I'm a native New Yorker, but I've travelled around a lot.
I was a young HC/punk many years ago and it's how I met my wife.
I'm still married with three children.
I'm an Army veteran who got to do some pretty badass stuff and loved what I did.
I played for many years in a band and spent many years working at a rock club.
I had a good run, but now I'm entering middle age and working a menial job.
My wife and I still enjoy going out and hanging out with our old friends.
My life isn't as exciting as it once was, but I've got plenty of advice to offer along with some questions of my own.
Gender: Male
Location: New York City
Member Since: January 4, 2011
Answers: 15
Last Update: January 8, 2011
Visitors: 1558
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i have been seeing this guy for a month or so..and we are very serious about our relashionship..we both love each other a lot..and the guy has proved to me time and again that he is always gonna love me..and be there for me..i think am ready to take the next step..and go all the way and have sex but the problem is the age thing comes in..i am just about to turn 16..so i dont know if i should do it right now or not?! is it the right time?! is it too early? my guy has left the decision upto me saying that he can wait until the time i dont want to do it .. HELP!!!!! (link)
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There is no magic number age when you're ready.
It may be now... it may be in a few months or even years.
You're ready when you're ready.
The good news is you have a guy who isn't pressuring you.
There are countless women out there who wish they waited until they were ready.
You'll know when you're ready.
you only lose your virginity once.
Make sure you do it right.
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Hi, 23/f. There's a new guy in my life (23/m). He's an old friend from high school with whom I recently reconnected.
I'm basically a walking pile of baggage. I have some health problems; I've been cheated on, I've been emotionally, verbally, and physically abused by past boyfriends, and I know I haven't healed. I have PTSD to the point that, even though I have a protection order against him and it's been months since I got away from the physical abuser, I still can't go to the grocery store without having anxiety attacks.
This new guy has been hurt, too, but not to the extent that I have (he's a sweet, sensitive fella), and we kind of established last night that we have the same fears about relationships. We're both afraid of being hurt and of opening up to people, and he's mentioned he has a little commitment-phobia.
I have very mixed feelings about being with him. We're very open and honest with each other, and I've told him that I'm not ready for a relationship. We agreed to take it one date at a time, and we have been. He's been wonderful about not pushing things. Every time I see him, when we hang out, we laugh and have fun, but when he leaves, I feel...I don't know, empty. His kisses make me miss my ex, who was a better kisser, which I hate. I don't mean to compare them, but I can't help it. I keep pushing my emotions away because they so overwhelm me, and as a result I feel just...jaded, empty, depressed, anxious, and I can't seem to tell whether or not I'm really attracted to this guy.
I just don't know how to handle the mixed, confused feelings I'm having, or what to do about them.
Halp? O.o (link)
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It sounds like you're not ready.
Reading your question, at first it seems like you finally found the right guy and you're being honest with each other taking it at the pace you need.
But...
If you're comparing him to your ex while you're kissing him, something is wrong.
When you're truly with a new person, you may think about your ex (or exes) from time to time, but if you're thinking about your ex while you're kissing the new person, you're not ready.
That doesn't mean you should go back to your ex.
It just means you're not emotionally ready to dive into a new relationship and leave the past behind.
You have issues to work out and hopefully this new person you obviously care about can help.
I wouldn't dare guess how you should handle this in the long term, but I can ffer some straight advice for what you shuld do right now.
You said this new fella has some baggage and has been hurt too.
You need to be straight with him and let him know that you're still thinking about your ex, even comparing him... the sooner, the better.
How would you feel if, with all your issues, you entered into a new relationship, let down your guard and became emotionally attached, only to discover later that he was always thinking about his ex and comparing you to her.
It's hurtful, but it's honest.
Hopefully it's something you can both work through together. but to not tell him would be more hurtful.
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Hello Ya'll!
I Was Wondering If You Know Of Any Legit Websites Were I Can Find People Locally To Join/Form A Band? Or Any Other Techniques That You Have Found Useful?
Thanks So Much For Your Time! May God Bless Y'all!
Vee. (link)
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Without knowing what style music you play, what instrument you play, or where you live, it's a little difficult to give specific advice.
