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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
this site is typical right wing bunkum. people come to these sites for quick an relatively painless ways of committing suicide, not to be told "no, don't do it, u have so much to live for!!!!!!!!!!" Believe me, most of us have already thought through the alternatives, been to numerous councellors, tried antidepressants etc. these treatments just don't work for everyone. Just offer practical solutions for those who have made the moral right to choose to end their lives, or shut the hell up and stay off this forum!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Answer
How is 'don't commit suicide' a right-wing position exactly?
You want individual freedom? Every columnist on this site is free to NOT give you information on a course of action they believe is ill advised. They are free to tell you "Don't do it!" They are free to tell you what they think, and respond to you in accordance with their own conscience and beliefs.
There are millions of places online for someone to get serious advice on how to off themselves. It's not like we have a monopoly on all information on the planet! It is not as though if we don't tell you, no one ever will. It's not like we are forbidding you from accessing that information, or locking you in a padded room.
Why on earth do you think you can demand others assist you in taking your own life when they don't wish to? What the fuck kind of 'freedom' and respect for others is that? You think that people aren't allowed to give you advice you don't agree with? You think if you say A, they can't say B back to you?
You are free to shut up yourself and go find another free, online forum where there are people who will exercise their freedom by telling you how to off yourself.
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The Question
I am 21 and my boyfriend is 22. Him and I had an on and off relationship back in 08 till 10. We broke up for good for about 6 months a while ago. Him and I started dating again because we felt like we have worked out our problems. While we were broken up he had sex with Shannon and karen and I had sex with 1 guy who was my new boyfriend. While me and him started hanging out again I knew he did things with these girls because he told me.
While him and I were together Karen kept calling him and left a message saying “fu*k your gf and come see me.” so after this incident he stopped talking to her. I met Shannon at a football game where he didn’t introduce me and she didn’t talk to me. The next time I saw her was at another football game where she said hello and talked to everyone else but me. The third time was at the movies where not much was said being we were at the movies I understand that but when we left her and her friends trailed in front of my bf and I. The last time I saw her was at a party where I met my bf best female friend and I was very kind and friendly to her and Shannon was there and ignored me.
I told my bf before we started dating I didn’t like the idea of him still talking to girls he recently had sex with but I still allowed him to because its something I had to get over and couldn’t be jealous over. But they messed up and I told him I didn’t want to be disrespected and that’s how I felt. So he stopped talking to both of them for the past couple months because he agreed with me that what they did was wrong.
Recently we have been fighting about Shannon. Shannon and my bf go to school together so im sure he sees her around and talks to her for a bit. But today he asked me what we should do about it if he talked to Shannon again. I am very furious with this because I was treated bad but he doesn’t see it like that anymore. He says I was shy (which I am) and that I didn’t make an attempt to talk to her which I find false. he says that he knows her personality and shes not like how I described and that I am shy and I don’t talk to people and etc.
So am I being jealous? Do I allow this? Do we break up? And please just be honest with me because I know sometimes people on this site are very kind and wont be harsh but I have to handle the truth so please give me the truth just don’t be too harsh I guess. Thank You
The Answer
You are being jealous. Irrationally so. I had to read your question twice just to figure out exactly how you'd been 'disrespected' by this girl.
You are out of line.
He goes to school with her. That makes her a 'co-worker' more or less. He is going to see her, and yes, probably talk to her.
Sharron didn't disrespect you, so far as I can tell. She was probably trying to be respectful by giving you distance and not engaging. She hasn't, from anything you've said here, made any sort of move on your boyfriend like Karen did. She didn't cross any lines. She has kept her distance and been friendly, but not overly friendly to you.
Instead of being judgmental and negative and assuming she was being a bitch to you, it seems far more decent (and far more likely) that she was embarrassed and didn't know how to act around you at all - so she kept a respectful distance.
Unless you are leaving something big out of this, you are blowing it way out of proportion.
You are being overly controlling, judgmental and unfair, to both your boyfriend and Sharron. If you can't trust him to have a conversation with her in the hall, you shouldn't be with him at all. He's already proven by removing Karen from his life that is he capable of removing someone when they cross the line and behave disrespectfully. Your argument that Sharon IS being disrespectful is pretty damn weak - and honestly, I suspect he is right that it has more to do with you than her.
