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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
Hey. First off, let me say that i am 20 years old and he is 24. I have been on birth control for 2 years, but we always used a condom. I get tested for STD's once a year, and actually went in december, and im in the clear. So is my boyfriend, we have only been sexually active with each other. So yesterday my boyfriend came inside of me without using a condom, and about 10 minutes later it started to sting, and when i went to pee, it hurt to wipe. I researched this when he left, and on a lot of websites, it said i could be "allergic to the proteins in his semen". Well, to me, that seems like a load of crap (no offence). But im no doctor, im studying to be an english teacher. I'm asking for opinions, experiences, and medical help.
-has anyone had this happen before?
-is it likely that im allergic to his semen?
-is there anyway to stop the burning?
THANK YOU!
The Answer
I had it happen with one partner. Like you, when I first read about semen allergies I thought it was complete bullshit.
We both went to the doctors. Got checked out repeatedly and were fine. The doctor told me that most women who think they have semen intolerance, actually don't and have other STIs or often a persistent low grade yeast infection, but that some actually do have an intolerance. She told me to do a simple test: Take Claritin before we had sex, and see if it decreases the irritation. If it does, it’s likely an intolerance, similar to the many things that give me hives… (not an allergy, which is really extremely rare and often life-threatening, just an intolerance.)
And yep, Claritin didn’t solve the problem completely, but it definitely decreased it. I’ll also just throw out there that I DID responds to oral sex as well. It almost always gave me a scratchy throat the next day.
There is no one here (not as far as I know) who can give you medical advice. I can say I didn’t response to all men this way (I only had one partner in my life where we didn’t use condoms).
You should probably go back to a doctor and explain the exact problem. STI checks aren’t designed to be comprehensive. They often just look for the big common STIs. Go back and discuss the problem and let the doctor do whatever additional tests make sense. If you have any other allergies, you might do what I did and try your standard allergy treatment course, but either way, going back to a doctor is a probably your first step.
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The Question
17/f I have been the same person since I was ten. I've liked the same music, same style, same people. But my mom hates the guys I date. She says they are cute but pobably not going anywhere in life and I should like really smart boys who are going to be rich and so I never have to work. She says this all the time and I am sick of this lecture. I've gone on dates with the type of guy she wants me to date and I have nothing in common with them. I just don't know what to say to her. I can't help who I like, money has never been too important to me, and she says the only reason I don't care about money is because i've never had to worry about it. Which is true, my family is pretty wealthy and I didn't even know the economy was bad until my friends parents lost their jobs. I understand why my mom says the things she says, she just wants what's best for me. But I can't change who I am or who I love, can I? Don't think I like bad boys or whatever, that's not my type. I like artsy sensitive boys. I have the most in common with
them. how do I handle this situation?
The Answer
"I'm seventeen Mom! I'm not looking for a life partner and the father of my children! I'm DATING."
Don't argue with above love, or 'in-common', or money... It doesn’t sound like you are in a serious relationship with anyone right now, so you don’t have to justify a choice of one particular guy. Shut her down by saying "You have a point Mom and I hear you. In the future, those migth be things I have to think about when I'm selecting a guy. But it's not important NOW. I’m just enjoying the company of people I want to date. I’m not going to judge the guys I like based on their potential pension plan.”
You seem to know she does have a point, although it’s not so serious one as she believes it is, and letting her know you get it will probably help her feel like she can back down a bit... Its only natural for your mom to want for you the same kind of lifestyle she has. It's also natural for you at this age, to start gently reminding her that you are still figuring out what you want...
If you think it will help her put this in perspective you can even ask her: “Do you really want me to be thinking about marriage and kids at my age? I’ve got other things to do first!”
Most parents don’t want their 17 year old to be trolling for baby daddy material.
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The Question
I know it sounds pretty hilarious but it isn't really that funny at the moment. My husband is a good 16 years older than me and is fairly bald. I think he's a very attractive man and I've never had even the slightest problem with him being much older than me; however, my co-workers continue to refer to him as my father!
I understand that at first glance maybe it might look that way. I don't want make it an awkward moment in correcting them if I can avoid it: "Actually, he isn't my Dad...he's my husband..." usually leads to that odd silence, followed by a small gasp and an apology. Should I seek a new "phrase" in correcting?
How do I tell my coworkers that he ISN'T my father without coming off as rude while making it clear? I've noticed that I've had to correct a few of them multiple times so, obviously, I'm not making it clear enough. Then, there are those few people who continue to apologize the next few times I see them: "I had no idea he was your husband. I thought he was your Dad. I'm sorry!" Obviously, I'm coming off as rude to some of my coworkers.
Suggestions?
The Answer
Don't worry so much about being rude?
I know that's not exactly what you want to hear, but it sounds to me like you have a calm approach to this and an appropriate sense of humor about the problem. So, it seems more likely to me that your co-workers are a bit over sensitive and too apologetic, then that you acted rudely.
Do you know what is colossally rude? Continuing to make this error after having been corrected, because being corrected on the husband/father mistake is not something a person is likely to forget. Once is funny and harmless, but the one’s who have required multiple corrections warrant a firmer hand then the others.
You cannot completely save your co-workers from an awkward moment AND convey the necessary information too. There is just going to be a degree of discomfort about this. I don’t think there is a clearer phrase then the one you offered. It really is more important to explain the truth, then to defend every inch of their feelings. After you’ve clearly conveyed what you need too, THEN you smooth their feathers down. You correct them. Smile gently. And assure them that it is a common enough mistake and that you aren’t offended.
