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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
I will try to make this sound easy to understand
I have been best friends with this girl (Kelsey) since I was 11 years old and I am 26 now. Kelsey started dating this guy (Tim) 6 years ago. A few months ago Kelsey started lying to me telling me that I was a control freak and when I asked who told her this she hesitated and told me someone who hardly knows me said it. (I know for a fact it was her boyfriend Tim because of out all these years Kelsey never said such a thing about me) anyway it began as that then little by little she kept on lying to me more and more about little things. I stopped speaking to Kelsey for a month, Then I slowly began to speak to her again trusting her a little at a time and the first time I spoke to her again since our arguement she spilled news on me that she was pregnant. I was angry but I tried not to show it I just congratulated her and walked away. Now during this time the reason why I was angry with her is..
1. Kelsey lives at home with her mother who is raising 3 kids and divorced
2. Kelsey is not married
3. Kelsey also can't save money because of her spending habits
A few days later I confronted Kelsey with my feelings that I felt we had gone our seperate ways in life and I as well as her decided to end our friendship. (I was fed up wit her lies and the pregnancy didn't help either) It has been a good 3 months since I last spoke to her and during this time Kelsey had a miscarriage and lost the baby. My mother ran into her recently and she asked about me and wanted my mother to tell me she was asking about me which gives off the impression she wants to continue to talk again. Also if we were she would never hear the end of it from her boyfriend Tim who is not found of me and tells her bad things about me as I witnessed on countless occassions. As he is one of the main reasons we are no longer friends anymore because she has chosen to believe his hurtful words than to try and fix our friendship. Whenever I confronted her about what he said to her she was always defensive or lied about him saying such a thing.
Question:
I'm confused to why she would ask about me if we both agreed to not talk. Do you think I should give her another chance?...How can I trust that she won't let Tim ruin our friendship?
The Answer
There doesn't need to be anything confusing about her behavior at this point. She is human, she is curious about you in a totally natural way after such a long friendship, AND she has got a bit of a drama queen streak. So, she engaged in a bit of childish baiting of you through your mother. Meh, people do that.
I think assuming she must want a second chance is a bit presumptuous of you. She might just have wanted you to know how you were doing, and perhaps let you know she wasn't harboring hard feelings and was okay with the fact you still existed. Hell, she might have just been trying to be polite and appear goodhearted to your mother, despite not actually wanting to speak to you at all.
You don't need to 'give her a second chance' because:
Your reasons for ending the friendship are still valid
and She hasn't asked for one
Take a deep and just let this go. I think you are falling prey to your own desire for drama by worrying so much about this almost meaningless incident. If she reaches out to you directly, address that, but stop all these assumptions and worries. They are pointless and unproductive and you are getting yourself worked up about a problem that might not even exist.
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The Question
I'm 15/female.
Here's what's going on... I was in a relationship with this guy, we'll call him Keith. Keith is 20, he'll be 21 in 15 days (no this isn't about age or anything, because I'm mature for my age, he's immature and where I live, we're legal), so Keith and I have known eachother for about 2 months, we dated for just over a month. During that time, we spent pretty much all our time together, I stayed over at his house for a week at a time, several times, and hung out with him all the time. Our relationship was going really really well, like don't get me wrong, we fought and everything but it was the type of relationship where we would fight, but we'd talk everything out afterwards and make everything work. So, what happened was, I found out he was engaged to his baby mama who lives an hour away who he rarely sees, and he liked and was cheating on me with another girl who was dating my other ex-boyfriend as well. So I found out while I was at an all-ages night club, called him and broke up with him. At the club, I was with this other guy, we'll call him Tyler. Tyler's 16 and last year, around March or April, I got pregnant with his kid, but ended up having a miscarriage at about 2 months along. Since then, we've stayed very good friends, and we spent the entire summer together, until we were very stupid, broke into a house together and got caught. Now I have a non-assosiation order with him, and I didn't see him in 6 months until boxing day which was the day before we went to the club. ANYWAYS, so Tyler and I were kissing and acting like a couple at the club, and his friend told me he though we might start dating, and I felt the same way, until the cops showed up and arrested him for a fight he didn't even get into. Now he's doing 3 months in jail, which is kid time for him, and my street sister says she's going to hook me up with him after he gets out of jail. The only problem with that is that I still have very strong feelings for Keith, and I don't know what's going to happen between us between now and then, because I went to his house to see if any of my stuff was still there, and it he couldn't even keep eye contact with me, and he hugged me for longer than an ex usually would.
