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Cancer
Sorry it's long, but please try to help.
This might be confusing, so if it is, sorry. But this girl I've known since 6th grade,(I'm now a freshman, grade 9) Brittany, and have had classes with since 7th, and became friends with this year, well her mom had a tumor in her eye. And Brittany's mom had it removed about a week ago. And she had to have her head shaved because they were doing surgery going through her head. Well, lately Brittany has been getting upset a lot in class, and I want to try to cheer her up, and make her happy, but her mom might be dying because the surgery didn't go to well, she's recovering, but not the best way possible, so I have a few questions.
1.) What can I say to her to comfort her, she knows I give advice, and a lot of times she asks me, but when it comes to a personal friend, it's hard
2.) This really weird teacher that none of us like who is a lesbian (not saying that's bad, but... it's weird w/ what she's been doing) Well, she, w/o Britt's permission, told the whole class about Britt's mom, and Britt ran out crying, and we didn't know how to comfort her. And then that teacher gave Britt her cell phone number, and was like call me, and don't leave a message, keep calling until you reach me, so I was wondering, is that okay for a teacher to do that? None of us like her, and Britt said she asked 2 teachers about it, and they said it wasn't normal, but Britt does tend to over exaggerate, or lie about things (she's really popular, and does whatever she can to boost the popularity, I didn't like her until this year b/c I always thought she had a perfect life and was concieted, b/c she's really rich and stuff, but now that I've gotten to know her, I've realized why she acts that way.)
3.) We're only 14, and freshman in high school. I don't associate with her that much outside of school, unless it's at a game, or if we see each other at the mall, like I don't invite her to the mall with me and my friends, but if we see each other, we talk, and/or walk around w/ each other. So please, help me try to comfort her, and is it right for that teacher to be doing what she's doing? What can I do to help, or what can I say. Also are there any gifts I could give her for x-mas that might make her feel better, or might make her laugh, or smile? I'm not trying to be weird, or act gay, but it's been so long since I've seen her smile, and it's been so long since I've heard her laugh. She's cut her wrists in the past, and I don't want her to use self-harm again, and I'm afraid about with what's going on with her mom, she might go farther than just cutting her wrists.
Oh, and about the whole teacher thing, we don't know how that teacher found out, Brittany didn't say anything to her, we figure she must've overheard Britt telling one of us. Please, any help would be appreciated! And if you're one of those people that like to leave sarcastic, or rude advice, I could do with a good laugh, so make it funny. Thanks in advance for all the help. And again, sorry it's so long.
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getting her something just to cheer her up might not be the right thing. i know that your trying to be an awesome friend, but what she probly just wants is like to be normal again. presents dotn help always, but maybe what she needs is just a little time with a few of yalls friends on a friday night just hanging out and talking! totally stress free! and i agree, that teacher is a total bitch and it was totally not right that she told the whole class that. i know that we all tend to get a little caught up in the moment but COME ON! ugh, sorry i just had to say that! ok but yah, back to the question, if you really want to see her smile then just act normal around her, no special treatment. even if you dont mean to i'm sure you do, i have before and i'm sure everyone else too! i hope her mom gets better; she'll be in my prayers!
hope i helped!
~Haley~
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Hi Sweetie,
The situation is far too delicate... Advice is hard for something that delicate, actually. If she asks for advice tell her to keep her faith. That's all that life really is... that's all that keeps the images and sirits of people alive... Tell her to expres her feelings the way they are... if she's sad, offer her your shoulder to cry on, if she's mad, offer to listen without judging, and if she's confused hug her and remind her the people that care about her will be there for her. Know when she needs space and when she needs to talk. Don't ressure her, just give her time. Everyone finds that figuring this out is one of the most difficult things in life.
About the teacher... what she did was extremely wrong. Maybe she got a call or something that informed her of the situation... but neverless the situation-being so delicate-should be kept private. This must be immidietly broughten up to the principle. THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR WHAT SHE DID. Not even ignorance. She failed to respect her student's privacy. About giving Brittany her phone number... that's rather innappropriate, in my opinion. It's not her place to give councling (she obviously doesn't understand feelings). She can offer help but what she did was too... forward, I guess. What she should had done was APOLOGYZE to Brittany. I have anger in me so I'm sorry, I'm going to take my own advice and express my feelings how they are. THAT TEACHER IS A BITCH!
