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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
Or are they confused? What can I do? My son thinks he is going to hell, I believe god loves us all. I don't know what verse in the bible will be helpful. Anything you have will help.
The Answer
If a 15 year old tells you they think they are bi, then they are young and confused and they trust you very deeply.
They might be gay. They might be straight. They might be bi. They might not know for sure for many years. It's not something they can 'decide', but something that will slowly be discovered. But at least they have the freedom to be honest about what it is they are thinking and feelings.
If you, as his mom, take a liberal and loving approach to his disclosure (and in the venues you can control as his mother also reduce or remove contact with people in his life who will be hateful), it's likely that he'll be able to begin to process the homophobia he encounters in healthy ways, rather than turning to self-hate and rejection.
I would never recommend to anyone any group that felt homosexuality was something to 'overcome' or that you can pray the gay away, but if he struggling to reconcile his own personal truth, with his faith, then you will find some guidance here:
http://www.gaychurch.org/index.html
If you are looking to share biblical verses, you might try the ones below. Although the bible is taken as an authority on many topics, it should NOT be taken as a authority on sexual matters. When it comes to sexuality and respectful, honest sexual behavoir between adults, the bible is a deeply flawed source of guidance. Sometimes the very best way to get a grasp of everything, the good and bad, contained within an article of faith is to actually sit down and read the whole thing and consider what is actually being said. Consider these:
DEUTERONOMY 22:13-21
If it is discovered that a bride is not a virgin, the Bible demands that she be executed by stoning immediately.
LEVITICUS 18:19
The Bible forbids a married couple from having sexual intercourse during a woman's period. If they disobey, both shall be executed.
MARK 12:18-27
If a man dies childless, his widow is ordered by biblical law to have intercourse with each of his brothers in turn until she bears her deceased husband a male heir.
DEUTERONOMY 25:11-12
If a man gets into a fight with another man and his wife seeks to rescue her husband by grabbing the enemy's genitals, her hand shall be cut off and no pity shall be shown her.
Obviously, some of these are completely absurd, even downright evil suggestions, and they are at odds with other central commandments.
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The Question
I love acting.
I was just wondering if I'll have to pay to join an Acting Agency or any other agencies around.
I live in England.
The Answer
You should not join an agency that expects you to pay them upfront. Reputable agencies make money by earning a percentage of your contract fee when they find you work.
Evil abusers of dreams are the kind of people who demand you pay them in order to be represented. That is the kind of ‘agency’ which takes advantage of people.
(There is one exception to this - You may be asked to pay to have professional headshots taken by a photographer the agency likes to work with. Otherwise, there should be no, or very minimal, upfront fees.)
An agency makes money by representing people who they know they can get work for. They make large commissions (10% - 20% of whatever you are paid goes to the agency).
Whichever agency approaches you – do your homework. Look for reviews and ask to speak to one or two people who are represented by them and are willing to give you the skinny.
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The Question
Before I explain the story, I just want to note: WE DID NOT STEAL A THING.
My friend and I were at Walmart today in the make-up section and I noticed a man who was looking at us in the aisle next to ours. Clearly this was odd because most middle-aged men don't wear makeup... so as my friend and I are walking I notice this guy run and hide behind these two board game boxes and peeking through them to watch us, then he peeked his head out and made eye-contact with me. Then we turned a corner and AGAIN he's looking at us through the fitness section. Clearly he thought we were shoplifting.
I DID NOT have any intention on taking anything, nor did I attempt to. My friend however, put lipstick in her bag. The second I saw this man following us, I informed my friend to remove anything she may have put in her bag, she did, and we continued walking. As we were walking to go pay for my item, I saw him again follow us to the registers. [Nothing was stolen!]
As we were walking out, the man was standing at the exit with a woman, and watched us walk out. He didn't say a word to us or ask to check our bags, as we got in my car and proceeded to back out and drive off, I saw him in my rear-view mirror at the entrance to the store with a walky-talky in his hand.
BASICALLY, I have NO idea if this man took my plate #, I didn't do ANYTHING, and my friend put everything she had planned on taking back. They hadn't asked to search our bags, so I have no idea why he'd have followed us outside and he was clearly looking at my car cause he was at the end of the aisle my car was in.
Any idea what this man was doing? He had no right to take my plate # if that's what he did, I didn't do anything nor did he catch us doing anything or with anything on our person.
I'm pretty positive he was an employee, I've heard employees have to actually see you place items in your bag before they pull you over, so I'm assuming that's why he stalked us.
