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Pornography and hypocrisy
My parents have been heavily involved in anti-pornography movements and legislature since I was a teenager. I felt that they were somewhat obsessive and refused to talk about anything but "pro-family" issues-all day, every day. I became pregnant as a teen and was condemned and verbally abused by my father for this. I never really forgave him. Fast forward over 10 years-I walked in on my father masturbating and watching pornography in our home. He ran away and hid and I never mentioned it to anyone. It made me feel rageful. I wanted to tell my mom because I feel it is hypocritical for them to continue to condemn others while there is a dirty little secret going on. But I never did. I dont want to hurt her. Also, my father helps a lot with my children. He'd probably get mad and stop helping me. He would probably never talk to me again if I did such a thing. Not that it would really hurt my feelings. Most importantly, I have such conflicting views now on everything. Is everything my parents told me in life a lie? I am searching for truth...any advice?
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Often times when people start a crusade there is a reason for it. Anti-homosexual agendas usually have a few closeted gays/lesbians in the ranks. Your parents and porn isn't much different.
Yeah, your father is a hypocrite. Does it really matter to you beyond revenge? Its your word against his, you know he'd deny it, so all there would be is turmoil.
Truth? Truth is a matter of perspective most of the time. Porn is evil from the perspective of a man who loves it and was taught that it was evil, he feels seduced by it. I doubt he's all that happy about his own habits.
Is everything they told you a lie? From their perspective, probably not. From yours, probably. From most other people's, probably.
I have two things to say to you.
First, revenge probably won't make you feel any better. Telling your mother serves little purpose.
Second, if you don't care and want to expose him, do not just tell your mother. Set him up. Give him the opportunity to do it again. Get video. Get it into the hands of his opponents. Destroy his political career. People like your father do real harm to the world with their views, tirades, and hypocrisy.
If you're going to seek justice, do it by destroying the shit he's worked for all his life. Fight his cause, not him. You might actually do some good in the world that way.
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Hi, I am probably old enough to be your father and maybe even old enough to be your grandfather. Hopefully what I am seeing in your writing will help you sort through your conflict.
Lets start with just the fact that your father was masturbating. There is nothing wrong with masturbation. All of the recognized formal religions approve or condone masturbation as a safe outlet for pent up sexual energy.
Why was you father masturbating? One reason could be that as we get older a mans sex drive re-emerges again while a women who may be entering menopause has a diminishing sex drive. Rather than cheat on your mother your father may have chosen masturbation as an outlet. Masturbation is not dirty. If you and your husband/sex partner manually stimulate each others sexual organs during sex you are having mutual masturbation.
I know you did not ask that question but I'm sure it was in the back of your mind. Now as to your main question: Have your parents lied to you all this time.
Based on what I just said I'm going to say no. As we get older are views change. Sometimes this is because we have become more educated on the subject and other time circumstances may cause us to take a different view. In your fathers case, again based on my explanation above, he may have found that pornography does have a place.
An other explanation could be that pornography has been mothers hot button and dad just went along with her. It may have been easier to do this then to try and educate her differently.
Everyone has there own view on just about everything. As to pornography I find most of it entertaining. There are some forms of pornography that I find disgusting and without any redeeming or artful meaning. If all pornography was of the later type I would probably appose pornography as well. This could be where your fathers' thinking is. Without talking to him you will ever know.
As to catching your father masturbating and watching pornography. I think it was a very embarrassing moment for both of you. Your father I'm sure never expected anyone, let alone you to walk in on him.
This will always be a wall between you until you let it see the light of day. You did not say what your feeling are on masturbation or how you fully feel about pornography. I will suggest you start a conversation with something like; "Dad I'm sorry I walked in on you that time, I think it was an embarrassing moment for both of us." I just want you to know that what you were doing is natural and did not make me feel any less for you." Then you can take the conversation in any direction you like.
I hope I have been of some help to you.
