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My wife has had numerous sexual partners and it bothers me now.
I got married 3 years ago. My wife and agreed not to share our past sexual history so that it didn't get in the way of our passion for each other. Two weeks ago I walked into the room while she was on the phone with her friend. I gathered from the conversation that they were discussing sex, which is no big deal. She threw out the number "39" once and I just ignored the whole thing. The next day we got into a heated discussion over her friend (who I think is bad news to hang around with all of the time since she has a habit of sleeping around and cheating on boyfriends; I just don't want my wife associated with a person like that) and my wife told me she's already slept with 39 men and "about" 10 women so she knows what she's "missing." (WHAT SHE SAID!)
I know the past is the past but it kind of bothers me because I had no idea she had such a long sexual history. We're both 25. It's just very surprising because she doesn't even SEEM like the type of person to sleep around so much.
I love her and she loves me. How can I just get over this old-news and move forward with our relationship? When I get to thinking about how many people have had my wife I get incredibly turned off and I'm afraid this sort of thing might happen in the bedroom while we're in a heated moment.
So, how do I move forward from it?
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It's tough.
I'm in a similar situation with my wife.
Your wife referring to sex with other people as what she's "missing" was probably the worst choice of words she could ever use.
Having past lovers is one thing to deal with.
When we care about the person we're with we can't help but compare ourselves to past lovers.
That's part of the irrational nature of love.
But most loving relationships leave the past in the past and there is no pining for former lovers or new lovers.
We may remember old lovers, but we think only about the one we're with while we're with them
You need to know if she thinks about them or is tempted by others.
I've been with my wife for just over twenty years, including a few separations.
Some of her old lovers and the things she did don't bother me at all.
But others still make me feel like shit all these years later.
Thinking about other people, flirting... these are all lesser forms of being unfaithful.
This may be something you can talk through with her or this may be a cross to bear for many years to come.
either way, you need to talk to her soon or it will only get worse in your mind.
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First I agree with Matt; marriage counselling with a good professional counselor to help you navigate this tricky road is what is needed. Second: I picked up on the fact that you did not mention the number of women you have had prior to marriage. to me this is a significant omission as it leaves open the realm of the old double standard; "It is okay for me to have as many women as I want before marriage as long as my comes to our marriage bed as pure as the driven snow."
I'm not going to comment on the number of men and women your wife has slept with; that is something to workout with the marriage counselor. What I will say is if you love each other you should leave the past in the past as the day you married you both started a new life on which to build a new history on together.
We all have pasts, some of us would like to put our pasts on display for others to see and some of us would prefer to leave our pasts where they belong; in the past. I would suggest for the purpose of your marriage you put your pasts where they belong, in the past, and build a new history together.
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You guys should have marriage counseling to clear the air and figure out where to go from here.
On the bright side your wife is really good at counting.
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