The Answer
He had every right to take your plate number (if he did), and of course he was watching you.
In most states employees will wait to see you place items in your bag, and you need to attempt to leave the store, before they will confront you.
Anyone can write down your plate number for any reason they choose. I could write down all the plate numbers of everyone who drives past my house if I really wanted too. I just couldn't do anything with them and the police would stare at me dumbly if I asked them too tell me something about the people behind those plates.
He just can't DO anything with it or pass it to the police because there is no proof you stole. But he, and the people he works with, can write it down and remember you and your car, so if you came back in the same car and they did actually catch you stealing, they'd be able to say to the police, honestly, "We suspected the person driving this car of stealing before."
Don't steal. Stop shopping with this 'friend'. You got lucky this time. Next time you might not.
He 'stalked' you because he was doing his job. He 'stalked' you because your friend tried to steal from the store. Would she have put things back if he hadn't 'stalked' you? Probably not.
Shopping with a shoplifter is a stressful thing to do. You'll get people following you and suspecting you, writing down your physical description and your license plate. That's just what happens. If you don't like it, leave the wannabe thief at home.
No one will ever do anything about this, so long as you stop the behavoir that is the problem, but just because no is coming after you doesn't mean your friend didn't commit a crime. Would bank robbers get to walk away if they just put the money back? Not likely. Concealing someone else's property with intent to deprive them of their rights to it, is the crime. That's the illegal bit. And you know your friend did that, even if they aren't sure and let her walk away.
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The Question
Okay, well I found out today by my teacher that we have new Zodiac signs, and my boyfriend is upset because his birthday is July, 30th which he was a Leo, and he doesn't want to be a Cancer like me.(July, 22) haha So, is all this true? I believe in the zodiac completly, but I've dated a cancer and he cheated on me and he wasn't a good boyfriend. :/ Well, and leo's and cancers are a perfect match because I study this stuff..so will anything change because I don't want my boyfriend to change. Will these new signs change there personality?
The Answer
NO. Your zodiac had ABSOLUTELY no effect on anyone's personality before, and it will have ABSOLUTELY no effect on anyone's personality now.
You can read below for a long convoluted answer to why this change is happening, but the answer to your big question is that horoscopes are bullshit. They are for fun, like believing that your wish will come true when you blow out your birthday candles or cracking fortune cookies. They are not science, and they are not serious.
Long-winded explanation of why some people are trying to redefine the zodiac begins NOW...
There are two different things happening here. I'm going to try and explain them both clearly.
PROBLEM 1 - In most ASTROLOGY in the western world (like what you find in newspapers and most English language books) there are 12 zodiac signs. Your zodiac sign is sometimes called your 'Sun Sign'.
Those zodiac signs were based on the sign that is behind the sun during those dates. (Only they are wrong - we'll come back to that in problem 2).
In ASTRONOMY, the scientists who actually study the stars known that there are 13 constellations which spend time behind the sun during the year. These scientists who study celestial bodies know that this is part of an accurate solar calendar. The 13th constellation is called Ophiuchus.
Some people have tried to add Ophiuchus to the astrologist's zodiac (not astronomy - those people are scientists - astrologers are fortune tellers) so that that zodiac better reflects what is actually happening in the sky.
But even if people do just slot Ophiuchus in, your zodiac sign would still not be an accurate representation of what constellation was behind the sun on the day you were born, because of problem number 2.
PROBLEM 2 - Those 12 zodiac signs you see in the newspaper have never, ever been accurate in any sense of the word. Not as long as you have been alive.
You see, the date ranges for the zodiac signs were determined over 2000 years ago by the Babylonians. Each zodiac's date range was based on when it's constellation of stars was behind the sun 2000 years ago. However, the earth, and our galaxy and all the stars around us have kept on moving! Most of this movement is actually us, the earth, wobbling, for lack of beter word. So, over the many years, the position of the sun on each day has changed, quite a lot actually. (The big fancy world for this change is the 'precession of the equinoxes').
Because everthing has moved, by the time you were born in 1980s or 90s the sign they said was yours was not behind the sun on that date in the year anymore. What was happening in the sky in the year 100, what not what was happening in the sky in 1990.
So the new date ranges that are getting into the news now corrected both of these problems by adding the 13th constellation and reflecting the actual way our sky looks now, not the way it appeared 2000 years ago.
Astrology can be fun, but you shouldn't put much faith in it. It's only as trustworthy as fortune cookies. I hope these simple facts can help you see that there are things is every sign that apply to you and anyone else, and people tend to just accept the bits of the one they are told early on is their own. There is no fact to it at all. Astronomy is science. Astrology is for entertainment purposes only.
