cloudy_conscience's advice column

askcloudy_conscience

advice column ask question view feedback favorite columnist advicenators

Q: I am a 32 year old female. I have recently lost my grandmother, and broke up with my boyfriend of six years, (my idea). I love him very much, and he is a good man. I have wanted to get married for a long time but he has not asked me. I have however talked to him about it, and told him how I feel about getting married. He is not outward with his emotions, but I know he loves me. Our sex life if very grim, and we hardly communicate. I feel that we are very close as friends but I want more from him. At the same time I am afraid I am loosing the most special thing in my life. I am afraid that I am making these decisions and dealing with this to cover up the real pain of loosing my grandmother. She raised me and we did everything together. I just dont want to loose something special for the wrong reasons. Please help. Thank You

It may very well be that you are covering up the pain of losing your grandmother or it may be that you are ready for more of a commitment in your relationship and he just wasn't giving it to you. Either way you have to do what makes you happy. If you believe that you really care about this man and want to make it work then you are both going to have to work on your communication skills. Let him know that you want to get married one day and that you would like it to be with him. Tell him that you want to communicate better and you want to have a better sex life. If you don't communicate your true feelings with him then you are never going to know if things could have worked out and it will haunt you forever.

Also talk to him about losing your grandmother, let him in. Maybe letting him in will help him to understand where all of your feelings are coming from and it may ,therefore, make him communicate better or at least understand you a little better. If you feel as though the relationship deserves another chance then I say go for it. Do what feels right to you, we can't tell you what you should and shouldn't do. If you feel like he is a waste of your passion then move on, but if you feel as though you really care about this man and want to give it another try the I say do it. Just work on the communication and sex issues together, then things may get better.
Good Luck.

Hope I Helped.

Q: Ok, so i have a boyfriend, pico and i like him and he likes me but it just seems like hes gettin kinda like too obsessive and i want to break up with him but i don't want to break up with him and i don't know what do do....please help me!

Maybe before you decide to break-up with him talk to him and let him know that you aren't comfortable with him being so obsessive. If you still feel like you want to break-up with him then I say go for it. If you don't want to break-up with him, then give it some time after you talk about it and see where the relationship goes from there.

Hope I Helped.

Q: 17/m.
my ex gf of 7 months [we broke up in may] has been 'talking' to my best friend. theyre personality dont even go together. and this is bothering me so much! i have to spend a week with her @ camp next week, and i cant avoid her because theres not alot of girls going. and my best friends likes her back.
what should i do?!?!?! just let them be? or talk to them? or what?

Truthfully all you can do is leave them alone and let their little love interest run it's course. You really don't have the right to get into it, because you guys are broken up. Yes, it may be difficult to be around them but they deserve a chance to be happy together. I think the best thing for you is too move on and find another girl that you can be interested in and that can take your mind off of your ex and best friends little fling. Just try to do things that keep your mind off of it, get a hobby, hang out with new friends, anything.

Hope I Helped.

Q: so my crush ansked me to hang out with him hes a sweet guy and i think he just wants to go out on a walk or watch a scary movie somthing we can do at his house......but the thing is he knows i like him and he invited me over...but he has a girlfreind so im confused what he wants to do cause before i told him i liked him which was like a month ago we never talked so its not like were the best of friends...well anyways can anybody help me with what we can do and how to act when im with him!!!
please and thankk you!!

Don't act any differently around him, just be yourself. Keep in mind that he does have a girlfriend though, so don't let him think that you are going to let him cheat with you. Be yourself, talk to him, watch a movie, eat popcorn, play a video game, anything that friends do together. Let him know that you are interested but that you are not going to act on said interest until he is single, because you are better than that.

Hope I helped.

Q: i am 17 years old and i have this probloem with pot. you see my boyfriend and i started dating almost a year ago and before then he was really into the pot, but he stoped fot me, now my boyfriend is have like withdrawl beacuse he says he needs and he hasnt needed it like 2 months. but out of no where he needs it. i dont know what to do i cant stand pot and he knows, i just dont want it to ruin out relationship.

Okay first of all pot is not addictive at all, it's all in your head. So if your boyfriend is having real withdrawals then he is totally on something else. You need to let him know where you stand and if he really cares about you then he will get off of it and whatever else he is doing.
Second, I agree with you and I can't stand pot. I made my boyfriend get off of it before I would even start dating him, so I am glad that you stand up for what you believe in.