So basiclly, I can honestly say I love them both. I know if I date Tyler, he'll treat me right and we've been so tight for so long, we know eachother really really well. And if I date Keith, I know I'll be really really happy with him, I'm just afraid that if I do, he's going to pull the same shit as he did before, and I don't think I could handle that again. Plus I can barely talk to Keith right now, because his phone is cut off and when I can get a hold of him, his new girlfriend (the one he was cheating on me with) won't let him talk to me. And I can't talk to Tyler for 3 months .
WHAT DO I DO ?!?! :(
Thanks in advace,
And sorry this is so long .
The Answer
One is in jail, and the other has a girlfriend and a history of cheating in big ways.
Surely you can do better than that.
Never go back to Keith, ever. He will pull the same shit, and you have at least three months before you can even speak to Tyler agian... Why not take those three months and see if you can meey someone better then these two?
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The Question
Hi! I am a freshman at a small ivy league college and it's really hard for me to meet decent guys. Most of the guys r too short and/or too busy, too disinterested to wanna relationship (long-term or short-term) Also, since the "hook-up" scene is pretty small, I don't want to get involved w/ guys that i may potentially see in chem lab or history class the next day, if u know what i mean. So, I discovered the personals section of craigslist and i was thinking of replying to one of the "casual encounters" posts, as i m not looking for a serious relationship, just some "fun" from time to time. is this so bad? Is this a good idea? Plus, if I did reply, I wouldn't know how to set it up. Should I tell my friends about the potential hook-up? Where should I meet his person?
The Answer
What you want isn't bad, but don't use Craigslists. It's creepy. I wouldn't use it or trust it as a way to meet people.
Try a simple free dating site like okcupid or plentyoffish. They have opitions for people who aren't looking for a relationship, but just to fool around or date a bit. You can keep your profile as private as you want and just reach out to the guys who interest you, or you can let them come to you. Either way you'll get a larger selection of people, and with more required info you can screen the crazies a bit better.
Whenever you met someone from online, tell a friend! And a have a set time you'll call to let this friend know how it went. That's an important safety meassure.
Always met someone for the first time in a public place. Not a home or a hotel. Go to a cozy coffee shop out of your normal area, or a bar where you can flirt and be friendly without being in any danger.
Feel out the attraction and trust level for a date or two before going home with someone.
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The Question
How do i turn a guy on at school and in class?
The Answer
You don't. You are at school, not in strip club.
If you like a guy at school, let him know by talking to him, being friendly, being interested in him and being interesting. That is attractive.
Getting him 'turned on' in class would simply be embaressing and innappropraite (and would also likely make you look like a skank). Save that for private times togeather.
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The Question
I have the worst cramps. The type that will make me miss school, scream in pain, throw things, throw up, have cold sweats, and physically unable to walk. I think birth control pills are the answer but my mom says I cant use them. Even though she is a nurse she thinks that they are not healthy and does not like the "stigma" attached. I do not have sex or have a boyfriend so I am not using it for birth purposes but it is a plus. I really just want to not regret being female every month. I cant miss anymore school; i have 5 AP classes to handle.
I have not been to a gynecologist yet because of my mom. I am 17 years old is there a way to get these pills myself or any convincing ideas.
The Answer
Go to a doctor and explain the problem. Stop leaping to the solutions.
Birth control pills are not the perfect solution to extreme cycle problems. In some cases they can make them worse. There are other medications, dietary approaches and treatments to look into.
Don't be narrow minded and just pick the most common thing that pops into your head, go to a doctor and discuss all the possible approaches and solutions, and take your mom right into the room with you. If you show you are open minded and just looking for help, and your doctor suggestes the pill to you and your mom, that will carry a lot more weight and seem much more agreeable coming from them. Your mom is a nurse after all, she's trained to respect doctors opinions.
Stop rushing and trying to perscribe for yourself. See a doctor to get a real medical opinion about your problem, and the possible solutions.
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The Question
I want a relationship soooooo bad.
but i cant seem to stay in a relationship once i have one.
"He stops all the flirting stuff" "Hes taking the relationship to seriously" "Hes to clingy" "Hes not clingy enough"
Am i a commitment phobe?
and if so, how can i fix it?
The Answer
Your are not a commitmentphobe.
I would guess you are about 14 years old.
It's normal. You aren't ready to pretend you are in a relationship when you aren't. You aren't lying to yourself about what you want.
Chill out and wait for the right person and the right time. Rushing it only lands you in miserable and stupid relationships.
