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humorist-workshop
Disturbed Daughter
I'm a teacher in my twenties who recently went home for the holidays to spend some quality time with my parents. Upfront, you should know that my parents are VERY strict and conservative (always have been)--which is why I was shocked beyond belief when I discovered on my parents' computer that there were recent searches for porn videos. I'm assuming it was my father, because my mother rarely uses the Internet and many of the search phrases involved "underage girls" (which is the most nauseating part). Now, everytime I look at my father or speak to him, I can't get the image of those words out of my head. My relationship with my father has never been strong, and this hasn't helped our situation at all (mainly because I feel like my "conservative" father who always looked down upon sex and immoral behavior is such a fraud now). I don't know if I should tell my mother, confront him, and/or just keep my trap shut and push this whole thing out of my mind. Am I overreacting here?
Sincerely,
Disturbed Daughter
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
Say Nothing. Leave a note, or mail it to your dad, with the instructions for how to clear the browser and lock his files. Don't sign the note, he will know it came from you anyway, but keep as low a profile as possible. If your mom isn't too computer savvy then he should be able to discreetly hide these photos in such a way that she'll never know. If your dad is doing something illegal I'll be honest: the law is coming anyway. With the crackdowns in child porn these days, if he's really downloading illegal materials (and obviously not too discreetly) it won't be long before they track him down. However, most of those "Barely Legal" sites use barely 18 year old models that are underdeveloped and resemble girls who are much younger, thats how they stay in business.
Understand that the internet creates a window for the curious to view and have exposure to the most secret and kinkiest of kinks in the privacy of their own home, and for most of the curious, thats enough. If you think your dad is in chat rooms with underage girls, or is indulging in anything other than viewing these materials, take him out for coffee and tell him what you know and why it has to stop. If he's just looking at kinky porn, I'm sorry to tell you this, but 99.9% of the men in the US are doing that, its normal, its kinky and its also absolutely none of your business. Protecting your mother is your #1 priority, and you can do that as discreetly and quietly as possible. I know you're conflicted but as long as he's not hurting anyone, its none of your business and you should refrain from judging him. My BF has porn on his PC, and I hate to say it myself, but I'm sure my father does too. I don't want to know, I don't ask, and I let them have some privacy without the burden of my opinion.
AA
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My father is the same way. When I was about 16 my mother and him split up I was going on a date and trying to find something to wear. I was looking in the mirror and he said my a** looked great in the pants I was wearing. He would say dirty comments. Look at a lot younger females like around the high school. its your parents "sex life" probably isnt how it used to be and thats his way of getting it up I know it sounds nasty but thats how older men are a lot of them. he still wants it your mother probably does not. etc.
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UPDATED ANSWER POSTED IN RESPONSE TO ADDITIONAL INFO ADDED 12/28/09 BY DISTURBED DAUGHTER
Dear Disturbed:
Based on the additional information you provided I want to say more:
This situation is very serious and indicates that the person conducting these searches has a serious and dangerous condition and needs to seek help immediately. Also you should know that anyone with access to this computer, if it contains any videos or images that contain pictures of child sexual abuse can be prosecuted and be sentenced to state prison for literally decades even if they did not intend to place the images on the computer or even know that they were there. Encourage your father to get help. Consult a lawyer before taking action. Do this before deciding to contact the police. If there are no such images on the computer then it is a more nuanced question about whether the search itself is illegal. Contact a criminal lawyer that specializes in sex crimes defense for advice. A search that says
"twelve year old girls" or "little girls" is probably not illegal. But it is still evidence of a strong pathology. As hard as this may be, you must confront him.
(Below is the original Answer I provided-Viniya)
You are probably a victim of the current generational disconnect concerning electronic media. Whereas to you, the recent search cache on your parents' computer is as public as a a bumper sticker, they are probably not even aware of it's existence. Should your mother or father, or anyone else who might have been using the computer in question, know that the history cache of recent searches was so easily viewed by their child I am sure they would be in shock. If you were to confront them they would probably feel as though you had invaded their privacy. Of greatest concern is the possibility that an "underage girls" search may be evidence of an interest by someone in pedophilia. It is no coincidence that strictness and conservatism are often associated with aberrant sexuality. Repression of natural sexuality usually leads in this direction.
If the searches in question are expressly for "underage" then this implies a query to find illegal child pornography. If however, the search relates to "young" or "barely legal" this does not imply illegality but may be evidence of a common fantasy for middle aged men who are experiencing a mid-life crisis and who fantasize about young women. This can happen to the conservative as well as the more sexually liberated. Unless there is some clear evidence that this computer has been used to attempt to access illegal child pornography I would let it go and stop using the computer.
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You aren't necessarily over-reacting, emotionally this is a big deal, but there is also nothing you can do except put it out of your mind. For better, or for worse, your father is entitled to watching pornography in a legal, private way, no matter how nauseating and hypocritical it is.
Telling your mother is not a good idea. It's not respectful of either of your parents, and nothing good can possibly come of it for anyone's relationships.
It's not likely, nor is there much of a reason to assume, that what your father was looking for was illegal. There is a lot of porn online, most of it perfectly legal and featuring consenting adults. 'Underage' is a selling feature much like 'new and improved!', and it's unlikely to actually mean 'girls who are below the legal age'. Although it adds an 'Eww' factor for you, unless you have more to go on, there is no reason to jump to conclusions about the legality of these searches, and searching for illegal pornography would be the only situation where you'd have a responsibility to address what you found on that computer with anyone.
Just try and let it go. It's gross, and it's hypocritical, but unless it's also illegal or harmful, let it stay private and try to let it go.
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