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Break up
I want to break up with my long distance relationship. There's no real reason..I honestly just don't feel like being in a relationship anymore. I live in the US, he in the Uk. I'm 19, he's 21. We've never met yet, been dating 8 months. He wants me to visit this summer.
I like him, but I don't love him. He LOVES me, he's actually obsessed. It freaks me out in a way. I tried breaking up with him earlier this week by using excuses about school, and he started crying for about 2 hours. So, I gave in. He told me he couldn't breathe, and that he'd come down here immediately and such. I don't WANT that, I'm scared if I break up with him that he'll show up at my door.
He's a very fragile guy, it took him 2 years to get over his ex, and he still talks about how he never thought he'd love again, blah blah, but then he found me. :/ I do like him, but I want to be free. I hate staying inside all day on the computer to talk to him, I want my life back. I know if I tell him this that he'll have some solution, like: you can go with your friends, or spend less time with me!
Basically, I don't want to be sucked in again. I want to break up with him, not lead him on with false hopes. Can you PLEASE tell me how to go about this? I've been struggling with it for about a month. I want to end it, cut all contact. But, what do I do when he starts crying? I'm not a heartless person, I don't know if I can just hang up on him. Ahh, please help!!!
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Hi, thanks for the inbox question :)
Well first of all, you even said it yourself, "he's actually obsessed", "it freaks me out", and "I'm scared if I break up with him that he'll show up at my door". Obviously, it's clear to both you and I that your significant other in this relationship handles things in an unhealthy manner. You say it's long distant, so ok, that's great! And before I give you my advice, I'd like to say don't let this man manipulate you. Yes, it's possible to fall in love with someone without ever meeting them in person, but it seems to me that he's using his emotions to manipulate you. When I was younger, I was dating a man who literally kneeled on the floor, begging me to not leave him. Little did I know, he was cheating on me, playing me everyday.. Which is why I'm saying don't let him manipulate you with his emotions.
Now, have you ever given him your address? Home phone number? Any personal info of that sort? If you have, then that is a very big problem. He may live in the UK, but you never know what he's capable of doing. I don't mean to freak you out, but what if he has friends around your area checking up on you? These are the things we must think about before we do anything, like give away info and whatnot. ***Hypothetically, if you cut contact with him, and he ends up stalking you, it's time to inform whoever lives with you and the authorities.***
About the breaking up with him, just do it. I know it's hard, I know you feel bad when he tells you he's hurt, he can't live without you and that you're his everything. But you need to do this for YOURSELF. He cannot make you be in a relationship with him. No one can make you do anything you don't want to do. With that said...
Simply go with the same excuse you did before. Tell him you're not ready for a serious relationship, especially a long distance one. Tell him you need time to yourself, and for school. Let him know that you simply cannot keep in contact with him, and to please respect your wishes. If at this point he starts to get aggravated and threatening, that's your cue to decipher how dangerous he can be. Most guys will cry (but keep it to themselves), or let you go because their pride controls them... But a guy who gets angry or intimidates you (even with his emotions) clearly needs help.
Perhaps you'd like to hear my story? I was young, 14, naive, dating an older guy, who was 18. This guy definitely lacked in the looks department, but he insisted that I go out with him, so I did. But something just wasn't right. Little by little, I wanted to break away... And every time I tried, he cried. He begged. He would come to my house and get on his knees to take him back. And I did. Until one day, he came clean (with only HALF the things he'd done), and we broke up. He went to rehab, and I moved on (happily!). He kept calling, messaging, and looking for different types of ways to talk to me. And I always ignored him. Eventually my bf came into the picture, and me and him have been together for 2 and a half years already. Occasionally, my ex tries to add me on a social networking site, or emails me, but I make sure I NEVER reply. Once you cut them out, you can't give in. And PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN. putting your foot down DOES NOT mean you're heartless hun. Good luck! And if you need anything, feel free to message me.
Uniq :)
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Well friend, from the way you are talking about this guy -- he is certainly not the most emotionally stable person, especially for someone you haven't met. I think it would be a great idea for you to break up with him because he seems to be controlling, by giving you guilt trips when you want to break up with him (like crying, acting as though he cannot breathe, etc.) and no good boyfriend would do that.