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The Question
really all bullshit aside, trust me im 30 years old and i am totally coherent to life and what is going on, im not mentally challenged, im actually a pretty intelligent person, i just know that life is not for me and all the bullshit that someone loves me is garbage, trust me no one will care if i die, so i asked how would it feel to starve myself and not drink anything, im already a slim dude and its been about 32 hours now and i havent ate or drank anything but a little nyquil and i mean a little just to go to sleep, do you think i'll be dead by at least sunday? i mean i've been really hungry before and thirsty i can take it i just wanna die seriously and go in my sleep so if im hungry and thirsty i jus go to sleep and hopefully one of these couple days i won't wake the fuck up!
The Answer
All bullshit aside: You have a serious problem in mental functioning.
Not because you want to commit suicide. I'm not actually against cogent adults choosing to end their own lives. You have a problem because you actually seem to think that dehydration is a sensible approach.
I simply cannot accept that you are an intelligent, coherent adult, who has not done the necessary research to realize that trying to commit suicide in this way will most likely not have you dead by Sunday (you will likely live well over a week, maybe two weeks. Slimness is almost irrelevant, since it’s the dehydration which will kill you, not the starvation) and will certainly be a most miserable death, involving hallucinations, vomiting, fevers, intense pain and possibly seizures.
You might have seen doctors who say it is a painless way to go, but those reports are referring to voluntary suicide of patients who are already very sick and whose bodies are shutting down. Ceasing food and drink can be a peaceful way to stop fighting an imminent death, when the body has already begun to reject food and drink due to illness (and even still, these patients can also live well over a week).
That is NOT the case for a reasonably healthy adult. A reasonably healthy adult’s body will fight back, hard, against this sort of approach. You are unlikely to go peacefully into that good night this way, especially without a physician’s assistance to control the worst symptoms of dehydration.
Ask yourself this very serious question:
If I am, as I believe I am, serious and rational in my decision to end my own life, would I have overlooked this sort of obvious medical data before beginning to refuse water? If I seem unable to approach suicide in a rational, researched and realistic way, isn’t it possible I am not approaching the decision to end my life, in the rational way I think I am?
As I said before, I’m fine with adults making a rational choice to end their own lives, but based on your question here, I cannot believe you are being rational and mentally sound in this decision. Your actions just don’t support that theory, and you seem to be lacking some of the medical information necessary to see this plan through.
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The Question
This may be a bit long; brace yourself.
I've read stories of people getting tired of their life and just up and going to a new place. Completely starting over.
As much as change scares me because of its uncertainty, I'd love to just leave and start my life over.
I'm 18 female, just started college in August about an hour away from where I was living before. I went through about a year of "depression" because my mom and I stopped living together and she tried controlling my life when she couldn't even support me. Since then I've been better, but still a bit mentally unstable. I don't know how to deal with my feelings. I'm in counselling and it helps, but there are still days when I'm not completely happy with my life.
I'm blessed to have what I do in my life, I recognize that, but I still feel like I'm settling for less than I should. Not necessarily what I deserve, but what I'm capable of. Is it reasonable to move away and restart my life since it's my life to live anyway? Any words of advice?
The Answer
Never run away from things.
Run to something.
Simply changing where you live isn't changing much... After a few weeks you'll realize you didn't change anything but the scenery.
Find something you want: An experience, a new job, even just a class, or a place to volunteer, and change your life AROUND that. Run towards something good. Take a chance on it and move towards it even if it's scary, even if it might not work out.
You wont be completely happy with your life very often. Regret and wonder is human and healthy. It's part of what informs our choices and motivates us. Complete happiness is rare. But if you want to change, make a change towards something that is informed by the desires and longings you feel. Don't just flee without direction. There is no restarting: Your choice is either to run away, or to renew your passion.
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The Question
Hi,
I was looking at stuff online and was really surprised to find all this conflicting information on the effectiveness of condoms. My girlfriend doesn't take the pill so I've been using condoms.
She's not goin on the pill since she's from another country and only here temporarily. I only use the latex ones too.
So if I use non-outdated condoms, and put it on correctly and at the end it doesn't tare or anything and after inspecting it before throwing it away I see that no semen is leaking out somehow then shouldn't the chances of her getting pregnant be close to zero?! I hope so anyway...
I'd like to hear what others think about this.
Thanks a bunch-
The Answer
All the advice you've gotten here so far is very good.
I just wanted to add:
The one thing you missed on your checklist for condoms is correct storage. Incorrect storage is a large part of the reason condoms break. Latex is pretty temperature sensitive.
