Member Since: December 26, 2009
Answers: 10
Last Update: January 10, 2010
Visitors: 1670
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16/f
This guy Brian and I used to be really good friends but I'm pretty sure he liked me and I didn't like him back last year. We are still good friends but not as close as last year. Since I didn't like him he moved on to another girl but this girl, Alyssa, says she wants a relationship but doesn't want it to be official. What she means by this is she wants someone always there and around but she doesn't want it to be official because she'll have the pressure of having to do stuff. She is really prude, her and Brian had a thing for months and they only hooked up for a second the other night. I don't mean to bash on her but there really is nothing good about her, no personality, not very attractive, plain bitch, and prude. Now that I realize that I like him and want a real relationship how do I show him that? I am never good with showing people I like them, I always get really shy. But I am really serious about this and feel like we would have such a good relationship and my friends think so too. I think he is really just settling for her because there is no one else that he knows definetely likes him. So give me any ideas, suggestions. Thanks!! (link)
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Dear Sister:
Leave Brian and Alyssa alone.
You don't really know anything about them or what they really mean to each other.
You are conflicted and ambivalent and that is not a great foundation for a relationship.
You say that you don't want to bash on Alyssa and then you do just that.
If you want to start having healthy relationships as a woman..and you will soon be a woman so you had better start practicing, then you need start practicing generosity and kindness. Calling someone a 'plain bitch' and stating that there is 'nothing good about her' are examples of your weaknesses not hers.
Start by being a friend among friends. Say kind and supportive things about and to them. Be supportive of their relationship to the extent it is meaningful to them.
In the short term maybe you can figure out a way to break them up, cause suffering and in the end you can get what you want, the boy. The long term result for you will be a shallow and selfish personality and a life of unfulfilling and unsatisfactory relationships. You deserve better than this. Now is the time for you to change course and to focus on being a truly kind and generous person.
If you want a media role model to personify this advice. Read Jane Austen's novel "Emma" and if you are not a reader or consider classic literature to be "so last century" then rent the video "Clueless" and learn form Alicia Silverstone's character about what I am advising you to do.
Yes, the movie was made in the 90's and the its hard to believe that those shoe box sized plastic cases with antennas were, in fact, cell phones. But the themes are timeless, the film, hilarious and (don't tell anyone because it might ruin it) it is itself actually a modern retelling of Austen's "Emma".
You stand at a great moment of reckoning in your life. Seize it and use your power to benefit others. You will realize a return of incomparable value. You are worthy and deserving of nothing less!
Good luck my sister!
Viniya
I received your response and feedback. You state:
"I'm not trying to ruin their relationship, I've thought about all of this. The thing is, they do not have a relationship, just putting that out there. All they did was kiss one time so please do not think that I'm some sort of boyfriend stealer because that is not that case whatsoever and I would never do that to someone else.."
Alright, fair enough. But did you find my advice about kindness and generosity to be so impaired as to deserve a rating of "1"? Which by that way is the first time I have been rated below five and I wonder if you are being unnecessarily hard on me the way you were on Alyssa. Did you not find my advice sound about how to proceed into adulthood in a kind and generous way? I didn't lie to you. I told you the truth and it does not seem that you want to hear it. I never said you were a "boyfriend stealer". I said that you probably could steal him if you wanted to. I imagine you are way up on the food chain above this poor Alyssa girl. You could probably have any boy you want. That's all I was saying.
I would ask you again to consider a path of more generosity. Both for me and for Alyssa. And I do want you to thrive and live a fantastic and powerful life. I am on your side.
Respectfully,
Viniya
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sorry its me again.your answer was really good,great advice...the thing is i did talk to my bf about the attraction.i told him how in the process it felt like he was being selfish and wanted him to treat me softer and make it more about me.Like treat me like a kitten.
he did try to be soft and sweeter and kiss me and we did put our bodies against eachothers etc but i still dont feel anything...is there soemthing wrong with me?
