you have any heart or breathing troubles.
A lot of people still believe that marijuana is not addictive, but only habit-forming, like chocolate or biting your nails… That is a myth.
People who tell you marijuana is not addictive are either ignorantly spreading that myth, or blatantly choosing the truth that they prefer. That information is very out of date.
For a very long time doctors didn’t think marijuana was addictive, but they know now that they were incorrect. Marijuana is certainly much less addictive then say, cocaine, but it is still an addictive substance.
You can become addicted to marijuana. Just as not everyone who uses cocaine or drinks a beer once, will become an addict, not everyone who smokes weed once will be either. However, it can and does happen.
There is no reason to try marijuana once, there really isn’t. You know it’s not a good idea, and hey, it’s not like you’d kick a puppy once just to see what it was like right?
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The Question
I need this summarized for my class so if you can that'd be great:
"As the electrocal season hits full throttle, more and more voices are intoning the natra of "family values." The Instituate for American Values and its offshoot, the Council on Families in America, and other groups crusade on behalf of the supposed superiority of marries couple nuclear families, branding all other kinds of families second-rate--or worse. They are using the apparently objective language of social science to preach a sermon that we used to hear mainly in the fire and brimstone tones of the religious right. This quieted-down approach is having a major effect on Democratic Party and media rhetoric on family issues."
The Answer
We do not *do* people's homework for them here.
We are happy to offer advice or guidance if you don't understand something, but to simply do it for you would be unethical, and agianst the rules of this site.
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The Question
Ok a friend of mine was unjustly fired from his position by a vindictive branch manager. The reason that was given was that he did not follow a security procedure. After the unjust firing he wrote a detailed letter to the CEO of the bank that took over the bank he worked for. The detailed letter was sent to the CEO's home. After many emails to the second-in-command and a couple of follow-up letters to the CEO an employee relations specialist called him on the telephone. The Employee Specialist was on his side but there is only so much she could do. About two months ago the CEO decided that on Fridays Business Casual dress is allowed but this branch manager never showed the email to the staff because she did not believe in dress down. My friend emailed the Employee Relations person who did nothing. Also my friend wanted to know if he was eligible for rehire. When the employee specialist emailed back saying that she read his file on the incident and said no he isn't, this got my friend angry and wrote another letter to the CEO about how the branch manager beached policy by not giving his ex-coworkers the email and also wrote about the incident that got him fired. None of my friends excoworkers want this branch manager - they hate her but are afraid do anything about it because they are afraid she will get revenge. Also this branch manager was put on warning after my friends detailed letter. My question: Will the CEO investigate the beach of policy that the branch manager did and could she be fired for it? Here is the body of the letter my friend wrote: “Not to long ago I emailed Employee Relation concerning the branch manager telling Employee Relations about the email concerning Business Casual Dress on Fridays. Here is what I told Employee Relations and now you: When the email came out to each branch manager that Friday’s will be Business Casual Dress the Branch Manager never showed the email to my ex-coworkers due to the fact she did not feel it was appropriate to dress down. Isn’t this a breach of procedure and disobeying you. The only reason that my ex-coworkers knew about Business Casual Dress on Fridays is when they spoke to people who work in other branches. When the Branch Manager realized that my ex-coworkers knew about Business Casual Dress on Fridays the Branch Manager then showed them the email. My ex-coworkers told me what happened and how they found out about the email. In addition my ex-coworkers do NOT want this branch manager as the branch manager but are afraid to contact you due to the fact she will write them up and twist and turn an incident to get the employee fired. My ex-coworkers do not trust the branch manager at all.
And here is the other issue I am writing you about - me. Back in November of 2007 the branch manager singled me out among all the staff to say I refused to be the look out when the branch was to be opened one Wednesday morning. This incident was never investigated. The branch manager played judge and jury and handed out the verdict and convinced the old bank (higher-ups) that I did not follow procedure. Why wasn’t I questioned by an old bank Higher Up? Why did they just take her word for it? I feel that I was fired unjustly. The day in question I was there along with the rest of the staff - so why I was I singled out when there were about eleven other staff members there on that Wednesday morning as well. And do you know that day it was only 20 degrees outside and the wind chill factor was making it minus something. And the only reason I was there that early was because of the Wednesday morning meetings that the branch manager wanted otherwise I would have been there at my regular starting time which was 8:30am (Eastern Standard Time). Yet the branch manager is still working at the branch even though she breached policy not to long ago. The branch manager should be fired for breach of policy due to the fact she withheld the email about Business Casual Dress and in addition lying and twisting and turning things around to suit her needs.”