I think you are worrying at a little bit too much about the feelings of others and that is probably a large part of why this continues to happen. Those who have been corrected sense your discomfort and keep it to themselves like it is some big secret and carry around their personal shame about it... When you correct someone next time, follow up with what your husband’s work is, or how long you’ve been married. Show that you are comfortable and open speaking about your marriage. They are likely mistaking your desire to say little and not embarrass them, for the idea that you are embarrassed or unwilling to speak about it yourself.
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The Question
I was married back last June to my wonderful husband. We dated for a couple of years and everything was just like the perfect fairytales you hear about. I know fairytales aren't true though...
My problem is that I have no sexual desire or drive. I don't really care if we have sex or not. I'm fulfilled in all ways without sexual interaction. I don't "get horny" and I've never had ANY desire to even masturbate. We've had sex before but it's not pleasurable for me at all (it isn't painful or anyting either).
My husband is concerned as to why we never have sex. We've been married all of this time and we've had sex just a handful of times (maybe 4 times total). I know that he desires sex and I want him to be fulfilled but it's strange for me.
How do I tell my husband that I don't have sexual feelings? I need to explain to him that the reason I'm never turned-on is because I simply don't GET turned-on by anything at all, ever. He deserves to know why I never desire sex with him, I understand, but I don't know how to tell him this without sounding like a freak. It really isn't him at all, it's me.
We've had a few slight arguments about sex recently because of my disinterest. Since I never think of it, I cannot predict when he might be interested in it. It isn't that I'm not attracted to him either...I think he's a wonderful man inside and out. I just...don't care about sex? I don't want it, really? Should I see a doctor about this because surely it isn't normal, right? Help?
The Answer
Yes, you should see a doctor. You both should see a marriage counselor and you might consider seeing a therapist on your own as well…
It might be normal for you. There might be nothing physically wrong and little a doctor can recommend to you. However, it's likely going to destroy your marriage if you don't at least attempt to address it.
Speak to your husband honestly and openly about your lack of interest in all things sexual. There is no trick to how to do this. You will have to trust your husband not to think you a freak and to listen to what you say. You do need to calmly convey this information and the sooner the better. He does deserve to know it, and the longer he goes without it, the more damage will be done and the more anger created. You need to accept he is going to be confused, hurt and angry. If this not how he envisioned marriage, it’s normal for him to get upset.
I don’t mean to blame either of you, but this is really something you should discuss before you get married. When people choose a situation with their eyes open, knowing what the other person desires and expects, they are not so hurt and disappointed when compromise is needed. You find yourself in a situation now where what you want from ‘marriage’, is very different from what your husband’s wants from ‘marriage’ in this aspect of your life. That might be very hard to reconcile.
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The Question
I don't think my periods are normal but my doctor keeps telling me that they will sort out as I age. I am 22 years old and have been having a period since I was 11, actually, so I kind-of think that they should be better than they are.
I have a period every 13 - 17 days. They are pretty lengthy and very painful. I pass a LOT of blood clots and bleed so heavily that I cannot wear tampons. I've take time off of work before because of how seriously ill I've been. I've passed out a few times at work during my time of the month (or should that be timeS of the month?). I almost always vomit during the daytime while on my period. I run a fever but I am really pale and weak when I'm menstruating. This cannot be normal!
My doctor keeps telling me that I'm young and that my symptoms will clear up as I get older. I don't want them to clear up YEARS from now. I want normal 28-day periods that are moderate flow for the right amount of days...NOW! :(
What can I say to my doctor so that he takes me seriously? I seriously want this to change if at all possible. I seriously want him to understand me and try to help me rather than shrugging me off like a kid. What do I say to him?
The Answer
Stop trying with this particular doctor, just go to another.
Preferably to a doctor or clinic that specializes in women’s health. Ask female friends for their referrals and take your business and health care somewhere else. It might be challenging, you might have to wait for an appointment or drive a good way, or maybe it will cost you some extra money. At this point however, you’ve got a much better chance visiting someone else then continuing to bang your head against your current doctor’s door.
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The Question
3 year old girl, autistic with severe delays, abandoned by her father 2.5 years, no support, he doesnt care to know her diagnosis', doesnt call, gave christmas presents via his mother, lives in another state but let a year go by without even trying to see her (4 hour drive). his stepmom calls every few months to see the child. should an abandoned little girl with a family who adores her allow her to see the only one of "deadbeat, past father who abandoned her's stepmother", or cut the family off with the divorce and have him provide his relatives with visitation or not. we want what is in the best interest of the child thanks!
The Answer
The best interests of the child include love and support of any family member willing and able to give it.
They also include not inviting legal battles over visitation rights.
There is no reason to deny access to a doting grandparent, even merely a 'step-grandparent', for the sins of her stepson. Allowing a grandmother to bring presents, and visit occasionally is not "throwing the child into his family"; it is simply "maintaining respectful relationships with the extended family members who are capable of them."
If this woman has done nothing wrong herself, how can it harm the child to have her love and support even in small ways?
Also, the grandparents have been granted visitation rights in many countries and states now. Many judges have come to believe that a child has a right to know their extended family and that grandparent's visitation is an important and beneficial thing.
Unless there is a problem with this woman herself and her behavoir, try not to label her as 'a problem' simply because of her step son. It smacks of vengeance and blaming to exclude someone because of the behavoir of someone else. Instead, welcome her support and the value the connection, however small, that it gives the child to the other side of her family. Knowing that someone loves her is always in her best interests.
EDIT in response to feedback:
How could I blame you? You never even said this situation was about you... You asked it as a hypothetical...