If you can't take him choosing his own friends, then break up with him and work on your own issues. Based on your question here, neither he nor Sharron have done anything wrong. He is 'allowed' to choose his own friends (you can dump him if you don't like it, but he is always allowed to make that choice) and it would be far more decent and respectful of you to stop assuming Sharron is a bitch just because she isn't dealing with these awkward meetings exactly the way you want her too! You are being blinded by your own jealousy and prejudice. You try to talk like you want to like this girl and be friendly - but you take any excuse to believe she is disrespecting you and is nasty. Your boyfriend is calling you on that shit - good for him.
Maybe Sharron really is nasty and wants to disrespect you. That could be true. But there it's really not fair or rational, based on what you have said and what your boyfriend has said, to believe that about her at this point.
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The Question
Yesterday I hung out with my friends all day. At 6 I went over to their dorm and hung out until 10. There were a couple guys there too but just friends. When I get back he is mad at me because I did not spend the day with him. He says that I have to apologize and that I am wrong. The next day he says that I can't hang out with those friends anymore because they tend to sleep around. I hardly hang out with anyone besides me boyfriend in the first place. Their sleeping around does not affect me at all, they are nice and never push anything on to me. They only do that when they are at parties which i am not allowed to go to without my boyfriend. So because I still want to talk to them he broke up with me. Is this controlling?
The Answer
Yes.
Fortunately you HAD a controlling boyfriend. Hopefully you can stay far away from him now, and not let him dictate rules to you anymore. It sounds like you can make reasonably good choices without a boyfriend managing your every move.
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The Question
my name is Rachel and my friend Jessica she's 21 almost 22 on march 18th and she's pregnant but she's mentally retarted she has the mind of a 6 year old on some things and other things she has the mind of a 3 year old and her mom declared her mentally encompetant and her mom's going to make her have an abortion and she's so scared and I can't blame her for being scared but her boyfriend is supporting her and is there for her and he is 24 with no mental health problems and I was wondering she she has a childs mind would this be considered rape even though the boyfriend had her concent to have sex with her? My friend and i both go to a mental health center and I was wondering how I could help her and what kind of advice i should give her? I think she shoud look at the option of adoption becouse she's not mentally stable to take care and raise a baby right now and there is so many woman who would like to have one but can't and it would be a hell a lot better than having an abortion and I think she should talk to her mom about giving the baby up for adoption if her mom dosn't want her to keep it and I agree with her mom on one thing she's not ready take care of a child right now. How can I help my friend?
The Answer
Yes, it could be considered rape if she is found by doctors and a court to not be mentally competent enough to consent to sex. He could be charged with several sex crimes if that's the case - and in some states, with rape.
I think the best advice you can give her is as little as possible. Listen to her, she'll probably need to vent a lot, and encourage her to listen the advice of her doctors and her mom.
Just be a support and someone who cares for her. The decisions now aren't yours to make, and unfortunately, they aren't really hers to make either if she is cognitively incapable of making them. If she truly only has the capacity of a very young child, she might not even be able take care of herself well enough during a pregnancy -- I know it's scary for her and for her friends, but the best thing you can do is support the professionals and her caregivers. They might not be perfect, but they probably have her best interests at heart and understand a great deal more of the situation than you or her.
If you are worried she is being abused or coerced, bring that to someone's attention, but if she is being cared for well, leave the decisions to her and her caregivers - you just be her friend, listen, love her and support her no matter what happens.
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The Question
I'll start out by telling you.. my sister and I have never got along, my parents haven't really been there for me growing up either, with saying that.. I am 18 years of age.
I met my bf "C" through my sister in January of 2010. They met in the marine core, and he came to visit her at our home for a few days, me and him didn't really speak.
She was engaged to Alex her bf, at that time, and now married to him.
So while she was engaged she cheated on Alex several times, with other guys..
Well I've been "dating" C for 8 months now, since the 1st of July.
We haven't really been on a date or everything, so call it what you want, we've been talking on the phone for these 8 months. We've had our arguements and such as normal relationships do, we've skyped plenty, sent each other pictures, videos.. etc I've stayed faithful the whole time, and so has he.
My parent's dont like him...
literally last week I found out, he and my sister madeout... back when they were friends and he came to visit her, before he even thought about talking to me.
I had a idea because my sister puts out with every guy and I've asked "C" before if anything happened between them though and he denied it.
He has lied before, about drinking. He has a drinking problem.. once he starts, he doesn't stop.
My parents know about this situation, my mom says its digusting that hes kissed my sister and wants to be with me.
