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doesnt know what to do
I am 21 and my boyfriend is 22. Him and I had an on and off relationship back in 08 till 10. We broke up for good for about 6 months a while ago. Him and I started dating again because we felt like we have worked out our problems. While we were broken up he had sex with Shannon and karen and I had sex with 1 guy who was my new boyfriend. While me and him started hanging out again I knew he did things with these girls because he told me.
While him and I were together Karen kept calling him and left a message saying “fu*k your gf and come see me.” so after this incident he stopped talking to her. I met Shannon at a football game where he didn’t introduce me and she didn’t talk to me. The next time I saw her was at another football game where she said hello and talked to everyone else but me. The third time was at the movies where not much was said being we were at the movies I understand that but when we left her and her friends trailed in front of my bf and I. The last time I saw her was at a party where I met my bf best female friend and I was very kind and friendly to her and Shannon was there and ignored me.
I told my bf before we started dating I didn’t like the idea of him still talking to girls he recently had sex with but I still allowed him to because its something I had to get over and couldn’t be jealous over. But they messed up and I told him I didn’t want to be disrespected and that’s how I felt. So he stopped talking to both of them for the past couple months because he agreed with me that what they did was wrong.
Recently we have been fighting about Shannon. Shannon and my bf go to school together so im sure he sees her around and talks to her for a bit. But today he asked me what we should do about it if he talked to Shannon again. I am very furious with this because I was treated bad but he doesn’t see it like that anymore. He says I was shy (which I am) and that I didn’t make an attempt to talk to her which I find false. he says that he knows her personality and shes not like how I described and that I am shy and I don’t talk to people and etc.
So am I being jealous? Do I allow this? Do we break up? And please just be honest with me because I know sometimes people on this site are very kind and wont be harsh but I have to handle the truth so please give me the truth just don’t be too harsh I guess. Thank You
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Sorry about the delayed response. I opened your question to answer it, then closed it to think about it, then life got in the way.
This is a complicated one. Personally, I wouldn't say you're being jealous. I think you've been fairly accommodating of his wishes, and that you've been very understanding. I think he's being a bit of a jerk, because he's not extending the same courtesy to you. The thing about compromise is that it takes two people. One person can't compromise on their own. Personally, I wouldn't have a huge issue with this, but if you do, you do, and he has to understand that. There has been disrespect from these girls in the past, and you are under no obligation to be besties with them, or anything beyond civil, for that matter.
It all comes down to what you can handle. If you can handle him doing what he wants without regard for your feelings, then allow it. That is incredibly difficult, though. Remember that there's a reason why on-and-off relationships are on-and-off: it's because something isn't working. If that something still hasn't been fixed, maybe it is time to move on.
Whatever you decide, you should have a talk with your boyfriend. Let him know that him continuing a relationship with these girls is a deal-breaker for you. Let him make the decision. Let him know that this isn't something he can agree to for a few months at a time. This is a condition to be maintained as long as he is dating you. If he can't handle that, then he obviously feels that it is more important to talk to them than it is to be with you. The problem is that so far, you've allowed him to do what he wants. There have been zero repercussions for resuming a relationship with them. You've got to set some boundaries that you are comfortable with and some 'penalties' for straying outside of those boundaries. If that means that he can't date you any more, then at least he has that warning and can make decisions accordingly.
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You are being jealous. Irrationally so. I had to read your question twice just to figure out exactly how you'd been 'disrespected' by this girl.
You are out of line.
He goes to school with her. That makes her a 'co-worker' more or less. He is going to see her, and yes, probably talk to her.
Sharron didn't disrespect you, so far as I can tell. She was probably trying to be respectful by giving you distance and not engaging. She hasn't, from anything you've said here, made any sort of move on your boyfriend like Karen did. She didn't cross any lines. She has kept her distance and been friendly, but not overly friendly to you.
Instead of being judgmental and negative and assuming she was being a bitch to you, it seems far more decent (and far more likely) that she was embarrassed and didn't know how to act around you at all - so she kept a respectful distance.
Unless you are leaving something big out of this, you are blowing it way out of proportion.
You are being overly controlling, judgmental and unfair, to both your boyfriend and Sharron. If you can't trust him to have a conversation with her in the hall, you shouldn't be with him at all. He's already proven by removing Karen from his life that is he capable of removing someone when they cross the line and behave disrespectfully. Your argument that Sharon IS being disrespectful is pretty damn weak - and honestly, I suspect he is right that it has more to do with you than her.
If you can't take him choosing his own friends, then break up with him and work on your own issues. Based on your question here, neither he nor Sharron have done anything wrong. He is 'allowed' to choose his own friends (you can dump him if you don't like it, but he is always allowed to make that choice) and it would be far more decent and respectful of you to stop assuming Sharron is a bitch just because she isn't dealing with these awkward meetings exactly the way you want her too! You are being blinded by your own jealousy and prejudice. You try to talk like you want to like this girl and be friendly - but you take any excuse to believe she is disrespecting you and is nasty. Your boyfriend is calling you on that shit - good for him.
Maybe Sharron really is nasty and wants to disrespect you. That could be true. But there it's really not fair or rational, based on what you have said and what your boyfriend has said, to believe that about her at this point.
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Well, he thinks your lieing. From my point of perpestive anyway. If hes talking to her at school, then she has to be telling him things. Im also guessing he brought this subject to her at school. I think you should ask him along the lines of this >'Did you ever think she acts all sweet around you to get you?' and sit down and talk to him about this, your feelings and his/ I know this probably isn't alot of help. but i hope it works out (:
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I apologize but I am unable to answer your question. While I do answer some relationship questions; yours is not the type I specialize in.
I would suggest you either pick another advisor to submit it to. A better choice would be to submit your question as an open question and receive several different answers giving you several different points of view.
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Break up with your boyfriend and leave it that way
You two have been on and off for 2 almost 3 years, At this point you are wasting your time. It's safe to say it wasn't going anywhere then it isn't going anywhere now. You two broke up, Went your separate ways and now that you are back together he is too hung up on blaming other people for his problems. After so many break-ups it creates trust issues, Lack of communication, Affection and desire for one another. Your relationship with your boyfriend is a dead flame, It died a long time ago.
Your best bet is to except that there is no relationship between you and your boyfriend and move on. Cut contact, Focus on you and what you want out of life. If you want commitment you have to find it. Move on
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