Since you seemed to feel there was reason to be rid of this grandmother, was it so crazy for me to say caustion you agianst treating her as a problem? Was it so crazy to for me to imagine that maybe there was a problem you just hadn't mentioned here that would warrent such a sever response?
I did nothing but assumed the best about this family, the mother and grandmother. I can't fathom your anger with me for advising you that love should always be welcomed, and that legally, grandparents have certain rights.
My heart goes out to you because I know how difficult it is to raise a child with special needs, but I think you let your own concerns and fears of being judged take over here, and over-reacted to some well meaning advice.
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The Question
i am 14 and i masterbated on a corner of a matress that somebody has had sex before, like 6 or 8 months ago! and i was wondering if the sperm that was left from long time ago could i get pregnant from that sperm that has been there for a long time? i am afraid that i might get pregnant!!!
The Answer
No, you could not become pregnant this way.
Sperm can survive, at very very most, a few hours. Once it is dry, it is dead.
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The Question
I'm 18. I'm in high school. A high school for the GIFTED, actually, and yet half the kids in my school don't know the difference between "their" and "they're", "your"/"you're", "to"/"too", etc. And, well, neither does the rest of teenage America.
What the fuck? What HAPPENED. What the hell is wrong with this country that we can't learn grammatical laws that have been introduced to is in, what, second grade? Has having cell phones permanently put kids in "typin like dis lol" mode?
The Answer
Nah. Cell phones have not permanently placed people in the 'typin like dis lol' mode. Although I can completely appreciate why from the perspective of someone in high school, it looks that way.
Working with intelligent teenagers and young twenty-something’s every day has made me completely confident they CAN stop this behaviour, just as soon as it's the expectation.
People are not completely idiotic. They know there is one way to speak to your friends, and another for your grandparents, and yet another for your boss or a customer. They choose the communication style the thinks suits the situation or they should. If they don’t, sooner or later they will either learn too, or be fired or simply passed over for people whose communication is more suitable.
Leetspeak will never be able to dominate in the world of serious adult communication. It might leak in around the ages, but it will never take over. It’s too vague, too simple to misunderstand and not communicative enough. Not to mention, inherently disrespectful.
This isn’t exactly a new phenomenon anyways. The rise of leetspeak is just a perfect example of analogue behaviour in a digital space. Every generation came up with its own ‘lingo’ that, as that generation aged, got mellowed and a bit of it absorbed into the language, but most of it dies as the intelligent members of that generation grow up and begin to need better and clearer methods of communicating more complex ideas and instructions. Sometimes people throw up their hands and say “Agh! This never happened before!” but that’s a bit narrow-minded I think. It absolutely has happened before that parents hardly understand what their teens are saying (or in this case, typing), but the parts of that communication that are frivolous or counterproductive do fade away in time, and then the next batch of young people come up with something crazy.
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The Question
How do I go about getting a sponsor for fashion design? And could someone also name a few who would sponsor me?
Thanks!
The Answer
There are basically three reasons for someone to sponsor a fashion designer, or really, any one creating an artistic product.
ONE. Sponsoring a charity is a tax deduction. So many people and organizations donate to charities they believe in to reduce the amount of tax they pay.
TWO. Sponsors give money to people or events that have an audience they want to talk too. Like a dog food company might sponsor a pet show, or even a charity ball for an animal rescue, because they want the people at the event to know about their dog food and think well of them.
THREE. They really, really love what you are doing and want to support what you are doing even though it doesn’t make them any money or earn them any good will.
Most sponsors are going to fall into ONE or TWO. When you are first starting out, it’s really only your family, and maybe some goverment programs to support young artists, who falls into number THREE. You probably aren’t a non-for-profit or charity, so you can’t go after people who want to sponsor for reason number ONE, and you don’t already have a captive audience that people want to access, so number TWO isn’t going to work well either.
Finding a big sponsor at this point in your career is not likely. Sponsorships aren’t just people who pay all your bills for you. Sponsors give you a set amount of money (rarely ALL the money you need, just a chunk of it) and in return they expect you promote their brand and let everyone know they supported you. Sponsors don’t like taking risks very much, they want people and organizations that have already proven they can access large numbers of people, they generally avoid artistic start-ups.
In order to be attractive to sponsors, you want to start building up your audience. That could be things like starting a webpage or a blog, or anything else online where you can get attention and followers. Once you have something like that, you could do something like, tell the store you buy most often from that if they give you 10% off all your purchases, you’ll put their logo on your site and let everyone know how great they are… That is a kind of sponsorship, or business relationship that you can start to build right away…. Maybe they even keep little cards with your website by their cash, or display some of your creations…
Those are the kinds of ways you can begin to build an audience and get support for other companies.
You can also go after other money… A good place to start is with the alternative fashion journals and magazines in your area. They often have contests or grants available for young designers… Basically enter every contest you can for design and construction. Also, look for organizations around you that are interested in helping young artists: Craft Councils are good; Maybe the One-of-a-Kind show in your area has a contest or a grant to help you get started.
You really have to invest in yourself big time before you are going to be able to entice other people to invest in you even a bit. So start to lay the ground work now of the sort of things that make you a successful business woman and brand. Those will be the things that make you successful right now in the short term, and attractive to a sponsor in the long term.
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The Question
Can a girl be pregnant if her boyfriend cum outside of her ass in anal sex
The Answer
A woman can become pregnant if sperm from the male makes contact with her vaginal fluids. It is just that simple.
It is possible to become pregnant if a man ejaculates that close to the vagina, and it is possible to become pregnant during anal sex if sperm leaks out and reaches the vagina. Sperm in vagina equals possible pregnancy, no matter what way it gets there.