I definitely agree with you that you should take your life back and put yourself in control; not him. He's very sensitive, but he's going even further with the controlling, desperate/needy bit that he's pulling on you and I hate to see you going through this type of relationship -- so I am very proud of you that you realizing it's time to get your life back.
Here's what you need to do, it may be difficult, but I think it's important so you do not have to worry about the guilt trips: I wouldn't normally recommend a break-up by email, but considering the circumstances...You need to email him and tell him that you feel it would be best if you two broke up for various reasons and it would also be best if you two stopped contacting one another. To soften the blow, tell him that you do like him, but unfortunately, you do not share the same feelings as he does.
Second, you need to (after sending the email) block his email address so that he cannot email you back and the break-up will be final. Now, that will solve your break-up issue friend, however, my concern is that you say you are afraid he will "show up at your door" so I am assuming that he knows your address. This bothers me because as "fragile" as he seems to be, he may do this, so just be careful about answering your door and if you happen to see him in your town or near you -- you might consider a restraining order. It would be unfortunate, but if that does happen, it is essential.
Lastly, just incase he may have your phone number, you probably will want to block his number and/or change your number -- just to be safe and to totally cut contact.
Well my friend, I am very glad that you came to me for advice and I hope that I have helped you. If you need more help, feel free to send another question and/or update in my inbox. Things will work out, just remember, cut all contact and just send the email then block the email -- that way, he cannot say anything to make you give in.
Sincerely, LB
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Well first of all you have to break up with him even if it breaks his heart otherwise he's going to keep using the excuse of him crying over you and making you feel sorry for him and what not but obviously you dont want to be too harsh either so what i suggest you do is talk to him and tell him that you know he loves you but you just cant be in a relationship right now and that you just want to be friends and that you can still talk once in awhile. And tell him that he will find someone else and he shouldnt do anything stupid because not everyone is meant to be together and sometimes people just dont click and its only fair that the person who doesnt feel anything in the relationship end it there so they dont lead the other person on. Now im hoping you didnt give this guy your address or personal information but if you did you might want to add that you dont want him to come to your place because that would only make things harder for you and him basically you just need to tell him he has to move on and this is the only way i can think of doing it without totally crushing him. Good luck let me know how it goes and feel free to message me again :D
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If you have never met it's not a relationship. You're free to do what you want and were from the start. It sounds like he's a very disturbed person indeed.
He will say anything to you to get you to give him the attention he wants. What disturbs me is that he said he would get on a plane in an instant to be at your front door. That much scares me considerably.
Look, you don't owe this guy anything at all be it friendship or whatever. He's a bit of a head case. quite possibly he's older than he says and looking to pray on vulnerable women or even teens. He could be really bad news.
What do you do? 1) Archive every single text, e-mail or voice-mail he has ever sent and print those out. 2) Tell your parents the TRUTH about this icky situation and let them deal with it. 3) HAVE ZERO contact with him even if that means your parents control what you do online. Which they should here. You can get in a ton of shit you can't get out of.
4) If he continues phoning, e-mailing etc call your service provider to see what they can do and even police about his threat of coming to your door and let them locate him. File harassment charges if need be.
I think if he sees you aren't responding that he'll give up and move on. We hope that much as some delusional people won't "get it".
The most important thing you need and I'm not saying this to be cruel is professional help from a psychiatrist. You need help if you're on the computer 24/7 with him and not living normally. That's not medically right or good for mental health.
It's the right thing to do to have no contact with him and tell your parents ALL of IT and get help for yourself. It hasn't a thing to do with being heartless as this person will say anything to keep you in his web. You'd be extremely crazy if you did anything less with this situation. It's for your own safety too.
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This is a very difficult situation.
I think your reasoning is this: You want to be free. You're tired of not living your life and you're tired of always sitting around on the computer. You want to do things differently.
You really need to be straight forward with him. Just tell him that you cannot be in this relationship anymore. Tell him that it's nothing against him, but that you want to be single and live your life.
Make sure he knows that it's not your intention to hurt him, but that you're really not wanting to continue contact so that you can live life freely.
You just need to be honest, and assertive. If he starts to cry, you need to ask him to stop because he is making this more difficult than it needs to be. Just try your best to be honest, and then change your e-mail, sn, etc.
