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Rebuilding trust
I have rewritten this over and over again, re-read and re-read trying to add in every bit of detail to make the story clear and try to answer any questions about whats going on. I know it's long, but please bear with me as I feel its important in knowing exactly how everything plays in.
Pretense:
I guess you can say my story begins as a typical relationship, but things really turn strange. It started two years ago, the summer before my senior year of high school. I met the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. She had a boyfriend that shes been dating for two years so I figured I didn't have a chance in hell. She even thought I was annoying, but I persisted in trying to get close to her. One day she broke up with her boyfriend, and there I was. Really out of nowhere we started to date, and I was in love. Things moved pretty fast, constant texting, hanging around each other all the time and calling each other every night. After about a month or so though, she ended it with me and she got back together with her ex. I felt sick to my stomach.
Lucky for me her bf is crazy possessive, and eventually pushed her away again. I love her so much I took her back. For about a year we grew together and became best friends. However as our love grew, so did my jealousy and insecurity, and my fear of losing her. We were dating, everyone knew it, we did everything too had the most amazing sex, but we never had a title. And that was one thing I always fought about, her argument was we were already together so what was the point, just a name? I loved her too much to continue to argue, so I was okay with it. During our relationship she was still talking to her ex, never hooked up with him or anything, but always remained in contact. One day she left her phone unattended, and I saw his number and saved it to my phone. I didn't know exactly what I was thinking or what I would do with this number, but it would later prove to be my waterloo in the fight for her heart.
College: Early September, everything goes wrong. We both got accepted to ucf. Over the summer before we moved up she said she wants more space, and wanted to be alone during college. I was worried at first because I wouldn't be living on campus, but she would. And so would her ex, right near her. She was still close to me though and was always around, so my fears slowly slipped away. But then we moved in. I got a run down apartment off campus, it smelled like mold and had roaches galore. I was broke, home sick, and miserable. I grew desperate, and wanted to cling more to the only person I knew up in college with me. She however, was hanging out with her good friend/roomate at the time, and some big black kid that lived on her floor. He had helped her moved in and they were hanging out a lot. I wanted to hang out with her but she insisted she needed her space. Days went by and I didn't see her. My classes were all online, and I was in my room by myself all day. My thoughts and dreams haunted me. I had to call her. I kept calling her, and each time she never answered. She was out hanging out with her new friends, while I was home alone missing her, driving myself crazy. I dunno why I did, but I took her exes number and called him. I asked him for advice? I dunno why, it was the stupidest thing I've ever done. It only made me seem more crazy, and shocked her how I got his number. I told her, and she just couldnt trust me anymore. So here's where the strange part comes in. Long story short, her mom eventually called me and asked that I stop bothering her. At that point I realized how alone I really was when the girl I cared for most asked her mom to tell me to leave her alone. I told my buddy who went to a different school about what was going on, and like a "great" friend decided to play a joke on me. He had our other friend text me and say to leave her alone, shes texting me saying your harrassing her. I freaked. Of course this was untrue, but I panicked nonetheless. So I called her mom back and promised her I would leave her daughter alone if she could please tell her daughter to stop telling my friends Im a stalker. I realized I had been acting really irrational, and wanted to put an end to the madness before things got out of hand. But unsuspectadley...things did go out of hand, in the worst way possible.
The police involvement: That same day after speaking with her mother, I went to a restaurant on campus with an old high school friend. I didn't hang out with them much, but I figure since Im on my own now its best I start making new relationships. Well, remember that big black kid that was helping my "ex" move in? He appears at the restaurant with his buddy, and they approach my table. I have to add that I was online earlier on instant messenger and put where I was as my away message, which ill explain why its important later. So this kid storms up to my table ready to fight and says "why the F*** are you talking shit about me to *******'s mom??" I said to him "woah, are you crazy?? I don't even know who you are I didn't say anything about you I was talking about someone else" He said "bullshit i'll kick your ass" And I said "f*** you psycho" and as i turned away to ignore him and pick up my hamburger out of nowhere he decks me in the face. I was stunned. Everyone in the restaurant was watching at this point. I got up, but my friend that I was with insisted I call the cops. The black kid teased me and said "yea call the cops bitch!" and walked out. So I did, I called the cops. They come, ask what happened, and asked why this person I did not know hit me. I told him he was friends with my ex, and that they might have known I was at the restaurant because of my away message on the instant messenger. I give the report, and I go about my way. About 30 minutes later I get a phone call from the police asking me to go to the station, the story apparently is more complicated. So I arrive and from there on I quickly turn from the victim to the criminal. The police told me they had the kid who hit me in custody, but now I was in trouble. They had with them cell phone records and all the emails I had been sending my ex, and they were now ready to press harrassment charges against me. I was so shocked. They said they went to question her about why that kid came, and apparently she turned it around on me and wanted to file a harrassment complaint. By the end of the day, I was told that if I ever make contact with her or any of her friends or family I'd be arrested. My world fell apart and my heart sank to a low I couldn't describe.