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The Question
Ok, so me and my boyfriend had sex the other night and (this might be disgusting but it might help my situation if i describe what happened) i was on top, it was the first time we had ever had sex, and also the first time I'd had sex in 8 months. Well we were switching spots when he must have noticed the condom was gone. But i got off when i switched, and i also didn't notice any differance in texture i still felt rubber lets put it that way And now im freaking out b/c i tried getting the plan b pill but you have to have a prescription for it if your 17 or younger which is bs b/c im 17 and the pharmacy wouldnt sell it to me. and its been about 48 hrs and i kno it takes 72. So now i feel alil bit of cramping and i have to pee alot. What does that mean? Can I get pregnant? I'm not sure what to do.
The Answer
If you are pregnant, it's damn near impossible that you'd be experiencing any pregnancy symptoms yet. You are probably just nervous and hyper aware.
You didn't explain enough here for me to say much else... (Did you notice the slipped condom immediately? Did he ejactulate inside you after the condom fell off? Before? Not at all? If he never ejactualted pregnancy is still possible, but rather unlikely)... If you are not able to go to a doctor or planned parenthood to get a prescription, then all you can do it wait until your next period, and take a pregnancy test if you are late. Pregnancy tests are not accurate until 3 to 7 days afer a missed period.
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The Question
my boyfriend of about a year keeps indirectly pressuring me to have sex with him and it bothers me. and i feel kinda guilty cause hes on the football team and he gets pressured from people and i know that. but i wouldnt do it because of that, but im just really feeling pressured now, even though i never thought i would. but im not ready yet, cause im only a junior in high school, and ive told him that im not ready yet. what should i do?
The Answer
Tell him to stop it, and tell him firmly.
Sure, he's being pressured. Everyone feels pressure from thier peers. He shouldn't be passing that on to you or using that as an excuse to justify his hintng or badgering you about sex.
Explain to him simply and clearly that you are not ready to have sex with anyone. You know you aren't and his hints are obvious and not appreciated. If he plays dumb about what sort of 'indirect' things he doing, be ready to spell them out for him exactly. It is possible that he hasn't grasped where your bounderies are, or that he doesn't realize the effect of careless words.
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The Question
Hi, im 14/f and my boyfriends 15. I'm an August baby, and all of my friends are september - even though we're in the same year at school, their almost a year older than me. In septmeber, when they turn 16, they'll be starting to have sex with their boyfriends. Even though i've been with my boyfriend for just as long as them (coming up 9 months)i wont be having sex until august 2011 - im not sure it's worth waiting that long.
We both love each other, and i'm not on about having sex now, maybe may next year? but i wanna know why its such a big deal to be over 16?!? should i wait - obviously i only would have sex if im ready. can i get some opinions?
Bearing in mind he'll be 17 next year. Thanks x
The Answer
The Age if Consent varys from state to state and country to country. In most places, it's sixteen. It’s doesn’t mean you are magically ready at sixteen, and just means the law had to pick an age where it seems likely you are capable of choosing to have sex with someone else without being too bullied or ignorant about it.
Also, in most place, there is a 'close in age exemption' that makes it legal for peers to have consensual sex. Genearlly, that means you can have sex with someone within two years of your age without it being statutory rape, even if you are under the age of consent. So, legally, you could have sex right now. It’s not a good idea, but your boyfriend wont go to jail if the AoC is sixteen.
Frankly, I wish I’d waited until I was 18 or 19 to have sex. Being out of my parents home, and being responsible for more of my own choices in life made sex way more enjoyable and made it me smarter about it. I didn’t wait that long, but when people ask me my opinion on whens a good age, my advice is pretty much always: Wait ‘till college. It’s more fun then, and you’re probably ready for it and you are in an enviroment where people are frank and can give you good information about sex.
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The Question
Hey guys. So the other night I was with my boyfriend and he asked for a blowjob. When he took off his pants, I noticed he wasn't hard (which was weird because we'd been hooking up for a while, and he had been feeling me up and stuff). But I didn't think it was that big of a deal. Then I started giving him a blowjob and he wouldn't get hard. I tried everything and when he did get hard, it wouldn't be completely hard and it would only last like.. maybe 30 seconds to a minute. I was doing this for about 25 minutes total. At first he said "sorry, I've masturbated like 3 times today". But later, when I asked him if there was anything I could have done better, he was like "I prefer when you're more naked". Regardless of how clothed I was, I was giving him a blowjob.. he should have been able to sustain an erection, right? I've never had this problem before, and I'm wondering if it's an underlying problem? Thanks so much
The Answer
If he had actually masturbated three times already that day, then no, it's not surprising at all that he wouldn’t stay erect. It would have nothing to do with you; his body would just not have another erection in it for a while. Even a teenage boy at his peak would be unlikely to have a fourth or fifth orgasm in a day.
What IS surprising is:
ONE. He masturbated THREE times already that day. Is he employed? Does he go to school? Doesn't he have other things to do? I'm sorry, I'm not a guy, but I do try to be honest and listen honestly to the men I've dated, and three times is a lot even for a really boring, rainy, Sunday. Three times and I start to worry that a guy is missing out on other important things in life because he's sitting at home and wanking... Three times could be indicative of a problem.
TWO. He didn’t explain this to your upfront?! Like, immediately. He just let you desperately work away for a while before bothering to mention it? He didn’t try to prevent you from being embarrassed and confused and even feeling like a failure? That wasn’t kind or respectful of him to do. It was actually a bit mean not be honest about what was going on up front, and to let you suffer through your confusion and discomfort by yourself for a half hour. That was an asshole thing to do, and THEN he told you he’d like it more if you were naked. What a fucking little dweeb.