"C" is 20 years old, and I have told him my most personal kept secrets that nobody else knows.. we've talked basically everyday for 8 months now.
He's supposed to come see me in two weeks from now, and stay for 3 weeks in a hotel, just so we can see each other, rather than go see his family.
I'm really just not sure what to think, should I leave him because he used to like my sister?
The way we started talking was, he called my house asking 2 talk to my sis or my mom and they weren't here, so we started talking.. and from then on, we talked everyday...
Should I leave him because of something happened between him and my sis before he even talked to me?
My sister and I are not close in any way and I cannot stand her.
Thanks to all answers and anyone who takes the time to read this.
The Answer
It's not as simple as 'leaving him cause he kissed your sister'...
There are good ideas, and there are bad ideas. Most of the time we kinda know which is which.
Dating a guy long-distance, with a drinking problem, who didn't bother to tell you he'd kissed your sister (for eight months!) is starting to look like a bad idea.
It doesn't matter if your sister is a total bitch - this guy is pretty iffy in his own right. I think - and I could be wrong - but I think you have a little alarm bell going off in the back of your head telling you that maybe being with this guy isn't the best idea.
In my opinion, you should pay attention that feeling.
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The Question
i lost my voice a few days ago and i was wondering how long it takes for that to heal. or more like for your voice to come back? its not sore at all it feels like there is like a shortage of air. my words are mostly air and squeaking. i dont know how to treat a problem like this or what caused it.
The Answer
Did you loose your voice screaming at a concert or something?
If it's not that you hurt your voice using it harshly, then you need to see a doctor. It could be a sign of something serious. A shortage of air is always a big deal and something you need to talk to a medical professional about.
We are not doctors. You need to talk to a doctor.
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The Question
I have known my friend "Ryan" since I was 9 and recently found out that he likes me. I should have known because he is always trying to touch me or look into my shirt. He knows I have a boyfriend though. My boyfriend, "John", is somone I have known for three years and have been with for almost a year. I like him very much. Ryan knows I am with John but persists in trying to get me to like him. I really don't know what to do because I don't want to hurt either. what should I try? I have told Ryan how I feel but he just laughed and then grabbed my butt. Please help.
The Answer
Ryan is being a bully. Tell him firmly to stop. You have a boyfriend and him trying to get you to like him is rude and belittling.
If you really can't choose between the the two guys - then you probably don't belong with either of them, but Ryan isn't being kind to you if he is persistently trying to steal you away from your boyfriend. That's really rude of him and totally disrespect of your choice to be with John.
Feel free to tell Ryan very firmly to stop trying to push you around.
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The Question
My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now, and I've been noticing that our sex life is getting crappier and crappier, at least for me, because its becoming more and more about him. I have tried talking to him about it, telling him what I like, etc, but it doesn't help. We don't even kiss or cuddle anymore, if he wants sex (which isn't very often, about once every two weeks) he'll just poke me with it. If he wants head he'll just nudge my head down there. I can't remember the last time he touched me in a way that would bring me pleasure.
In all other aspects of the relationship he's great. I love him, but the crappy sex life is becoming a really big issue for me, and I don't know how to get him to understand that (he has a low sex drive anyway). I don't know if bad sex is worth breaking up over, if I'm completely happy with everything else.
All I want is some attention on me during sex, because I know if that were to happen it would get a million times better. It would show me he cared about me and my pleasure as well. And don't tell me to not give him any until he starts acting right, because I don't think that would solve anything and would just create resentment on his side.
What do I do?
(I'm 20, he's 25)
The Answer
Stop dropping hints. Stop 'talking to him' about it.
Start being brutally honest and clear about your position.
"I am unhappy with our sex life."
"I feel like you don't care about what I want or how I enjoy sex."
"I don't think our relationship is going to survive if my sexual needs are never met at all - it causes too much pain and resentment. If this doesn't change it will kill our relationship. If it can't change, I need to seriously consider ending this relationship."
At that point you will have told him the truth: You will have told him, in no uncertain terms that this is a deal breaker for you. It would be dishonest of you to pretend it isn't. Your relationship will end if your sexual activity together doesn't change. That's the fact, and he deserves to hear it.
And he'll pout. He'll get angry. He'll get defensive. Give him some time to process that, but don't apologize for the truth. Very gently remind him that you really want to work on this together. That you want to stay together and that is why you've told him the truth. That the only reason you told him is because you want to make it work.