My explination not making sense? Try this one:
http://www.livescience.com/strangenews/your-astronomical-sign.html
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The Question
So for those of who are familiar with the term gray rape, I want to explain a situation to you and you can tell me whether or not this is gray rape. I'm 19 and I have a new boyfriend, and he's really great :), but back in October before I met him, I decided to hang out with my ex boyfriend, who at the time had no idea what he wanted.
I had previously text him sexy pictures of myself the day before that he decided that he wanted to hang out with me. He told me that yesterday made him realize what he wanted. I told him that he wasn't getting laid becuase I did not believe in having sex with someone who wasn't my boyfriend, I'm not really for the idea of casual sex. Well, I got my dad to give him a ride to his house, and we went upstairs in his room.
While were upstairs in his room, we were watching the first episode of this anime series on netflix, and I started kissing him. Eventually he decided to take our makeout session onto his bed and we ended up having oral sex or foreplay, which is about as far as I like to go when I'm hooking up with someone. Well, I watched him take things one step forward, and he put on a condom. He had casual sex with me, and I didn't say no, thinking about that makes me feel really violated.
I still feel really violated from that time, because I felt like he went against my moral standards. I plan on talking to my current boyfriend about this. In your opinion is this "gray rape?"
The Answer
I really don't like the phrase 'gray rape'; in fact, I'd argue it doesn't exist.
The term was made up for a good reason, to help people recognize that rape victims often KNOW their rapist. It was a way to help people stop pretending that 'date rape' or 'marital rape' were somehow 'less rape-y' then being raped by a complete stranger. But it's not an honest term because rape is really just rape. No matter how well the victim and perpetrator know each other or don't.
Rape is a criminal offence. That is simply what it is. It has a criminal definition, and (should have) criminal consequences.
Sometimes, the crime might not have technically been committed, but an injured party can still experience the event as though it were rape. In these cases, even though rape-the-crime didn't take place, and no charges can ever be laid, the-feelings-of-being-raped will take place for the injured party.
Honestly, with nothing more to go on then what you wrote here, I wouldn't even think that your experience falls into rape-the-feeling category. It's not just that you didn't say no - criminal rape can happen without a verbal 'NO' - it is that you also don't mention any bullying, coercion, or fear of him. Nothing you said implied you were forced or pushed to participate, or that feared saying 'no'. It sounds to more to me as though you are experiencing regret and shame after the fact, and unhappiness with his behaviour and choices, but not that you were forced or bullied into having sex with him.
You trusted someone and you feel betrayed. You aren't happy with what happened. That's all right, but rape is what happens when you don't consent OR when you are made to feel as though you cannot say no, because you are bullied or threatened OR when you actually cannot say no, because you are passed out or unconcious.
Of course, I could be wrong!
Maybe you are experiencing rape-the-feeling (although there was absolutely no crime taking place here, this guy is no rapist. Maybe an ass, but not a rapist). In any case, what you should do is speak to a counsellor and get some support for the negative feelings and any fear you are experiencing. Talk it out with an intelligent adult so your experience doesn't have negative repercussions for you down the road.
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The Question
I am 23 years old and Me and my boyfriend were together about a month when i found out i was pregnant(with my first)I am now 12 weeeks along and things are not looking good. We have been arguing and i catch him in little lies about stupid things. Which makes me wonder if he lies about other bigger things. I dont think i am in love with him but i am afraid to break up cause i don't want my kid to not have a father.. I only say this because he has a daughter already that he never goes and sees of make an effort to be a good father. Is staying with someone for a baby a bad thing or am i stressing about nothing??
The Answer
If he isn't making the effort with his first kid, why do you think staying in an bad relationship with him will magically mean he makes an effort with your child?
Sometimes it's worth it to stay with someone, work through your problems, and be a family unit.
Do you think this guy is worth it? Do you think he'll be a good partner or father at some point in the future? Do you have any good reason to think that might happen?
Having a child with a man who doesn't treat his first child well was never a great plan. I think you might want to seriously think about taking an opportunity to try and make a better one.
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The Question
22/f
i need advice. i've been with my boyfriend for about 7 years now and hes great and we're really in love and we have plans to marry eventually. the problem is when he gets angry or upset even if its a stupid fight that could have been over with one word, he gets too angry and just opens this whole portal of really hurtful words. i know he doesnt mean it cuz hes angry but at the point it really hurts and it makes want to leave him which i dont want to at all. so how can i get him to stop being mean when hes angry? thanks.