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I'm pretty sure your parents had the best intentions when they taught you what they thought was right and wrong. No one is perfect but they've been through life and wanted to protect you from some of the bad things and bad people that are out there. That being said, they're reaction to your pregnancy was way out of line. When you love someone, you forgive them and help them when they make mistakes. I hope someday when you can move out, you can let your parents know how much they hurt you. I'm a firm believer that no one should judge you for your actions. I'm the one that will have to answer for my actions at the pearly gates and hopefully my good actions have outweighed the bad ones. So if you think you've messed up by getting pregnant so early or you decide to watch porn, don't let anyone condemn you...it's your life and you should live it how ever you see fit. If you have any other questions, please feel free to ask me. I hope this helps and good luck.
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Wow. What a case study in hypocrisy! I'm sorry you are facing this. It's hard enough to ever be exposed to your parent's sexuality - but after the abuse and shame they loaded onto you as a child... You're actually being much calmer then I could be in your place.
I think you are right to not use this information to cause your mother and father pain. That would be unkind and probably not productive. However, without confronting them, you are in a position as a young adult, to begin to make your own views known. You are also able to stand up for how you want your children raised, and this awareness of your father’s hypocrisy should help bolster you should you ever need to stop him from treating your children in any of the hateful the ways he once treated you.
As for your own confusion and conflict – you might want to try therapy to deal with your rage. It’s justified, but it might cause you pain if you don’t work through it. If you do feel the need to speak to your dad about this, a therapist can help guide you through that process and what it is you desire from those conversations in a respectful way.
It’s very unlikely that everything your parents told you was a lie. It’s quite possible that almost everything they told you about sex and sexuality was. It was the best ‘truth’ they thought they could give you, even if it was colossally wrong and at times, very cruel. Your father, despite his behaviour, might still very honestly believe everything he says about pornography. Many people preach one thing for others, but do something else themselves in private, and never truly confront the problem with that in their own minds.
The best thing you can do for yourself is probably start to ask those questions and seek resources that are contrary to what you have heard before. For all you know, your opinions in the end might be much like your father and mothers, but you’ll have at least truly heard the other side and begun to see the faults and hypocrisies that inevitably present in all people.
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No, everything is not a lie, but you are learning one universal truth - none of us are immune from sin or wrong-doing. Your father is only a hypocrite if he says porn is wrong for everyone else but himself. From his reaction, I gather he is VERY aware that what he was doing was wrong, and was embarrassed. The real issue here seems to be communication. You are afraid to talk openly and honestly with your parents and they don't seem to willing to be open with you either. The worst thing you can do is keep hiding this and pretending it doesn't affect you. I think you need to be brave and address this. You can approach it several ways - sit down privately with your mother first and tell her what you saw. Start by telling her you've always felt condemned and hurt by how they reacted to your pregnancy, then tell her what you saw your dad doing. Explain to her that it makes you feel like everything you were told was a lie, and you don't know how to feel. Or, you could sit down with both your parents and have that same conversation, or you could just approach your dad, alone first. The key to doing this is to do it when things are calm and normal. You don't bring this up during a fight, or when you're angry. As a matter of fact, wait for a day when you feel happy and content. This is a delicate situation and beginning the discussion in anger will only lead them to be defensive, and you won't get any good results from that. Your family deserves to know that you feel let down, and they also deserve the chance to be open with you about their own struggles. Being a parent yourself, I know you understand that its a struggle to always present yourself as the person you hope your children will become someday. We all fall short. We all disappoint. We all have secrets and shame that we don't care others to know about. You can break this cycle of secrecy and shame by being brave enough to face it, but face it carefully. I know your parents have hurt you unfairly, but don't forget that they have their own issues, they are just people, like you. They are not perfect (as much as they may try) and they experience shame and emabarrassment just like you do. And think about forgiving your dad for how he treated you. Not because he deserves it, but because if you don't, it will eat away at you until you become the bitter, angry person you swore you would never be. Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. It can't happen over night, but with practice, you can learn to forgive, and you'll find a freedom in that. Trust me. Good luck to you. I wish you the best.
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