That means you should store them anywhere in direct sunlight, or near a heat source or AC. They absolutely should NEVER be kept in a pocket, wallet or glove compartment, were they easily get over-heated, freeze, and generally crinkled and crushed.
The final thing to NOT do, is don't rip a condom wrapper open by twisting the whole thing. You risk starting a tear or otherwise weakening the condom. Rip the edge rather than twisting the whole package.
Finally, have a backup plan!
The as-accurate-as-possible-from-dozens-of-studies-looking-at-thousands-of-condoms is that condoms are 98% effective when used properly. That remaining 2% is partly unavoidable human error (we none of us are perfect all the time), and factory error. Two things that we can minimize, but never completely avoid.
So have a backup plan.
Always, always, always, have a backup plan. Even if you were using the pill, condoms and an anti-fertility voodoo doll, every couple should have talked about the 'What If' involved in sex. So have that conversation about Plan B, about abortions, and everyone else around the possibility of pregnancy. It's important you know where your partner stands and that she knows where you stand, and what is accessible and legal for your age in the place where you live.
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The Question
The housing authority accuses Sunnyvale of being racist against minorities because they do not provide low income or multi-unit housing. Seems to me that the housing authority is implying that only minorities use low income housing and are incapable of mortgaging a home. Unless the town of Sunnyvale has a rule not allowing minorities to move there, or takes actions to make minorities who do live there uncomfortable than there is nothing racist about it.
It just bugs me.. why do they want to ruin a nice town? And Sunnyvale is a small town, too, with large lots and low density housing. They aren't discriminating against anyone because of race! And if they did build multi-unit housing there, the DART line is nowhere close to Sunnyvale, and there is no industry there for these people to get jobs. What a joke!
My family is buying a house in Sunnyvale, cause we can afford it. If we couldn't afford to move there we'd just go someplace else! And we are minorities, contradicting what the housing people think. Its not like there isn't low-income housing in other places. Sunnyvale is like 88% white, but its a growing town with lots of new homes.. so that number will probably change by next year.
But I guess the poor people don't want to go to bad towns so are just trying to leech into good towns which are good cause there's none or a lot of low income housing. Just cuz they didnt do well in school doesn't mean they have to ruin it for the people who did (or people who had parents that did, like moi)
there's low crime rates in sunnyvale too. imagine if we got low-income houses? that would definitely change.
The Answer
There are millions of reasons why low-income housing isn't evil, and certainly isn't racist. Low-income housing isn't based on race, it's based on income. The fact that viability minorities make up so many of the low income citizens of the US is not the point.
It's not the point for the same reason that you are right to say that the town is not discriminating against people based on race. Technically they aren't.
The town is discriminating against people based on income, and using unfair and illegal zoning practices to deny companies (both profit and non-for-profits) from building, selling and operating other kinds of homes. I've read the newspapers articles I could find about Sunnyvale and looked into some of the companies that have been denied the planning and zoning they need to build. Most of these companies don't even build 'low-income' or subsidized housing. I only found one that actually builds 'low-income' government housing. The rest just build less expensive homes, not for people in poverty, just for people who aren't quite as wealthy as you'd currently have to be to buy a house in Sunnyvale.
More affordable housing in your town will benefit you! The more affluent neighbors in a town will now have cheep labor to the more menial tasks. You'll pay less for groceries, for dry cleaning, and at many other stores because the people who work there will not expect to be paid as well, and will not be spending money on travel to work, giving them an opportunity to begin to contribute to the economy in more substantial ways as well. Jobs are often created in public sectors as well: A larger population, even a mixed one, requires more teachers, more health care, more public transit and more stores.
I can't promise you that an affordable housing plan in this town will be a good idea, or will be done in a sensible way. But, your ideological issues with it (about race and the benefits to the community) aren't really reasonable: Inclusive communities can provide huge economic benefits to everyone involved, and for a town to using zoning regulations improperly to unfairly limit what people may build on that land, is not legal or right. Perhaps the way to look at this that will make more sense to you, is that it's not that the town is discriminating against people with a lower income (which would still be bad) but it's that they are using unfair means and reasons to stop companies who have fairly bought land, from building what they want to sell.
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The Question
This may be in the wrong category. I wasnt sure which to put it in.
So here is my problem. My friend is 19 and she is married with a one year old girl. Her husband is a total jerk. He is abusive toward her and in fact, he was arrested last week for almost killing her. (Accidently) He was bailed but he will be going back after court. We cant convince her to leave him, but we are hoping she will come to realization when he is gone.
