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Divorce and Family
My mother and father have been divored for about 7 years and seperated for 9. My mom refuses to talk, speak, see or even be in the same room as my dad. My dad has since remarried by the way. It makes everything very difficult for my children and my sisters. My sister is having a baby and my mom refuses to come to the birth if my dad is even going to be in town. My sister is having an emotional time with it plus just being pregnant. Whats the best way for us to tell her its not ok that she's doing this and making all of walk on eggshells. It's an emotional roller coaster for her children and grandchildren.
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You have asked a very tough question, one that children of divorced parents unfortunately must all deal with. I'm not sure I have the right answer for you but as someone who is old enough to be your grandparent I will offer you my best advise.
I would suggest that either you, or you and your sister sit your mother down and talk to her about how her feelings toward your father are effecting you and the family. How what should be joyous occasions are being ruined because you and the rest of the family must chose between her and your father. How this makes everyone feel.
Now since I don't know exactly what has happened between your mother and father I will be somewhat generic in my advice as to how to start this conversation.
You start by saying: Mom you know we all love you, we also love dad and it is breaking our hearts that when we have something to celebrate we cannot celebrate with the two people the mean the most two us. We know the divorce has hurt you, the entire family knows this, both sides know this, still when their is something to celerbrate we either walk on egg shells or have to chose which of you to invite.
None of the family enjoys walking on egg shells or having to make choices. Unfortunately you are forcing us to do so and it is wrong. For a few hours on the holidays or for a special occasion you can act civil and join us in celebration. Allow us to enjoy having you with us. Allow your grandchildren to have all their grandparents to enjoy.
If you cannot do this for us a few times a year you leave us no choice. The family is tired of having joyous occasions ruined because of choices. We just won't make them. You will always be offered the opportunity to attend as will dad, you will then have to make the choice. Don't call us to ask if dad was invited, just know he was and decide if your going to attend.
As I said this is only a suggestion. You are putting the choice to attend on her rather than choosing who to invite on you or the family. It is obvious that you love both your parents and I believe it is wrong for your mother to put such a weight around you as to try and force you to chose between them.
I hope I have helped.
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you can talk to your mother about it but honestly my mom wouldnt even come to my wedding because of it.
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let your mom know thats its not about her anymore its about your sister having a baby and it would be important if both of the partents were there wth her to sirport her in anyway and just cause the dad gone be there why not your mom i think both mom and dad should be there apart of the birth of your sisters child its a wonderful thin and dont let no one mess up your day of the birth of your sisters child breathe n understand that its about her and her child its life and people have so little time take care.
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tell your mum that this birth is all about your sister not her and that she should respect what your sister wants. and your sister wants her parents there for her.. both of them... tell her that in occasions like these they must put their differences aside and be their for their daughter because she needs them both. and anyways she would be too worried about her daughter and too happy with that shes a grandma looking at the baby, that she would totally forget that your dad is here and she really doesnt want to miss an occasion like that. and she'd be really selfish if she refused to come to an important day like that.
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Actually, you need to say pretty much just that:
Mom it is not okay that you are doing this. It's not fair to treat your children this way. You don't have to like our father, you don't have to speak to our father, you can choose not to be in the same room as our father 99.9% of the time, and if you refuse to come to town for your grandchild’s birth, that is your choice, but it's not our fault or our father's fault. It's your choice.
At some point, you've just got to call her bluff, and stop giving into her unreasonable demands. The hard part isn't just saying she needs to stop, the hard part is standing by it and not giving in to her.
She'll be mad. Really mad. She’ll be mad because instead of you putting up with her and suffering, she’ll be made to take responsibility for her own emotions and feelings. This is what you need to make her face: Her responsibility for her own feelings and actions. If you don't let her suffer for her bad behaviour she’ll never have any reason to bother changing it.
It's hard to change patterns, but if you want to change the patterns with your mom, all your siblings are going to have to get togeather and tell her that she can't continue the way she has been. Love her, respect her, be gentle and kind as you put your foot down and make reasonable assurances that she won’t have to meet the man if she doesn’t wish too. However, stop letting her dictate the terms on which everyone else lives. She needs to be told that people can love her, and still not give her EVERYTHING she wants.
Tell her, straight up, that if wants to pretend that you only love her when she gets things her way, than she is going to choose to miss out on some loving experiences that need to happen on other people's terms, like the birth of her grandchild for instance.
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