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Breakups are never easy, but they are sometimes neccessary. It doesn't make you heartless to break up with a person that you honestly don't want to be with. It would be heartless to stay with him when you really don't want to. That will make you resentful and will probably lead to you hurting him whether unintentional or not. You need to just end it.
Lucky for you it is a long distance relationship. That means once the deed is done you never have to see him again. Are you really afraid he would show up at your door? You said you two have never met, so maybe it's just talk. Either way, tell someone you trust about your concerns if it will make you feel safer.
When you call him, don't beat around the bush. Just tell him it's over. If he asks why, just tell him you don't want to be in a relationship anymore. Then drop it. You don't owe him anymore of an explanation past that.
If he gets creepy, insists on bugging you, or doesn't take no for an answer, you will have to get firm. Say something like, "I hate to be mean, but it's over and I am not changing my mind. You will move on. Don't call me, don't email, don't text me, leave me alone." If things get more serious and he threaten to come to your house, tell him you have already told your family to keep an eye out for him, and they won't let him near you. If he still insists, tell him you will get a restraining order if neccessary. Then hang up. The only way not to be heartless is to ignore his calls, emails, messages, etc. because more or likely he will send them. It's best to end all communications after you tell him it's over.
Good luck!
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ANd he will continue to cry because it is gaining for him what he wants. You! But he did get over his last girlfriend even though it took two years. He didn't kill himself and eventually he found you. And eventually he will find someone else.
You are smart to want to break this off, and it is certainly understandable. But I am sorry, if he is going to be this sensitive about it, I don't see any way that you can do it that will make it less traumatic for him. But he is choosing to make it a "life or death" situation. And he is choosing to believe that he can't live wihtout out. He is making those choices. He can choose also, to be emotionally healthy and know that no one, absolutely no one, has the right to control another human being. This is America, and the have the same laws in the UK, you, girl, have the right to break this off if it is not working for you.
You are choosing to let him control you, so you have to choose to not let him do that anymore. You are not responsible for his happiness. This is a good lesson to learn for the future. You are not responsible for anyone's happiness, and no one is responsible for yours. If you can't be happy without a certain person in your life, then you are just like him and you'll make some guy crazy some day, when he wants to break it off.
SO you have to do this. It will make you stronger. You have rights, and you don't want to be in this realtionship anymore. And I strongly urge you to go through with this. Because he sound like an emotionally unstable person, and that is not what you want in a partner.
BUT HERE IS THE HARD PART. You may have to change ALL of your on-line identities. Your email, facebook, my space. EVERYTHING. Just close them all, and start all over again. I know that is a real pain. But I don't see how you can avoid him if you don't.
Look how silly you are being now. You are stuck in the house all day, at the computer because he gets upset when he is not talking to you, etc. etc. You are not chained to that chair. You are not locked inside that room. You are keeping yourself there. Turn it off, go out. Have a great time. And I don't think you are not a heartless person. He is heartless for trying to control you. Don't let anyone do that to you again.
This guy is trouble, thank your lucky stars that he does live all the way in the UK. There are a LOT of sick people out there honey, protect yourself. Take time to get to know someone.
You can try breaking it off, and hoping he won't bother you, but I think in the end, you'll have to close all your on-line social accounts, in order for him to get the message that you are no longer intersted in him.
A normal young man would understand that he has not right to expect anything from you that you are not willing to give, and ANYTIME you want to change a romantic relationship into one of just being FRIENDS, that is your right to do so. SO if you just date guys that respect you and respect that you have basic human rights....well they may be dissapointed to let you go too, but at least they will let you go.
Good luck to you dear.
Michele
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First of all.. long distance relationships are HARD! I tried dating a guy that lived just a few hours away and it didn't work out.
Second, a relationship with someone you don't know can be scary. If he is acting obsessive and you are scared to break up with him, let someone know. It sounds like he has gone beyond obsessive. It is going to be hard, most definitely, but it needs to be done if you want to be freed.
You need to tell him that your feelings just aren't the same and you need your freedom. He probably will cry and you are just going to have to be strong. It isn't heartless to leave someone like that when it is in your best interest. Just be strong and explain to him what you just told me and if he cares at all about you then he will understand. Don't let him pressure you into anything! If you are truly scared he will come to your house, MAKE SURE SOMEONE KNOWS what is going on. Keep your house locked up when you are not there and maybe even when you are. It wouldn't really hurt to have some pepper spray JUST IN CASE.