In large corporations policies are not at the will of the employee, policies are mandatory. So yes Business Casual on Fridays was MANDATORY.
And I asked my cousin who is a lawyer it is now illegal to fire at will, especially in large corporations: haven't you heard of lawsuits. Large corps try to avoid that. This branch manager is very vindictive.
The Answer
Your friend needs to stop this.
It is part of the job of the Employee Relations officer to decide if your friend was wrongfully dismissed and ALSO if this situation could look bad in a courtroom and fuel a lawsuit.
Since your friend was not eligible for re-hire, it is very unlikely that they have any legal leg to stand on. The threat of lawsuit at the end of this letter is empty, and the CEO likely knows it.
Trying to get their old boss fired, out of anger and vengeance, for this incident with the casual Friday e-mail is not very smart either. She isn’t going to get fired, and it only makes your friend appear vicious and irrational. With only that e-mail as 'proof' of dishonesty... well, that simply is not enough to dismiss a manager for. Unless there is a great deal more evidence and complaints against this manager, that incident and your friends opinion, are not going to get them fired.
She might be spoken too about this incident, but frankly, given your description of it, if she was going to be ‘spoken’ too, she probably already has been.
Your friend truly needs to not write any more letters to this company. If they really think they were wrongfully dismissed, they need to hire a lawyer and let the lawyer handle communications with the company. This letter was purely vindictive and will not be successful at either getting their old job back or getting the manager fired.
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The Question
I have a strange situation here. I'm 18/m, in college, and there is a girl in my class with whom I was really good friends with, then we added each other on myspace (I REALLY like her by now), I ask her to the movies, during the movie we cuddle/hold hands. If felt right and she was the one who initiated everything.
Then the next day she asks me if we are dating, to which I say yes, then she says that we should be going out instead, and on her profile she puts the 'in a relationship' status. Then the next day we have class together, and she seemed really seemed more quiet. That night she tells me she might be a lesbian, or bisexual, but she still really likes me and wants to work this out. Then she tells me she only likes me as a friend but we can still hang out and stuff. She changed her relationship status to single. We went out to dinner, it was awkward, and she kind of completely stopped talking to me since. I asked her about it and she told me she wasn't mad at me, and she'll explain next class. She didn't. I asked her about it again and she said she'll explain this weekend. Well, its Sunday night, and she still hadn't said a word to me. She won't even look at me.
I'm confused. First she was telling me how much she liked me (I believe she was being genuine, just trust me on this), then how she didn't like me that way and how she still wants to work this out, now she isn't talking to me at all. And we are in the same group of friends and she still talks to them. Whats happening? What should I do? She is 17 by the way but also in college.
The Answer
She rushed into this 'relationship' and then rushed right back out.
There isn't too much to understand about what happened here hun. She's not that interested in you, and she incapable of dealing with the other issues in her life in a mature, communcative way.
It would be nice if she would be clearer and more consistant in what she tells you, but after such a short aquiantance she doesn't OWE you a better explination.
Leave her alone. Be friendly in large groups, but don't show her any preference. She's been impolite and flakey. You'd be best to move on.
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The Question
my bf does't speak to his ex gf or anything anymore so i wouldn't really class them as mates, but she got beat up by her current bf the other day and my boyfriend went to see her =S When i asked him why he was going he said because she is his mate :S but they never talk so they can't really be that good mates can they. I have been with my bf for 10 months so it isn't as if he has just finished with his ex...he hasn't been with her for years. Do u think i should be bothered about this ? =\ I kinda am but i dont know if i should say anything to him... ? Please help ... would you be bothered ? Thanks x
The Answer
Ask yourself a different question:
Would you be bothered, if someone you once cared very deeply for, got beaten up?
Probably. It doesn't matter if they aren't really 'friends' anymore. They have a history and they were close once. If she had died, would you be bothered by him going to the funeral? Probably not. Him going would the proper show of affection and respect for a person he once cared deeply for.
There is no reason to automatically suspect him going to see her after she got beat up is much different.
Frankly, in your position, I'd be more bothered that some poor girl got assualted, then that my boyfriend had a senstive enough heart to be effected by it. I'd be the most bothered if he didn't give a damn that a girl he once cared for got hurt... That would be a bit creepy.