I mean i have been with other guys that have made me arroused but he just doesnt.even when he kisses me neck i dont feel anything...thiss is the first real relationship iv had since my last bf which abused me two years ago,could this have anything to do with it??am i scared of getting hurt? (link)
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Please do not apologize for asking for help. It is a great skill you possess. Honor it!
I am afraid at this point that I have more questions than answers for you to consider. This is because the origins of your arousal problem can come from so many different possible sources.
My best advice at this point is to seek professional help. I would start by trying to rule out simple physical explanations. How is your health? Your diet? Your exercise? How is your period? Are you taking oral contraceptives? Do you smoke? Time for a complete physical with your doctor or gynecologist. Be open and frank with him/her. Often it is a matter of simple physiology that can be easily corrected.
If a simple physical explanation is lacking then I would consider talking to a counselor especially one who is expert on issues of sex. Some of the questions that you should ask yourself and talk to a counselor about include
Are you a virgin? When did you start to menstruate? Did you find the physical abuse of former relationships to be arousing? Is there a healthy metaphor for submission or dominance that you would find arousing and that would not require you to be a victim of violence?
Try to notice what is happening with your body. A mindfulness practice like meditation can help here. What do you feel physically when you are with your boyfriend and you are not being aroused? Apathy? Indifference? Disgust? You say he is 'Hot'. Do you mean he is physically attractive? Does that attraction vanish when he touches you? What can you remember about the boys who touched you that turned you on. Can you identify what is different with your current BF?
What about masturbation? Does that work for you? If so, what kind of fantasies turn you on? You do not need to respond to me with answers to these questions. (You can if you want absolutely..but I just want you to start thinking expressly about these issues as you are the one who will find the answer within eventually).
Are you straight? Maybe you prefer girls? Also something to consider.
Please do let me know how you are and if you find any cool answers that could help others please let me know.
Also please know that this is a problem for many girls and women in our misogynist society. You are not alone and you are not abnormal.
I am totally in support of your continued open and honest exploration of yourself and your sexuality. Do not judge yourself nor allow anyone else to judge you. And do not allow yourself to be used abused or otherwise victimized by anyone.
I am sorry I do not have an easy solution for you. Let me know if I can be of any further assistance.
Viniya
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so iv been goin g out with this guy for 2months now and we ve both fallen for eachother.yes i know it didnt take long to fall for him but it is how it is.anyway we started to get physical about a weeks ago.were not having sex yet but i gave him head and he sucked on my tits and rubbed himself against me etc.i have a few questions...
1. why am i not turned on?i should be,hes touching me and feeling me up and i think hes extremely hot and all but im just not turned on!like weve been physical almost everyday for the past week...
2.it kinda feels like now he just wants to hang out to get physicla.i mean every time we hang out he takes me out for a drink then we go and get physical and do all that stuff and then we hang out abit more.but before when we werent physical it felt like he actually wanted to spend time with me for me,not for any physical action.am i being used?
overall whats to do?please just advice nothing judgemental
im 21/f (link)
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Dear 21/f
For seven weeks you and your BF were not physical. Then about a week ago you began to be physical and you do not understand why you are not feeling aroused even though he is feeling you up, sucking your tits and rubbing himself against you.
There are several problems here:
Sexual arousal is a function of human biologic and emotional intimacy. You have been unable to tap this conduit in yourself under the circumstances you describe. This does not surprise me.
Your only real sex organ is your brain.
Do not make the mistake of assuming that sexual arousal should be a function of the number and frequency of the touching of each others 'naughty bits'. Without some subjective experience of psycho-sexual cathexis, simply touching and rubbing will provide little or no arousal. It sounds as if you have a partner who is unable to physically communicate a meaningful connection with you. Also it sounds as if you are unable to express a meaningful connection with him. You are both relating to each other as the sum of your sexual parts and not as an integrated whole.
