My wife's sexual past is driving me crazy and we have no sex
Question Posted Tuesday April 11 2006, 3:42 am
My wife and I have been married for 7 years. When I met her she was very reserved and shy acting. Our sex life was good but she never wanted to deviate from normal foreplay and intercourse. I had told her that I had 5 sexual partners before I met her (including an ex wife). She never said anything about her past other than having sex at 17 and then having not dated for 3 years prior to when I met her. After we were married she told my brother at a party that during 1 year at college she had sex with 27 guys and that she was proud of it as she had used them for sex. When he told me I was shocked. I married a slut as far as I was concerned. She is very religious and plays the good Baptist part well. I have told her that I am having a hard time dealing with the fact that she had so many partners in such a short time, the average total partners for a wome of 39 is 7. She has had sex with over 35 total partners. I told her that I need some details about why she had sex with so many guys and the details of what happened. She says it is none of my business, but I now just think about all of these guys fucking my wife every which way. We have not had sex for 4 months now and it is driving me nuts. I just can't get excited about her. I wonder were these guys great at sex, did they have bigs dicks did she do things with them that she will not do with me.
What should I do? Am I wrong to have an open conversation about the details of her sex capades? She also says she does not remember any details, yeah right?
She seems happy to not have sex now. Now that she does not have to work and I earn over $300,000 a year. I ask her how she could fuck all those guys who gave her nothing and not me the guy who has given her everything?
You are a fool and allowed yourself to be betrayed. You married a rental car. Everyone else drove it brand new. Then she pawned it off to you for full price. Now she's got you locked into a marriage contract.
Your job now is to prepare yourself secretly without her knowing. PAY for a secret consultation with a divorce attorney, tax attorney, and offshore expert.
Move all Real Estate into a trust held by your parents or form an overseas shell company to hide it. Get it out if your name. Move all stocks cash holdings offshore. This will take time to learn and pay for but cost less in the long term.
Get as much money out of the picture as possible while you are pretending to still be in love with her and go to "counseling" as a rouse to show you are trying to get over it. Don't let her suspect a thing or she will go for the kill. Shortly before you're ready to strike drain her accounts and cancel her cards. All of them. If she accelerates the debts she's onto you and you need to cut it sooner. Remember you will be paying for half or more of your combined debts after its over.
She ONLY cares about your money. She is entitled to it. It's her money. Why? Because she Married YOU. Now you MUST protect yourself making sure she gets little to nothing in divorce because the female judge will rape you for 70 percent once she learns you had an issue with marrying the college cum dumpster.
You are the real victim here. You were deceived and lied to since the first meeting. Fight back. Minimize the damages you will be forced to pay by a system designed to steal half or more of your life earnings and enslave you to alimony and child support payments.
Tvision answered Monday April 30 2012, 9:39 pm: A lot of people here have some good advice. Definitely get counseling. BUT A lot of them said your wife doesn't want to talk about her past because she regrets it. They also commend her for being a Christian. This doesn't make any sense. Why would a real Christian who is suppose to be ashamed about her past brag to your brother about her past? So the advice they give you is to not ask her about it yet she is confident enough to tell your brother about it? She doesn't regret it in my opinion. Also why is she closer with your brother than you? Frankly I would make her tell me and make her go to counseling. If not its best to move on. [ Tvision's advice column | Ask Tvision A Question ]
Brendan answered Tuesday January 4 2011, 1:02 pm: I can absolutely relate.
I have been with my wife for many years and her past drives me crazy.
It is not that she had many partners, including comletely random hook-ups, before she was with me.
It isn't even that she has no regrets.
It's that she is less wild and sexual with me.
What she could do with a stranger she just met she can't do with the man who loves her and provides for her.
That's the point many who answered your question are missing.
I understand that the past is the past and she thinks of her previous sexual partners no more than I do with mine.
She is with me and faithful.
But how little does she regard me if sexual acts she performed with guys she only briefly date are things she won't ever do with me?
I love her and she loves me, but a part of me will always feel less wanted the men she's wanted in the past.
She wants to leave hr past in the past, but if her past effects you the way my wife's past effects me... how selfish is it of her to not even want to talk about it?
How can she say she loves you but not want to deal with something that clearly bothers you?
If you are hurting and just need to talk it out to understand, and the woman who says she loves you has the power to make things right but just doesn't want to be bothered, what does that say? [ Brendan's advice column | Ask Brendan A Question ]
recalled answered Sunday July 2 2006, 12:00 am: It really doesn't matter how many partners she had. The fact that she was deliberately witholding this information is the important part.
None of your business? I would expect that if she had told you this before you married, it may have changed your mind. I would consider such information pertinent.
Then, she brags of it to your brother. Very nice.
And, yes, she is a slut. I have had many partners (I am male and they have all been female), and I admit that makes me a (male) slut. At least I admit to it.