Also don't give him excuses just the truth. If you need any other advice, please feel free to ask me. I hope this all helped you out and if there is anything I did not cover, please, ask me specifically so I can try to help you out.
Best of luck! Be strong!
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I don't have any good advice to give, and I'll save us both the trouble of half-assing it.
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What you should do is ask her.
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I think you should tell him that things weren't meant to be between you two and even though things aren't meant to be that doesn't mean he should give up on love completely he'll always have plenty of chances to date and there's plenty of other girls out there besides you he can't force something that isn't meant to be make him realize that even though you don't want to be harsh he needs to hear the truth i don't think he'll show up at your door seeing as he's in the UK & your in the US only way that is possible is if he knows your exact location of where you live if your that scared alert the police in your area tell the boy long distance relationships usually don't work out & it's better to see someone in person face to face there's no point in staying in a relationship if you aren't happy & your miserable(:
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just close the damn computer and go out! have fun girl! tbh, it's better if he shows up to the states, 1) it shows he does really care for you, 2)then you'll feel like in a relationship because now he's physically there with you. but i dont appreciate a guy's tears if he's only gonna tie you down, so if you dont have feelings for the poor guy, dont give him false hopes and let go. both you and him will be happier in the future.
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well then why dont you go out why is he holding you back from going out he doesnt live next door. if hes online and your not what is going to do. if the more you go out and less on the computer and phone hell get upset and mad about it. but be busy and when you finally talk to him be like ive had a great time going out i havnt done this in so long i love not being attached to he computer all the time. its just a lil hint your starting to get over him. he should give up eventually. as sketchy as your going to be and this sounds it might work.
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Hmm you have a tough situation but ive been there before. The only thing i cn say is show him you are not the one for him. show him hes wrong dont be mean but be different. the way he wont like you. sorry i dont know if this helps
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You're obviously not a heartless person, since this is worrying you so much. But you've managed to become entangled with a very manipulative person. He is using your compassion and caring against you. He knows you have a soft heart and he can basically bully you with his tears. So, you've tried to be kind and talk to him about it, but he traps you on the phone. So as bad as this sounds, you're going to have to send him an email. Say everything you've wanted to say, tell him you're writing because you feel he manipulates you when you call, and please don't call or text anymore because you've made up your mind. It may feel heartless, but you've tried every other way. What happens next is his doing, not yours. You are not a bad person. You just got tired of a long distance relationship. End of story. It happens, so give yourself a break and don't prolong this any longer.
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First, you need to understand his perspective.
He "loves you". This is complete bullshit. I'm not saying he isn't fully convinced that he loves you, but he in fact does not. You hit it right on the head at the start of the question.
Obsession.
Understand that this guy has probably never had any real serious relationship. It takes someone like that to convince themselves that they're in love with a person they've never met in real life. Yeah, he probably is fragile. That isn't your fault, and its not your cross to bear from across the Atlantic.
Its going to take a little heartlessness now to avoid this getting any worse, because the bottom line is that you've already reached the conclusion that this relationship isn't going anywhere and you wouldn't want it to if it was. In the long run, ending it now is a hell of alot nicer than enabling his obsession.
Be honest with him. Set out a block of a few hours for you to talk it over with him. Be prepared to not waver in the slightest the entire time, because he will seize upon any hesitation he senses in you and will pretend there's hesitation if he can't detect any. Understand that he is delusional and will approach the situation from a "I'll say I'll do anything to not be single"
That means, your break up needs to be because you don't want to date him anymore, not because of distance or any other reason. You need to tell him that you don't want a relationship right now, and that you would not continue dating (not you don't want to, you _will_not_) if you did. If he brings up showing up, tell him that you do not want him to come.
Its absolutely essential that you put up the "I don't want to be with you" message and do not back down from it. You don't have to be cruel, but you do need to be honest. He'll probably hate you for it, but he's in the UK.
If he ever shows up at your door, tell him to leave and that if he doesn't you'll call the cops. Coming to another country to stalk you is a level of dangerous obsession you do not want to invite into your life, so once you break it off if he ever shows up do not open your door to him.
After the conversation, block his e-mail and change your phone number. And hopefully you haven't sent him any racy pictures, because they're almost certainly going to end up on the internet.
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