What about masturbation? Are you able to arouse yourself? Even masturbation requires a meaningful libidinal connection in the brain. If you are successful here then you and your partner have a failure to communicate sexually for one reason or another. If you are unable to arouse yourself through masturbation then it is unlikely you will find yourself aroused with someone else. Assuming you can masturbate successfully then I propose the following as possible sources of your difficulties becoming aroused with your boyfriend:
1. You are dis-inhibiting yourself with alcohol. Boys understand that girls have strong sex drives which are often culturally and socially repressed (especially in the United States). Alcohol is a powerful central nervous system depressant which often feels like a stimulant because of its strong tendency to dis-inhibit feelings that have been culturally and socially repressed. Since female libidinal energy is often crippled in girls from a very young age the sense of libidinal freeing when drinking can be quite profound. Paradoxically, however, CNS depressants like alcohol are physiologically deadening and actually impair the sex drive. Result: You may feel more inclined to 'go farther' with a few drinks in you, but the actual physiological arousal you feel will be decreased.
2. Sexual arousal and gratification are functions of kindness and generosity. Sexual selfishness leads to an impoverished sense of arousal and intense yet unsatisfied craving. Neither you nor your BF seem to be concerned with meeting the others' sexual needs. You are relating to each other as an aggregate of body parts. He sucks your tits and rubs you. Does he do this because you have communicated to him that this is what you want and need? (This communication need not be verbal). Try communicating directly what you need and want. Tell him. Or take his hand and put it where you want. Or guide his mouth.
3. Are you engaging in other physically intimate behaviors? Sucking tits and rubbing against you are great but what about kissing? Long, deep, open mouthed, tongue swirling, spit swapping kissing is probably the best sex therapy known to man (and woman). And what about holding? The tender and intimate pressing of one's body against another's is also a sure fire source of kindling. Locking bodies like two puzzle pieces and then pressing hard against each other is great. Don't rub and dry hump at first. Just press and press hard. You will be amazed at how arousing this can be. Touching with fingertips to face, lips, neck . Gentle, soft, and tender. Try this first before just lifting your shirt and shoving your tits in his mouth.
Another solution for you is to work on reinforcing your self-esteem and self-worth by introducing some boundaries that the BF must respect. He has become used to a wet mouth on his penis, a pair of tits in his mouth and a crevice or two to dry hump. Is this all that you are? No, of course it is not!
Time to school this BF on the truly magical and wondrous feminine goddess that you are. If he does not value time spent with you for its own sake then you know that there are plenty of boys out there who will. Most have to be shown this truth. Boys in the rough are like precious stones covered in dirt. They need to be polished and taught to embrace and satisfy the needs of their partners and not to simply learn to associate an ejaculation with complete psycho-sexual gratification. This requires some substantial work on your part. Boys are taught at a young age to treat women selfishly and as objects for the satisfaction of the basest of physiological release. They must first unlearn these socializations and be retaught how to act with sexual generosity and respect for female sexual power. Girlfriend, believe me when I tell you, this is the greatest gift a boy can be given and if you school him skillfully it will seem to him to be generous and giving on your part (which it is). If all the girls in all the world were to take up this as their mission then war and poverty and violence would be eliminated and we could all learn to reach across the divides that separate us.
I am totally serious!
So my child, go forth and teach this young roughly hewed and selfish penile possessor to be nimble and tender and giving and you my dear will save the world and all its inhabitants and you might even find yourself getting off in the process!
