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Gray Rape?
So for those of who are familiar with the term gray rape, I want to explain a situation to you and you can tell me whether or not this is gray rape. I'm 19 and I have a new boyfriend, and he's really great :), but back in October before I met him, I decided to hang out with my ex boyfriend, who at the time had no idea what he wanted.
I had previously text him sexy pictures of myself the day before that he decided that he wanted to hang out with me. He told me that yesterday made him realize what he wanted. I told him that he wasn't getting laid becuase I did not believe in having sex with someone who wasn't my boyfriend, I'm not really for the idea of casual sex. Well, I got my dad to give him a ride to his house, and we went upstairs in his room.
While were upstairs in his room, we were watching the first episode of this anime series on netflix, and I started kissing him. Eventually he decided to take our makeout session onto his bed and we ended up having oral sex or foreplay, which is about as far as I like to go when I'm hooking up with someone. Well, I watched him take things one step forward, and he put on a condom. He had casual sex with me, and I didn't say no, thinking about that makes me feel really violated.
I still feel really violated from that time, because I felt like he went against my moral standards. I plan on talking to my current boyfriend about this. In your opinion is this "gray rape?"
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Well, I am going to disagree with everyone who has responded so far. But to make it clearer, I'm going to avoid using the term rape because it has different meanings to different people.
What I can say is that his having intercourse with you was not consensual. How do I know this with certainty? There are four elements of consent: (1) Asking the question (you can't just assume someone wants to have sex by their behavior, you need to ask specifically); (2) Capacity (they have to be capable of granting consent -- can't be impaired by drugs or unconscious and they can't be underage); (3) Without coercion (force, threats, drugging them, etc.) and (4) With adequate disclosures (you have to share information relevant to their decision to have sex with you (e.g., if you have a communicable disease).
You only have to refer to the first of these four to find that he did not have your consent. You already told him that he wasn't getting laid. He never asked you if you wanted to have intercourse (permission for kissing or oral sex does not mean permission for anything else including intercourse). What he should have done is realized that at best the situation was ambiguous and ask you for clarification. For example, he could have asked "Yesterday, you told me that I wasn't getting laid; today it seems that you want to have sex. What do you want to do?" Now would that have been so difficult? Some people still think that if you don't say know it's not rape. That belief is seriously outdated, not just logically, but also legally. Just one example of why that is true is that some people in that situation are either too scared to speak or they dissociate. They do not have the option of saying no. But the other person ALWAYS has the option of stopping to check it out to make sure they are on the same page.
My suggestion to you is to be clear about you want both with yourself and with others and from a safety standpoint, do what you can not to put yourself into dangerous situations. I don't say that to suggest that you are responsible for his choices. But everyone should do safety planning just as a smart thing to do. It's like putting a seatbelt on when you drive a car. You're not responsible if a driver plows into you. But you are glad that you have your seat belt on just in case.
For more information about sexual consent you might want to check out that section on my website. I've been working to address domestic/dating and sexual violence for the past 20 years. [Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
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In order for there to have been a rape you would have had to say NO or Stop and your boyfriend continue to have sex with you without stopping or to force himself on you.
Violating your moral, or ethical boundaries and calling it rape is an affront to all the unfortunate women who have been raped. You did not say NO.
Gray Rae, according to Cosmopolitan Magazine is:
"Refers to sex that falls somewhere between consent and denial and is even more confusing than date rape because often both parties are unsure of who wanted what".
According to the article, the part that I read, she said no, but maybe to softly and not convincingly. Call me old fashion if you want, but she said no. That means STOP until and unless she tells you or helps you proceed. That means she was raped by the legal definition.
If you would like to read the article follow this link: [Link](Mouse over link to see full location).
As far as Gray Rape is concerned; I'm not convinced there is such a thing. Rape to me is somewhat like being pregnant. You cannot be a little bit pregnant. You either are or not pregnant. Please excuse the analogy, it was the only thing I could think of that fit.
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Grey rape is not a term. It is not real. There is no such thing. Do not refer to this as rape to anyone you or he knows, again.
Unless there is something you aren't telling us, some element of coercion, you chose to allow sex to happen and did not assert yourself as an adult to stop it.
Sex and sexuality are complicated. Children like you are not supposed to participate because you are apparently incapable of communicating like adults, deciding like adults, and asserting yourselves like adults.
Children have this ridiculous idea that sexuality can and should be compartmentalized. It's ok to get naked, to have oral sex, but to go "all the way" violates moral standards.
