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Found a great guy, but I'm concerned my ex will interfere.
22/f here. My ex, Nathan, is 24, and my current, Kyle, is 28. This is gonna be a bit long...
I was with Nathan for about 4 years on and off. He was emotionally abusive, but I was addicted to him. Being in the mental health field, I know a lot about addiction and how to overcome it. I broke up with him. We ended things on good terms, but I asked him to let me initiate contact at some point in the future. He has broken this agreement many times already with e-mails telling me how much he loves and misses me.
Now, Kyle and I dated during an off-period with Nathan, but I ended it because I wasn't ready to walk away from Nathan, and I recognized that. I am now, though, and I did...right back into Kyle's arms. Kyle is a wonderful man, and makes me very happy (and is a very good kisser ^_^). I have no intention of leaving him anytime soon.
The problem here is that as much as Kyle denies it, I know I have yet to earn his trust back because of the fiasco that happened with Nathan before. I told him I would keep him in the loop if Nathan decided to try anything, and ideally, Kyle and I would discuss the situation and tackle it as a couple/unit instead of me trying to handle it alone. (I did, however, promise that I would never put them together in any physical way...)
My questions are:
1. Should I tell Kyle about Nathan's recent e-mails?
It risks bringing up a very negative past, and I don't want the focus of our relationship to be how to get Nathan out of it.
2. Should I respond to an e-mail and ask him to leave me alone?
I'm hesitant about this because I know how he works - any attention is better than no attention - but I also know that he doesn't give up easily. The only reason I'm consiering it is that I understand that, legally, if you tell someone to leave you alone and they don't, you can file harrassment charges. I'm not angry at Nathan, or anything, I just don't want him to make my life hell anymore...that's why I broke up with him. I am, however, prepared to take legal action if necessary to get him away from me. He hurt me many times in many ways that could've been seriously psychologially damaging.
Anyway. I apologize for the length of this question, and I'm aware that none of you are lawyers. I'm just looking for some unprofessional, uninvolved feedback on this situation.
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I would tell kyle about everything that has been going on with nathan. He would probabaly want to know. As of nathan, i wouldnt respond to any of the emails because by doing that the attachment he has towards you eventually starts to fade and he wont be doing that anymore. Hope i helped!
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To whom this may concern to. It sounds like you are stuck between two hard spots.You are a young person to be getting into a serious relationship.
I would not get in a hurry about having a full time boyfriend, and i would not go back to the guy that was very abusive to you either. That is not a good relationship. I would stay away from him and no don't answer his emails or how ever he trys to get in touch with you. And if you want to be a truthful person to this other guy then i would tell him. But only if you think that you know and trust him. To tell him these things. I would ask him where is this relationship going to before you open up and start telling him personal things in your life. Good luck.
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1.) Yes, I think you should tell Kyle, because to do less, would be dishonest. You said you would keep him in the loop, and he has good reason to want to be kept informed. So let him know about the e-mails and, at the same time, tell him what your plan is and ask for his opinion and support.
2.) I think you could not respond if you'd like, but if you do respond, do it only once, and that one single response should pack a very short punch of all the information you need to convey. It shouldn't be more than three sentences really. I'd suggest something like this:
"Nathan, this will be my very last response to any of your messages. Please stop contacting me completely. I will not be responding to any future contact, and I am willing to get the authorities involved if unwanted communication continues."
Don't be more specific than that about 'the authorities', because you don't want to threaten him, or be seen as promising to do something you can't follow through on. You want to keep it very general and only let him know 'dude, keep this up and I'll do what I have too'.
He'll probably respond, but you never need to reply again. All you do is save this message, and save any response he has to it. If his responses get threatening, call your local police and speak to them about it. If he shows up at your home, or work, or someplace he knows you'll be, don't even hesitate. The moment he speaks to you, call for help, either from people nearby with authority, or the police.
Normally, harassment isn't so simple as 'He is speaking to me when I don't want him to be', his contact has to be threatening, persistant and deliberate. However, the moment something concerns you, call the police on a non-emergency line and get the ball rolling on whatever advice they can give you.
Blocking Nathan completely, and not telling Kyle about this... well, I just can't agree with that advice. Blocking someone who you believe might be threatening isn't always a good idea, because you loose the paper trail you might need if you have to go the police. If you think you really might have to get the law involved, keeping the messages is part of staying safe. The whole 'not reading them' approach is great if a guy is just an asshole, but if he's a dangerous asshole, you have to take extra percaustions.
And you really do have to tell Kyle. You spoke of wanting to face problems as a couple, and I think this is part of it. Relationships can't happen in a vaccum, and pretending the past isn't there (when Kyle knows damn well it could rear it's ugly head at any moment) will leave him anxious and concerned about what you aren't telling him. If you let him know about this while showing him that you are honest and strong in your stance agianst Nathan, it could really help Kyle to understand and trust your judgement. Keeping secrets is never a good begining for a relationship.
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If you want to have a healthy relationship with Kyle and not have to deal with drama then DON'T respond to Nathan, Ignore his calls, text, emails, etc. The more you read his emails the more you are going to think about him and the harder it will make having a healthy relationship possible. No, I don't think you should tell Kyle that Nathan emailed you if anything it might cause an argument between the two of you and only make it harder for him to trust you. The next time it happens IGNORE the emails just simply delete them. In time Nathan will realize that you are serious and that you have moved on. If he continues to stalk you, Harass you then this is were you would file for a restraining order. If Kyle treats you right the way you should be treated then that is all that you should be focused on and putting your attention towards.
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Congratulations on dropping Nathan and getting back with someone as nice as Kyle sounds. Alright...here is my best advice:
*Ignore all the emails from Nathan....just delete them without reading them. Better yet, go into your preferences and BLOCK THEM.
*If Nathan tries to call you, BLOCK HIS CALLS.
You will be giving him NO attention and eventually he will give up, hopefully.
You promised to involve Kyle if "Nathan tries something." I wouldn't say that includes your blocking his emails and/or calls. I would think that would mean if he harrasses you or stalks you in some way. Why bring up the emails to Kyle...you shouldn't even be reading them. And if you BLOCK them, you won't. However, if Nathan goes further with bothering you than emails or calls that you block, then of course, involve Kyle.
You are right in that you need to focus on your and Kyle's relationship. Just block Nathan out of your life and your mind (and your emails and calls) and I think he will eventually give up.
Good luck!
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