Hope I Helped.

Q: i'm 16 years old and my boyfriend is 22 and he wants to have sex but i dont and he sead ''if we dont then we have to stop going out'' but truely love him and we have been going out for 2 years but if we did have sex he it would be rape right cuz i'ma minnor and thats why i dont want to and i told him that but he still wants to i would have sex but it's illegal so i dont know what to do should i have sex or not (keeping in mind we love each other)????
-Bryona

No, I really don't think you should. It doesn't seem like your boyfriend cares about you at all, it sounds like he is trying to take advantage of your youth. If he really loved you he wouldn't say, "If you don't have sex with me I'm going to break-up with you." He should understand that you aren't ready and that you don't want to.
Yes, it is illegal, but your mother would have to press charges against him for anything of consequence to happen. I had sex with my ex while we were illegal, but I was also ready.

If you don't feel comfortable with sex and you don't believe you are ready then you should let your boyfriend know that and if he breaks-up with you then he really didn't love you to begin with. When you really love someone you are willing to wait on them no matter how long it takes. Truthfully your boyfriend sounds like a jerk and I think you need to get rid of him, but you do whatever makes you happy.

Hope I Helped.

Q: What age should you start having sex? I really just have to know because I'm afraid I might do it too early or too late. Thanks for the time.

Well there really isn't a specific age for you to begin having sex, all it really comes down to is when you believe you are ready to have sex. You have to decide when you are ready, you can't do it because everyone else is doing it or because your partner wants you to. Losing your virginity should not be taken lightly, once it's gone you can't get it back and it shouldn't be wasted on just anyone, you should really care about them. Do it when you are ready and you won't regret it.

Hope I Helped.

Q: alright so my friend is dating this guy name taylor that she loves but he is like a dick to her a lot but you know he loves her. they have been dating for about 5 months maybe. well my friend is really good friends with her ex and she has like a lot of feelings for him. she says she loves them equally but her ex treats her so much better than her boyfriend and she knows it. she knows she wants to be with taylor but she likes her ex a lot. taylor found out that his gurlfriend and her ex talk a lot and he got really depressed and cut himself. so im thinkin that if she broke up with him for austin he would prolly kill himself for reall. she loves them both so much but wants to be with taylor cause they have so much goin for them but she loves her ex. what should she do?

Okay, your friend is in a very difficult situation and I have been in the very same one. I really cared about my current boyfriend, but I got butterflies and really cared about my ex boyfriend, when my current boyfriend found out that I was thinking about breaking-up with him he went ballistic. He stalked me after we broke up, threatened to kill himself, and tried to beat up my ex. But even though he threatened to kill himself I had to do what made me happy and he didn't kill himself, we are now really good friends.
My point is that your friend can't base her decision on the fact that Taylor might kill himself, if he did it wouldn't be her fault. She is just going to have to sit down and talk to Taylor, if she decides she wants to be with Austin, and let him know that it's not that she doesn't care about him, but she just doesn't feel like she used to be about him. She really needs to do what makes her happy, no matter who it means she ends up with.

Hope I Helped.

Q: What is a good movie that would be cute for couples to watch at like a house?? =]

P.S. I Love You, is an amazingly sweet romantic movie. It's a little sad but it really makes you appreciate one another and I am absolutely crazy about it.

Definatly, Maybe, is another very sweet romantic comedy. It is so sweet and it just makes you feel happy and lovey about each other.

Hope I Helped.

Q: okay so ive had a terrible relationship for the past year as it is. and when you think it cant get much worse, it does. So my boyfriend started talking to some girl to get me jealous (as he says) because we broke up and he wanted to show me that we cant keep breaking up. so we got back together and he said hed stop talking to her. so than i believe him when ever he told me he stopped talking her. ( i wasnt friends with the girl either) he told me he was going to take me to a phillies game. Than tells me he as to work so the last mintue he cancells on me. Some girl that went told me he saw him there, but when i asked he told me he wasnt. So i let that go. Than mdw came and i wasnt with him cause of softball. After that the same girl he was talking to when we broke up came to me and told me that hes been cheating on me with her and that he had sex with her mdw. Of course he said it wasnt true and the girl was mad cause he stopped talking to her for me. than i heard another rumor that some girl walked in on him and some girl mdw having sex when she was staying at this house ( but with a different girl) the girl who said it didnt want to get invovled and really would have no reason to lie, she didnt even know he had a gf or who i was. He keeps telling me none of its true and that he'll call the girls and flip out. He wrote me 28347234 page letters and what not telling me how much he loves me and never cheated on me. He even has his friends calling me telling me nothing happened and their all lieing. and honestly i dont know what to believe. i would like to think none of its true, but why would someone say they saw him at the phillies game, or a girl come to me and say they did stuff, or another girl say she walked in on him. i heard of rumors, but 3 in the a row? i was just looking for other peoples thoughts about my problem. I would really love to hear what other people had to say about it. thank you!