THREE. Call me crazy, but I do actually expect my partner to not sexually exhaust themselves before they hang out with me. That’s just part of being in a sexual relationship with someone else, and respecting their desires and needs a bit. If we are going to have sex that night, I think it’s fair to expect my partner not to make it really hard work for us both by masturbating repeatedly early that day. Obviously, sometimes you don’t know or plans have to change, but if my boyfriend said ‘Can I have a blowjob. Oh by the way I’ve masturbated three times already today so I probably won’t even stay erect” I would probably say “No. Where is the fun in that for me if you’ve worn yourself out completely and make it damn difficult for me when we are together?!”
The underlying problem here is you are a dating jerk who might have a messed up masturbation habit. Get a bit angry with him and let him know that if he wants sexual favors from you, he ought to have the respect to save a bit of himself for you. To do otherwise and confusing, embarrassing and disheartening. He isn’t going to get many blow jobs if he takes a woman for granted like that.
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The Question
I know this is really weird, but what are the names for the different types of rape.
Like if one person is above and one is under age then its statutory.
what are some more?
I also need the name for child on child rape.
This is for a project
THanks!
The Answer
It depends completely on your state and your country.
There are several different things that we sometimes lump together as ‘rape’ when we are speaking generally. Of course, the same basic things are always illegal, but they are given different names in different places. For example, there is no such thing as statutory rape in my country. It’s still illegal of course, but it’s just called rape, rape of a minor or sexual interference.
Sexual activity among your peers is not statutory rape if it’s consensual. Most countries and states have laws that say if two people are both willing and are very close in age, even if one is technically above the age of consent and one is below, it’s not a crime. Most law makers realize it causes more harm than good to go after 14 year olds have sex with 16 year olds and treating the 16 year old the same way as they would a 40 year old. These laws to protect people who are close in age are called ‘close-in-age exemptions or ‘peer exemptions’.
There are also cases where if you are in a ‘position of authority’ like a doctor, or a teacher, it becomes illegal for you to have sex with anyone under 18 who you have authority over. That is also a common sort of law for states and countries to have.
Almost always though, if someone under the age of consent rapes someone else, and has sex with them against their will, then it’s just rape, not statutory rape. The ages are irrelevant to the name of the crime; they just mean that the rapist might be charged differently than an adult.
There are also many other crimes. Remember that rape, legally means penetration in some way, but there are also other very wrong things can be done to young people, without penetration. Those crimes are called things like sexual assault, sexual interference or sexual exploitation, aggravated sexual assault and so on.
You might want to do a lot more research about the laws in your specific area before you try to put together your essay on this topic.
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The Question
I was just wondering, in your eyes, what does "the one" mean to you? They say "you don't stop loving someone, you just learn to live with out them" - Would you follow this, would you say it was truth? If you do in fact believe in soul mates, would you say that two people, though not together, can still "feel" each other? I'm also wondering if there's any scientific proof that two souls could be magnetically attracted to one another, or is that just a myth? It's curiosity that's got me asking, so anything you want to say about this is of complete interest to me. Thank you for your time!
The Answer
I think 'The One' is a choice. It's a choice you make when you met them, when you devote yourself to them, and it's a choice you keep making every day you stay loyal and true to them. A person is ‘The One’ until they aren’t The One anymore, and that is okay.
It's natural to want to believe in some sort of great magic, something supernatural thing beyond ourselves, but frankly, I think there is an amazing beauty in the choice to love someone, to choice to spend a lifetime with someone, that we should try to dismiss by calling it some sort of magic. That lessens how amazing it is when two human beings can manage it. That doesn’t make it ‘a myth’ but it makes it’s a real, amazing and natural, triumph of human will, and a beautiful expression of the value of one human being to another.
There is no evidence that two souls can be magnetically linked, because there is no evidence of the existence of a soul. Science has never found it, and anyone who tries to tell you it has is being silly. It's something you have to take on faith and believe or not believe. But a true, consistent love is still just as amazing and phenomenal for two people to share if we are soulless animals, in some ways, if all we are is animals, the choice to love, and to keep on loving in the face of all of life’s confusions and struggles, is even more precious and marvellous.
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The Question
I have rewritten this over and over again, re-read and re-read trying to add in every bit of detail to make the story clear and try to answer any questions about whats going on. I know it's long, but please bear with me as I feel its important in knowing exactly how everything plays in.
Pretense:
I guess you can say my story begins as a typical relationship, but things really turn strange. It started two years ago, the summer before my senior year of high school. I met the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. She had a boyfriend that shes been dating for two years so I figured I didn't have a chance in hell. She even thought I was annoying, but I persisted in trying to get close to her. One day she broke up with her boyfriend, and there I was. Really out of nowhere we started to date, and I was in love. Things moved pretty fast, constant texting, hanging around each other all the time and calling each other every night. After about a month or so though, she ended it with me and she got back together with her ex. I felt sick to my stomach.
Lucky for me her bf is crazy possessive, and eventually pushed her away again. I love her so much I took her back. For about a year we grew together and became best friends. However as our love grew, so did my jealousy and insecurity, and my fear of losing her. We were dating, everyone knew it, we did everything too had the most amazing sex, but we never had a title. And that was one thing I always fought about, her argument was we were already together so what was the point, just a name? I loved her too much to continue to argue, so I was okay with it. During our relationship she was still talking to her ex, never hooked up with him or anything, but always remained in contact. One day she left her phone unattended, and I saw his number and saved it to my phone. I didn't know exactly what I was thinking or what I would do with this number, but it would later prove to be my waterloo in the fight for her heart.