So to be as general as I can, go where the music you want to play is played, whether it's live music nightclubs for rock, pop, or jazz... or large churches for gospel.
Talk to other local musicians who play what you like and let them know what you're looking for.
Many local musicians play in multiple bands and would usually be receptive to joining another project or at least know other musicians that would that they can put you in touch with.
Websites and message boards may work, but going to local venues and talking to people on nights the kind of music you're aiming for is being played will definitely yield some results.
Go where your music is played and put up a flyer stating what types of musicians you're looking for and what type of music you want to play.
You will get responses.
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k, this kid nd i arent dating but kinda like eachother, he invited me over,drank A LITTLE!! just me nd him, we layed down , were watching a scary movie, he grabbed my butt, turned mee over nd made out, he felt me up with one hand, un button my pants nd fingerd me with the other, he told me to give a hand job, i did, being tipsy, pushed my head down, told me he loved me nd to suck him, nd he wldnt tell , i did. i dnt remember alot im 14, did he use me? am i a slut? help! (link)
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Did he use you?
Yes.
He didn't "ask" you to do those things, he "told" you to do those things?
Pushed your head down?
All while he knew you were drunk?
You're not a slut... but he's a scumbag.
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I got married 3 years ago. My wife and agreed not to share our past sexual history so that it didn't get in the way of our passion for each other. Two weeks ago I walked into the room while she was on the phone with her friend. I gathered from the conversation that they were discussing sex, which is no big deal. She threw out the number "39" once and I just ignored the whole thing. The next day we got into a heated discussion over her friend (who I think is bad news to hang around with all of the time since she has a habit of sleeping around and cheating on boyfriends; I just don't want my wife associated with a person like that) and my wife told me she's already slept with 39 men and "about" 10 women so she knows what she's "missing." (WHAT SHE SAID!)
I know the past is the past but it kind of bothers me because I had no idea she had such a long sexual history. We're both 25. It's just very surprising because she doesn't even SEEM like the type of person to sleep around so much.
I love her and she loves me. How can I just get over this old-news and move forward with our relationship? When I get to thinking about how many people have had my wife I get incredibly turned off and I'm afraid this sort of thing might happen in the bedroom while we're in a heated moment.
So, how do I move forward from it? (link)
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It's tough.
I'm in a similar situation with my wife.
Your wife referring to sex with other people as what she's "missing" was probably the worst choice of words she could ever use.
Having past lovers is one thing to deal with.
When we care about the person we're with we can't help but compare ourselves to past lovers.
That's part of the irrational nature of love.
But most loving relationships leave the past in the past and there is no pining for former lovers or new lovers.
We may remember old lovers, but we think only about the one we're with while we're with them
You need to know if she thinks about them or is tempted by others.
I've been with my wife for just over twenty years, including a few separations.
Some of her old lovers and the things she did don't bother me at all.
But others still make me feel like shit all these years later.
Thinking about other people, flirting... these are all lesser forms of being unfaithful.
This may be something you can talk through with her or this may be a cross to bear for many years to come.
either way, you need to talk to her soon or it will only get worse in your mind.
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Is it ok for a guy to hit his girlfriend, even if she did something to piss him off really bad? (link)
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Never.
Never.
Never.
I am married and have been in many relationships prior to that.
I have never hit a woman no matter what horrible thing she may have done.
Anger, fighting, maybe even breaking things... all normal in longterm relationships where things happen.
Hitting is unacceptable under any circumstance.
get out now.
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When is the best time to have unprotected sex?
and how often do condoms break?
and when u have sex can it make ur period come a little bit later than it normally would, even though you are NOT pregnant? (link)
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Unprotected sex?
If you mean without condoms... when you are in a serious monogamous relationship for a while and you have both been tested and have found another form of birth control.
How often do condoms break?
It's random and happens for a variety of reasons, ranging from being put on wrong or poor manufacturing to dry friction or just plain bad luck.
From my own personal experience, and take this as a warning...
I've had defective condoms break very early during sex and I've had condoms break at the point when the most pressure is on them, which is the moment of climax, the worst time for them to break.