September passes...the longest month of my life. I never really dreamt before, but everynight was a nightmare. I couldn't sleep.
October comes, I had already deleted her number and everything out of fear of being arrested, but I still had her as a buddy on aol instant messenger. I think we were both afraid to talk to eachother, because she began to communicate to me...through away messages. We begin by saying how sorry we are for everything. Long story short, after weeks of this weird communication, we agree to meet. It started with lunch, and before you know it I was sleeping over her dorm and we were having sex. No one knew we were seeing each other, it had to be secret. This part of my memory is quite fuzzy, because after that we began to fight again. And literally a week later she was dating that ex of hers. I was shocked. Apparently, during that month after the incident she found comfort in being with him. And apparently he was being an ass again and she decided to see me again. Seeing me only lasted a week, and then it was back to her not making any contact with me, and she was back with her ex.
October passes...as does November, December...January..all the way through April. Each day I fill my heart with more hate, my eyes with more tears, and my mouth with more alcohol. I tried to occupy myself, and get over this bitter situation. Just drop it I kept telling myself, its over, she screwed you over so hard. So I drank, and hung out with trashy people. I could tell myself I was having fun...but every night I put my head on that pillow, and my thoughts would haunt me. Everyday I missed her, wondered about what she was doing. I still loved her. I was miserable. I hated everybody and everything. Months went by and I never heard from her. I was nearly failing school. During a lot of this time I had been going to counseling. It helped somewhat, but the answers I was getting didn't seem to help. Everyday I grew more hateful, and more miserable. To say the least, I was not myself anymore and I turned into a completely different person. Anxiety attacks were constant, and I was in a constant state of panick. I really didn't know how I could ever survive. I hadn't had a good day for as long as I could remember. It was the worst I had ever felt, and was losing the will to live.
So sometime earlier this year we make contact again. I don't really remember how, but apparently she had been dating the same kid all year and had eventually broke up with him. She still didn't want to see me, but slowly but surely we started talking. The summer went on and we were like peas and carrots again. She moved back home for the summer while I remained in school. We talked all the time, and things were going great. This fall semester started and we were with each other 24/7, sleeping over each others houses. I was the happiest I had ever been.
My current dilemma: Last week, I made a huge mistake. She wanted me to help her with something on her computer, so while she showered, I worked on her computer. I finished early, and while I was sitting there I couldn't help but notice something. I don't know how I stumbled upon this document, but it was a conversation between her and her ex. I read it, then closed it. I made no mention of it. That night I slept over her place, and then later the next day while at work she texted me asking to be honest with her and asked had I gone through her computer. I panicked. I knew what was coming. I told her no. She said thats funny, under recently viewed documents something here was opened that I know I didnt open. So I told her. And then she cut me off. She said I'd never change, it was just like how I took his number out of her phone. I was really miserable, and my anxiety was driving me crazier than ever. How could I fuck up what I tried so hard to fix?? Our relationship was already so fragile because of our past. A couple days later she starts talking to me again. We take it slow, no more sleeping over of course. We go to the gym, and she even comes over to my house for dinner. I had to go home this past weekend to get my car ( I had none for the past month ) so she drove me to the bus station. I talked to her online that night while I was home, and then said goodnight. The next day we were talking and I made mention of how tired I was. And she said what time did you go to bed last night? I said right after you did. I wasn't really thinking about exactly what happened because I was wrong. She said I was full of shit because she went on later on and saw I was online. I was still online for a bit longer but didnt really remember. To me this was no big deal, but she called me a compulsive liar. She ignores me again. The next day I'm on the phone with her and talk about plans of going to disney world, I had already gotten tickets. She said thats not a good idea. And I kinda freaked and said why not?? We had been planning this for a long time. At this point she didnt even want to speak to me and said ill talk to you later and hung up. A couple hours later I texted her...no response. I texted twice more and still no response. The next day I made no attempt to contact her. Today comes...I drive back up to school, I text her. Still no response. I texted again and said I need my parking decal because it was in her car. She finally responded and said shed leave it at the front office of my apartment building. So she did. No conversation, she doesnt want to talk.