The Answer
The very best thing for you is pre-marital counselling.
Pre-martial counselling is a GREAT idea, even if your relationship seems perfect. If money is an issue, ask someone in your life to help for it as a gift. It gives you a safe place to talk together about your fears and concerns, and to tackle some of the big questions that are hard to bring up. You can talk about what your visions are for the future, how you handle money, and really importantly: How you agree to handle fighting and disagreeing.
You might not stop him all togeather, but it will give you both a plan for how to deal with these disagreements.
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The Question
Is it possible to get a masters and bachelors degree at the same time? As in, if I go to school to get my masters in one field, can I simultaneously study to get a bachelors in a different field?
The Answer
Most Masters programs require you to have a bachelors degree in order to apply.
You are really going to have to call the school you wish to attend and ask them this question specifically, because a lot depends on the nature of the programs you want to enrol in, and how they are set up and offered.
If you want to do a bachelor's degree in a different program or field, and your masters at the same time, technically you might be able too. However, many programs are designed to be full time, so arranging a class schedule would be difficult, and you'd likely end up having to pay tuition to both programs (it's unlikely you'll save any more this way, because you would still need to pay for all the credits you were taking, especially if there wasn’t any overlap. Double the degree means double the cost.)
Honestly, it’s probably not a great idea. Unless the school is set up to help you do this, I would suspect doing a Masters and Bachelors at the same time, in separate fields, would likely be spreading yourself too thin intellectually. Call a rep at the school or departments you are interested in, and ask talk to them.
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The Question
So, I had this band teacher in jr high. Everyone thought something was going on between us but I was 13, 14, 15 when I had him and he was 22, 23, 24 so it was an unlikely thought. People thought this because he would bail me out of classes that I didn't want to go to. He would also bail me out of the class before the class I had a test in so he would help me study in his office, he would always call me my first and last name, never just my first. He would also let me call him by his first name but when someone else did, he told them it wasn't okay. One time I had gotten a musical part down that I have been practicing a while and in lessons, it was me, the teacher and my friend, my teacher and I sat next to eachother while my friend sat 3 seats away, so when I got this part down I had accidentally smacked his thigh and he didn't make my move my hand. Now, I am 16, a junior in high school and I visited this teacher today who is now 25. He was by far my favorite teacher, I always felt so close to him and I relate to him so well. My friend walked into his office and said she had a late christmas present for him and a few minutes later she asked how he liked his present and he said "I love my fantastic present." When we talked, we looked into eachother's eyes, he took my phone out of my hand and when our hands touched, he lingered there for a minute. He also didn't pay much attention to my friend who was in there with me. We hugged when I left, he asked how I got to see him and when I told him I walked he said he felt very honored that I walked through the cold for him. He said he missed me a lot and he said his door is always open, I can visit whenever I want. I told him I will come back and my friend said his face brightened up so much. I wouldn't mind being with him.. I mean, he's cute haha but I won't pursue it. I just wrote this to see if we're attracted to eachother and to see if we are maybe over the student teacher boundary. Please don't answer and tell me I'm wrong or a bad person, just tell me what you think of the boundries. Thanks.
The Answer
I'm guessing you've asked this question at least three times now.
You really need to start letting this go. It's going to harm your ability to create real relationship, with a romantic peer.
This guy is living rent free inside your head, for no real reason.
I'll say the same things I've said to you before (even though, each time you ask this question, you frame your past together in more and more intimate terms. It's like in your imagination each time you think of this more seriously, and more intimately than you did the last time you asked about it...).
Some boundaries were crossed. Probably due to his inexperience. It's not wrong or evil, but you seriously need to let it go and stay away from him. He is behaving inappropriately, and everyone can tell that you want to encourage that inappropriate behavoir.
You're a minor. He's a teacher. If I'm right about your earlier questions, he is also married with a child. You need to let this fantasy go. Now. It's getting a bit sick and twisted. No matter what his thoughts or feelings are, you need to take control of your own. You are out of line, and this is beginning to look like obsession. You need to control your imagination, and stay away from him.
Stop playing these 'What if?' games. It's not fair. It's not productive. It's not kind to either of you.
EDIT in response to feedback:
http://www.advicenators.com/qview.php?q=584624
So that isn't you? Too bad you can't contact that girl and ask her how's she is dealing eh?