College: Early September, everything goes wrong. We both got accepted to ucf. Over the summer before we moved up she said she wants more space, and wanted to be alone during college. I was worried at first because I wouldn't be living on campus, but she would. And so would her ex, right near her. She was still close to me though and was always around, so my fears slowly slipped away. But then we moved in. I got a run down apartment off campus, it smelled like mold and had roaches galore. I was broke, home sick, and miserable. I grew desperate, and wanted to cling more to the only person I knew up in college with me. She however, was hanging out with her good friend/roomate at the time, and some big black kid that lived on her floor. He had helped her moved in and they were hanging out a lot. I wanted to hang out with her but she insisted she needed her space. Days went by and I didn't see her. My classes were all online, and I was in my room by myself all day. My thoughts and dreams haunted me. I had to call her. I kept calling her, and each time she never answered. She was out hanging out with her new friends, while I was home alone missing her, driving myself crazy. I dunno why I did, but I took her exes number and called him. I asked him for advice? I dunno why, it was the stupidest thing I've ever done. It only made me seem more crazy, and shocked her how I got his number. I told her, and she just couldnt trust me anymore. So here's where the strange part comes in. Long story short, her mom eventually called me and asked that I stop bothering her. At that point I realized how alone I really was when the girl I cared for most asked her mom to tell me to leave her alone. I told my buddy who went to a different school about what was going on, and like a "great" friend decided to play a joke on me. He had our other friend text me and say to leave her alone, shes texting me saying your harrassing her. I freaked. Of course this was untrue, but I panicked nonetheless. So I called her mom back and promised her I would leave her daughter alone if she could please tell her daughter to stop telling my friends Im a stalker. I realized I had been acting really irrational, and wanted to put an end to the madness before things got out of hand. But unsuspectadley...things did go out of hand, in the worst way possible.
The police involvement: That same day after speaking with her mother, I went to a restaurant on campus with an old high school friend. I didn't hang out with them much, but I figure since Im on my own now its best I start making new relationships. Well, remember that big black kid that was helping my "ex" move in? He appears at the restaurant with his buddy, and they approach my table. I have to add that I was online earlier on instant messenger and put where I was as my away message, which ill explain why its important later. So this kid storms up to my table ready to fight and says "why the F*** are you talking shit about me to *******'s mom??" I said to him "woah, are you crazy?? I don't even know who you are I didn't say anything about you I was talking about someone else" He said "bullshit i'll kick your ass" And I said "f*** you psycho" and as i turned away to ignore him and pick up my hamburger out of nowhere he decks me in the face. I was stunned. Everyone in the restaurant was watching at this point. I got up, but my friend that I was with insisted I call the cops. The black kid teased me and said "yea call the cops bitch!" and walked out. So I did, I called the cops. They come, ask what happened, and asked why this person I did not know hit me. I told him he was friends with my ex, and that they might have known I was at the restaurant because of my away message on the instant messenger. I give the report, and I go about my way. About 30 minutes later I get a phone call from the police asking me to go to the station, the story apparently is more complicated. So I arrive and from there on I quickly turn from the victim to the criminal. The police told me they had the kid who hit me in custody, but now I was in trouble. They had with them cell phone records and all the emails I had been sending my ex, and they were now ready to press harrassment charges against me. I was so shocked. They said they went to question her about why that kid came, and apparently she turned it around on me and wanted to file a harrassment complaint. By the end of the day, I was told that if I ever make contact with her or any of her friends or family I'd be arrested. My world fell apart and my heart sank to a low I couldn't describe.
September passes...the longest month of my life. I never really dreamt before, but everynight was a nightmare. I couldn't sleep.
October comes, I had already deleted her number and everything out of fear of being arrested, but I still had her as a buddy on aol instant messenger. I think we were both afraid to talk to eachother, because she began to communicate to me...through away messages. We begin by saying how sorry we are for everything. Long story short, after weeks of this weird communication, we agree to meet. It started with lunch, and before you know it I was sleeping over her dorm and we were having sex. No one knew we were seeing each other, it had to be secret. This part of my memory is quite fuzzy, because after that we began to fight again. And literally a week later she was dating that ex of hers. I was shocked. Apparently, during that month after the incident she found comfort in being with him. And apparently he was being an ass again and she decided to see me again. Seeing me only lasted a week, and then it was back to her not making any contact with me, and she was back with her ex.
October passes...as does November, December...January..all the way through April. Each day I fill my heart with more hate, my eyes with more tears, and my mouth with more alcohol. I tried to occupy myself, and get over this bitter situation. Just drop it I kept telling myself, its over, she screwed you over so hard. So I drank, and hung out with trashy people. I could tell myself I was having fun...but every night I put my head on that pillow, and my thoughts would haunt me. Everyday I missed her, wondered about what she was doing. I still loved her. I was miserable. I hated everybody and everything. Months went by and I never heard from her. I was nearly failing school. During a lot of this time I had been going to counseling. It helped somewhat, but the answers I was getting didn't seem to help. Everyday I grew more hateful, and more miserable. To say the least, I was not myself anymore and I turned into a completely different person. Anxiety attacks were constant, and I was in a constant state of panick. I really didn't know how I could ever survive. I hadn't had a good day for as long as I could remember. It was the worst I had ever felt, and was losing the will to live.