Thats not the problem. The problem is she is not a good mother and this poor baby lives in this horrible and dangerous environment. I really want to call Child Services (or whatever its called) and keep it annonymous. But if she finds out, her and many more people will give me such a hard time with it and she may pass inspections. If I call anonymously will it be kept annonymously or is there a chance I will be found out? What do you think I should do?
The Answer
Your friend is only 19. I have to wonder where her parents are in all this. They are the ones to which these sorts of decisions should fall.
CPS cannot reveal the name of thier informant in most cases, so it is normally anonymous by default. It's fine if that is the first question you ask them.
If you are concerned for the childs safety, calling CPS is the right move. If you don't know who to call in your area, you can call the National Child Abuse Hotline at 800-4-A-CHILD and they can connect you.
Frankly though, if there was a domestic abuse issue at home your friend will likely have already had some contact with a social worker or CPS. CPS doesn't sting or bust people. Inspections cover basic things like, is there toliet paper and food in the fridge, and even when they find a problem, they rarely take the children away. In most cases, parents are given support and time to correct the problems.
Call CPS if you feel you need too. Be ready to explain in a great deal of detail exactly what your concerns are: Are there dangerous objects being left in reach? Is the child not be fed or bathed? Are they not getting medical treatment when they are clearly sick?
Remember that, for better or worse, it's legal to be a not so great parent. What is not legal is the stuff that is harmful. That is what CPS will be interested in when you speak to them, and the more details you can give them (dates, number of occurances, exact threats or risks) the more likely they are to follow up on your report.
(There is always a chance you will be found out. Or to be more precise, there is always a chance you'll be blamed, regardless of any facts they do or don't know. That shouldn't be your primary concern in calling CPS. The safety of the child is the primary concern. Think about that first and decide what is right to do. Then deal with how to do the right thing as carefully and quietly as you can.)
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The Question
I'm a teacher in my twenties who recently went home for the holidays to spend some quality time with my parents. Upfront, you should know that my parents are VERY strict and conservative (always have been)--which is why I was shocked beyond belief when I discovered on my parents' computer that there were recent searches for porn videos. I'm assuming it was my father, because my mother rarely uses the Internet and many of the search phrases involved "underage girls" (which is the most nauseating part). Now, everytime I look at my father or speak to him, I can't get the image of those words out of my head. My relationship with my father has never been strong, and this hasn't helped our situation at all (mainly because I feel like my "conservative" father who always looked down upon sex and immoral behavior is such a fraud now). I don't know if I should tell my mother, confront him, and/or just keep my trap shut and push this whole thing out of my mind. Am I overreacting here?
Sincerely,
Disturbed Daughter
The Answer
You aren't necessarily over-reacting, emotionally this is a big deal, but there is also nothing you can do except put it out of your mind. For better, or for worse, your father is entitled to watching pornography in a legal, private way, no matter how nauseating and hypocritical it is.
Telling your mother is not a good idea. It's not respectful of either of your parents, and nothing good can possibly come of it for anyone's relationships.
It's not likely, nor is there much of a reason to assume, that what your father was looking for was illegal. There is a lot of porn online, most of it perfectly legal and featuring consenting adults. 'Underage' is a selling feature much like 'new and improved!', and it's unlikely to actually mean 'girls who are below the legal age'. Although it adds an 'Eww' factor for you, unless you have more to go on, there is no reason to jump to conclusions about the legality of these searches, and searching for illegal pornography would be the only situation where you'd have a responsibility to address what you found on that computer with anyone.
Just try and let it go. It's gross, and it's hypocritical, but unless it's also illegal or harmful, let it stay private and try to let it go.