The truth is you can't usually trust rumors, but three rumors from three different people about three different girls? You kinda have to start wondering if there is something going on, you can't believe his guy friends, they WILL lie for one another and guys lie too. It really comes down to whether or not you trust the guy, truthfully I think he sounds like kind of a jerk, for one: he started talking to a girl to make you jealous after you broke up.
two: you said that you guys had a terrible relationship, he doesn't really sound like he is a very good guy.
three: you don't seem like you want to believe him and if your gut is telling you that he is lying then girl I say believe it.
It really comes down to if you think you can trust him and if you want to risk getting hurt on him. If you don't then I say tell him to hit the road and fine someone worth your time that will be good to you and that you won't have to worry about cheating on you.

Hope I Helped.

Q: what should i do...
the guy i like is like 5 inches shorter than me should i go out with him or not???

I totally know how you feel, my current boyfriend is about an inch shorter than me and at first I was really self-conscious about it, but I realized that I really cared about him and that I didn't care how tall he was. If you really like this guy then I say give him a chance, afterall big things come in small packages, and he may have the biggest heart you will ever come in contact with and he may just end up being the love of your life.

Hope I helped.

Q: Ok so heres the thing. Im 20/f Bisexual. im caught between 2 girls. the first girl ive been w/ for a year and a half now. were technically not together but we live together and basically are but without the title. the second girl is both my and my current girls ex and is now one of our best friends. we all hang out together all the time. neither of them know but i really have strong feelings for the second girl still(both of our ex). sometimes i feel like she has feelings for me too bc like for example we'll all go to the club and shell dance w/ me but she liek grabs my sides real hard and everything and then like if were walkin out and shes behind me shell grab my hand and everything. i kinda try to show her sometimes that i have feelings for her in like little ways like grabbing her hand and squeezing it but i dont know if she realizes. and its not something i can just tell her w/ out my current girl finding out bc im pretty sure the other girl will tell her. i would love to be with this girl but i dont know how she feels about and shes not trustworthy at all. shes cheats on like everyone shes with. even if she did want to be w/ me im not sure if id be willing to give up the girl i have right now. i dunno im just really confused and i dont know what to do. i know this is a long confusing story but i would really appreciate any advice..
thanks!

Well you've been with your current girl for a year and a half now and it could just be that because you have been together for a while you are getting curious about dating other people. I would say that you shouldn't let her go simply because you are still attracted to your ex, I mean she is your ex for a reason. You broke-up with her for something and you even said she wasn't trustworthy, so why ruin something good for something you aren't really sure about. I think that you should stay with your current, unless you completely have no feelings for her anymore and want something new with your ex.

Hope I Helped.

Q: This guy that I met about a year ago got my # and started texting me a lot, but I was already in a relatinship at the time. When my relationship ended, about two weeks later he asked me to hang out with him. Well, it ended up we started dating but only for a month and then he dumped me and gave me a stupid reason for it. We still talked after that, but only as friends.

Just recently, he asked if I was seeing anyone and I told him about the guy I just started dating a couple weeks ago. That's when he told me the "true" reason he dumped me before, in which it was not really his fault, but he was extremely apologetic. And then he asked if we could start over, but I told him I had moved on, and so he said that whatever happens will happen.

The problem is, now he texts/calls me pretty consistently throughout the day, as if I am all he thinks about. I think he may just be trying really hard to get me just because he wants a girlfriend, not because he really misses me. But I begin to think twice about it because if he just wanted a girlfriend then he wouldn't be spending all this time waiting on me because there's plenty of girls willing to hook up with a guy around here. I've only been on a couple dates with the guy I just met. Should I consider giving my ex another shot?