Inviting her over to do something with you and your friends might be a good idea... as long as you all act normal around her. It would even help, too. Although she probably wants to spend most of her time with her mom, so don't feel rejected if she says she doesn't want to hang out. Ask her again some other time. Or tell ehr the invitation is open for whenever she has time. Christmas presents... well whatever you get her give her a funny card to go with it. I love funny cards! Maybe the 10 Reasons You Are Special... 1 - You Don't Have Coties type of thing. A trip or vacation for her and her mom would be great but I'm sure you don't have that type of money... *hint hint* ... losts of organizations give you trips and stuff if you... ask nicely... the Make A Wish type of thing.
I hope a miracle happens... My best wishes! P.S. Happy Pupil Free Day! ~Blessed Be...
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She's just needs someone to be there for her right now. You can't say anything to make her feel better, but ask her if there is something you can do. She'll most likely say no, but she'll know you are willing to help. Give her you're phone number and tell her to call if she needs to talk. Don't push anything and try not to be pitying. Just be willing to listen. This isn't something you can fix.
The teacher is being extremely unprofessional. The way she arranged that situation is controlling, cruel, and designed to push your friend from other students who may want to help. I don't trust that she has good intentions. Making a girl feel pitied by her classmates is the most embarrassing, alienating thing a teacher can do. Your teacher is female, she can not have forgotten how delicate self esteem is at that age. I am furious for you and your friend. The damage from that moment will be with your friend the rest of her life. The woman should be reported to your parents, your friend's father, the principle, and anyone else you can think of that will listen. It would be best if you discuss reporting to your friend first. As much as I PERSONALY think your teacher should be flogged and fired, it would damage your relationship with your friend to go behind ger back on something that effects her so much. I wish the both of you well!
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you can't do anything, things like this that happen to people are just things that take time to heal, and why are you so concerned about someone that you hardly spend time with? it doesn't sound to me that you two are very good friends at all, as for the teacher USE YOUR BRAIN! of course that's not right, and you should have reported it to someone as soon as it happend. and as for her cutting herself, that could just be her way of trying to get attention if not then she needs some serious psychological help and fast, i doubt it'll help her mom's condition at all if she finds out that her daughter is trying to hurt herself for no reason at all, all you can do for her is tell her that you are there for her if she needs anything and don't pry because that'll just make it worse
*~*shan*~*
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I had a teacher who behaved similarly when one of my friends in high school lost a close relative - the girl had asked the teacher not to tell the class, but she choose to anyway. The girl didn't appreciate this, but the teacher thought that it would be better if people were aware of what had happened so they could behave sensitively and appropriately around her. I'm sure that your teacher in this scenario had the same logic, that it would be better that people knew what Brittany was going through, although it was insensitive of the teacher to say it to the class in front of Brittany like that. I wouldn't worry about your teacher's conduct here - the most likely scenario is that she was briefed about what was going on with Brittany's family and is just trying to support her.
As for how to support your friend, it's difficult. The best thing to do is respond to her needs - if she wants to talk about things with you, then be avaliable to talk and listen. If, on the other hand, she wants to spend time not thinking about what's happening to her family be prepared to help her take her mind off things her by doing normal things like going shopping and hanging out. There isn't a set formula to what will make her feel better - you just have to be there for her and work with what she wants and needs from you as a friend. Good luck.
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First, I'm sorry to say that there may not be anything you could possibly say to make her feel better. What could someone say to someone who may be losing a mother? I mean, nothing you say could possibly change the outcome of this situation. At the end of the day, she'll still have her mother's illness to depress her.
1) What could you say? I'm not so sure. Sometimes people with problems such as this aren't looking for advice, because they know that there's nothing they could possibly do to change the situation. What they are sometimes looking for is someone to talk to. Sometimes being a good listener is the best thing you can do. I wouldn't try to force her to talk about something like this. Like MSH said, she's at a fragile state right now. Anything you say could be misconstrued as something else. If she asks you for advice, try your best not to tell her what you think, try to show her by putting yourself in her shoes and telling her your thoughts, or the other way around. Remember, everyone sees everything differently, so make sure she knows your just trying to show her a point of view, not anything else.