Not that you would take my advice, or that any others on this list would tell you to, but I say ditch the bitch. There are too many of us on this planet that live with the pain of hating the person we married, and not wanting to hurt anyone, we stick it out and stay married. [ recalled's advice column | Ask recalled A Question ]
Logix answered Wednesday April 19 2006, 10:12 am: The girl I am seeing has a past that makes yours look like a nun. She's had numerous sexual experiences including group sex and double penetrations, sex with women and so on. You name it, she's done it. She's been with a couple of dozen guys, and a half dozen women.
She's really f**ked up over her past, and that is the biggest issue we face. She often feels dirty, disgusted with herself, and ashamed.
Her past bothers me a lot too. Not the least of which, I've already met at least a half-dozen of the guys, and 2 of the women she's slept with.
I could call her a slut, which was no doubt true. But all of this is in her past, and she's good to me. She has no desire to go back to her past lifestyle.
To add insult to injury, for all the experiences she's had, she's not the great in bed. A lot of what she's learned in the past doesn't do it for me. And so I'm in essence teching her how to have sex properly.
In my case, my lady appreciates my understanding of her situation, and we have sex on a daily, often twice daily basis.
So my advice to you, is either suck it up, and get over it, or move on. [ Logix's advice column | Ask Logix A Question ]
sizzlinmandolin answered Tuesday April 11 2006, 5:40 pm: She should have told you this before you are married because now you are having doubts. The mistake was hers, but the problem is yours. Whether you want to admit it or not, the things you said and the way you are handling the situation is the classic sign of having doubts. I have felt this way before and the last thing I wanted to admit or even consider was that I was having doubts, but, looking back, I definitely was. Stop thinking that way right now. Just forget about it completely. She is your wife and you love her for better or for worse. She has matured and she loves you. Out of all the guys out there she picked you, so that makes you something pretty special. Sex to her then, was just sex. It doesn't matter one bit if those guys were good at it. She has something with you that she never had with them. That's all there is to it. It's probably going to be very very difficult for you to just forget it judging by the way you were talking about it. My advice would be for you to see a counselor right away. It doesn't matter if you bring her or not, but bringing her may help. Your marriage is going down the drain. Do something to save it right away. I wish you the very best of luck. [ sizzlinmandolin's advice column | Ask sizzlinmandolin A Question ]
ShAnDi answered Tuesday April 11 2006, 4:19 pm: You shouldn't worry about you wifes previous partners i mean if she thought more of them than she does of you she would be married to one of them, but she's not she obviously thought you were the one for her. She probably doesn't like all the questions about her past because it's the past, she can't change any of it and nither can you. You should talk to her and tell her you need reasurance about how she feels about you and i really don't know much about the sex thing but i hope i helped anyway
kristen22 answered Tuesday April 11 2006, 3:03 pm: I see why your upset. Details about my husband's past urk me But something that I HAVE to keep in mind is that it's just that... his PAST. Things that no one has control over. How was your wife supposed to know when she was having sex with all those guys that hey! I'm gonna get married I should stop doing this! No, What she thought was I enjoy sex, I'm single I can do as I please. I would just forgive and let it go. Thing's wont get better till you do. Hearing the "dirty details" is only going to serve to piss you off even more. She loves you and I'm sure if she could take it back she would but she can't. I know every woman regrets sexual partners they have had before. I know I sure do. A common sign of a girl sleeping with so many partners is low self esteem. You only feel like your worth something if you can please other people. So I'd start there by making here feel special. I know it's going to be hard on you to forgive her for that because I know you feel hurt but it's something that is going to have to be done to perhaps, save your marriage. [ kristen22's advice column | Ask kristen22 A Question ]
AskTammy answered Tuesday April 11 2006, 2:31 pm: Forgive her. She made mistakes in the past, but she most likely regrets it and feels a bit slutty about it herself. She doesn't want to talk about it because she probably did some really embarrassing and depreciating things that she doesn't want you to know about. She married you because she loved the way she felt with you and obviously if she's good at being the "good Baptist" this is the role she really wants to be and she really is on the inside. She obviously cares a lot about you and is good at making you happy- and she might have realized from the begininng that you never would have liked her if she did reveal her past. I guarantee you she does not think about the other men, and she probably tries to bury them in her memory and its driving her crazy your bringing it up. You're going to have to be the bigger person here who sees this messed up girl who's pulled herself together and changed and now she's relying on you to be her frined, confidante, and life partner. If you are a Christian as well, its time to forgive and for you both to bury the memories of the past together. If this is difficult for you to do I would pray about it or even seek counseling, but don't let a good relationship be ruined over someones past mistakes. [ AskTammy's advice column | Ask AskTammy A Question ]
Advicelady6798 answered Tuesday April 11 2006, 2:17 pm: Ok first off you are talking about guys form her past. Girls that have been broken in the past so bad that they just use guys to get over what they are feeling depressed about. A women doesnt like a who pushes for answers. I am a woman and i can tell that something serious hapened in her life that she is afraid to tell you about. I know that it must be frustrating to think about all those guys and what they did to your wife. If you dont let things go you will never truy be able to move on. Maybe she is getting upset because you keep bringing the subject up. If she was really proud of what she did do you think she would have bragged t you and not your brother. [ Advicelady6798's advice column | Ask Advicelady6798 A Question ]
SoInToYoUx0x answered Tuesday April 11 2006, 1:26 pm: after all said and done that is her past not her future.all those other guys she has had sex with mean nothin to her except you. your one she has married. not all girls like revealing there past.i certinely dont even though my boyfriend wants to know all about i dont want to tell him because it hurts knowing u've a big mistake. that might be what is wrogn with your wife she might act proud of it but deep down inside she is hurting. i would suggest to just leave it alone and not persure her so much into telling you.