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The Question
My mother and father have been divored for about 7 years and seperated for 9. My mom refuses to talk, speak, see or even be in the same room as my dad. My dad has since remarried by the way. It makes everything very difficult for my children and my sisters. My sister is having a baby and my mom refuses to come to the birth if my dad is even going to be in town. My sister is having an emotional time with it plus just being pregnant. Whats the best way for us to tell her its not ok that she's doing this and making all of walk on eggshells. It's an emotional roller coaster for her children and grandchildren.
The Answer
Actually, you need to say pretty much just that:
Mom it is not okay that you are doing this. It's not fair to treat your children this way. You don't have to like our father, you don't have to speak to our father, you can choose not to be in the same room as our father 99.9% of the time, and if you refuse to come to town for your grandchild’s birth, that is your choice, but it's not our fault or our father's fault. It's your choice.
At some point, you've just got to call her bluff, and stop giving into her unreasonable demands. The hard part isn't just saying she needs to stop, the hard part is standing by it and not giving in to her.
She'll be mad. Really mad. She’ll be mad because instead of you putting up with her and suffering, she’ll be made to take responsibility for her own emotions and feelings. This is what you need to make her face: Her responsibility for her own feelings and actions. If you don't let her suffer for her bad behaviour she’ll never have any reason to bother changing it.
It's hard to change patterns, but if you want to change the patterns with your mom, all your siblings are going to have to get togeather and tell her that she can't continue the way she has been. Love her, respect her, be gentle and kind as you put your foot down and make reasonable assurances that she won’t have to meet the man if she doesn’t wish too. However, stop letting her dictate the terms on which everyone else lives. She needs to be told that people can love her, and still not give her EVERYTHING she wants.
Tell her, straight up, that if wants to pretend that you only love her when she gets things her way, than she is going to choose to miss out on some loving experiences that need to happen on other people's terms, like the birth of her grandchild for instance.
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The Question
Okay, so i like this girl at my work. She seems really nice, is extremely religious, and seems to travel. I overheard her talking to one of her co-workers about her breakup/cancel of an engagement. (she had been dating her boyfriend for two years)i had just recently asked her to be my friend on facebook, she accepted it. but whenever i'm on at the same time she is, she wont chat or respond to any of my messages, and i dont know why. i mean, why accept my friend request and then dont talk to me? i dont really talk to her at work because there isnt enough time to have a real conversation. i havent liked someone this much in a long time, so i'm not about to give up just like that, but i need help on what to do next. many answers would be appreciated.
p.s. i am a guy using a girl profile name, i know. it's only so girls would ask me for advice. sorry for the trick.
The Answer
You need to talk to her in person.
Even just a little.
A lot of people don't actually chat much online. Especially with people they don't have a solid real-life friendship with.
But by not responding, she's giving you some real clear messages that she isn't very interested, even in friendship with you. If you aren't ready to accept that, then you'll need to speak to her in person to see if she is standoffish and withdrawn there as well, or if she is friendly and just doesn't know enough about you to be interested yet.
If online isn't working, you're gonna have to make use of the little time you've got at work, or give up on it.
P.S. Questions are anonymous. We can't see your screen name. I'm surprised you didn't notice how many girls here are looking for 'a guys perspective'. There is no reason to be deceptive about it.
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The Question
My teacher is 27 and he always asks me do I like him if I'm alone with him. I do have a crush on him, but I never tried to do anything with him and I never will. Sometimes I blush when hes around but that's it.If I go to the restroom and Im tardy to class, he will take me to class and he acts weird, he asks weird questions, like he asked me did I love him in front of our class. He will get really close to me and ask me do I love him and if I say no he just says that he loves me. I cant tell if hes serious sometimes or if hes just playing. Sometimes he makes me go in the hall so he can talk to me about nothing thats important. He calls me his girlfriend in front of teachers and students and they just laugh at him. I don't know if hes playing or what. He'll be in class teaching and put his arm around me. I don't think he'll try to do anything but sometimes he gets close to me and its really uncomfortable, even when I back away. He just stares and smiles at me alot. Or he'll walk over to my desk and stand there for a while. I'm a pretty strait forward person, so after a while I turn around and ask him what he wants. He'll ask if I need help or something.
Maybe I'm just overreacting but I just wanted to know what somebody else's opinion was about the situation. Please answer, thankyouuu!
The Answer
He's using his position and authority to bully and abuse you.
You aren't over reacting, you are actually under reacting. This is way more inappropriate than you realize.
You need to tell someone you can trust, a parent, or the principal or guidance counselor, just how far this has gone and how uncomfortable he is making you.