Viniya
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im 15 years old and in the 9th grade ive been best friend with this girl named rebecca, we've been best friends since 6th grade and we were pretty much inseperable! we hung out every chance we could, she's slowly starting to change though and now its like she doesnt even want to hangout with me anymore. everytime i ask her to hang out with me shes always like ''i cant im grounded'' or ''my moms being gay and wont let me do anything'' and then like 20 minutes later on myspace she'll post her status as hanging out with so and so! when she just told me she was grounded. why would she lie to me? i mean i understand shes going to have other friends but that doesnt mean she has to get rid of all of her old ones.i'd rather her tell me the truth then lie to me, if she doesnt want to hangout with me i'd rather her just tell me instead of her just making some lame excuse! i mean why would she tell me shes grounded and then post that on myspace when not only is she my friend on there but i was online too! im her only true friend and she treats me like dirt, she doesnt even talk to me at school she just walks past me and looks at me. she took me off her top and everytime i try taking to her shes really short with me expecially when shes with her other friends. i even bought her something for christmas i messaged her on myspace saying that i got her a gift and that if she wanted me to i would bring it by after my mom gets off. all she replied back with is i have a friend over and then she signed off! i still havent been able to give her gift, because she still has no time for me. i want to confront her about it but i have no idea what to say i dont want her to hate me because she is my best friend i just dont know what to do. i actually care about our friendship and is willing to do anything i can to fix it so any advice will help! (link)
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Please understand that adolescence is a time of deep loyalties and even deeper betrayals. I am sorry that your "best friend" has decided to dump you and does not have the courage to face you or to be honest with you about it. Sweetie, there is just no sugar coating for the lesson you are learning here.
It is painful and difficult to accept but Rebbecca is telling you that she does not want to be your friend anymore. Not best friends, not any friends. The cold hard truth is that Rebbecca is hanging out with new friends and she feels that you are cramping her style and she does not want to spend time with you.
I know that you are concerned with losing this friendship and are frantically doing the most desperate and self-sacrificing things you can think of to save it. It will not work. AND THIS BEHAVIOR IS BAD FOR YOU. She is gone and will not be back unless or until one of her new friends does the same thing to her.
And you can rest assured that Rebbecca will suffer the same fate at the hands of a "best friend" during her lifetime. Everyone gets dumped in this life. You are at the most vulnerable age both as to the severity of the dumping and your sensitivity to it. Please be gentle with yourself.
I am seriously concerned about your self-esteem. I would like to see you learn to be your own best friend. This requires a deeply ingrained and conditioned belief in your own value. I fear that you do not realize the great value that is you and how wonderful an addition you are to the world.
You must learn to tell yourself that you love yourself and that you are important and cherished and deserving of respect and dignity and you must never let anyone tell you differently or allow them to treat you as badly as Rebbecca has treated you.
When you learn to care for yourself and believe in yourself then the quality of relationships available to you will far exceed that of the Rebbeccas of the world.
Have compassion for Rebbecca but do not buy her any more gifts. Cut her from your friends lists and only allow those persons who treat you well to be your friend.
This is a hard lesson to learn. But if you can master this now at 15 then your life will be full and happy and your relationships will blossom and you will flourish and thrive and know love and companionship and the great value that is your human heart.
Please be very kind to yourself and write back and tell me how you are doing. I care about you. I really do.
Viniya
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So I am a lesbian and my gf told me about 2 months ago that her roomate was the first girl she slept with. My gf got into a bind and her roomate took her in and helping her until she gets her own place. They had sex 10 years ago and its always been on the downlow sometimes I am confused because her roomate is very bossy and rude and makes her watch her kids 24/7. My gf says that was like a one night stand no feeling she dont want her nothing like that. It is hard to think otherwise when they live together but are like best friends and her roomate is like a mom cuz she took her in cuz her mom kicked her out. Well new years I got upset and said something to her roomates sister who didnt know my gf got upset said she felt betrayed and said she will get her ass kicked is her roomates sister says something. What should I do and believe? (link)
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Your "girl friend" is living with another woman with whom she has previously had sex and appears to be stringing you along and not being honest with you.
You should not have said anything to the roommate's sister since you did not know whether or not the roommate had told her sister about having had sex with her ten years before. The fact that you are upset about your girlfriend and her roommate having been former lovers is something you should be talking about with your girlfriend. Not her roommate's sister.