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The Question
I KNOW THIS MESSAGE IS LONG BUT PLEASE HELP ME :(
Hello i am 19 year old girl, i have a loving family and have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 3 years, he is my first ever boyfriend and my first in everything sex wise and relationship wise. ALOT has happened so i'll just tell you the simple version. The relationship started out fine in the beginning and then after about a year he started to get very argumentative and very angry later on that year he broke up with me and told me he slept with another girl and wore a condom BUT didnt cheat on me, and after a month he wanted to get back together, so i did, 3 months after we got back together i dragged out of him that he didnt in fact wear a condom so he lied to me, i undertook the correct precautions when he told me this and thankfully everything was fine with me and him so stayed with him despite the lie, 6 months later i then found out that he lied again when he said that he slept with the girl when we broke up he actually cheated on me, he acted very sorry and said the arguments would stop and things would change so i forgave him again.
Throughout all of this he has gained a very bad relationship with my mother and relatives, when we first got together my mum treated him extemley well but since the cheating he has been cocky and arrogant to my mother, when he was arguing at me again about a month a go, my mum got involved as she didnt like the way he was talking to me and he told her to 'shut her f***ing mouth.'
he refuses to take me out anywhere as he says he cant be bothered.
It has now been 6 months since these lies adn arguments and i feel now has been the final straw. my grandmother was ill and i told him that i could only see him for 3 hours, i told him this as his house he FLIPPED 'What the f*** you didnt tell me how dare you' i then said im leaving and he blocked the door i shouted and went into the living room, he blocked that door he wouldnt let me out i called my mother and he was in the background SHOUTING and SWEARING and he wouldnt let me out, he then said go on get out theres the door f*** off and DIE i went to leave and he blocked the door again saying it was a joke and he loves me. eventually his parents came home and said they would give me a lift home, he said 'its my f***ing car too im coming as well' he was swearing at me saying your a bitch you treat me like s*** you treat me like a dog no wonder you dont have any friends. now he is acting like nothing has happened saying i love you all the time and saying he wants to take me some place special for my birthday and give me my birthday presents.
i know i should leave him but this is all i know since i was 17 and im so scared to leave him, im going to university but i have no friends and scared of never being loved by anyone else and he'll be the only one who'll ever love me :(
please help
The Answer
Leave him.
If his version of love includes bullying you, physically threatening you and cheating on you in dangerous ways... you'd be better off never loving again then staying with him. He hasn’t just ripped your heart out, he’s put your body in danger.
Is he going to have to punch you around a bit before you leave him?
Break up with him. Cry it out. Go to university, met some people, join a club and learn to love yourself. Someone else will come along. Someone who doesn't treat you like shit. This is a good time to make a clean break. Your world is about to expand with new people and possibilities. It will be hard, but it will be easier without him.
There is no acceptable explanation for his behavior. There is no excuse, and NO love. He is using you. He is letting out the very worst of himself on you and one of these days more then your feelings will get hurt. The only other choice you have is to stay with him, endure his verbal abuse and wait for the day you need to call an ambulance.
Lean on your family for support, and end this. It’s already out of control.
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The Question
So I have a friend with benefits who has a girlfriend.(She suddenly decided to deny him physical contact of any kind) I know that's against some people's morals on here, but that's what it is. Anyway, my roommates know that there is chemistry between the two of us and that we both want one another, but they do not approve of him hooking up with me while he's in a relationship. Basically they're being really strict about him coming over. We all have our own rooms and share a common living room, but when he comes over they won't let the two of us go into my room alone. Is there any way to compromise with them? I'm getting really frustrated.
The Answer
The problem is not about morals hun, the problem is that sleeping with a guy who just had his relationship go sour in such an immature and stupid way is just not very smart.
It's asking for drama. It's asking for stress. It's asking for misery.
There is nothing about this situation that would lead a brain-dead zombie to think it would go well. What you are suggesting, is a bad idea.
I don't blame your roommates for not wanting that bullshit in their home. I wouldn't want it in my house.
If you want to behave badly, (and yes, sleeping with someone who you know to have an agreement with someone else to not sleep with others that IS behaving badly) why not go do it in his apartment, or even the mall for a make-out session, and respect your roommates enough to not put them in such an uncomfortable and drama-filled position.
Of course, you are probably an adult and can do whatever the hell you want. Shove him in your room and lock the door. If you are going fool around with him, and everyone knows it, then there is no reason to be subtle. They probably won’t physically get in your way if he comes in; you grab him by the scruff and maneuver him directly into your room while declaring your intention to ravish him... They will simply find someone else to live with the next time they have a chance.
