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Communication and trust issues
I met this guy 4 years ago. I am in my late 20's and he is in his early 30's. We hit it off. He was everything I was looking for; attractive, charming, sweet, succesful, and loving. 3 months into it he changes into a cocky, disrespectful person. Apparently he had another girlfriend. I suffered as the other woman for almost 3 years. I knew what I needed was to leave, but I didn't. Actually throughout those 3 years, we were on and off. It is now into the 4th year and he has made some changes. I think and feel like he is only seeing me. When we're together, we are deeply in love. We laugh, we enjoy each others company, We are so happy together. And I mean literally "together". He is a very busy guy, so when we're apart...we do not get along. Because I already have trust issues considering he disrespected and cheated in the part, I would think that he would try his hardest to communicate. Of course, he doesnt. Some nights he simply doesnt return my calls. His excuse the next morning is he had a long day and he was tired. I really think that he is not cheating, but I feel like I deserve to be communicated with. Would counseling be worth our time? Is our relationship savageable? I am deeply in love with him. Please help.
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im so sorry everyone on here is being so harsh on you. i dont think its your fault at all. i do think you should break it off with this guy, once and for all. you could try doing it gradually. start by not sleeping with him, then only talk to him for an hour a day, so its not a total shock to your system. baby steps, i always say!
then, invest your time in the things you love. dont know what you love? go find things you love! spend time outdoors, with your friends and family. read.
it will hurt, but you will get over him. he will become history.
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i think you need to make more friends. This guy may love another women, too.
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Your problem is not with this guy, it’s with you. By all accounts you have indicated that you and this man have different priorities in the relationship. If you are in any type of relationship with someone where you are both not on the same page, there is certain to be conflict. Ideally you will experience more harmony if you were involved with someone whose priorities where similar to yours. So it appears that you are in a passive power struggle to change someone whom you have no power over. Discuss your expectations with your guy friend, and if you feel that you are not strong enough, to hear him say something you don’t want to hear, perhaps you should consider couples counseling. P.S. If you find yourself, routinely in love with someone, who doesn’t share the same feelings for you, then you might want to consider looking into love addiction.
Good luck.
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smh, lmao, rofl, I'm sorry... believe me but please understand Im not laughing at you.. I'm actually laughing with you... I'm gonna presume the following are true...You are not a priority on his list. He probably does loves you or loves the time you spend together. He's not only seeing you. His outward disrespect came after he had his fill of you in the bedroom. When you're are together, of course you're gonna have a good time, cuz you not gonna see him until he wants to see you and because you're more emotionally invested into yall "friendship" than he is. You say he's a busy guy? No, he just doesn't wanna or need to see you, his priorities takes precedent and he figures... you gonna always be there for him.. as more than a casual friend
I would continue on.. but I'm not because theres are so many alternative responses that you have here.. and besides to be attracted and to deal with an ' attractive, charming, sweet, succesful and loving" guy, I natuarally assume you possess those qualities within yourself. So more likely than not.. you already thought about theseresponses to yourself, it just so happen to be the other side of the love coin that no one really wants to see, hear, address or deal with in your case. But in regards to your questions at hand... "Would conseling be worth our time? Is our relationship savageable?"... C'mon now be serious. If he can't even return your calls or see you on a regular basis... what makes you think he has "time" to
go to counseling with you? As for it being salvageable.. its possible but unlikely without you expressing how you feel about the situation and him telling you where he stands with you. I believe you are deeply in love with him because only love can make you think twice or hard about accepting a no good asshole. Don't contact him at all and if he doesnt contact you neither then you know how much he loves or "cares" for you afterall...... It will hurt and it'll be hard, but you'll grow to be smarter and make wiser decisions when it comes to "future men" in your life. It also prepare you to accept nothing equally bad or less and began nuilding your resistance to the soft spot that you have for him. Besides, if its all about sex for him, then offer him what he's offering you without the emotions. You'll eventually grow apart gradually and it may not be no where close to what you want... but it can be what you need if he's not willing to be there for you when you want ~OR~ need him. Sometimes, it will be better to follow your thoughts over your heart. Hope this helps.