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I'm a fifteen year old girl, sophomore. So the other night I was at a party (a little tipsy, definitely not drunk) a guy (junior, 17) kept trying to give me drinks but this guy has always been really creepy so I was avoiding him all night. Long story short, he wouldn't leave me alone, followed me to the bathroom and basically attacked me. Trying to kiss me and feel me up but I was able to get out of the bathroom and I ran outside. Almost everyone at the party was drinking so I called this guy I've kind of been dating (junior, 17) who wasn't feeling well and didn't go to the party. I told him I needed him to come get mr he asked why but I said I just needed him to come and he came to pick me up. Is it bad that I didn't tell him what happened?? I mean it's not like the other guy actually diddd anything. Well he did but I mean it's not like he got his hands into anything or that we made out, it lasted like five seconds and the guy that I'm kind of seeing and I are not actually official... I just dont want himto freak out cause I know he already hated the kid that tried to get on me. Should I tell him or is it really just better to leave it alone...? (link)
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Yes.
Tell your boyfriend.
Hell... tell everyone.
Two reasons...
One.
Eventually you boyfriend will find out, assuming you are planning on staying with him for a while. That you kept this from him would be insulting and may even break you up. Imagine you found out that early in your relationship some girl made moves on him and he never told you.
Two.
The most important reason to tell your boyfriend... and other people... this guy who attacked you and (let's be honest) may have raped you now feels he got away with it.
Whether it's police getting involved, or him getting his ass kicked, of just everyone knowing what a dirtbag this guy is... he needs to be exposed or he's just going to do it again to someone who might not be as lucky as you.
Forget your embarassment or what drama it may cause with your boyfriend... think about this dirtbag thinking he got away with it... think about the next girl.
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20-f
I recently just started talking to this guy ...well about 2 months ago. He is very nice, respectful and genuine but one thing that I can't get over is every time I see him he has bad breath :( I hate getting close to him or even cuddling with him because of his breath it makes me want to gag, sometimes I hold my breath so I don't have to smell it...it's so sad. He wanted to make out with me and I was freaking out because he had bad breath. We started making out and I was chewing gum and he was like "can I have your gum?" so while we were making out he ended up getting my gum that was in my mouth and oh my gosh did it smell so much better then! I don't know what to do though! I can't tell him he has bad breath, and I feel like if I offer him gum everytime he will get the hint but what if he doesn't want the gum? I don't know what to do! And I know he chews smokeless tobacco. He hasn't done it around me but I'm pretty sure he does before he sees me. I don't know if this could make his breath smell bad.
Any ideas of what I could do? Thanks! (link)
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Tell him.
You can be tactful without being hurtful.
Don't say you hate kissing him because of his bad breath.
Say you love kissing him, but the bad breath is ruining it.
He'll brush his teeth and use mouthwash a hell of a lot more often.
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how do i know that my partner love me for me and not my sex?
im 15 years of age ,and im a female (link)
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Ask yourself this question...
Is he just as eager to spend time with you when he knows there is going to be no sex as he is when he knows there will be sex?
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I'm a sophomore in high school and my new-ish (3 mos.) boyfriend is kind of starting to drive me nuts. I really, REALLY like him, but he texts me about a million times a day and he asks me every. single. day. if I want to hang out with him. Like I said, I definitely like him, but I don't want to spend every waking minute with him and I'm running out of excuses...Help much appreciated :) (link)
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Teenage boys can be even more insecure than teenage girls.
Making excuses may be making him more insecure and even more clingy.
When you tell him you need your space, reassure him that you're still his girl.
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I want you to listen and I want you to read this thouroughly please.
I am 19 years old and I am in college. I have always been the good girl. Yeah I've kissed a few guys here and there maybe a makeout session or two. But I never did anything sexual. It wasn't until I got to college. I started seeing all the pretty girls get attention and not me. I consider myself to look okay. I am african american, tall and skinny. But I guess it's not enough for boys.