Well that really depends on your feelings, if you miss him and you feel like you want to give him another chance then go for it. Just remember that he did dump you and you said so yourself he may just want a girlfriend and thats why he is trying to get back with you. But he could also miss you, I couldn't tell you because I'm not him, go with your gut and with your heart. If you really like the guy that you are with then you should stay with him, but if you feel like you miss your ex and aren't ready to move on then give him another shot.

Hope I Helped.

Q: aside from the title.. i seem to be having some relationship problems... after 8 months of fun..it seems my bf and I get really mad with eachother very easily.. we've both grown very sensitive..and both love eachother.. but summer is here.. he lives about two hours away from me..and i feel this might break our relationship.. we wont get to see eachother often.. until school starts ( late august).. and this whole problem looks like we're growing tired of eachother when in reality Im NOT... do you think he is? he says he's not, but he has a tendancy of not wanting to hurt my feelings sometimes... =/ please help... if i'm going to lose him.. i'd rather not but if i do i'd rather end my misery than be even more devastated. thanks in advance

I really can't tell you if he IS getting tired of you because I don't know the boy, but when you are in a relationship with someone for a long time you do fight more and things do get more difficult. You both just have to start giving more to the relationship and to one another, you also have to make sure that you are communication; let him know what you are feeling, that way he can maybe help reassure you.
What adds to the difficulty of your relationship is the distance, long distance relationship are 10 times harder than regular relationships, then add the tension of being together a while and it gets tough quick. But if you really care about one another and want to be together then you both are going to have to try and work together to make it work.
Do your best to spend time together, just together, like downtime. Get away from all your stress and just be together. Make a day like and go to his house early, or he can come to yours, and watch movies, play games, just chill out and be together. If all else fails then maybe you guys just need a break, I know thats not what you want but if you both don't start giving it alot then things totally aren't going to work out in the long run.

Hope I Helped & I Hope Things Work Out!

Q: 16/f this boy and i went out for 1 yr 4 mo. I was really in love with him. Some things drove me crazy about him, truly, but I was sure I was going to be with him forever, or close to it.

Last weekend he broke up with me. It was unexpected on my side but apparently he had been "done" for awhile. For the past week things have been very amicable between us. We've talked almost every night. We still called each other our pet names like baby and darling. We still told each other we loved each other.

Until today, when his brother convinced him that that's not good for a just friends relationship (in fact, my other good guy friend and I tell each other we love each other all the time.) So he won't say it to me anymore. He said, "I wish you would stop thinking we're still together." Sadly I think he's true. We got off the phone without saying "I love you," and now he's online apologizing (we fought a bit earlier,) but it doesn't help the fact that I'm still deeply in love with him and I'm trying to deny it to make myself feel better.

I need ideas of things I can do to put my mind at ease. I want to tell him that I love him so badly still, but I won't now because it will hurt our friendship. I need ideas for closure.

Thanks.

Break-ups suck and they are one of the most painful things that any person young or old can go through. Especially, like in your situation, if you weren't ready for the relationship to end.

You shouldn't deny the fact that you love him still, you can't just stop loving someone that quick. You just have to deal with it. Just because you broke up doesn't mean you can't be friends thats true, but sometimes being friends makes it harder for you to let go of him. Being around him may give you closure, but if you find yourself wanting him more and more instead of less and less, then maybe you need some time away from each other. Talk to him in small amounts, try not to hang out with him, hang out with your friends, get a hobby, talk about. Talking helps more than anything. It is going to take a while, but sooner or later you will learn that you can live without him. You'll find out that he isn't worth losing your mind over, things will be okay.

Hope I Helped.

Q: Me-f,16
him-m, 17
we've been for about a year now but we havent went out alone yet on a date we hang around our homes and watch tv or just do random stuff to entertain eachother. We've only taken pictures together twice now and only got1 good picture i feel bad tho because its our first year i want to have pictures and good memories. We've had very good memories without spending money but i just want to go out and do something (im unable to drive) his dadcalled him a cheap date the other day when was there and he almost started crying which me seeing that made me start crying because i cant stand seeing him sad so i pulled him down on me and told him it was ok we dont have to spend money to have fun and i just held him till he felt better.