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The Question
Okay for starters I am 17 and he is 27 going on 28. (yes big age gap but i am okay with it and i think he is warming up to it). It all started on (myspace) we gave each other our numbers since he didn't get online much. he told me he has had dreams of he and I together and so have I. like being together and living together. I cant even get him out of my mind. one night after work he was parked next to my car. i know its stalkerish but i liked it! i though it was cute. tonight I am going to work an hour early to see him. Is this love at first sight?
The Answer
No... It’s an intense, possible unhealthy, and in a few place illegal, infatuation.
At least, I sincerely hope for your sake that it isn't ‘love’
A 27 year old guy who thinks it's okay to show up at a girls work this early into knowing her, and talks about a lifetime together... there is a reason he isn't dating someone is own age. A girl his own age wouldn't put up with that shit. A girl his own age would recognize that as a creepy, not cute. A girl with a few more years then you have would have the experience with men to know that a guy who starts off behaving that way… gets worse in a hurry.
When I hear of a teen and a twenty-something getting involved, it’s NEVER the maturity of the teenager I question. What I question is the maturity level of a 27 year old who would seek out a high school student, rather then his own peer, for a relationship.
I’m 24 myself, and I have to say, any of my male friends found themselves showing up at the work of a 17 year old or talking about their life together before even dating her… they would check themselves into the nearest mental health facility. That behavior is worrisome.
If you can’t realize that there is an problem when an adult seeking out a high school student for a relationship, at least realize that this guy is ten years older then you, that means he has lived eight more years on this planet then you have, has more experience to draw from and vastly different needs and expectations from relationships then you do.
Age is not just an arbitrary number; it’s a solid gauge for life-experience and a loose one for self-awareness.
This guy’s behavior is not normal, or cute. I pray to god that you are not hiding this ‘friendship’ from your friends and parents. Please, keep yourself safe.
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The Question
I have this bestfriend who I absolutely love to death. She's 14 years old. She started smoking at 13 and she won't stop. She will seriously do just about anything for ciggarettes. She smokes sooo much. She's always coughing, I told her that it's slowly killing her but she won't listen! She gets persuaded so easily. I'm afraid that next it's gonna be drugs. She hasn't had sex before, But she's done everything but that! And i'm afraid that soon she's gonna take the next step. She always sneaks around with guys who are WAAY older then her to the point where it's illegal. She also cuts for stupid reasons. Her parents know that she does and they didn't really do anything about it when they found out. The last time she cut herself was because her boyfriend didn't text her. It's ridiculous. How do I help lead my friend in the right direction? She's going down the wrong path and it's killing me.
The Answer
Tell her parents. If they don't listen, tell the school.
This will probably mean the end of your friendship, however, there is NOTHING else that you can do. You are her teenage friend, you can't make her do anything she doesn't want too, but there are people in her life who can, and you need to motivate them.
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The Question
My girlfriend and I have been going out for about 2 months the only thing is that her twin sister is always with us. No matter what we do she does it with us. We never really have time alone and when we do her sister makes her feel bad by getting upset about her not being with us and then later apologizes for doing that. I have tried given her and her sister time together where they spend a day together without me but her sister then complains and asks where I went and why I'm not with them. I don't know what to do anymore we have tried making her feel welcome all the time but she turns and makes my g/f feel bad every time we do something without her which never happens and when it does its only for an hour or two. any idea or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
The Answer
I think you need to realize that her sister doesn't have a problem here hun. She is getting exactly what she needs and wants from her friendship with you and her twin. She might know that what she is doing is not great, but hey, it gets her what she wants and all she needs to do is apologize sometimes… It’s a good situation for her.
Your girlfriend is the one with the problem. Her problem is that she doesn't have a spine and can't stand up for what she wants and needs from her relationship with both of you.
So stop blaming the twin. Start being firm with your girlfriend. Encourage her to state her own needs and wishes clearly, and remind her that it’s okay if her twin in a bit miffed. She’ll get over it.
Part of the way you show someone to state their own needs clearly, is to be clear about your own.
Tell her you want one on one time with her AND PLAN FOR IT. Take some of the heat off of her by making plans yourself, and inviting her, only her, to join you. Tell her it’s an evening for the two of you.
Unfortunately, you cannot solve this problem. Your girlfriend MUST deal with this issue herself. You can’t swoop in and save her. That won’t really fix the problem and will only make her twin hate you. Your girlfriend must stand up for herself. You can only encourage her to do so.
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The Question
Male, 25.
I'll keep it quick.
My girlfriend went away for a year overseas. We kept in touch, and everything.