So this is me now. I find myself in desperation, looking for any sign that things will be alright. My anxiety is keeping me up all night and all I want is for her to know how sorry I am, and how much I regret going through her computer. I don't want her to not trust me. I care so much for her. If only she could know how sorry I am and how much I want to correct the wrongs I've made. I fear I may have lost her again and it will kill me if this happens again. I can't go on another year beating up on myself, being alone, being miserable. At this moment I am the most miserable I have ever been, more so before because I was given a chance at redemption, and I ruined it. I don't know what to do. I want her in my life so badly. I ask you out of desperation for help, I never meant to hurt her. What do I do?
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well its always easier said then done. but im saying that looking at the situation she is just flinging you around as she pleases and in truth she cant be trusted if shes with you why is she still talking to her ex? on the other hand looking through poeoples stuff is wrong. you either have to wait for her to talk to you or move on this situation is screwed up so much who knows if itll be ok. youll always fight over the same thing everytime and obviously you guys have. it would be healthy to end it and maybe move. now if someone were to tell me this id tell them they have no idea what they are talking about take your time and let her talk to you first.
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oh my god! what are you thinking! i know it hurts you to hear this but she is fucked up and she cannot change. she needs to know the feeling of rejection. if you get back with her you are letting her fuck with your life. dont listen to the f*ck wits that tell you 'oh you should say sorry, tell her how much you love her bla bla bla' she obviously has a problem. how do i know this? because my sister is the exact same. these sorts of poeople are clever at screwing with peoples lives. reading the ex's message is normal. it was wrong but im sure any other person in your situation would do the same thing and if it wasnt important to her she wouldnt have minded or behaved the way she has. she is crazy and you need help getting over her.
you do not need her. she has no feelings for you, if she did she wouldnt do this to you. dont try and get back with her please. try to get over her. nothing you do will help her become normal. if you dont think you can do this, then i suggest talking to a doctor about her. explain this whole thing to them and maybe they can help you in figuring out what is wrong with her and how to avoid her crazy side. but please do not try to get with her. find someone new. get your life back and be happy.
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You don't actually still want to be with her, do you? I mean, she seems even more fucked up and irrational then you do.
You two are toxic together. If you return to her, this same pattern will play out again. I can pretty much guarantee it. You'll get close again, she'll freak out, and create a reason to abandon or reject you. If you really like, you could probably keep reenacting this exact misery with her for the rest of your natural life.
You are depressed, obsessive and irrational. She is NOT the solution to those problems; she is the cocaine. She is part of the problem. Your relationship was never a ‘chance at redemption’ it was always ‘same old, same old’. Sure, you messed up and you should feel a bit guilty for snooping, but what you are putting yourself through is irrational and a completely over the top response.
Get some therapy. Now.
You are right that you cannot go another year of beating up on yourself, being alone, being miserable. The solution to that is not to do another line of the hard drug that is your fucked up interactions with this drama queen. The solution is rehabilitation and correcting your messed up thought processes while sober and clean.
Your university might be a good place to start looking for help or counseling. Please, turn to someone to help you solve the root of your destructive thinking and painful patterns. Don’t turn to her so that you can continue the your destructive thinking and painful patterns for the rest of your life.
You’ve got a chance here that is way bigger than a girl. It’s the chance to reclaim your life and your mind. Take it.
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I feel so sorry for you. You think you are in love with this girl and are clearly blind to the horrific ways she has been treating you for years. You're desperate for her to trust and love you when in all honesty, she sounds like a complete bitch - running back to her ex, getting you involved with the police, deciding when she feels like talking to you and when she feels like using you.. please, PLEASE put an end to this. She has you wrapped around her little finger and it is so, so upsetting to read a question like this, because you are totally oblivious to it. It's like an abusive relationship..emotionally, mentally..