It's okay not to feel all right about this. It's not all right behavoir. It's abusive. It really is. It's abuse when an adult in a position of authority uses that authority to harass you and pry into your personal life.
You have a right to not be treated this way. You need to let the people around you know how out of control this man's behavoir really is.
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The Question
18/F
For the past few years I've felt insecure about EVERYTHING. From my relationships, to my body, to my personality, etc.
I know that I'm a pretty girl and I know I have a great personality but a voice in my head keeps telling me I could be better.. which is affecting my relationships.
I'm a very sensitive person so I take everything to heart, which I think is my downfall. I just don't know how to stop saying negative things about myself, it's just always on my mind.
I have also cut in the past because I don't like who I am. I've tried to talk to God to help me stop cutting but it's very hard to speak to someone who doesn't directly talk back, if you know what I mean.
Can someone please give me tips on overcoming this and how to gain some confidence?
Also, I've been put on Celexa (an anti-depressant) to help me get out of this rut, but it's not working 100%.
The Answer
Yeah, medications are aids, not solutions all by themselves.
Are you in therapy? The single best results for recovering from depression and axienty come from a combination of therapy and medical intervention. If you aren't able to afford therapy on your own, look for groups or services that can help you gain access to it. Advicenators is great for advice, but therapy helps you to actually change.
Now, this isn't the advice of a 'professional' or anything, but it was the trick that got me to stop a lot of my negative thinking and destructive thoughts. Each time one would pop up, I'd force myself to take it further and further until it became plain silly. If I had a thought like "I bet your dog hates you." I'd start to make it as silly as possible "Yes, your dog hates you. He is part of a Russian criminal syndicate bent on dominating your liberal arts university through chewing up your leather pumps and vomiting them up all over the modern English language classics...". When I felt like saying “I can’t do this.” I’d come up with lunatic things that I actually couldn’t do, like “I can’t fly to mars using my own paisley bat wings…”
It sounds nuts, but it really did help me stop the negative self-talk I was always doing. It reminded me how silly the bad things I was thinking about myself were, and it made me smile. Even today I do it when I feel me start to beat myself up for no good reason.
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The Question
18/F
I've been smoking weed for a while and I have had a few panic attacks while high. (Usually from smoking too much.)
But the other night I was in the car with my boyfriend and we were high. He put an angry/depressing Eminem song on and I started to feel really anxious and I came very close to having a panic attack.. Until he changed the music to Bob Marley (my favorite) which then made me feel at ease and I was able to breathe. The Bob Marley song was over and another angry song came on and I felt anxious again.
I'm just wondering if anyone knows of any psychological studies on listening to certain music while you're high and how they effect you?
Thanks! :)
The Answer
There are so many studies confirming the connection between panic and smoking weed that I'm not even sure which one to bother linking you too. However, this link is a quick summary of the correlations between marijuana use and anxiety and panic attacks: http://www.healthyplace.com/anxiety-panic/insights-into-anxiety/link-between-marijuana-use-and-panic-and-anxiety/menu-id-1233/
Smoking, both cigarettes and marijuana, increases anxiety and panic attacks in people who are already prone to them. This has been confirmed over and over again by studies over the last decade. Weed is generally thought to have a calming effect, but that isn't true for a lot of people. A lot of people will respond to marijuana with anxiety, panic and paranoia, at least some of the time.
Smoking (anything) disrupts your breathing, raises your heart rate and lowers the amount of oxygen in your blood... Even if you aren't experiencing the emotions, you've placed your body into the same physical state as though you were having a panic attack.
The music effect is also pretty standard and well established. We have sympathetic emotional responses to the music we listen too (that means we feel what the music suggests we should feel, even unconsciously). Often this happens only in a very, very small ways, and we don't even notice it. Look around when you are walking through a mall or store while there is music playing - Almost everyone will be walking in time with the beat of the music. It's simply easier to ignore these effects when you are stone sober, when you are hyper aware due to drug use, the effect can be much more pronounced.
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The Question
Hi, 23/f. There's a new guy in my life (23/m). He's an old friend from high school with whom I recently reconnected.
I'm basically a walking pile of baggage. I have some health problems; I've been cheated on, I've been emotionally, verbally, and physically abused by past boyfriends, and I know I haven't healed. I have PTSD to the point that, even though I have a protection order against him and it's been months since I got away from the physical abuser, I still can't go to the grocery store without having anxiety attacks.
This new guy has been hurt, too, but not to the extent that I have (he's a sweet, sensitive fella), and we kind of established last night that we have the same fears about relationships. We're both afraid of being hurt and of opening up to people, and he's mentioned he has a little commitment-phobia.