Since your girlfriend is "best friends" with her roommate, takes care of her roommate's kids, and is like a daughter to her roommate, there does not seem to be much "room" left for you. If there is a way to create a healthy boundary here then I cannot think of it.
Time for you to be moving on!
Viniya
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I am 16 female.. I dated this guy for just under a year he dumped me because there was rumors atschool that I was cheating so he dumped me even though I wasn't cheating.. My problem now is we have been apart for basically two months we have talked a bit decently but we always end up yelling and getting Mad but we have both aknowledged that we still have feelings for eachcother... I can't stop thinking of him he meant everything to me and was my life we had been through a lot together his name is in my doodles he's in my dreams please someone is this normal or is something wrong with me please help before I go crazy. -sleepiesheep (link)
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This is normal and there is nothing wrong with you.
I invite you to not go crazy.
What you don't say is whether or not he meant everything to you when you were dating.
Was he in your doodles then?
Was he in your dreams then?
Or are your obsessive feelings the product of being dumped? And speaking of being dumped...where is the trust and communication in this relationship? Why does he prefer to believe false rumors about your cheating rather than the truth from his girlfriend? Why are these rumors at school? Can they be challenged? Will the the person(s) alleged in the rumors stand by you and back up your claims of fidelity? Can the person(s) making the rumors be made to recant them. Or are they just vague sourceless rumors that have no possibility of being contradicted?
No matter which scenario, boyfriend sounds too immature to handle a girl who has feelings as strong as yours.
Remember, the depth and poignancy of your feelings for him are qualities of yours, not his. It is an expression of your capacity to love and to be loved. These feelings are painful when not reciprocated but they are evidence that you are alive and human and full of the great and boundless heart of love.
Give yourself some credit. Find a boy who is mature enough to enter into a mutually trusting relationship which is based upon open and honest communication.
At 16 they are few and far between but they are there.
Work on yourself and prepare the girl for the quality boy you want to be with.
By prepare I mean to learn to be compassionate, generous, sincere, and self-reliant. Learn how to take care of and ask for your own needs to be met. Learn to hold yourself with dignity and work hard to forge yourself into a strong independent young woman with depth,intelligence, integrity, poise and self respect.
Don't let anyone (especially boys) undermine your strength of character or compromise your values.
If you put these efforts into yourself and your self-esteem and begin now to build towards achieving a solid and satisfying adulthood, the kind of quality guys you want will be showing up in droves.
By respecting yourself and others you will find that they will respect you. "Be then the change you want to see in the world" said Gandhi. You can do it! Good luck my sister!
And if you are sexually active or will soon be: PLEASE, for all the above reasons, please learn how to use contraceptives and practice safer sex. Pregnancy and Sexually transmitted disease can ruin or even end your life!
Viniya
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15/f
I recently lost my virginity to a guy who I thought to be a good guy. Now I learn he's a tweaker, he's a stealer, he's a liar, and he's an asshole. All of this I gathered from other people and although some may see that as an inappropriate source, its from people who care about and so I don't doubt them. They've known him longer and have been his close friends. I believe them.
I know I should leave him. I know I need to leave him, but it's just...it doesn't feel that simple to me. He was my first and for some reason I feel attatched to him. Even though I have no real relationship with him, I'm afraid of losing him and I don't understand why.
I've never felt that vulnerable in my life and for some reason don't want to leave him after becoming that vulernable with him...becuase it was a hard thing to do, you know?