But when she came back, it's like we're constantly at odds. I mean, we were one of those classical bickering couples already. But now she's seemingly intolerant of just everything I do. And she's increasingly stopped being patient when I can't do something with her because of me observing religious occasions. I mean, she used to be cool with our religious differences, and now she acts like the same things I've always done are now inconvenient for her.
What's adding to my problems is that I'm starting to realize that I've been nursing a crush on a long-time female friend, who just recently finally managed to land the man she's always wanted.
I'm too honest to turn on a committment like the kind I made to my girlfriend, and I'm too kind to tell my friend my feelings which could cause problems for her.
Honestly, I feel like if things go on as they are, I'm going to go crazy or have a breakdown or drive my car into a tree. But regardless of the options available to me, there is no path that doesn't make me the villain.
The only course I seem to have left is simply cut ties with my friend, and see my relationship to whatever end it may take. And when it does end, just never bother with it again.
Anyone have a better solution for me?
The Answer
Not really.
You are absolutely right about the mature way to deal with this:
Limit the contact with your female friend so you can avoid an unpleasant situation for the both of you. Remember that you feelings for her are not taking place in a vacuum. There are a lot of other things going on, including your own unhappiness in your relationship, and her excitement with her new relationship. It's pretty normal for a person to look for a happy fantasy connection outside of their relationship when the relationship is patchy. It’s even more natural to dwell on that sort of crush if you think it’s impossible. It’s a very safe place to direct your emotions.
As for your girlfriend:
If you have already given up on this relationship, then start leaving. Your question implies you have no hope left for a happy conclusion. If that is the case, there is no reason to stick around another day longer. Prepare yourself to leave.
If you haven’t completely given up you need to have a serious chat with your girlfriend, because she isn't happy like this either. No one would be.
Tell her what you are seeing happening without blaming her, and ask her what she thinks is happening. You are both adults now, even more so then you were when she first left. You’ve established your patterns of living rather strongly by this point, so you’ll need to talk out the expectations you have, and the compromises you are willing to make.
If you would like your relationship with her to have real lasting potential, it would probably be a very good idea to seek some sort couples counseling. If you see marriage, kids or a lifetime together with this woman, then get a professional to guide you through these difficult conversations. If you don’t see a lifetime with her, that is probably the best clue that it is time to cut your losses and move on.
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The Question
Ok so I have started to like this guy and we have been friends for a long time. We just realized that we have feelings for eachother and surprisingly its really not that awkward. The only thing that i am hesitant about is that hes not like a manly man and he doesnt ahve alot of guy friends. It kind of bothers me because I want him to be a man's man..thats what im attracted to. What shouldi do about this? should i tell him and whats your opinion?
The Answer
Either accept him the way he is, or find someone else to be attracted too.
I'm serious. You can try to change him all you like, but you can't actually change what he enjoys the company he finds plesant. It simply cannot be done.
You can talk to him about this if you want, but it wont do any good. It really wont. Telling someone to 'be more manly' isn't advice that is makes any sense. You can tell him which of his more masculine clothes you like or you can tell him what activities or hobbies of his you think are cool... but just telling him to be more manly is useless. He wont know what is expected of him, and even if he can figure out exactly what it is you want, he might not be able to deliver if it is not the person he wants to be.
Either accept him as another type of guy you can be attracted too, and apperciate the 'manily' bits of his personality or, if you can't do that, move on. Because if you are already looking to change a guy at this stage, you are doomed.
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The Question
I am 21 and a few months ago i became engaged to my boyfriend of several months. I went to college in another state where he was playing in the minor baseball league. My parents had never met him and when i called to tell them that not only had i met a guy but we were engaged they were pretty upset. The wedding is now 2 weeks away and my fiance and i are leaving tomorrow to go home for the wedding. (We decided to get married in my home town)Yesterday i found out that i am pregnant. I'm not sure if i should wait until after the wedding has happened before i tell my parents or tell them right away. They are very conservative and since they didn't take to well to me marrying someone they haven't met yet, i'm pretty sure they won't take it to well that i'm already pregnant.
My thought was to just wait and tell them that it happened on our honeymoon thinking that they would at least feel better about the fact that it happened after we were married. Any other ideas?
The Answer
Most doctors will actually recommend you don't tell anyone untill you are at least 2 months along... so unless you are much further then that, I think it's prefectly fair to let your parents deal with one major change at a time.
But don't lie to them. Babies have a set incubation period. Your parents could figure it out. Don't volunteer the information, but be honest if asked. They already feel out of the loop and confused, lying to them will not help things.
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