So sometime earlier this year we make contact again. I don't really remember how, but apparently she had been dating the same kid all year and had eventually broke up with him. She still didn't want to see me, but slowly but surely we started talking. The summer went on and we were like peas and carrots again. She moved back home for the summer while I remained in school. We talked all the time, and things were going great. This fall semester started and we were with each other 24/7, sleeping over each others houses. I was the happiest I had ever been.
My current dilemma: Last week, I made a huge mistake. She wanted me to help her with something on her computer, so while she showered, I worked on her computer. I finished early, and while I was sitting there I couldn't help but notice something. I don't know how I stumbled upon this document, but it was a conversation between her and her ex. I read it, then closed it. I made no mention of it. That night I slept over her place, and then later the next day while at work she texted me asking to be honest with her and asked had I gone through her computer. I panicked. I knew what was coming. I told her no. She said thats funny, under recently viewed documents something here was opened that I know I didnt open. So I told her. And then she cut me off. She said I'd never change, it was just like how I took his number out of her phone. I was really miserable, and my anxiety was driving me crazier than ever. How could I fuck up what I tried so hard to fix?? Our relationship was already so fragile because of our past. A couple days later she starts talking to me again. We take it slow, no more sleeping over of course. We go to the gym, and she even comes over to my house for dinner. I had to go home this past weekend to get my car ( I had none for the past month ) so she drove me to the bus station. I talked to her online that night while I was home, and then said goodnight. The next day we were talking and I made mention of how tired I was. And she said what time did you go to bed last night? I said right after you did. I wasn't really thinking about exactly what happened because I was wrong. She said I was full of shit because she went on later on and saw I was online. I was still online for a bit longer but didnt really remember. To me this was no big deal, but she called me a compulsive liar. She ignores me again. The next day I'm on the phone with her and talk about plans of going to disney world, I had already gotten tickets. She said thats not a good idea. And I kinda freaked and said why not?? We had been planning this for a long time. At this point she didnt even want to speak to me and said ill talk to you later and hung up. A couple hours later I texted her...no response. I texted twice more and still no response. The next day I made no attempt to contact her. Today comes...I drive back up to school, I text her. Still no response. I texted again and said I need my parking decal because it was in her car. She finally responded and said shed leave it at the front office of my apartment building. So she did. No conversation, she doesnt want to talk.
So this is me now. I find myself in desperation, looking for any sign that things will be alright. My anxiety is keeping me up all night and all I want is for her to know how sorry I am, and how much I regret going through her computer. I don't want her to not trust me. I care so much for her. If only she could know how sorry I am and how much I want to correct the wrongs I've made. I fear I may have lost her again and it will kill me if this happens again. I can't go on another year beating up on myself, being alone, being miserable. At this moment I am the most miserable I have ever been, more so before because I was given a chance at redemption, and I ruined it. I don't know what to do. I want her in my life so badly. I ask you out of desperation for help, I never meant to hurt her. What do I do?
The Answer
You don't actually still want to be with her, do you? I mean, she seems even more fucked up and irrational then you do.
You two are toxic together. If you return to her, this same pattern will play out again. I can pretty much guarantee it. You'll get close again, she'll freak out, and create a reason to abandon or reject you. If you really like, you could probably keep reenacting this exact misery with her for the rest of your natural life.
You are depressed, obsessive and irrational. She is NOT the solution to those problems; she is the cocaine. She is part of the problem. Your relationship was never a ‘chance at redemption’ it was always ‘same old, same old’. Sure, you messed up and you should feel a bit guilty for snooping, but what you are putting yourself through is irrational and a completely over the top response.
Get some therapy. Now.
You are right that you cannot go another year of beating up on yourself, being alone, being miserable. The solution to that is not to do another line of the hard drug that is your fucked up interactions with this drama queen. The solution is rehabilitation and correcting your messed up thought processes while sober and clean.
Your university might be a good place to start looking for help or counseling. Please, turn to someone to help you solve the root of your destructive thinking and painful patterns. Don’t turn to her so that you can continue the your destructive thinking and painful patterns for the rest of your life.
You’ve got a chance here that is way bigger than a girl. It’s the chance to reclaim your life and your mind. Take it.
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The Question
22/f here. My ex, Nathan, is 24, and my current, Kyle, is 28. This is gonna be a bit long...
I was with Nathan for about 4 years on and off. He was emotionally abusive, but I was addicted to him. Being in the mental health field, I know a lot about addiction and how to overcome it. I broke up with him. We ended things on good terms, but I asked him to let me initiate contact at some point in the future. He has broken this agreement many times already with e-mails telling me how much he loves and misses me.
Now, Kyle and I dated during an off-period with Nathan, but I ended it because I wasn't ready to walk away from Nathan, and I recognized that. I am now, though, and I did...right back into Kyle's arms. Kyle is a wonderful man, and makes me very happy (and is a very good kisser ^_^). I have no intention of leaving him anytime soon.
The problem here is that as much as Kyle denies it, I know I have yet to earn his trust back because of the fiasco that happened with Nathan before. I told him I would keep him in the loop if Nathan decided to try anything, and ideally, Kyle and I would discuss the situation and tackle it as a couple/unit instead of me trying to handle it alone. (I did, however, promise that I would never put them together in any physical way...)
My questions are:
1. Should I tell Kyle about Nathan's recent e-mails?
It risks bringing up a very negative past, and I don't want the focus of our relationship to be how to get Nathan out of it.
