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physical attraction with bf
so iv been goin g out with this guy for 2months now and we ve both fallen for eachother.yes i know it didnt take long to fall for him but it is how it is.anyway we started to get physical about a weeks ago.were not having sex yet but i gave him head and he sucked on my tits and rubbed himself against me etc.i have a few questions...
1. why am i not turned on?i should be,hes touching me and feeling me up and i think hes extremely hot and all but im just not turned on!like weve been physical almost everyday for the past week...
2.it kinda feels like now he just wants to hang out to get physicla.i mean every time we hang out he takes me out for a drink then we go and get physical and do all that stuff and then we hang out abit more.but before when we werent physical it felt like he actually wanted to spend time with me for me,not for any physical action.am i being used?
overall whats to do?please just advice nothing judgemental
im 21/f
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Dear 21/f
For seven weeks you and your BF were not physical. Then about a week ago you began to be physical and you do not understand why you are not feeling aroused even though he is feeling you up, sucking your tits and rubbing himself against you.
There are several problems here:
Sexual arousal is a function of human biologic and emotional intimacy. You have been unable to tap this conduit in yourself under the circumstances you describe. This does not surprise me.
Your only real sex organ is your brain.
Do not make the mistake of assuming that sexual arousal should be a function of the number and frequency of the touching of each others 'naughty bits'. Without some subjective experience of psycho-sexual cathexis, simply touching and rubbing will provide little or no arousal. It sounds as if you have a partner who is unable to physically communicate a meaningful connection with you. Also it sounds as if you are unable to express a meaningful connection with him. You are both relating to each other as the sum of your sexual parts and not as an integrated whole.
What about masturbation? Are you able to arouse yourself? Even masturbation requires a meaningful libidinal connection in the brain. If you are successful here then you and your partner have a failure to communicate sexually for one reason or another. If you are unable to arouse yourself through masturbation then it is unlikely you will find yourself aroused with someone else. Assuming you can masturbate successfully then I propose the following as possible sources of your difficulties becoming aroused with your boyfriend:
1. You are dis-inhibiting yourself with alcohol. Boys understand that girls have strong sex drives which are often culturally and socially repressed (especially in the United States). Alcohol is a powerful central nervous system depressant which often feels like a stimulant because of its strong tendency to dis-inhibit feelings that have been culturally and socially repressed. Since female libidinal energy is often crippled in girls from a very young age the sense of libidinal freeing when drinking can be quite profound. Paradoxically, however, CNS depressants like alcohol are physiologically deadening and actually impair the sex drive. Result: You may feel more inclined to 'go farther' with a few drinks in you, but the actual physiological arousal you feel will be decreased.
2. Sexual arousal and gratification are functions of kindness and generosity. Sexual selfishness leads to an impoverished sense of arousal and intense yet unsatisfied craving. Neither you nor your BF seem to be concerned with meeting the others' sexual needs. You are relating to each other as an aggregate of body parts. He sucks your tits and rubs you. Does he do this because you have communicated to him that this is what you want and need? (This communication need not be verbal). Try communicating directly what you need and want. Tell him. Or take his hand and put it where you want. Or guide his mouth.
3. Are you engaging in other physically intimate behaviors? Sucking tits and rubbing against you are great but what about kissing? Long, deep, open mouthed, tongue swirling, spit swapping kissing is probably the best sex therapy known to man (and woman). And what about holding? The tender and intimate pressing of one's body against another's is also a sure fire source of kindling. Locking bodies like two puzzle pieces and then pressing hard against each other is great. Don't rub and dry hump at first. Just press and press hard. You will be amazed at how arousing this can be. Touching with fingertips to face, lips, neck . Gentle, soft, and tender. Try this first before just lifting your shirt and shoving your tits in his mouth.
Another solution for you is to work on reinforcing your self-esteem and self-worth by introducing some boundaries that the BF must respect. He has become used to a wet mouth on his penis, a pair of tits in his mouth and a crevice or two to dry hump. Is this all that you are? No, of course it is not!
Time to school this BF on the truly magical and wondrous feminine goddess that you are. If he does not value time spent with you for its own sake then you know that there are plenty of boys out there who will. Most have to be shown this truth. Boys in the rough are like precious stones covered in dirt. They need to be polished and taught to embrace and satisfy the needs of their partners and not to simply learn to associate an ejaculation with complete psycho-sexual gratification. This requires some substantial work on your part. Boys are taught at a young age to treat women selfishly and as objects for the satisfaction of the basest of physiological release. They must first unlearn these socializations and be retaught how to act with sexual generosity and respect for female sexual power. Girlfriend, believe me when I tell you, this is the greatest gift a boy can be given and if you school him skillfully it will seem to him to be generous and giving on your part (which it is). If all the girls in all the world were to take up this as their mission then war and poverty and violence would be eliminated and we could all learn to reach across the divides that separate us.
I am totally serious!
So my child, go forth and teach this young roughly hewed and selfish penile possessor to be nimble and tender and giving and you my dear will save the world and all its inhabitants and you might even find yourself getting off in the process!
Viniya
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If you've 'been physical' with him everyday for the past week, you are probably right that it's the only thing he really wants and expects when he gets together with you. The only way to fix that is to start spending time with one another again, and remind you both that you like eachother's company as well as bodies.
As for why you are not turned on, no one but you can answer that question. Maybe you are stressed out or overtired. Maybe doing this all the time has made you a bit bored with it. Maybe his approach just doesn't get you going.
When it comes to figuring out your own sexual arousal, you are the only expert.
So give your responses to him some serious thought, and ask for what you want in your relationship, including more time just enjoying eachothers company.
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It is called chemistry and it doesn't happen between just anyone. It is something special that even scientists can't put a finger on. Even if you really like a guy.....you might just not have "chemistry" with him. It takes "chemistry" or sexual attraction, to be turned on. And sometimes, it just isn't there.
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