Maybe he wont be able to handle the truth. Maybe it will kill your relationship. Or maybe it will be the wake up call he needs to realize that if he wants to be in this relationship, he needs to meet you in the middle and be responsive to your needs as well.
I know what I'm suggesting is scary, because it puts you in a moment that is a make or break moment for your relationship. It's always scary to be that honest, but if you want the best shot at this changing, that's the way to go.
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The Question
22/f.
I'll make this to the point. I was browsing my boyfriend of 7 months' Facebook, and discovered that he is still friends with girls on Facebook who he has dated (not been in a relationship with) Is this right? I don't have anyone I've ever been remotely involved with on Facebook anymore, but before I speak to him about it, I just wanted some opinions/thoughts on the matter. BTW, I'm not angry and don't intend to approach him with anger, just curiousity.
Thanks!
The Answer
It seems like it's right for him.
I'm friends on Facebook with many people, include some exes and some past causal hookups.
So is my boyfriend.
I don't see the big deal.
So, when you speak to him, you might want to acknowledge that he, and many people, probably don't see any problem with this. Not everyone purges their past from their life. Actually, I think it's probably a good thing to be dating a guy who doesn't always have bad 'break ups' and can stay friends with people he was once involved with...
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The Question
Well everyone thinks that my 7th grade science teacher is Lesbian she talks like a man and dresses like one and her fb pages looks like it. Sheee even looks like it. Also she isn't in a relationship and she likes rock music and electric guitars and well guy stuff. Plus me and my friend just got on her profile and looked at her pictures and she looked well lesbo. So I was just wondering do u think she is? how else can u tell...?...it feels akward being around her.
The Answer
You don't know. You can't tell from looking at someone.
Stop talking about your teacher's personal life. It's rude and childish. How would you feel if they all sat in their break room wondering which of their students were gay, or stalking on your Facebook to figure out if you were sexually active, or made jokes about how you dressed, or when you were on your period.
That would be mean and embarrassing, right?
Right. It's natural to be curious about people who appear to be different, but your teacher's private life in her own business. Be the bigger person and let it be. Your discomfort is something you should try to work on, so you'll be able to exist peacefully and respectfully with the many different people in this world.
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The Question
17/f
I'm in a high school program, where I'm in high school and in college. I'm currently a senior in high school and a sophomore in college. Basically, this program is paid for. I finish my 2 years of high school in college, so I can graduate with my associates and my high school diploma. Like I said, everything is paid for. Books and classes. To join this program, it's a first come first serve, since there are limited number of seats.
Recently, the administrators checked every students attendance, and half the students are under contract for having 4 unexcused absences. So that means we won't be able to miss another day or have three tardies, or else we will get kicked out of the program. The way they had us check our attendance, it was like a threat. They said, "check your attendance, if you have to have the assistant principal looking for you, there will be serious consequences." So there was a rumor saying, they'll kick us out if we don't check our attendance on Friday, and Monday.
One thing that disappointed me, was that I was framed of making a fake doctor's note in a class. Two girls signed mine and my best friend's name for the sign in sheet. The assistant called my mother and said that I was in trouble, my mom and I got into an argument that day, because she didn't believe me. My best friend was proven innocent, but I was still under investigation, because their largest evidence, was my handwriting. They were comparing whoever signed my name on the sign in sheet to my forms, and my notebook. They said my hand writing changes now and then, but they still accused me for doing it, and called it 'hard-core evidence'. They also had a 'suspect' who said it was me, but she only saw them from behind. The principal asked me, "is there another asian girl that looks like you? Because we know that she's a senior, and she's asian." NOT ALL ASIANS LOOK ALIKE. How am I supposed to know?! They kept accusing me, saying that if they found out it was me, and I was lying, she'd be very disappointed. They kept saying that it was me, until I cried. So they called a crisis counselor for me to talk to, and the principal said, "this girl is currently under investigation right now, and apparently she's saying she's innocent. She has a lot of things going on at home other than at school, would you mind if I send one of my students down there to see you?" It was ridiculous. My name was under suspects for a week, until my boyfriend and his friend helped me clear my name. It was a girl, that had blonde hair, and looked nothing like me. I have black hair. They called my best friend's parents and apologized, but they never apologized to my mom. They just told me, thanks for cooperating. That's it. I was so angry and offended.