So, I was just wondering if you guys could give me some advice. I'm not really sure what my question is since I know I need to leave him for my well being but still..it's difficult...and I would honestly appreciate some friendly advice because when it comes to losing him bascially for some strange reason : it scares the fuck out of me. (link)
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You said it yourself: You need to leave him for your own well being. So you know the answer. I appreciate that it is difficult but since you have been put on notice that he is a tweaker (you risk getting arrested or catching a sexually transmitted disease or drug addiction yourself); he's a thief (you risk losing your property), he's a liar (you risk being lied to); he's an "asshole" (you risk losing your self respect, dignity, reputation and safety) I would say that you are just going to have to let go. Tell him that if he gets sober, cleans up his act and grows up that you might then talk to him. But don't make him any promises. In the mean time ask yourself how it was that you ended up surrendering your virginity to such a person. Your own judgment and maturity may need some serious work. Focus on yourself and your own life and dignity. You are very young and have plenty of time for boys and sex. Focus now on becoming the woman you want to be. You deserve to treat yourself better than this.
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I'm a teacher in my twenties who recently went home for the holidays to spend some quality time with my parents. Upfront, you should know that my parents are VERY strict and conservative (always have been)--which is why I was shocked beyond belief when I discovered on my parents' computer that there were recent searches for porn videos. I'm assuming it was my father, because my mother rarely uses the Internet and many of the search phrases involved "underage girls" (which is the most nauseating part). Now, everytime I look at my father or speak to him, I can't get the image of those words out of my head. My relationship with my father has never been strong, and this hasn't helped our situation at all (mainly because I feel like my "conservative" father who always looked down upon sex and immoral behavior is such a fraud now). I don't know if I should tell my mother, confront him, and/or just keep my trap shut and push this whole thing out of my mind. Am I overreacting here?
Sincerely,
Disturbed Daughter (link)
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UPDATED ANSWER POSTED IN RESPONSE TO ADDITIONAL INFO ADDED 12/28/09 BY DISTURBED DAUGHTER
Dear Disturbed:
Based on the additional information you provided I want to say more:
This situation is very serious and indicates that the person conducting these searches has a serious and dangerous condition and needs to seek help immediately. Also you should know that anyone with access to this computer, if it contains any videos or images that contain pictures of child sexual abuse can be prosecuted and be sentenced to state prison for literally decades even if they did not intend to place the images on the computer or even know that they were there. Encourage your father to get help. Consult a lawyer before taking action. Do this before deciding to contact the police. If there are no such images on the computer then it is a more nuanced question about whether the search itself is illegal. Contact a criminal lawyer that specializes in sex crimes defense for advice. A search that says
"twelve year old girls" or "little girls" is probably not illegal. But it is still evidence of a strong pathology. As hard as this may be, you must confront him.
(Below is the original Answer I provided-Viniya)
You are probably a victim of the current generational disconnect concerning electronic media. Whereas to you, the recent search cache on your parents' computer is as public as a a bumper sticker, they are probably not even aware of it's existence. Should your mother or father, or anyone else who might have been using the computer in question, know that the history cache of recent searches was so easily viewed by their child I am sure they would be in shock. If you were to confront them they would probably feel as though you had invaded their privacy. Of greatest concern is the possibility that an "underage girls" search may be evidence of an interest by someone in pedophilia. It is no coincidence that strictness and conservatism are often associated with aberrant sexuality. Repression of natural sexuality usually leads in this direction.
If the searches in question are expressly for "underage" then this implies a query to find illegal child pornography. If however, the search relates to "young" or "barely legal" this does not imply illegality but may be evidence of a common fantasy for middle aged men who are experiencing a mid-life crisis and who fantasize about young women. This can happen to the conservative as well as the more sexually liberated. Unless there is some clear evidence that this computer has been used to attempt to access illegal child pornography I would let it go and stop using the computer.
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17/m
Ok, so I really like this girl, and I want to tell her how I feel. I feel that she needs to know this. I want to know a good way to tell her this. If she doesn't feel the same way, that's fine, I just want to tell her, but I don't want to ruin our friendship, because we're really good friends. So, what's something I can say so she can know how I feel, but not ruin our friendship if she doesn't like me too? (link)
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Guess what? She already likes you. You are really good friends.
Now you have romantic feelings for her and you want a way to tell her that will not risk hurting your friendship. You cannot tell her without that risk. Sorry.