*~Stephanie~* [ SoInToYoUx0x's advice column | Ask SoInToYoUx0x A Question ]
AskAndy answered Tuesday April 11 2006, 12:58 pm: you're being pretty mean to your wife here, when she didnt use you for sex. Obviously she likes you most, and she "likes doing things with your dick" that might be bigger or smaller than her past partners, best. You know why, because she loves you. After you getting all pissed at her for being "experienced" I don't blame her for not wanting to have sex with you. As much as you resent her for doing all that, she might feel the same about you. You call her a slut, she might say JoeShmoes wand did more magic that yours. If sexual pasts bother you you should have asked her about it, instead of assuming. What you should do is apologize, and use her experience to your advantage so you can have more fun in bed with her. Its her past no person can change it. If she was religious before she would've known sex before marraige is wrong, and if you feel you must tell her that go ahead. Just apologize and have some fun in the sheets. [ AskAndy's advice column | Ask AskAndy A Question ]
TheOldOne answered Tuesday April 11 2006, 10:45 am: You have quite a problem here.
The problem is that your relationship with your wife has become deeply poisoned. If you cannot find a way to change things, your marriage is headed for the rocks - quickly.
"My wife's sexual past is driving me crazy..."
But it's just that, the past. When she met you, she couldn't change what she'd done before. So she didn't do anything TO you. Her sexual past took place before you met her. Are you proud of every single thing YOU did before you met her?
It sounds as if you're a religious man, so perhaps John 8:7 and 8:11 would be worth re-reading.
"I married a slut as far as I was concerned."
That's a terrible thing to say about your wife, and if you honestly feel that way then your marriage is all but over. But if you want to have some chance to save it, you need to see a marriage counselor (or your pastor, or both) as quickly as possible.
And do your best to keep an open mind; because honestly, from what you've written the problem is at least as much YOU as her. She has a checkered past, and has done some things that she may not be proud of. But YOU are dwelling on it, obsessing on her past behavior, and, I suspect, punishing her for your own feelings. Has she cheated on you? Betrayed you? You didn't say so, and from the tone of your question, I'm sure you would have included infidelity if you had any reason to suspect it.
The ONLY thing you've accused her of doing to you since your marriage is being glad that you're no longer having sex, and of being a gold-digger. To be honest, you seem so filled with hate for your wife that I honestly wonder if you aren't simply projecting all that onto her. I just can't tell.
Try putting yourself in her shoes, for a moment. Not as a "slut", but as a woman worried about her marriage. How would it feel to have your husband despise you, as you clearly do? Over something that you can never, ever change? How do you think it feels to have the one person who is supposed to be closest to you in the world treat you with anger and suspicion?
Because I can *guarantee* that she knows that your feelings for her have changed. Four months without sex is as clear a message as you could possibly send, short of a singing telegram. And if I were a betting man, I'd bet that you've made your feelings clear in many other ways, too, even if you didn't always realize it.
Women tend to be more sensitive to the feelings of others. She knows how you feel.
"...the average total partners for a wome of 39 is 7."
But she isn't average. She's your WIFE. A unique person, like no other woman in the world. You must have seen some positive qualities when you asked her to marry you. And I suspect that you promised to love and honor her, didn't you?
She is what she is. Her good qualities, as well as her bad. And you married ALL of her, not just the parts that were convenient and attractive. Just as she married all of you.
Perfection is not to be found in this world. We are, all of us, flawed. If you cannot get past the fact that your wife is human and has made her own mistakes, you should do her the courtesy of giving her as painless a divorce as possible and moving on.
But I must warn you: don't assume that you'll find someone better. Because every woman is human. In the early stages of courtship, you only see the best of them; just as they only see the best of you. If you're the sort of man who cannot live with a real, human woman, with the flaws and foibles that we are all heir to, then perhaps you should consider not remarrying at all.
"Am I wrong to have an open conversation about the details of her sex capades?"
Yes. You're wrong. And she is right to avoid the conversation.
Because it's pure poison. You're drinking it up and using it against her in your heart. To be brutally honest, at this point YOU are trying to end the marriage, and she seems to be trying to preserve it.
My hopes for your marriage are not high. But I urge you to take some time to yourself, and think long and hard about what you want. Pray about it, if you want to. Talk to your pastor.
And then, if you want to try to save your marriage, seek counseling.
I hate having to give this sort of advice. But right now, your marriage is headed straight for a precipice and you're stepping on the gas. The only sign I have that you feel your marriage might be worth saving is that you posted this question here. And I'm afraid you may have done it more for validation of your anger at her than for advice.
Please think carefully about your future. Things cannot continue as they are now.
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