We have monthly meetings, senior meetings, juniors have them too. But our recent senior meeting, one advisor had college administrators come in to help us. I'll admit, some people were being loud, but there are people who wasn't talking. After the administrators left, the advisor said, "This is the first time I'm going to say this, I am embarrassed... I am embarrassed of being part of the RCHS. This is the worst and rudest class that I have ever seen. The college administrators came down here in the goodness of their hearts to help us, but you were being rude. I'm sorry for those who hasn't spoken, that you guys are hearing this. But I am embarrassed to be part of the RCHS right now."
I didn't think that school administrators were supposed to act this way, but so far... I don't recommend this program to anybody. I don't think anybody will. It's full of stress. They made us take 27 credit hours last semester. Many seniors had mental breakdowns, especially me.
Are administrators supposed to or allowed to do this?? It's not a private school, it's public.
The Answer
Yes. They are allowed to do this. In fact, they've been pretty clear. They are have a responsibility to ensure the reputation of a full-ride, advanced programs.
They were rude with the fake signatures, and it's understandable their comments offended you, but they were within their rights as administrators. It was unkind of them not to apologize... unfortunately there is no law against rudeness.
It was kind and right of them to ensure you saw a crisis counselor when you became upset. It was good and right of them to hold off on any punishment until all the information was in. It was good and right of them thank you for cooperating.
Everything you have shared here falls into rude or unkind but also legitimate actions on the part of the school administrators. The truth of the universe is, you are going to have other rude or unkind bosses and co-workers in your life. It sucks, but there is no "They can't act this way!" people can get away with a lot of rudeness. Kindness can only be a rule in kindergarten class. As an adult there is only "It sucks they act this way. Maybe I should find a place where people suck less."
If you think it would help, you might consider talking to the crisis counselor about how you were treated, and what you might do to bring your concerns to the administrations, but that is what they are: concerns. You think they could have handled this better, and that's perfectly fair, it's just a matter of finding a respectful way to tell them so.
You've definitely got a lot going on in your life. Talking a counselor a bit more might be a good idea for a lot of reasons, not just troubles with the administration. Personally, I feel you are over-reacting to what has happened here because you stressed to the extreme and loosing your ability to really take a step back and see things calmly. It's not that the administration behaved perfectly - they didn't - but your reaction to what they did is over the top. That's okay. It happens to the best of people sometimes, but you need to get a handle on it, and a counselor is a good place to start.
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The Question
My boyfriend just claimed that he "owns me". How do I get out of this relationship without hurting me or anyone around me? I'm really scared.
The Answer
You ask the people around you for help.
Tell your family honestly what is going on. I know it's scarry, and they might be mad (they'd be wrong and unfair to be mad at you, but it might happen). Tell them you need thier help and support to keep this guy away from you.
If you are concerned for your safety at school, talk to a counselor or a principal. Even bring your mom or another adult support along.
You stay safe, not by trying to fix it all by yourself, but by refusing to let him isolate you and bully you, by standing togeather with the people you care about you.
Here's a good exercise to help you start thinking about ways to stay safe in different situations:
http://lovegoodbadugly.com/dear-diary-safety-plan/
If you’re in a relationship with someone who is controlling trying to leave them can be scary.
Trust yourself. If you feel afraid, you probably have a good reason. Braek up with them in a safe way, and have plans in place to stay safe. Make sure other people around you who care about you are on board. And always, always, call the police if you need to.
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The Question
Hey
I'm 21 years old/female. I am on birth control and have been for a little over a month. I get a lot of spotting while on the pill.. and last night I got a few period pains (its not even close to the time my cycle should begin).. but anyways.. period pain are normal for me while I'm on birth control.. even if I'm not close to having my cycle, but last night I went to the bathroom and I got very lumpy discharge. The thing is, it wasn't normal discharge... it looked a little bit like two eggs clumped together (not saying it was one, just comparing it to the shape)...they were smaller than a dime... and it sorta just sunk to the bottom of the toilet bowl.
It really grossed me out and freaked me out to be honest. What could this be? It looked like there was a dot in it.I dont know.. please help.
The Answer
It is estimated that up to half of all fertilized eggs die and are spontaneously miscarried. About 15% of women will notice an early miscarriage at some point in their life.