2) I'm not going to add anything. I'm completely behind MSH on this one.
3) If you really want to help, just make sure she knows that your someone she can talk to at any time. She has your phone number, yes? As for the cutting, if you notice anything new, I would confront her about it. I know this goes against what I said before, but I would want to make her see what she's doing. If you don't notice anything I would never bring it up, but if you do, you may want to consider outside help. At least talk her through what self harm won't accomplish and the harm it may cause. But again, only if the situation presents itself.
Keep me updated as situations progress if you want. I'd like to here about it.
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Before I begin... I would like to thank you for asking the best question I've ever seen on this site. It's well thought out and articulated, and my pleasure to answer.
1) I know it's hard being blunt and realistic with a friend. It's much easier when it's someone you don't know or don't necessarily care about. You just need to force yourself to do it, because it is very important for her at this time that you do.
2) Firstly, your teacher had no right to announce that to the class. That is the most horrible thing I've ever heard. I would go to higher school administration and tell them about this. And as for your teacher giving Brittany her phone number, I don't think that was in any way sexual. She knows that Brittany is going through hard times, and wants her to have someone to talk to for advice or support when she needs it. She's only trying to help out.
3. To make her better, I don't think bombarding her with extra attention is the best thing to do at the moment. The extra attention she got from her teacher caused her to run out of the class. You can talk to her casually, I wouldn't do anything especially kind, until maybe Christmas, because in her fragile state she may take it the wrong way.
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I really think that you should just hang out with her outside of school and get to be close. This way yall can share anything with eachother and you can be her shoulder to cry on, but make sure she knows that you are there for her. Send her mom a card saying that you hope she feels better and take your friend Brittany out to a movie or dinner or maybe hook her up on a double date so yall can have lots of fun together. Take her shopping, just find out what she LOVES to do and take her to do it. Whether it be playing a sport, a video game, shopping, watch a movie, whatever. Just take her to do it and that will definitely cheer her up and you should get her a christmas present. See what she really wants and get it for her. That would be awesome. And with that whole teacher thing. Teachers shouldn't do that. They aren't supposed to do that, and if it gets too out of hand you need to tell the principle or guidance counselor, or someone like that. -Kayla
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my dad had and died of cancer so i kinda know where she is at. Everyone takes hard situations differently. Dont ever try forcing stuff out of her, but i think she really does need to talk to someone, and you might be it. Maybe one night have her over and hang out and just do fun stuff... go to the mall or the movies or to dinner and have a buunch of fun, try to take her mind off of everything, then if she feels like talking then she will talk to you. The whole thing about the teacher, well i dont really know but it doesnt seem right. Hope i helped a little.
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You cant say anything but the truth
Take her out, watch a movie. Gdo fun things in your area. The tell her how u feel, Tell her there is nothing to worry about. shes in gods hands and he knows what is right. Tjhen tell her that ur worried about her. you know tell her what u really feel.
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ok first of all the teacher thing is kinda scary. that teacher is crayz. it doesnt matter about looks. britt just needs to relize her mom is beautiful with or without hair. she should talk to her mom tell her how she is feeling and about the teacher thing. she needs to tell her mom stuff so her mom knoes how she feels and try to help. if the teacher gives her, her number britt needs to say ,im sorry but this is a lil akward moment id rather not have your number. if you want to talk to me you can kall me mom. and her moms hair isnt going to be gone forever. her mom looks the same on the inside. and if someones makes fun of her they couldend up the same way. just pray for her.
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i think its great u want to help her. i think that to keep her from cutting her wrist or hurtin herself u should keep her occupied. ask her if she wants to go get smoothies look at some zines. make a scrap book of ur memories together or do something funny, something daring, but the only way for u to comfort her is to make her feel as if she is leaving behind all problems for a while! make her feel like she has a friend and she's still a kid like she doesnt hav to act like she has to worry and she can be herself again and do things she wants to do!
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