-do alot of people not go places alot?

im hoping to change this once get a job and car

-does this make us pathetic?

i love him so much but i wanna go ot and have fun

-I want us too take more pictures but he's not good with like the moving he justlikes to sit there and take pictures so they all look the same? :(

-Is it wrong to compare relationships?

His twin brother and girlfriend have been dating for 2 months now and they go everywhere & see eachoher everyday i during the school year only see him once a week & i cry alot just by hearing of thm beingtogether and me not being able to see him im slowly becoming depessed from justnot seeing himif thats possible. Theylive in the same town tho as i live 30 minutes from them. The fact that they get too see eachother allthe time andthey do stuff like go out to eat and go swimming together atleast once a week and ive only went out to eat once n valentines day with him and everywhere else wih friends & only 2 places this whole year :( makes me sad but it doesnt make me love him less.

-What are some things we could go out and do?

Most boys just don't like having their picture taken and they usually get annoyed because girls want to take like 3 million pictures just to get the one that they like. There is really nothing you can do about it, play around with him maybe get him to smile in them and make different faces if you can. He may warm up to it the longer you guys date.

As for seeing each other, yes it can be very hard when neither of you drive and live a little way away from one another. Really all you can do is try and maybe get your parents to maybe meet his parents somewhere in between so you guys can hang out a little bit, go to the movies, go to the mall and just hang out and walk around, go to the local wal-mart and just hang out, you don't have to spend money to have a good time with one another. Maybe you can set aside one day a week when he comes to your house, or you come to his and you guys can just watch a movie, pop some popcorn, play video games, anything. You should have fun as long as you are together.

Hope I Helped.

Q:
When i first met her i began to have butterflies every time i saw her. when we first tease each other and played around my feelings began to grow. when she kept leaning on me i couldnt stop thinking about her. when she gave me pet names i began to blush. she is my frist girl crush. but i couldnt take the confusion anymore. i told her my feelings and she said that she is unsure of her sexuality and not ready for a relationship. i never ask her out but told her that i am bi and i like her. then when i met some guy at a party she got jealous. she said "i dont know if i should be pissed or happy for you" "time will tell for the both of us" i was confused. i ask her if she like me and she ignore the note. i ask again up front she ingore the question, but shook her head no. 2 weeks ago i ask her again in a text and she said "not as of now sorry i see you as a sister" i want to move on becuase she still flirts and confuses me. i dont know what to do.

The reason why i ask her if she like me was because she flirts with me sometimes. the 1st time i ask her that question was last year. then 2 weeks ago this year i ask again. and when she said she was jealous she even said that she was jealous of my last two boyfriends. i want to move on because i dont want to fall for a best friend. i know her for 7 years. and we are both bi curious (she told me she is). we are 21.

It kind of sounds like she is just confused about her sexuality and really doesn't know where she stands with you. She may just be curious about interactions with other girls and wants to try it but is nervous.
She may be jealous because she is used to getting alot of your attention and she doesn't like it being focused on other people. I think that the best bet is for you to just give her sometime to figure things out, move on. Get a boy/girlfriend and have some fun with that, and maybe after a while she will figure out her sexual orientation and you guys can decide what you want to do.

Hope I helped.

Q: well here goes.... this guy n i have been flirtin alot l8ly i know he has a gf and have to say was abit upset however he pays me alot off attention he is 5 years older than me but that has never seemed to matter, we have become sex buddies do u think this is a good thing or bad ? i feel sorry 4 his gf but there is no strings attached its just sex. ???

Personally, I think that is a very bad thing. It can't be healthy to have a simply sex relationship with someone that is 5 years older than you and that also has a girlfriend. This could lead to commitement issues later on in your life. I think you should get out of it and find a nice boy that you really like and begin a good relationship, that may in turn, lead to sex.

Hope I Helped.