That's wrong. This is not an issue with morals, but rather an issue with your personal comfort zone. Your arbitrary line in the sand of what you've decided you're comfy with.
The last girl I actively dated before I married my wife, did not want to have sex right away. She slept over a few times prior to us sleeping together, the clothes stayed on and all we did was a little light making out while watching movies. When we made the adult decision, we had sex. We did not divide up sexual intimacy, and when I wanted to have sex before she was ready for it she told me so, and I backed off.
That is adult communication. That is how you are supposed to behave. She was into me, too. The attraction electrified the air between us. She wanted to be intimate with me as much as I did her, but she knew she wasn't ready, and she asserted herself over both her desires and mine to make it clear what she wanted/needed to happen.
When that changed, we slept together. That is how it is supposed to be.
If you can't assert yourself, don't put yourself in a situation where the logical conclusion to the day's activities is sex, and then not say anything to object. That is your responsibility as a sexually active individual, to set clear expectations and limits so that the other person isn't trying to figure out.
What you did was disrespectful to your ex boyfriend, from the sound of it. You treated him like something less than an equal in what was going on, like his job was to give you what you were comfy with and not want/do anything more. You treated his desires and needs as if they were inconsequential, you did not communicate with him and still expected him to dance to a tune you were not playing.
That is disrespectful. He has the right to know what your limits are, to have them expressed to him coherently, and to make his own decisions about what he wants to happen within those limits, if anything at all. Getting horny and being unsatisfied is generally frustrating for people, you never gave him the chance to decide if he wanted to back off because you never let him know he wasn't going to get what he wanted, and you never let him know that sex with him wasn't what you wanted.
Imagine, if you will, how he'd be feeling if the sex was more than casual to him, and it wasn't to you. That's not outside the realm of possibility of what just happened, from what you described in your question. You described it as "he had casual sex with me, I feel violated now"
How do you think a guy who wants emotional and physical intimacy with a girl he's into is going to react to find out that she considers what just happened to be "casual"?
I think you did not assert yourself, feel bad for it, and want to blame someone. Hence the use of a false term like "grey rape".
Stop having sex. That includes hooking up. If you aren't willing to sleep with someone and everything that implies, keep the action above your clothes and start telling people what you want, else differing expectations and desires are going to burn you again in the future. And probably burn some other people along the way.
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Honestly no, I think you had sex and then regretted it. I have been rapped and you never told him no. you told him what your morals are yes but you went to his house he didnt force you nor did he try and convince you into having sex your just did. It is okay to feel guilty and wish you hadnt of had sex but i wouldnt call it rape.
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I agree with Razhie on this one
There is no such thing as "Gray Rape", You agreed to casual sex, He didn't force you to it. From what you wrote above sounds like regret and shame. There is no form of foul play from what you've written above.
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I really don't like the phrase 'gray rape'; in fact, I'd argue it doesn't exist.
The term was made up for a good reason, to help people recognize that rape victims often KNOW their rapist. It was a way to help people stop pretending that 'date rape' or 'marital rape' were somehow 'less rape-y' then being raped by a complete stranger. But it's not an honest term because rape is really just rape. No matter how well the victim and perpetrator know each other or don't.
Rape is a criminal offence. That is simply what it is. It has a criminal definition, and (should have) criminal consequences.
Sometimes, the crime might not have technically been committed, but an injured party can still experience the event as though it were rape. In these cases, even though rape-the-crime didn't take place, and no charges can ever be laid, the-feelings-of-being-raped will take place for the injured party.
Honestly, with nothing more to go on then what you wrote here, I wouldn't even think that your experience falls into rape-the-feeling category. It's not just that you didn't say no - criminal rape can happen without a verbal 'NO' - it is that you also don't mention any bullying, coercion, or fear of him. Nothing you said implied you were forced or pushed to participate, or that feared saying 'no'. It sounds to more to me as though you are experiencing regret and shame after the fact, and unhappiness with his behaviour and choices, but not that you were forced or bullied into having sex with him.
You trusted someone and you feel betrayed. You aren't happy with what happened. That's all right, but rape is what happens when you don't consent OR when you are made to feel as though you cannot say no, because you are bullied or threatened OR when you actually cannot say no, because you are passed out or unconcious.
Of course, I could be wrong!
Maybe you are experiencing rape-the-feeling (although there was absolutely no crime taking place here, this guy is no rapist. Maybe an ass, but not a rapist). In any case, what you should do is speak to a counsellor and get some support for the negative feelings and any fear you are experiencing. Talk it out with an intelligent adult so your experience doesn't have negative repercussions for you down the road.
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