My freshmen year of college, I didn't do much. Around two boys gave me oral and that was it. Around the summer time before sophmore year, is when the mahem began. There was a boy I would say used me because I really liked him and he claimed he liked me. This is where my insecurity came in and basically I gave him head and he returned it. That was that. When I got to school I became a lil more sexual than my freshmen year. On a serious count since that summer I gave four boys head including that one from summer. I feel disgusting. Even though I'm a virgin, I still feel dirty. I read up online and I fit the characteristics of someone who holds onto her virginity so she thinks its okay to do other sexual things. What made it worse is I really regret one boy I gave head to. This boy was a good friend of the one in the summer. I did that when I cam back to school sophmore year.
I just need to know your opinions. I won't get offensive at all I just need some reassurance..thankyou.
(link)
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No... and yes.
Exploring your sexuality is normal.
Overindulging while young and single is normal.
Are you cheating on anyone?
Were they cheating?
If not... no, you're not a slut.
But...
Oral sex is very intimate... in some ways more intimate than regular sex because of the selflessness of the act as well as the tabboo and semi-submissive nature of the act itself.
A woman performing oral sex in a regular sexual relationship is viewed as intimate and giving.
A woman performing oral sex as the only sex act with casual flings... well there is a social stigma for women like that.
Oral sex is viewed as more intimate than casual.
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20female
So it's really weird but I would rather just have sex then do foreplay. I feel more comfortable having sex then giving a guy a handjob or blowjob. I've actually never given either because I'm scared I'll be bad but I've had sex before. It's actually pretty weird. I'll let a guy finger me and I don't care but I just can't find myself to let me return the favor to them and would rather just get right into sex. Like from making out to sex. Is this weird? I've only had sex twice with the same person ..but I'm no longer talking to him. Would any guy let this happen or would they be turned off that I wouldn't want to please them before sex?
I don't know what to do! (link)
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It's all about being comfortable with yourself and your partner.
It's really about honesty and trust.
I know that sounds wholesome, but I actually mean it in a dirty way.
Oral sex, either as stimulation before intercourse or as the complete sex act, is very intimate... in some ways more intimate than intercourse itself because of the selfless nature of it.
I was sexually active for a few years before I performed oral sex on a woman because, like you, I was concerned I wouldn't be doing it right.
When it comes to performing oral sex on a man as a newbie, let me give you some advice from a male perspective.
Let him know you've never done it before, or that you're relatively inexperienced at it.
This can be a great turn on for a guy.
Ask him what feels good, what you're doing that's right or wrong.
This can be really exciting for both of you.
If you're concerned about cleanliness (most of us guys don't keep as clean as most women do down there) ask him to clean.
Believe me, any woman who asks a man to clean himself with the prospect of oral sex looming will run like the wind to the nearest sink and come back cleaner than he's ever been.
Oral sex as a complete act is very intimate and very giving... and for many men can be more stimulating than regular sex.
Afterall, no matter how long we last during regular sex, most men are trying hard not to climax. While receiving oral sex, we are allowed to climax and not fight it, allowing ourselves to enjoy it more.
As far as oral sex just as foreplay, not climaxing, it is a great stimulation before regular intercourse, not just because it's dirty, intimate, and exciting, but also because the suction during oral sex draws more blood to the penis, often making for a more intense feeling erection.
As to your question about would a guy feel insulted because you didn't want to...
No... not if you tell him you don't do that.
The only way a guy should feel insulted would be if you did it for others, just not for him.
Let him know.
I once had a passionate relationshp for several months with a girlfriend who made it very clear at the beginning of the relationship that she didn't do that.
It was never a problem because she made it clear at the beginning and I didn't take it personally.
Had she not made that clear at the beginning, I probably would have wondered after some time why she wasn't doing that and felt insulted.
If some guy feels insulted that you won't do that for him even after you tell him you're not comfortable with that... dump him.
Just like anything with sex... if you're with a guy who wants you to do anything you're not ready to do for him, he's a selfish prick.
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The fact that I slept with two guys before my current boyfriend bothers him. It bothered him before, and he accepted it. But now, it's starting to pop up in his head and he can't help but imagine it. Now he's trying to accept it again.