I've had a few similar experiences myself where this so called "love" has obscured my vision of what is REALLY happening - I just blocked it out and pretended things would be okay.. well they won't be okay and by the sounds of this girl, they NEVER will be. She is a user, someone who should be ashamed to call herself a female.
So what, a document on her computer caught your attention and she freaked about it? Does she forget all the things she's put you through in the past?
You are only miserable and alone because YOU chose to be.. If I were you, right now, I would delete EVERY SINGLE contact you have (mobile number, email, etc) and get on the road to recovery.
You're not a compulsive liar, you're hopelessly in love with a girl who doesn't deserve it.
I know you don't want to hear any of this advice and are probably wishing for ways to win her back, but I'm not going to give any ways.
Seriously, go hang with friends, get a hobby, do anything to take your mind off her. Even speaking to a professional will help you.
She's definitely done a good job on you with constantly making you feel like crap - so now show her you are your own person - you have your own decisions - you have your own life to live and she will NOT be in it to mess it up whenever she feels like it.
Seek help if needed. Move on, you owe it to yourself to find a DECENT person.
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Woah. I never read long posts, but I read this one. Just to let you know-most of this info was unnessesary.:)
ANYWAY,
I think that you should cool it. Cool it for a week. THEN, write her a letter/e-mail/message and say that your sorry for looking at her computer. Just say you are insecure and you feel jelous/threatened by her ex. (Its true, just say it) Explain how important she is to you. I think you should say that she asked for the truth and you gave it to her. Sorry it wasn't what she wanted to hear. Mainly, you need to show her how important she is to you. At the end of the message just say something about inviting her for a dinner at you place. Tell her if she comes it means she forgives you and that you guys can start over. I MEAN COMPLETLY OVER. Like Hi my name is, ****.
You are very posessive of this girl. I feel like she knows you will always be there so why should she commit to you? There are tons of guys out there why not have them AND you.
She may not even be the right person for you. She makes you feel like crap. What you do is not that bad. Like she shouldn't be blowing up at you for no reason. It makes me feel like she is trying to find a way out.
Finally, STOP LYING. Even if it is the sky is green. A small lie, it doesn't matter. In the e-mail explain how you staying up later than her is no big deal. Explain how you forget things late at night so its okay that you didn't remember. Besides, how she freaked when you said after you and she was like no i was on later and you were still on shows that she doesn't trust you. I don't even understand why what time you go to bed is of any importance to her.
Explain to her that you are going to try your best to stop lying-and thats not a lie.
You need to show her she matters to you. Do something cute-like the dinner.
Lastly, if she denies you again. I think you should be done. I don't think you should have even suggessed yuour self to this in the first place. If i were you I would have been done a LONG time ago. She is obciously tearing you apart. This has to be the last time. And then use this as a growing esperience. Go back to the counsler maybe switch schools and totally block her out of your life. delete her from AIM too. DO NOT KEEP HER ON JUST TO SEE WHAT SHE IS UP TOO. You need to draw the line somewhere and start thinking of yourself and what she is doing to you. She is destroying your life. I mean your in college, and you sit at home? Go out, party, meet new people.
You could even think about switching schools if her being there is too much of a distraction to you.
^ i'm not really sure if that is an option for you, but I thought I would suggest it anyway.
If you do cut her out of your life and you see her around just smile, wave, say hi. Don't make it awkward and make it clear that you are better without her and you've moved on.
Hope I helped, and let me know if you need anymore help!
-E
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This doesnt sound like love, it sounds like an obsession.
You need to move on from this girl, its good that your already seeing counseling, but maybe you should go more often?
This girl has used you, hurt you in so many ways, why would you continue to waste your time with her? She is making a fool of you, getting you in trouble with the police, having her friends go after you her family?
I suggest you see a counsler, if you cant sleep try sleeping meds once or twice a week, i know they arent always a good idea, but it seems to me like you might need them just to get some decent rest.
Delete her number, delete her IM, and let her go on with her messed up relationship with her on and off again crazy boyfriend.
Im sorry that she has hurt you and used you this way, and im sorry that you cant move on, but you need to, or you'll never be a happier person.
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