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The Question
Ok, I know it sounds like a terrible thing to tell someone, but I am very concerned for her, and my neices' and nephew's health and wellbeing. My sister has never been a clean person. She keeps herself and her children clean, but actually cleaning a room or her house is impossible for her. I remember as a child she used to close her eyes and wish for the "cleaning fairy" (me) to come and clean up her room. I would do it because I thought I was surprising her and making her happy. When she was a teenager our mother would beg, plead, and punish her to clean her room, until one day she went through with huge black garbage bags and threw EVERYTHING away. She ended up with three or four of them filled with mostly garbage and items that my sister mistreated. Now, at the age of 29 and mother of three children (one of which she only has custody of part time) things haven't changed much. I don't really know who does the minimal cleaning that actually gets done, usually when she knows someone is coming over to visit, so I can't really say who is pitching in to keep the house liveable, but here is an idea of what her (rented) house looks like even when she knows I am coming to visit...There are usually dishes in the sink, filled to the top. If the dishes have been washed, they are not properly cleaned, cups still have dried up drink in them, plates and silverware still have caked-on food on them and plasticware have an oily film on them. The scrubbie she uses to wash the dishes is always grungy and probably filled with germs. The carpets have ground-in food and liquid stains, not to mention clothes, toys, garbage, ashes (from cigarettes) and other debris on them. Her kitchen linoleum has years of caked on food and dried liquid stains, even after she claims she just mopped. Her bathroom sink always has toothepaste globs and soap film and dirt on it. (She hardly ever has soap at her bathroom sink either) The toilet is so disgusting I don't sit on it, there is usually pee or poop smeared on the seat. (She has young children 4 and 7 but she allows the 4 year old to go to the bathroom without supervision and if she goes #2 she doesn't know how to clean herself properly and usually gets poop on the toilet, herself, and sometimes the walls, sink, and other things in the bathroom) You can't even walk into her bedroom because there are clothes covering the entire floor, not to metion other debris. The children's rooms are just as bad, with toys and clothes, food and juice stains. The children do not respect their toys and I wouldn't doubt it if not one of their games is playable because of missing or broken pieces. Books are ripped and colored on as well. Her laundry room is in the basement and everyone just throws their clothes down the stairs, covering the stairs to the point where you would fall if you did not kick them out of the way. The laundry is not done often, unless it is desperately needed.
My sister seems to care about what people think about the cleanliness of her home, because it is the first thing you hear when you are on the way to visit, "My house is a little messy, but not too bad." or "I was going to clean the house but..., so don't be mad if it's not that clean." or "I just cleaned the house." (And then you get there and think "This is what you consider clean?") She just never seems to know what clean is, even remotely. But she puts on this facade like it is important to her.
Now that I'm done explaining that, I would like to add that just recently the family suffered a house fire and they lost everything. They did not start the fire, but the fire marshal said that all the junk around the house fueled the fire to rage on faster and further. I began a relief effort through friends and family that brought her truckloads of new things, not to mention all the help she received from organizations in her area. I drove all over creation to collect things for her...I called and emailed several people to collect things for her...I created donation tins out of old coffee cans and set them up at my job for her...I've donated my own posessions as well. When she got herself into a new house I went to visit her. I fully expected there to be stuff all over the place in boxes and bags, but I was very upset when I saw that every room in her house was the same as it always had been. Bathroom had the toothepaste globs and hair all over the sink, no soap, and the brand new towels that were donated to her were sprawled throughout the hallway outside the bathroom (not folded and in a pile) Her bedroom looked like a bomb went off, and the kids' rooms looked the same. I told her that I thought everything would be different now that she has gone through such a life altering event and had all of her current possessions donated to her. She screamed "What do you want me to do?! I keep getting all of this stuff and I have no place to put it!!!" I told her I understood that her dining room was filled from wall to wall with with things she had to sort through, but the room upstairs were so messy. I was so taken aback with her violent response I began to back out of the room when she screamed "Yeah get out of here!" I ended up leaving her house and eventually she texted me "You no longer have to worry about me, my family, or my house. I feel we should no longer speak to each other. Good luck iwth your life and family." I cannot believe she took things to that level. I sincerely believe that she is in denial about her problem and instead of giving me excuses like I said she would, she disowned me, my husband, and baby-to-be. I am very hurt but cannot bring myself to talk to her. I helped her so much when her house burned down and she also said she was going to send back the money and items I collected for her. I think that was very wrong of her as well. PLEASE HELP!!
The Answer
On one hand, you are absolutely entitled to feel distressed and a bit betrayed by her behavior.
On the other had, your negative emotions and blaming isn't helpful to this situation. In fact, you are contributing to the problems now.
Take a deep breath and truly accept this:
When you gave your sister help and gifts after the fire, you gave those things freely out of love and a desire to help. You don't have a right to tell her how to use them, or to try and shame her because of her treatment of objects which are now hers.
I understand why you said what you did, but it wasn't very nice, it wasn't fair, and it absolutely was NOT helpful.
Yes, your sister lives in a disgusting and dangerous disaster.
You should want to help! That's understandable and admirable, but what you are doing right now isn't working.
Your sister is functioning under a huge amount of stress and fear. That's not denial, that's pure terror. That's the kind of fear you deal with when you are looking into the headlights of an on coming train. You can't reason with it.