2. Should I respond to an e-mail and ask him to leave me alone?
I'm hesitant about this because I know how he works - any attention is better than no attention - but I also know that he doesn't give up easily. The only reason I'm consiering it is that I understand that, legally, if you tell someone to leave you alone and they don't, you can file harrassment charges. I'm not angry at Nathan, or anything, I just don't want him to make my life hell anymore...that's why I broke up with him. I am, however, prepared to take legal action if necessary to get him away from me. He hurt me many times in many ways that could've been seriously psychologially damaging.
Anyway. I apologize for the length of this question, and I'm aware that none of you are lawyers. I'm just looking for some unprofessional, uninvolved feedback on this situation.
The Answer
1.) Yes, I think you should tell Kyle, because to do less, would be dishonest. You said you would keep him in the loop, and he has good reason to want to be kept informed. So let him know about the e-mails and, at the same time, tell him what your plan is and ask for his opinion and support.
2.) I think you could not respond if you'd like, but if you do respond, do it only once, and that one single response should pack a very short punch of all the information you need to convey. It shouldn't be more than three sentences really. I'd suggest something like this:
"Nathan, this will be my very last response to any of your messages. Please stop contacting me completely. I will not be responding to any future contact, and I am willing to get the authorities involved if unwanted communication continues."
Don't be more specific than that about 'the authorities', because you don't want to threaten him, or be seen as promising to do something you can't follow through on. You want to keep it very general and only let him know 'dude, keep this up and I'll do what I have too'.
He'll probably respond, but you never need to reply again. All you do is save this message, and save any response he has to it. If his responses get threatening, call your local police and speak to them about it. If he shows up at your home, or work, or someplace he knows you'll be, don't even hesitate. The moment he speaks to you, call for help, either from people nearby with authority, or the police.
Normally, harassment isn't so simple as 'He is speaking to me when I don't want him to be', his contact has to be threatening, persistant and deliberate. However, the moment something concerns you, call the police on a non-emergency line and get the ball rolling on whatever advice they can give you.
Blocking Nathan completely, and not telling Kyle about this... well, I just can't agree with that advice. Blocking someone who you believe might be threatening isn't always a good idea, because you loose the paper trail you might need if you have to go the police. If you think you really might have to get the law involved, keeping the messages is part of staying safe. The whole 'not reading them' approach is great if a guy is just an asshole, but if he's a dangerous asshole, you have to take extra percaustions.
And you really do have to tell Kyle. You spoke of wanting to face problems as a couple, and I think this is part of it. Relationships can't happen in a vaccum, and pretending the past isn't there (when Kyle knows damn well it could rear it's ugly head at any moment) will leave him anxious and concerned about what you aren't telling him. If you let him know about this while showing him that you are honest and strong in your stance agianst Nathan, it could really help Kyle to understand and trust your judgement. Keeping secrets is never a good begining for a relationship.
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The Question
I have a crush. I'm totally obsessed with him. But its no use, he doesn't really like me. But even though he doesn't, I still love him madly! There is this another guy....who is in deep love with me. He's in tenth grade. I'm in 8th grade. Hes in a different city. We might not get to see each other very often. Maybe we will never get to see each other. He wants me to be his Girlfriend. I don't know how to reply him. When i say I like him as a friend...he goes all emo. But I don't really like him as a boyfriend. I already have a crush on someone in our school. I love him a lot. This person who loves me...what can I say to him? What should I do? Please don't say "its your choice." :) thank you! I'm a fourteen year old girl and I need help!
The Answer
It is your choice, but you've already made it: You don't like him and you've been totally clear and honest with him about that, right?
You need to make sure you've given him a totally clear and honest 'NO.' It's the truth, and it's the right thing to do.
So, son't be gentle anymore with him. You can't help it if he gets upset, all you can do it be respectful and honest.
Like this:
I don't want to be your girlfriend. I just don't like you in that way. I'm sorry if that upsets you but that is my final answer and you need to stop talking to me about this now. I am only going to be your friend.
It's not mean to tell the truth to someone about your feelings. Letting them believe something other than the truth is mean. It's okay if he is upset, and you are going to have be strong and let him be upset without giving in. But once you've been honest and clear he wont be confused or pressuring you anymore. If he is mean or a bully to you after you tell him the truth that clearly, then he isn't a very good friend, and you can just stop talking to him.
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The Question
My boyfriend and I REALLY want to have sex in the shower for our first time. He said his friend told him that if we use some sort of soap (like bar soap or even SHAMPOO) that we won't have to worry about me getting pregnant. That way we won't have to buy condoms or anything too. Sounds great, yeah? :D
My parents are going to be away this saturday for a little while and I thought about asking my boyfriend to come over and we could do it in the shower. ;) I'm kind of nervous about the soap thing though because I don't want to end up being a pregnant teen.
:) Is it true that you can't get pregnant if you use soap as lubrication during sex in the shower?
And, if so, what is the best soap/shampoo to use for lube in the shower? ;) ;) THANKS
The Answer
Don't use soap or shampoo as lube.
It will not protect against pregnancy!
That is one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard on this site. The friend who told him that should be slapped and placed into a chastity belt until they get a half a clue for their own protection. Soap is not a contraceptive. That is unprotected sex, plain and simple.
I'm sorry hun, but if you aren't ready to buy condoms, you aren't ready to have sex. You might be ready is EVERY other way, but if you are missing that one, you aren't quite there yet.
Even if you DID have condoms, you still should not use soaps as lubricants. Not only do they damage the condom and make it more likely to break, but you (the female) are practically begging for irritation and infection by shoving things inside of yourself that don't belong there. Would you fill your ear or nose up with liquid soap? Probably not, that would be uncomfortable and pointless. Same goes for your vagina.
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