I have very mixed feelings about being with him. We're very open and honest with each other, and I've told him that I'm not ready for a relationship. We agreed to take it one date at a time, and we have been. He's been wonderful about not pushing things. Every time I see him, when we hang out, we laugh and have fun, but when he leaves, I feel...I don't know, empty. His kisses make me miss my ex, who was a better kisser, which I hate. I don't mean to compare them, but I can't help it. I keep pushing my emotions away because they so overwhelm me, and as a result I feel just...jaded, empty, depressed, anxious, and I can't seem to tell whether or not I'm really attracted to this guy.
I just don't know how to handle the mixed, confused feelings I'm having, or what to do about them.
Halp? O.o
The Answer
I think you just aren't that into this guy.
I don’t know, but based on what you’ve said here, that would be my guess.
Whether or not you are 'ready to date' again, you aren’t excited by dating this guy. He might be perfectly nice and pleasant, but nice and pleasant isn't quite enough for us to risk our hearts on - especially when for you, right now in your life, that risk looms even larger than usual.
There isn’t anything wrong with either of you. It certainly sounds like you’ve started to build a lovely friendship, but the romantic attachment might just not be in the cards.
If you haven’t already, talk to a therapist. You need a safe place where you can examine your own emotions and work through the ones that are disturbing your life.
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The Question
Okay, really random here but I'm tired of wondering if I'm just a freak of nature here, anyone else have an attraction to Johnny Depps' Mad Hatter?
The Answer
How is that a freak of nature question?
The man is wildly crushed on by thousands if not millions of woman, has been voted 'Sexist Man Alive' in a few different mags including People, and is generally thought of as pretty damn talented as well as a looker.
The character is a quirky, sentimental with all the adorable charm of a wounded puppy dog and a bit of paternalistic love thrown in there too. He is pretty much designed to make teenage girls and their grandmothers go “Awwww.”
You wanna know what's wierd? I think the cartoon character Gambit from the X-Men tv show in mid 90s was dead sexy. That's a bit freaky.
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The Question
http://villageofjoy.com/north-korea-most-isolated-country-in-the-world/
I came across this article on Stumbleupon.com, and it really surprised me.
Are these facts actually true, or are they exaggerated? I understand that the country is very different from the US or Europe, where I live, but some of those seem very extreme.
Does anyone have any confirmations or so?
Thank you!
The Answer
North Korea is a very different place, and it is quite extreme. A very good example of a true, current and complete dictatorship.
Lots of this list is true, but some of its exaggeration, out of date info or just plain unknowable facts.
It's true that independent travel in North Korea is not allowed. Visitors are required to travel as part of guided, official tours, and stay with their guides at all time.
Many of these tours begin at the Grand Monument on Mansu Hill, which is a statue of the late President Kim Il Sung, father of the current leader Kim Jong-il. So that part of laying flowers at the dear leader statue isn't a rule, but is does happen on of many of the tours it is possible to take.
I suspect the whole 'you can't turn off your radio, only down' is a myth. However, it is true that North Korean radios and televisions must be modified to only receive government stations with special state departments, the can be inspected at random, and tampering with them is illegal.
There is very little access to the internet in North Korea, only a few internet cafes in the capital city, access for the very wealthy and for foreigners in hotels. Like everything else, content is strictly controlled by the government.
North Korea lifted the ban on cell phones in 2008.
Dogs are banned in the capital city.
I can't find any reliable confirmation or citation about the comment of six-day work week or mandatory 'volunteering' a day a week, but it seems bit unlikely that it is completely true. South Korea had a six-day work week until mid-2000s, so it was likely true of the north and may still be in true, but the majority of the population in North Korea are struggling just to survive, so there really is no such thing as a 'day off' from making sure you've got enough to eat. This is probably a bit of an exaggeration and over-simplification on the part of the person who made this list. Over 8 million North Koreans are in the reserve forces of the army (and they are drafted to be so) so they are both in the army and have civilian careers. This might account for the idea of a forced volunteering day.
The part about postage stamps showing the murdering of American soldiers – That’s true. It’s from a 2005 report. Anti-American sentiment does run rampant and is encouraged by the Government. Americans citizens are not allowed in North Korea, not even as tourists.
Given how completely closed off North Korea is, there really aren’t many reliable stats, so I don’t think it’s really possible to comment on the daily wage or prison population accurately. Those numbers might be true, but I think it’s good to take them with a grain of salt.
The fourth largest army bit is true. There are over one million professional soldiers, and a reserve force of over 8 million.