However, what you saw in the toilet bowl was almost definitely not a miscarriage. Assuming you couldn't be more than four weeks pregnant (and are likely more like one or two weeks) if you were - the embryo wouldn't even be 10mm large yet – practically invisible to naked eye. You didn't see it. It needs to be at least 8 to 12 weeks pregnant before they are anything close to size of a dime. Also - it probably wouldn't look white, but red and bloody, since it would be coming out from much deeper in your body than white discharges. Miscarriages, even at only 2 or 3 weeks, tend to involve much more blood than spotting. They are often, although not always, like very heavy periods.
So, my vote is no miscarriage. Of course only a doctor could tell you for sure, but it's unlikely. It's certainly not what you saw.
It’s very, very normal to experience spotting, especially in the first few months of taking the pill. Many women experience thicker discharge while taking birth control as well…
If you are uncomfortable, in pain or worried, you should go talk to your doctor. You are the best judge of how big a deal this is, but from what you’ve written here, it seems like you just had a really discharge heavy day and some spotting.
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The Question
Okay, so I have this idea for asking this guy to Sadie Hawkins, but I want to know what you think.
We're both in AP Euro history and we are doing this project where we have to be countries at the peace treaty convention thing right before WWI. I'm France and he's Italy.
He's really shy and soft-spoken, and I don't really want to ask him by talking to him because there's never a time where we're talking alone, I guess.
Thought of writing a note that says, "Sadies? :)" and giving it to him, saying "France will give Italy Corsica if you say yes to this peace agreement".
What do you think? I know it sounds kind of nerdy, but that's about all we've been talking about over the past few days. lol
Thanks!
The Answer
It sounds very cute and exactly the right, low pressure, but clear and direct way to do it. The only thing I'd suggest is saying "Go to Sadies with me?" on the note, just so it's really uber clear what you mean and he doens't have to ask you "Um, you mean go with you, right?"
You've got the right idea. Go for it.
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The Question
I recently went on a 7 day "cleanse"
Not really a cleanse but I have been barely eating to jump start a diet.
I lost a lot of weight and want to go back to a healthy lifestyle witout gaining weight.
How do I do this?
I'm scared if I eat ill gain.
I want to be able to eat healthily withhout worrying about gaining weight!
The Answer
Have you actually manage to loose much weight in seven days? If you have, when you start eating again you will gain weight. Because starving yourself only works for weight loss while you keep on starving yourself, and you'll have to start eating again, or you’ll grow very, very sick.
A healthy lifestyle includes eating what your body needs (and yes, your body needs far, far more than barely anything) and staying physically active.
Go talk to your doctor or a nutritionist about what kind of nutrition you need and should be consuming. Once you are eating properly, you might gain some weight back, but if you eat properly and begin to exercise regularly, that weight will come off again and that time it will stay off and you'll be fit and healthy, instead of starving and unhealthy.
There is no true, healthy, sustainable weight loss by dieting alone. Exercise is the second part of the puzzle. Without exercise, your diet will only work so long as you keep on dieting - and your extreme diet will eventually harm you. The moment you eat properly, you are very likely to gain the weight back. To keep it off and get healthy, you need to eat healthy and get enough physical activity.
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The Question
I am from India. Actually I was with my girlfriend yesterday, I was horse riding with opening my trouser. I also wore an under wear. there was no direct skin to skin contact. my penis ejaculated. my under wear was wet and my trouser got moistened. I touched the moistened area with my finger. then wiped it completely and then tried to caresses her vagina. In this case, is there a chance of pregnancy?? please tell me..I am worried..
can I advise her to take a contraceptive pill. If yes, then which one?
The Answer
It's amazingly unlikely she would become pregnant in this way. It's possible, if there was still living sperm on your fingers when you touched the opening of her vagina, that it could cause a pregnancy, but very, very, very unlikely.
If she is interested in taking a contraceptive, she should speak to her doctor about which one is right for her.
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The Question
Okay so earlier this month I had spotting that was the perfect time frame to be implantation bleeding and then I got my period two days late and my period is normally extremely regular. I was also more bloated than normal. Is it possible that I'm having a really early miscarriage? Don't bother comforting me for my loss if you think thats what happened. I totally did not want a kid. I was just wondering for future reference if I'm prone to miscarriages. Also i'm underweight (naturally, I eat a lot) and drink on occasion if that makes a difference. Thanks!
The Answer
It is estimated that up to half of all fertilized eggs die and are spontaneously miscarried. About 15% of women will notice an early miscarriage at some point in their life.