Q: My girlfriend and I have been dating for around 4 and a half months. Her parents had no clue we were dating and thought I was just another best friend. She is on vacation right now and her parents found some notes and flowers she took from me. They found out we were dating and had kind of suspected it before. They talked to her and said that its unhealthy since we sometimes argue and in their own opinion to much. I see it different. WE don't fight all the time and plus I hear its healthy and brings two people closer when they fight in the end of things. Look, now I know this relationship won't last forever but I did nothing she says and that she doesn't have feelings for me anymore. She gets harsh with me and is trying to get over me so I can do the same and thats her way of doing things. I can't get over her fast, I think i am in love and she isn't even in town and saying all of this. I saw her last thursday night and we kissed goodbye and that she will see me soon. She was extremely happy with us. Its almost like her parents have put her in this illusion and brain wash thing. She isn't like this at all and has also told me and her best friend that there is a 0% chance of us getting back together which I hope isn't true. It isn't fair to either one of us..I just want to know why she is doing this so fast and painful..

Well she may have been thinking about it for a while, or she is just trying to avoid a conflict with her parents and is therefore breaking it off with you. I think the best thing for you to do is just give her the space she wants, don't pressure her into talking to you, or getting back with you or anything. Let her have this vacation then maybe when she gets back you guys can talk about it and decide whether you want to just be friends, or maybe try the relationship againg.

Try and keep your mind off of things, hang out with friends, get a hobby, and talk to people about it. Talking helps you get alot of things out into the open and it often helps you cope with the problem.

Hope I Helped.

Q: So, ok im f/14. IM SORRY THIS IS LONG
My boyfriend and i have been together for a year, and nine months.
Recently i have become extremely annoyed by him. We used to be able to talk for an hour or more on the phone and now i dont want to even pic up the phone and call him. but when i do, we have nothing to talk about. He talks about movies and video games i've nevr heard of, and he's not into anything i am.

We are both in our schools orchestra(acctually we are the only ones in our grade) We never were taught to the best we could be, because we were only 2 people. Next year in high school we will be with the other grades of orchestra, and i (although i have been busy this summer, and havent had time) try to practice and get better, he just says it deserves to get bad, and its the teachers fault.
We argue about alot, we have different views on almost everything. LIke he complains that his family is broke and might loose their house, but they own TONS of video games and movies, i say why dont you sell some of them, and he says no, would you rather have a family thats happy, or one thats bored?
BUT YOU WONT BE ABLE TO BE TOGETHER IF YOU LOOSE YOUR HOUSE!

He doesnt make sense in the way he thinks, and i've just lost the want of him. He tells me how much he wants me, and stuff (like.. sexual stuff)
And i dont care anymore.
I think i might like another guy, but even if i dont, i still dont really want to be with the guy im with now. But he says imthe only reason he has to live, and if i break up with him, i dont want him to commit suicide!
Please tell me what to do! and how to break up with him gently (and ways to help me get enough courage to break up with him)

Thank you SOOO much!!!

First off, you shouldn't be with someone if it doesn't make you happy and you don't want to be with them. In the long run that is just going to hurt them more than a break-up now will.

Second, someone who is going to commit suicide 90% of the time is not going to tell everyone they are thinking about it. Sure he is going to be hurt if you break-up with him, but 9 times out of 10 he won't commit suicide. My ex-boyfriend of 3 years said he was going to commit suicide if I ever broke up with him and that kept me with him for a good while, but in the end I realized that I deserved to be happy and that if he cared like he said he would let me be happy. Even if you do think he is capable of it you shouldn't stay with him simply because of that fact, you deserve to be happy not stuck in a relationship you don't want to be in.
I think you should sit him down and let him know that you just believe the two of you are growing in two different directions. Let him know that you still care about him, but just don't feel like you used to about him. Tell him that if he really cares about you the way he says he does then he will just you let you go, and if things are meant to be then they will work out. Be gentle with him, but be firm at the same time.

Hope I Helped.

bio

I am a 19 year old female. I am the least judgmental person you will ever meet. I am funny. I am free-willed. I am a lover. I am a friend. I have been through alot & many people call me their guru. & I will try to give you the healthiest advice possible. I may be young but I have a lot of life experiences in many areas, and since my career will be giving advice I figured I'd give a head start. I can be blunt and will give you my honest opinion, although I will do it in a nice way.
I am married to an amazing guy, we have been together since my Junior year & we can't be happier. I have 2 dogs & they are my babies, life wouldnt be the same without them. I am going into my 2nd year of college, I plan to get a degree in Radiology.

I am currently really busy in my life but I will answer any and all questions that are sent to my inbox. I do my best to get on & answer as many questions as possible whenever I am on. If you wish for me to answer one of your questions please submit them. Thanks.