Power outages, especially at night, are said to be common and expected.
It has been reported by a few sources that most if not all of the traffic cops are female (make sense, if you draft pretty much every available young man into the army right?) I think the comment about being selected for their beauty smells like bullshit.
Anyways, that's my quick rundown of my own fact-checking. Easy enough to do. But the best information will come from current books. There are few defectors from NK, but some have written about their experiences. That will likely give you the most reliable view into everyday life in that country.
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The Question
f/13
My Aunt got me a cell phone for Christmas & my mom was ticked so she took MY phone & locked it her closet. She said i'd be able to use in June when I go to Europe. She sid we'd talk about me earning my phone for doing chores without complaint (I complain about them) when she got back from her trip. Well she got back today & she said & I quote:"your not going to use this phone until your trip & your aunt shouldn't have given you any ideas." well it ticked me off because she promised me that we talked about it. How do I confront her about it?
The Answer
She's your mom. She gets to decide if you get a cell phone or not.
It was inappropriate for your aunt to purchase one for you against your mother's wishes. That was really rude of your aunt actually.
I get why you are upset, but it sounds like your mother decided that there wasn't anything to talk about, and she didn't want to get your hopes up by having a discussion about the phone when she had already decided that you weren't going to get it until your trip to Europe. Wouldn’t it be cruel of her to say “Well you have earn it by not complaining!” while all the time already knowing that it didn’t matter how well you behaved, you weren’t gonna get it until June?!
You can certainly tell her, calmly and respectfully, that you are frustrated that you didn't actually get a chance to talk about the issue with her and the possibility of earning the phone. That's fair. But you also have to recognize that she is perfectly within her rights as your mom to not let you have a cell phone. No amount of confronting, or discussing or earning it, will necessarily change her mind.
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The Question
So my bf and I have been going out for a while & we haven't had sex but he's fingered me and i think ever since i have just been sooo attached and whenever he does that to me i just wanna cuddle him and love him forever. i then got really scared because i'm 16 and he's 18... he's going to college next year and i'm soo attached. it's oxyticin. we haven't had sex or anything but if we do, do you think he can get an oxyticin rush? all his guys friend's say that he's "whipped" :p so i guess that's good but say we have sex, is there any position or anything i can do that can help with his oxyticin rush??
The Answer
Bonding isn’t ALL about oxytocin. It’s just one aspect of the multifaceted wonder that is your brains way of handling trust and affection and altruism… Really any time you care for anyone, friend or family or lover or give your dog a scratch behind the ears!
Your best bet would be focusing on have an all around healthy relationship, open dialogue and lots of physical affection and lots of communication. That will encourage oxytocin production, but more importantly, it will make your relationship one that is worth continuing.
Oxytocin is a hormone and neurotransmitter. It gets sent through the whole body, as well as the brain. Nothing you eat or take in a pill form can encourage it. (Oxytocin breaks down in your stomach when ingested). Although nasal sprays for oxytocin are possible, their efficacy is still a little bit questionable.
The reliable studies about oxytocin are generally about women, not men. That’s because oxytocin is important during child birth and breastfeeding. Doctors will sometimes inject a woman with oxytocin to stimulate contractions in the uterus and control bleeding during delivery, or to induce delivery. Men and woman both seem to experience an a release of oxytocin in the body after orgasm, so yeah, there is probably more oxytocin in his blood stream after you have sex... Remember tho, there does seem to be such a thing as too much oxytocin as well in people who trust too readily or bond with others indiscriminately… Like everything, it’s got its upside and down side.
Everyone's neurochemistry is a bit different. It's not something you can force or even do too much to encourage. You can encourage oxyticin through avoiding relationship distress and through physical expressions of affection like hugging, cuddling and even simple hand holding, but you are best not to pretend that producing enough oxyticin on the end to all your troubles and the key to relationship bliss.
It’s better, and probably more accurate, to look at this way: The more relationship bliss you encourage, and the better care you take of one another emotionally and take special care of your physical bond, the more oxytocin will be released into your bodies.
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The Question
how do i know that my partner love me for me and not my sex?
im 15 years of age ,and im a female
The Answer
You don't know.
That's why trust is so important to relationships.
Trusting the person you love is worthy of that love. Trusting them when the speak. Trusting them to be honest.
If you can't trust that your partner cares for you, and isn't just with you for the sex, then you shouldn't be with them.
It doesn't matter if your reasons for distrust are good, or are bad reasons. If you don't trust him, then end the relationship.
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