What those facts tell us is that if you did miscarry, it doesn’t mean you are 'prone to miscarriages', it means you are a human woman. Women miscarry. A lot more than we acknowledge or discuss. Most miscarriages happen because the chromosomes in the way the egg and sperm joined on that specific occasion, weren’t viable. It doesn’t mean there is problem with either the womans body or the mans - only that there are thousands of ways for the chromosomes to combine, and the that body knows what to do if the combination it got doesn't work.
We aren't doctors, and even a doctor probably couldn't tell you if you miscarried or not so long after the fact. But there is no reason to be concerned if you did. Make sure you are getting your regular check ups and pap smears to keep on top of any actual issues.
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The Question
My parents have been heavily involved in anti-pornography movements and legislature since I was a teenager. I felt that they were somewhat obsessive and refused to talk about anything but "pro-family" issues-all day, every day. I became pregnant as a teen and was condemned and verbally abused by my father for this. I never really forgave him. Fast forward over 10 years-I walked in on my father masturbating and watching pornography in our home. He ran away and hid and I never mentioned it to anyone. It made me feel rageful. I wanted to tell my mom because I feel it is hypocritical for them to continue to condemn others while there is a dirty little secret going on. But I never did. I dont want to hurt her. Also, my father helps a lot with my children. He'd probably get mad and stop helping me. He would probably never talk to me again if I did such a thing. Not that it would really hurt my feelings. Most importantly, I have such conflicting views now on everything. Is everything my parents told me in life a lie? I am searching for truth...any advice?
The Answer
Wow. What a case study in hypocrisy! I'm sorry you are facing this. It's hard enough to ever be exposed to your parent's sexuality - but after the abuse and shame they loaded onto you as a child... You're actually being much calmer then I could be in your place.
I think you are right to not use this information to cause your mother and father pain. That would be unkind and probably not productive. However, without confronting them, you are in a position as a young adult, to begin to make your own views known. You are also able to stand up for how you want your children raised, and this awareness of your father’s hypocrisy should help bolster you should you ever need to stop him from treating your children in any of the hateful the ways he once treated you.
As for your own confusion and conflict – you might want to try therapy to deal with your rage. It’s justified, but it might cause you pain if you don’t work through it. If you do feel the need to speak to your dad about this, a therapist can help guide you through that process and what it is you desire from those conversations in a respectful way.
It’s very unlikely that everything your parents told you was a lie. It’s quite possible that almost everything they told you about sex and sexuality was. It was the best ‘truth’ they thought they could give you, even if it was colossally wrong and at times, very cruel. Your father, despite his behaviour, might still very honestly believe everything he says about pornography. Many people preach one thing for others, but do something else themselves in private, and never truly confront the problem with that in their own minds.
The best thing you can do for yourself is probably start to ask those questions and seek resources that are contrary to what you have heard before. For all you know, your opinions in the end might be much like your father and mothers, but you’ll have at least truly heard the other side and begun to see the faults and hypocrisies that inevitably present in all people.
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The Question
Yesterday as I was getting ready to leave the gym, I saw a note sitting on my car window. It read "Hey, saw you going into the gym as I was leaving. You are beautiful! Life is too short to miss an oppurtunity. If you are available or interested shoot me a text: (phone number). Have a great evening- (His name). " Obviously, I was/am flattered! There are 2 ways to take that though, it can either be really creepy or really nice. I am debating wether to text him or not. If I do, when should I? Wait a few days or now? Don't want to seem desperate. But also don't want him to think I'm not interested.
The Answer
Slighty older woman here - and I'm going to go with creepy over cute.
Do you know who this person is? What his age is? What he looks like? Are you interested? How could you know?
It's normal to be flattered and curious, but be cautious. Use e-mails and texts. You might try googling your cell phone number to make sure it doesn't lead back to your home or work address or your full name - you wouldn't want a complete stranger finding that out right away in this situation. If you are going to do this, treat it like online dating and make sure a friend knows where you are and when you'll be back, and you meet in a safe public place.
Be smart about it. Don't let the compliment carry you away. Maybe he is really just a nice guy, but make sure you're still safe if he isn't.
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The Question
I have a boyfriend. He had a girlfriend before me.And he loved her since 7grade.. now his a freshman and they broke up 2months ago&&now his going out with me. But i don't know if he really loves me&&he is honest with me.
The Answer
If he is honest with you, then you have to trust him when he says things to you.
Lots of people lie. He might be one of those liars, but if you want to be with him, then you need to trust that isn't a liar.
It's that simple. Trust and respect means telling people the truth, and believing people what they tell you.
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