If you want a relationship with your sister, back off, apologize and eat some humble pie. Although you've done a lot of good in her life (for which you deserve and probably wont get much thanks) the last time you spoke you behaved poorly, so apologize. I'd suggest a letter or e-mail like this:
Dear Sister,
I'm very sorry that things went so badly last time we spoke. I know you are under a lot of pressure right now and what I said wasn't helpful. I've tried really had to be supportive, because I love you and your kids and I really want you all to be happy and healthy. I want you to keep the money and the things that were given to you. It's meant for you and you should keep it.
I really just want to help you, but from now on, I'm going to try to ask you how I can help, instead of telling you what I think you should do. I hope we can heal this relationship and I can be of use to you and can be a part of your life that makes things better, not worse.
You really do need to stick to that as well.
If you think her children are in danger, or will get ill or hurt in their enviroment, put in an annomous call to children's aid. Other than that though, from now on your job is help you sister the way she ASKS you too, and to otherwise keep your mouth shut. Only after you show her a bit of respect, by allowing her to choose the way in which people help her, and determine a few things for herself, can you work on making gentle suggestions again.
Remember: This isn't that she is right and you are wrong. It's not that you are right and she is wrong. It's about what works to make the situation better for everyone: Your judgement and her stress were just keeping the same problem going. Stop your judgement, and assist her with her stress, and see if you can't start a new pattern of interaction that can actually make this situation better.
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The Question
Hello I am a women that has known another women for a very long time. Her and i both had husbands and kids. Her husband died. She still likes sex but she has no selfisteen so she is going out with a man who treats her like crap.I think she just keeps him around for sex.She tells me hes no good all the time and them she sneeks around and gos and see him. Do you think if i went and bought her a sex toy she would leave him alone and what would she think of me for geting her this kind of presents
The Answer
Sex toys don't replace people.
They are fun and great, but they don't, and shouldn't, replace people. If this woman has no self-esteem, she isn't just keeping him around to get her off sexually. She is keeping him around because he makes her feel better about herself. Silicon doesn't tell you that you are pretty and sexy.
Give gifts to be apperciated and enjoyed. Don't give a gift to change a person.
Would you give someone a dieting cook book to make them not be lazy and eat fast food?
That's not a gift: That's an insult and they would resent you for it.
Sex toys might be a great gift for her if you knew she was interested in them. It might be great gift for her if she had expressed to you how much she would like one.
Sex toys are NOT a good gift if you are hoping to replace her current man. That's simply presumptious and rude. Give her a gift you think she'll enjoy, not one you think she SHOULD enjoy.
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The Question
I am engaged to this guy i have been with for almost 5 years. Everything I love him about him, but the sex life. That honestly gets me questioning this whole marriage thing. YES, I know sex life isn't everything, but it is a big something. I honestly think it's that he's too small. I haven't been with anyone else, so I can't fully say that thats it, but he is below the national average by a hair. (6 inches) Please, This is serious, but dumb, yet again a very serious issue. PLease give me any insight. Any is appreciated as long as its kind.
The Answer
Figure out what you want in bed and then ask for it.
Size really isn't everything. Don't get me wrong, sure, it helps, but there are so many other ways to experience pleasure besides penetration.
Sex is important and it is serious. First things first: Stop seeing it as his responsibility to please you or as though magically, plain old sex is going to wildly enjoyable for you.
You have to take an active role in finding out what you enjoy, and asking for it. That takes a lot of confidence and a lot of trust in your partner, and it's not a magic bullet either. It won't make everything better all of a sudden. Sex is like any other skill, it takes some practice.
So, do some serious thinking about what you enjoy. Even what not-sex things you like the most. What kinds of kissing or making out really gets you in to the mood. You might also try exploring some steamy romance novels or erotic stories. Although they are a little over the top, they might give you some hints about what really turns you on as well.
Even before you do this, talk to your boyfriend. Changing to a couples sex life can be scary and confusing without lots of talk and trust. He deserves to know that you are interested in making your sex life better. He also deserves to be told that you are interested in HIS opinions about this as well. Let it be a two-way street and encourage him to come to the table with ideas as well.
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The Question
Ok so I made a group on Facebook. When I post on my group wall it comes from me insted of coming from the group if you know what i mean. How can I change that and make the posts come from the group instead of me (You know when people who made the group post stuff on the group wall and then the post is on the members wall coming from the group...so how do I do that?) Sorry if I didnt write that clearly!
The Answer
There are Fan Pages, and there are Groups.
In Groups, no one can post as the Group. Everyone posts as themself. Always.
In a Fan Page, the adminstators of the Fan Page post as the Fan Page's name, and can never post as themselves.
That's just the way its set up.
If you want to communicate with everyone in your group, you can send them a message to their inbox (Fan Pages, aren't able to do that, but Group Admins can).
