|
humorist-workshop
My ridiculous amounts of baggage + new guy = huh?
Hi, 23/f. There's a new guy in my life (23/m). He's an old friend from high school with whom I recently reconnected.
I'm basically a walking pile of baggage. I have some health problems; I've been cheated on, I've been emotionally, verbally, and physically abused by past boyfriends, and I know I haven't healed. I have PTSD to the point that, even though I have a protection order against him and it's been months since I got away from the physical abuser, I still can't go to the grocery store without having anxiety attacks.
This new guy has been hurt, too, but not to the extent that I have (he's a sweet, sensitive fella), and we kind of established last night that we have the same fears about relationships. We're both afraid of being hurt and of opening up to people, and he's mentioned he has a little commitment-phobia.
I have very mixed feelings about being with him. We're very open and honest with each other, and I've told him that I'm not ready for a relationship. We agreed to take it one date at a time, and we have been. He's been wonderful about not pushing things. Every time I see him, when we hang out, we laugh and have fun, but when he leaves, I feel...I don't know, empty. His kisses make me miss my ex, who was a better kisser, which I hate. I don't mean to compare them, but I can't help it. I keep pushing my emotions away because they so overwhelm me, and as a result I feel just...jaded, empty, depressed, anxious, and I can't seem to tell whether or not I'm really attracted to this guy.
I just don't know how to handle the mixed, confused feelings I'm having, or what to do about them.
Halp? O.o
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
It sounds like you aren't ready for a new relationship. You have the right idea of taking things one date at a time. If I were you I would just stick to being friends with this guy and when you're ready, to date other people too. This way you're certain if you're really attracted to him, or its just someone to help you get over all the pain in your past.
]
It sounds like you're not ready.
Reading your question, at first it seems like you finally found the right guy and you're being honest with each other taking it at the pace you need.
But...
If you're comparing him to your ex while you're kissing him, something is wrong.
When you're truly with a new person, you may think about your ex (or exes) from time to time, but if you're thinking about your ex while you're kissing the new person, you're not ready.
That doesn't mean you should go back to your ex.
It just means you're not emotionally ready to dive into a new relationship and leave the past behind.
You have issues to work out and hopefully this new person you obviously care about can help.
I wouldn't dare guess how you should handle this in the long term, but I can ffer some straight advice for what you shuld do right now.
You said this new fella has some baggage and has been hurt too.
You need to be straight with him and let him know that you're still thinking about your ex, even comparing him... the sooner, the better.
How would you feel if, with all your issues, you entered into a new relationship, let down your guard and became emotionally attached, only to discover later that he was always thinking about his ex and comparing you to her.
It's hurtful, but it's honest.
Hopefully it's something you can both work through together. but to not tell him would be more hurtful.
]
I think you just aren't that into this guy.
I don’t know, but based on what you’ve said here, that would be my guess.
Whether or not you are 'ready to date' again, you aren’t excited by dating this guy. He might be perfectly nice and pleasant, but nice and pleasant isn't quite enough for us to risk our hearts on - especially when for you, right now in your life, that risk looms even larger than usual.
There isn’t anything wrong with either of you. It certainly sounds like you’ve started to build a lovely friendship, but the romantic attachment might just not be in the cards.
If you haven’t already, talk to a therapist. You need a safe place where you can examine your own emotions and work through the ones that are disturbing your life.
]
More Questions: |