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Well, I will try to help you without telling you what to do. He did cheat on his girfriend in the past, but I do not know how much he has changed, nor do I know the whole situation. You need to know how serious he is with this relationship and if you and him are on the same page. Do you want a long term relationship? If so, find out if he does. Couple's counseling or therapy seems like a fine idea if you find a helpful and supportive therapist, but it could only help to a certain extent. The rest is up to both of you. Also, if he is wiling to go to counseling with you, that shows how he is wiling to work it out, not that it proves it will all work out, but it shows that he is trying. You both need to evaluate the relationship and decide if you both want to same things. For example, do you want to eventually get married and have a family (If not now, in the future)? So figure out what you are looking for and what he is looking for. The fact that he is too busy to call you could mean that he really is busy or could mean he is making excuses, but just find out by discussing it with him. Communication is key. But take my advice on this; if you want a long term relationship and he seems to want different, don't waste your time with him.
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Here's my two cents. I've read some of the other good replies. Obviously you have a low self esteem. I say get counseling for yourself. He's got issues too but don't worry about him, he didn't worry about you when havening sex with another woman. If you want to continue to be a cuckold then stay with him. You asked if this relationship is salvageable. Hell no! Most of the time, once a cheater always a cheater. I can hear him now, "Oh baby, pleeease don't leave me!! I love you, I am sooo sorry!" He's a player.
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Come on lady,your pathetic.Why are you with this loser? You can't find anyone better? He lies to you,he cheats on you,he treats you with disrespect.He's walking all over you.Your his door mat,a whipping post.Drop this Bastard like a hot poker,and don't give me the female whine, "But I love him" crap.He doesn't love you.All you are to him is a piece of butt.Lets just face the facts.I bet your much better and can get better.Take a look at yourself.Do like every other woman,stand in front of the mirror and check yourself out.Make some mental notes.Do you need to lose some weight?Maybe not.Ask yourself what can I change,my hair color,The clothes I'm wear.Tell yourself that I'm good looking and I don't need this 'JERK' in my life.There are tons of guys in this world and there is one or two or maybe three who will make me happy all the time,if we are together or not.I know that we all have to work and can't be together 24-7, but I can trust him either way.I know that he will call me just to say "I miss you",Maybe "I love you".I just called so I can "hear your voice" before I go to sleep.I'm so mad at you,I can hardly type. March 26--A lot of my friends(who also read this page) told me that My answer to this woman was too harsh.I should have been more considerate of her feelings.All day today I really thought about it.Should have I somehow sugar coated my answer.I think I did the right thing and said what needed to be said.You heard of tough love for kids,well this is just the way I feel she needed to hear.Here is a almost 30 year old,who at this age most other women are teaching their own daughters about men and romance.This woman whoever she is needs to be told the truth,no matter how hard.She is an adult and should be able to handle it.She can cry,throw things and do the female thing but the truth and/or problem is still going to exist.I know that women stick together like a bunch of nuns or is it sisterhood,the unspoken club around the world that really dislikes the male gender,but still needs them.Many of my answers are to the point.I can't think of any reasons why a woman will stay in a relationship if she is being abused.A woman has a lot of choices,Go home,go to a girlfriends house for a few days.There are women shelters in every city.Get a restraining order if he's not controllable.That also goes for the married women but at least they can keep the house.I hope this explanation will satisfy the softies out there and that includes my co-workers.
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After three years of being 'the other woman' what has changed? Seriously. What are these 'some changes' you've mentioned? He stopped fucking other people... excuse me whilst I am moved to tears of joy by that small kindness.
You already know what is going on here. You are dating a deeply self-involved man who is only occasionally respectful of your feelings as a 'favor' to you or to 'placate' you. His perception of the universe is so warped and deeply egotistical, that even if he never does cheat on you again, he'll likely never view you as an equal in this relationship or have a basic understanding of your needs.
Maybe you are expecting too much of him, but that makes him a person with very little to give, it doesn't make your expectations unfair.
Go to counseling, with or without him. Either way, it will help give you the strength to end this one-sided relationship. If you go with him, you'll likely quickly see just how little love he has for you. Without him, you might start to find a bit of love for yourself.