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The Question
I don't like sex at ALL and I feel that my girlfriend is really pressuring me into it. I told her my past experiences led me to be this way (among other things) and I don't want to hurt her feelings. How can I tell her to just back off?
The Answer
You don't give your age, or any details on the past experiences, so this is tough to give advice on.
Not liking sex AT ALL, is very different from not being ready to have sex. If you don't like sex at all, and are not willing to explore your sexuality with a loving partner, or see to thier sexual needs and desires... then the only respectful thing to do is to break up with her.
If you are completely, and entirely agianst having sexual contact with your partner, not only does she deserve to know that clearly and totally, but you probably owe it to both of you to end the relationship.
This isn't about people's feelings, this is about being honest about your needs, and respectful of the needs of others.
Most people see sex as an intergal part of a happy and mature relationship. Many people would find a relationship without sex to be lacking something, and to be unfufilling. If your girlfriend is one of those people, then your stance on sex is incompatible with hers, and you can't provide for one another's needs.
If she can't provide for your needs of no sex, and you can't provide for her sexual needs, then this relationship probably isn't going to work in the long term.
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The Question
So Ive come to realize I'm in a nigtmare of a situation with a guy. For the last 3-4 years ive liked the same guy on and off,but mostly on. He liked me on and off as well but i liked him more than he liked me. We were young...about 14 and we had sex. I thought that meant he liked me(my ignorance) yet I didn't realize that he was just trying to get some action. He had many girlfriends and it hurt me to see him with them,but he would cheat on them with me so it made me think he liked me (again my ignorance). Then at a time when he didnt have a girlfriend he told me "im his girl and one day we will eventually go out" and then i hooked up with someone else and he got mad and got in a actual fist fight with the kid i hooked up with,so i figured he cared. During all this time,we never went out but we hooked up ALLL the time. (which was stupid of me :/ ) but then he just recently had a gf for 6 months and didn't speak a word to me then they brokeup and a week after they broke up,he started talking to me. And he's been trying to hookup with me and i gave in and hooked up with him because i missed him and i'm so mad that i did that.everytime we hangout i tell myself not to hookup with him and he ends up talking me into it. I just want him to gain respect for me and like me again .It's just so hard for me to blow him off and not hangout when he asks me to.but i'm determined to try ! what should i do? I just want him to know that i'm being serious and i dont want my feelings getting hurt by him anymore or i dont wanna talk to him at all,it's just so hard!
The Answer
The only thing to be serious about at this point, is to be seriously done with him.
Your last instinct, to not talk to him at all, is bang on. As hard as that might be, it's the only sensible plan you've got left.
After years of the same thing, you need to accept it's not going to change: He wants to hook up with you, he doesn't want to date you. If he wanted to date you, he is TOTALLY aware he could get that. He doesn't want you like that. He is getting what he wants, and you are getting misery.
He's using you. He probably has a lot of reasons in his own mind why that is okay, but he still using you and you are still letting yourself be used. Put an end to it for good, by just stop hanging out with him, and then, stop talking to him at all.
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The Question
i was in my friend msn and i was cheking his mail because he told me to. i was scrolling down and clicked on the mail and i saw 3 pictures of a girl with bras and panties only...if i report that what can happened?
The Answer
Unless it was pornography, there is nothing to report. Scantily clad photos are legal to have in your private e-mail box.
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The Question
I am in a masters program, and have to take a number of prerequisite courses. The minimum passing grade in the prerequisite (undergrad) classes is a C-. There is one class I struggled with all semester, and we took a killer final, which is worth half the grade.. I am afraid that I might have done poorly, which would drop my grade to maybe a D+...right on the border.
Our course plan states that any student who gets below a C- in any course can be kicked out of the program. I am so nervous now...for anyone with familiarity with grad school (or who has gone to, or is in grad school), if I get a D+ and not a C-, is there a chance that the faculty would be somewhat flexible and allow me to stay in the program?
The Answer
Talk to someone.
It's always better, in any situation, to go and ask for help or flexibility BEFORE things reach a crisis point. So go now, to someone in the school you have a relationship with: Maybe it's the professor or TA in this class, maybe it's your advisor, or another proffessor you developed a good relationship with.
Go to them and say "Look, this is what might happen with my grades. What does that mean? Is there anything I can do? Who should I talk too about this?"
Every school is different and there can be a good deal of flexibilty, espcailly at the masters level. The trick for you now is to simply get the dialogue going, and be proactive about it, rather then just waiting for the sky to fall.
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