Here's a question for you: Do you think she feels the same way? Your intuition is your best guide here. If you think that she does then she probably does. So tell her: "I am attracted to you in a way that is more than friends. How do you feel about that?" She will tell you then you will know.
If you do not think that she shares your romantic interest and if, as you say, it's fine for her to not feel the same way that you do then why do you think that she needs to know about these new feelings expressly? Don't worry. She will figure it out on her own
If you do tell her then the friendship you currently have will end. Maybe you get a new friendship and a romantic partner or maybe a different friendship or maybe no friendship but no matter what, the relationship has a new dimension now that you have realized romantic feelings for her and you risk changing the features of that relationship by telling her.
Don't get me wrong. Maybe telling her is the best thing to do but do not pretend that it is "fine" if she does not feel the same way. But it is not the end of the world if she does not either. Remember it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. Finding love means risk. You cannot avoid risk. But risk is also half the fun.
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I don't even want to say I love him, but I think it's true. I don't want to think of him this way. He is my best friend. I can't tell anyone, "Hey, I lied I still like him. Hey, I'm not over him. Hey, I feel empty inside because he said he was going to love me forever, but he doesn't." I can not especially tell him. I told him a month ago that I would never mention "us" anymore, and I've kept to my word. By now he must believe that I am over him. I hope he does think that. But if he truly does, then it truly means he does not care and that he has moved on. It's so easy for him to mope about other girls and talk about them and me to give him advice, to cheer him on, to tell him to not give up. I tell him that he'll meet the right girl someday. I know that it isn't me. It can't be me right? If it was me, then he would know it. I have this break up book and have read some of it. I think it might have made my feelings resurface when I started reading it and actually feeling them again. I think I've tried to deny my feelings thinking that it's the easiest way to make them disappear. Life just changed on me so suddenly and I can't go back. How do I believe anything anymore? I know it was my fault but now I don't know how I'll trust a guy. It was bad enough before, it took me ages to open up to him properly, I'm scared. I'm scared that people lie and that love ends so suddenly without warning. And I thought everything was okay just yesterday. I don't know what to do. (link)
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You love him and you don't know what to do. Here's my advice: Just love him. Love is something you possess in your heart. It is not a complicated struggle with all the confusing causes and conditions you are analyzing. Pause, breathe, and notice what you are feeling inside your body.
Life, love and relationships are not either-or propositions. You are in love with someone you consider a "friend". This is a good thing. Live your love and don't deny your feelings. They are not going to go away even if you do.
Do not be concerned about what you can or cannot tell others about how you feel. First you need to understand what you are feeling. Maybe you will have to admit that you were wrong or that your feelings have changed or that you didn't really understand them at the time you told your friends that you were not into him anymore. This is alright. It is the human condition to change and make mistakes
Do not be concerned about what he does or does not believe. If he believes that you are "over him" then you may decide to change that but first pay attention to yourself and how it is that you are not "over him".
You tell him that he "will meet the right girl some day" but you want to be that girl and you are afraid that you are not. Since you don't know whether you are the right girl for him why do you assume that he should know any better than you do? Being the right girl is a process, not a fact. Maybe this process will happen, maybe it won't. Don't assume that your assumptions prove facts about the feelings of others. You get lost then in the maze of your own thinking and distance yourself from the person who's feelings you want to know better.
A couple of certain truths I can relate to you: Denying your feelings is not the easiest way to make them disappear. It's the easiest way to guarantee that they will blow back on you and cause you to suffer.
You are right: people do lie and love can end suddenly and without warning. But also people tell the truth and what sometimes feels like love ending is actually an opportunity to love in a completely different way.
Love is not a commodity possessed by others and given to or taken away by others at random. Love is what resides in your heart and your heart has an infinite capacity to love. It is scary to love. I admit. But love anyway. With all your heart. Love yourself, your family, your friends, your neighbors and especially your enemies. Love as though your life depended on it. Guess what? It does.
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