Member Since: May 2, 2011
Answers: 1
Last Update: May 2, 2011
Visitors: 446
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So for those of who are familiar with the term gray rape, I want to explain a situation to you and you can tell me whether or not this is gray rape. I'm 19 and I have a new boyfriend, and he's really great :), but back in October before I met him, I decided to hang out with my ex boyfriend, who at the time had no idea what he wanted.
I had previously text him sexy pictures of myself the day before that he decided that he wanted to hang out with me. He told me that yesterday made him realize what he wanted. I told him that he wasn't getting laid becuase I did not believe in having sex with someone who wasn't my boyfriend, I'm not really for the idea of casual sex. Well, I got my dad to give him a ride to his house, and we went upstairs in his room.
While were upstairs in his room, we were watching the first episode of this anime series on netflix, and I started kissing him. Eventually he decided to take our makeout session onto his bed and we ended up having oral sex or foreplay, which is about as far as I like to go when I'm hooking up with someone. Well, I watched him take things one step forward, and he put on a condom. He had casual sex with me, and I didn't say no, thinking about that makes me feel really violated.
I still feel really violated from that time, because I felt like he went against my moral standards. I plan on talking to my current boyfriend about this. In your opinion is this "gray rape?" (link)
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Well, I am going to disagree with everyone who has responded so far. But to make it clearer, I'm going to avoid using the term rape because it has different meanings to different people.
What I can say is that his having intercourse with you was not consensual. How do I know this with certainty? There are four elements of consent: (1) Asking the question (you can't just assume someone wants to have sex by their behavior, you need to ask specifically); (2) Capacity (they have to be capable of granting consent -- can't be impaired by drugs or unconscious and they can't be underage); (3) Without coercion (force, threats, drugging them, etc.) and (4) With adequate disclosures (you have to share information relevant to their decision to have sex with you (e.g., if you have a communicable disease).
You only have to refer to the first of these four to find that he did not have your consent. You already told him that he wasn't getting laid. He never asked you if you wanted to have intercourse (permission for kissing or oral sex does not mean permission for anything else including intercourse). What he should have done is realized that at best the situation was ambiguous and ask you for clarification. For example, he could have asked "Yesterday, you told me that I wasn't getting laid; today it seems that you want to have sex. What do you want to do?" Now would that have been so difficult? Some people still think that if you don't say know it's not rape. That belief is seriously outdated, not just logically, but also legally. Just one example of why that is true is that some people in that situation are either too scared to speak or they dissociate. They do not have the option of saying no. But the other person ALWAYS has the option of stopping to check it out to make sure they are on the same page.
My suggestion to you is to be clear about you want both with yourself and with others and from a safety standpoint, do what you can not to put yourself into dangerous situations. I don't say that to suggest that you are responsible for his choices. But everyone should do safety planning just as a smart thing to do. It's like putting a seatbelt on when you drive a car. You're not responsible if a driver plows into you. But you are glad that you have your seat belt on just in case.
For more information about sexual consent you might want to check out that section on my website. I've been working to address domestic/dating and sexual violence for the past 20 years. http://endingtheviolence.us/consexuality.htm
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