I would change the fact that I did if I could. But I can't... It's the past. I lost my virginity in the first place because of an abusive boyfriend. He knows that.
I told him the past is makes me who I am, and if there wasn't a past... I wouldn't have met him in the first place. I told him I hurts me that it bothers him, and that I said the present is the only time that matters now. Because we both love each other, and the past was the past.
I understand why it would bother him though, knowing the fact that your significant other had past loves hurts. But what can I say or do to have him accept it again and forget about it? (link)
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As a man who has been in this situation, I'd like to offer some advice.
My wife and I both had wild youths and had sex with many partners before we found each other.
That she had sex with other men before me doesn't bother me... though I admit the irrational part of my brain was always comparing myself to them.
The rational part of me understood that her past was just that... her past, and had nothing to do with who she was with me.
She thought no more about her past boyfriends than I did my past girlfriends.
But there is little that is rational when it comes to love.
My personal situation is more complicated, but I have some suggestions that may help for your situation.
As a man in love with a woman, we want to feel special, that to the woman we love, we matter more than any other man.
We are constantly questioning both our virility (no matter how well we perform) and our emotional worth as well.
How special is sex with me if she so freely gave herself to him or them?
Remind him how your past experience is not even on your mind when you are with him and how when you are having sex, you are only thinking about him just as he is not thinking about anyone else.
We men are insecure.
Open your eyes and look at him during sex.
Say his name when you're looking at him.
Even if he isn't conciously aware of it, it will let him know that it's only him you're thinking of.
Try different things you've never done or that at least he doesn't know you've ever done.
When we care about the woman we're with, we can't help but compare ourselves to the other men she's been with.
Trying something new not only takes away the insecurity of comparing ourselves to previous lovers, but also makes us feel special.
When you try something new, let him know that it's something new and that it's something you never wanted to do with someone else because you were saving it for someone special.
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My wife and I have been married for 7 years. When I met her she was very reserved and shy acting. Our sex life was good but she never wanted to deviate from normal foreplay and intercourse. I had told her that I had 5 sexual partners before I met her (including an ex wife). She never said anything about her past other than having sex at 17 and then having not dated for 3 years prior to when I met her. After we were married she told my brother at a party that during 1 year at college she had sex with 27 guys and that she was proud of it as she had used them for sex. When he told me I was shocked. I married a slut as far as I was concerned. She is very religious and plays the good Baptist part well. I have told her that I am having a hard time dealing with the fact that she had so many partners in such a short time, the average total partners for a wome of 39 is 7. She has had sex with over 35 total partners. I told her that I need some details about why she had sex with so many guys and the details of what happened. She says it is none of my business, but I now just think about all of these guys fucking my wife every which way. We have not had sex for 4 months now and it is driving me nuts. I just can't get excited about her. I wonder were these guys great at sex, did they have bigs dicks did she do things with them that she will not do with me.
What should I do? Am I wrong to have an open conversation about the details of her sex capades? She also says she does not remember any details, yeah right?
She seems happy to not have sex now. Now that she does not have to work and I earn over $300,000 a year. I ask her how she could fuck all those guys who gave her nothing and not me the guy who has given her everything?
Please help.
Jimbojoe (link)
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I can absolutely relate.
I have been with my wife for many years and her past drives me crazy.
It is not that she had many partners, including comletely random hook-ups, before she was with me.
It isn't even that she has no regrets.
It's that she is less wild and sexual with me.
What she could do with a stranger she just met she can't do with the man who loves her and provides for her.
That's the point many who answered your question are missing.
I understand that the past is the past and she thinks of her previous sexual partners no more than I do with mine.
She is with me and faithful.
But how little does she regard me if sexual acts she performed with guys she only briefly date are things she won't ever do with me?
I love her and she loves me, but a part of me will always feel less wanted the men she's wanted in the past.
She wants to leave hr past in the past, but if her past effects you the way my wife's past effects me... how selfish is it of her to not even want to talk about it?
How can she say she loves you but not want to deal with something that clearly bothers you?
If you are hurting and just need to talk it out to understand, and the woman who says she loves you has the power to make things right but just doesn't want to be bothered, what does that say?
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