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hey, i know love makes you blind and that's what've happened with you :/. maybe he is not cheating right now, i dont know that, but you dont seem very happy to me are you? :( and dont you think you deserve a guy who cares, and who doesnt act like an idiot and makes excuses? of course its no big deal if he does it once or twice.[: but if he almost never returns your calls? does he ever make an effort by meeting up or organizing a nice date? and come on...he cheated on you :O...even tho it was a longer time ago it still wasnt a nice thing to do. and that he dared to hurt your feelings like that ONCE is bad enough :[. dont you think youre more worth then that? i think you have to believe in yourself more. i know it might be hard to get over him but i feel like youre not even trying are you? :/ i think you deffinetly should. there are so many sweet guys out there who wouldnt dare to hurt you like that.
i mean seriously, just the fact that he broke your heart ONCE is bad enough. youre so much better than that trust me!:) nobody is worth being treated that way and i KNOW that you deserve more and once you get out there you can actually find someone who's going to make you so so happy!!!:D:D isnt that the best thing that could happen? it it wont, if you keep hanging on to the guy. i'm sorry but i'm pretty sure that thats the truth. :/
hope i helped a little tho. :):) xx
loads of luck!!
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If this guy has cheated before, what makes you think he won't do it again? Just because he acts like he's changed (chances are, he hasn't) doesn't mean that he has and that your relationship is going to be wonderful. In all honesty, you have what I call a relationSHIT. He doesn't call, or make an effort to call. Then when you question it, he makes up some lame excuse. He doesn't even put effort into it. Honestly, the relationship is only good when you're together. I had a boyfriend like that, and after a week I couldn't take it so I told him to fuck off.
Seriously though, once a cheater - always a cheater. Kick him to the curb and go date someone who treats you like a queen. You can do better & you know it. You just settle for shit guys because that's what you only think you can get.
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Move on. Honestly, he is never going to feel
for you what you feel for him. He is using
you because you allow it. He has treated you
like shit for 4 years now and while you get
mad and break up for a bit, you always come
running back to be stomped on again. By
allowing him to use you when you knew he
was in a relationship 4 years ago sealed
your fate with this guy.
Stop torturing yourself. My bet is he wouldn't
even consider counseling with you. This
relationship is not a healthy one for you.
You are the go to gal when nobody else is
available.
Life is short. Spend time looking for a man
who will give you the love you deserve.
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Woman, please.
You have a great deal of wool over your eyes if you honestly think he isn't up to the same routine he has preformed for the last 3 years of your so-called "relationship."
Yah. Sure. Deeply in love when he's with you. Who is he deeply in love with when he isn't with you? Must be someone, or else why ignore your calls and make excuses?
Of course you have trust issues. If you didn't, you'd be a fool. Why should you trust him? The answer is YOU SHOULDN'T.
Of course you deserve to be communicated with. You deserve to stop wasting your time with this jerk and go find yourself a man who respects you and communicates and doesn't cheat and puts you FIRST.
You deserve a healthy, meaningful relationship, which you aren't getting with this guy. Being put second for going on 4 years now, you WON'T get that with this guy. Counseling or not.
So yah, you needed to leave. You still do.
Sorry if I come off as cross, but I gotta do something to bring your head out of the clouds.
You deserve to be deeply in love with someone who feels the same about you.
You deserve BETTER. Period.
ygs-29/f
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If you want to know if he really cares for you and is not cheating, than stop having sex with him. He is in total control of you and this relationship isn't he? He is most likely still cheating on you with any number of women if he has before. You have a role in your misery, too. You are making it possible for him to treat you like crap while having his cake and eating it, too. Love, and especially one-sided love is never enough to make a relationship healthy or to make it work. It is suffocating you to carry this burden around. You can try to get him into counseling, but I would be surprised if he went. Do get yourself there immediately and save yourself. Then, you will be free to choose a healthy relationship with someone who is emotionally and physically available and just as invested as you are. Once you realize how unfairly you have been treated, your feelings about this will change...you won't feel desperate and weak anymore. You will let yourself discover your anger, which is the key you need to free yourself and start over as a whole person. Please get into counseling no matter what else you decide. You are still very young and have many more opportunities for real love. Bless you on your journey.
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Being deeply in love clouds judgment and doesnt let us see what is best for us. Maybe some distance or some testing of new waters might clear things up. I was in a similar situation, I started "walking in his shoes" and realized that there are better people out there than him and that there is no such thing as "i was tired" its more like " i was out with someone tired". He couldn't find someone better, and kept asking me back. Chances are if you seem to not know what to do, you really do. If someone cheats once, they will do it again and if they play like they were tired, they are cheating. I have been on both sides of it.
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